As I settle in for the night, I can't help thinking about tomorrow. It's my 2-year "Cancerversary", y'all.
2 years. In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago. In others, seems like just yesterday. So many thoughts flash before my eyes....like one of those "flip-a-gram" videos.
I don't read my old posts often....but tonight I found myself reverting back to a couple....that really detail my journey. My Cancer journey started there....In that Doctor's office, with my friends.
http://www.terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2012/05/how-i-got-to-here.html
Then the Lord kicked in and my team held me up.....my first words just days after my diagnosis....
http://www.terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2012/05/blessed.html
A short year later....My journey in pictures. How blessed I am. Always.
http://www.terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/07/story-behind-my-ribbon.html
I was reaffirmed last week that I'm still in remission. Hair is back. I'm healthy. I'm happy. I'm a busy momma....with my Panther baseball player....my new Pepstepper (she made it! yay!) ....my wonderful job.....my loving church.....my fabulous friends.....my amazing David.....and my sweet family.
Life is pretty darn good apart from cancer. Some days? I let myself "go there." To say what if? I guess that is normal. I'm still learning each day to live "apart from the cancer"....and its tough at times.
God has brought me through so much in my life.....He has never let me down. I cling to Him in moments like today that I go back to the very beginning and recall where it all began. It never leaves the back of my mind that I may have to do it all over again.....But it also never leaves me that I won't be alone. I can honestly say....I wouldn't change a thing.
I've said before....and I'll say it again...."I kicked Cancer's butt!" :)
Take THAT, Satan.....BAM!
In Him,
Terri
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
To you, Sydney Clare...
On the eve of Pepstepper Tryouts....these are my words to you.
To my Sydney Clare…
I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of you. I know this is a big week, you may be a tad
afraid and nervous about what the future holds.
Just know this…
God is with you.
He loves you and HIS plan is ALWAYS perfect. Whatever you do…do for HIS glory. Being a Pepstepper will not define you. However, your heart, your character, your
love for the Lord, and compassion for others will be what is remembered. No matter what that list shows
tomorrow….Remember that!
I have placed a couple of things in your basket that
you have seen before…
The little “pink” gloves. A gift from Ms. Shannon.
A reminder to “fight like a girl!”
Every turn, every leap, every step of each
dance….Fight for it. Show the judges
what you are made of. All the work, all
the talent you hold….let it shine!
Mamaw’s cross.
So many have prayed over this cross before big moments in our
lives. I’ve shared its importance with
you before and I want you to know, that once again, I said a prayer over it
today as I placed it in your basket.
Hold it dear. And know that all
of us are standing in prayer for you as you perform tomorrow. That you do your very best….and that is and
always will be good enough for us!
And of course…your “Pink panther”…..he is just
tradition! A tradition of ours that we
will continue throughout your years as a Panther dancer.
I want to leave you with my favorite verse….
Proverbs 31:25
“She is clothed in dignity and strength….and she Laughs without fear of
the future…”
You are strong.
You are talented. I wish you
could sit in the bleachers and see what we see.
I am so very blessed that God chose ME to be your mom!
Momma loves you, babygirl. Break a leg!~
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Survivor....Now what?
I'm approaching my "Cancer-versary", y'all. April 23, 2012...a day that forever changed my life. In about a month....I go into the statistics of the "2 year survival rate". What a ride it has been. What a ride.
For all the gory details of how it all began.....
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2012/05/how-i-got-to-here.html
So, I'm two years out. Sorta. I'm kinda unsure about what "date" the "Survivor clock" started ticking....so here's the low-down:
April 23, 2012 Diagnosed
April 25, 2012 Lumpectomy/Biopsy. Confirmed Diagnosis
April 27, 2012 Bone scan clear. CT clear. No evidence of metastasis.
May 09, 2012 Double Mastectomy. Pathology Report confirmed. Aggressive infiltrating ductile carcinoma. 5 cm. Grade 3, Stage IIb. Clear margins. Negative in lymph system. Triple negative.
June 15, 2012 1st of 8 Chemotherapy treatments. 1 of 4 Adriacytoxin. 'The Red Devil'
Aug 3, 2013 5th Treatment. 1st of 4 - Taxol
September 21, 2012 -- Last treatment. "No Mo Chemo" day!
October 4, 2012 -- NED call. After treatments and Bone and CT scans...."No Evidence of Disease"
I just rattled these dates off the top of my head without an ounce of looking back or a calendar in sight. I can even tell ya what day of the week it was. Do YOU know what day 4/23/12 was? A Monday. What about 5/9/2012? A Wednesday. 9/21/2012? A Friday.
A survivor knows their dates. So....pick one. I'm going with the very beginning. April 23. 2 years ago.....my journey began. My FIGHT started.
I'm checking in next Wednesday to have my port removed. Another milestone of sorts for me. Another chapter closed.
So...I'm a Survivor. Now what? How do you possibly cope with the "new normal?" Because, I will tell ya...I am forever changed. Nothing about is me as I was before. That chapter, my friends....I'm still writing.
In the midst of it all....I didn't realize what was happening. I felt so darn crummy. I walked through my days in a "Chemoma" -- a "Chemo Coma." I wouldn't classify it as "one day at a time"....rather..."minute to minute." It was a daily battle and I needed a sign around my neck that screamed, "Man DOWN!".....but I had to be the mom. Moms have no time to be sick.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to ever go back there again.....but while the "fight" may be over. The effects are everlasting.
Now...the Surveillance has begun. At my last oncology visit, I was told that after my April visit...I will go from 3 month checkups....to 4 month checkups. Wait...what???? I like keeping tabs on my innards.... :)) For to me....a lot can happen in an extra month. I know the drill...it will go from 4 to 6 months. Then, eventually, a year...etc. That is IF....NED sticks around. As I typed this, I realize how cocky I sound resting assured that "this worry" is only if my scans and bloodwork continue to be clear. Yea, I allowed myself to go there. What if it doesn't??
I look fine now. The average Joe no longer thinks I look like a cancer patient. My hair is now longer than before I lost it. I'm grumpily supporting about 30 extra pounds that will NOT leave, and for the first time in a LONG time....I can answer the question "What medications are you currently taking?" as NOTHING! The SURVIVOR looks completely normal....but is far from it on the inside. People have forgotten. I'm so far removed now...from the "Fight".....that the "Surveillance" is at times a bit lonely.
I find comfort in God's plan for me. In God's plan for my little family.
What is a Cancer Survivor? We are those who have had cancer, but are celebrating being cancer-free. It isn't all pink ribbons and cutsie slogans. At the same time, we realize that we are still at risk for cancer returning. During my cancer journey itself, I was able to recognize God's blessings among the fear, pain, and uncertainty. Now I am doing more than recognizing God's blessings - I am experiencing them!
God has filled in the "gaps" of my life. When I first became a survivor, I spent a great deal of time wondering what I should be doing with my life. I didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up! haha I asked God to give me direction, but He seemed to be telling me to rest and wait upon Him. I was able to do that, but not always very patiently. Waiting can be so very difficult - whether waiting for test results, treatments to end, or for God's direction, in this case. Most everyone who has gone through a health crisis struggles in the aftermath. I am having to assess who I am separate from my illness. I have less energy than I did before and I realized how much I need to change my way of life. I believe everyone in this category has a different perspective about life than they did before the illness.
I wish to share the blessings God has allowed me to experience as a cancer survivor who is attempting to follow God's leading. My prayer and purpose for this is to encourage everyone to live more fully and experience a more abundant life in our Lord Jesus Christ following ANY type of crisis...be it a health crises, or other. I'm still so much of a "work in progress." I've learned that once I accepted my flaws....ALL of my flaws, in their entirety...that they can no longer be used against me. That grace thing sneaking in there again. What an epiphany!!
"Let those who are wise understand these things. Let those with discernment listen carefully. The paths of the Lord are true and right, and righteous people live by walking in them...." Hosea 14:9
More specifically, the emotions and inner conflicts I experienced shortly after reaching survivorship status, are what most do not see. Hopefully, you will be able to identify with this and be assured that the Lord will give a sense of purpose and hope when we trust Him. We cannot live a Christian life in our own strength, but only through God's power.
During my treatment time, I had a specific schedule and it always included the company of friends. I became very tired and needed to rest quite a bit. My days had routine to them even though I experienced discomfort and couldn't do all of the "normal" things. I had regular doctor appointments to attend. I had attention and validation of my "worth" all the time! Then when all this stopped, I didn't know what to do. My life had completely changed and I had no idea how to spend my time. I did not have the energy to do much of what I did before. I felt lonely and depressed. I thought people expected me to be jumping for joy about being cancer free. I was very thankful about the actual treatments being over and certainly did not miss them. I was certainly thrilled with receiving a cancer free diagnosis. However, I am now learning who I am "apart from cancer."
In Him,
Terri
PS...As I published this...I noticed it was my 100th post. Wow...what a journey! :)
For all the gory details of how it all began.....
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2012/05/how-i-got-to-here.html
So, I'm two years out. Sorta. I'm kinda unsure about what "date" the "Survivor clock" started ticking....so here's the low-down:
April 23, 2012 Diagnosed
April 25, 2012 Lumpectomy/Biopsy. Confirmed Diagnosis
April 27, 2012 Bone scan clear. CT clear. No evidence of metastasis.
May 09, 2012 Double Mastectomy. Pathology Report confirmed. Aggressive infiltrating ductile carcinoma. 5 cm. Grade 3, Stage IIb. Clear margins. Negative in lymph system. Triple negative.
June 15, 2012 1st of 8 Chemotherapy treatments. 1 of 4 Adriacytoxin. 'The Red Devil'
Aug 3, 2013 5th Treatment. 1st of 4 - Taxol
September 21, 2012 -- Last treatment. "No Mo Chemo" day!
October 4, 2012 -- NED call. After treatments and Bone and CT scans...."No Evidence of Disease"
I just rattled these dates off the top of my head without an ounce of looking back or a calendar in sight. I can even tell ya what day of the week it was. Do YOU know what day 4/23/12 was? A Monday. What about 5/9/2012? A Wednesday. 9/21/2012? A Friday.
A survivor knows their dates. So....pick one. I'm going with the very beginning. April 23. 2 years ago.....my journey began. My FIGHT started.
I'm checking in next Wednesday to have my port removed. Another milestone of sorts for me. Another chapter closed.
So...I'm a Survivor. Now what? How do you possibly cope with the "new normal?" Because, I will tell ya...I am forever changed. Nothing about is me as I was before. That chapter, my friends....I'm still writing.
In the midst of it all....I didn't realize what was happening. I felt so darn crummy. I walked through my days in a "Chemoma" -- a "Chemo Coma." I wouldn't classify it as "one day at a time"....rather..."minute to minute." It was a daily battle and I needed a sign around my neck that screamed, "Man DOWN!".....but I had to be the mom. Moms have no time to be sick.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to ever go back there again.....but while the "fight" may be over. The effects are everlasting.
Now...the Surveillance has begun. At my last oncology visit, I was told that after my April visit...I will go from 3 month checkups....to 4 month checkups. Wait...what???? I like keeping tabs on my innards.... :)) For to me....a lot can happen in an extra month. I know the drill...it will go from 4 to 6 months. Then, eventually, a year...etc. That is IF....NED sticks around. As I typed this, I realize how cocky I sound resting assured that "this worry" is only if my scans and bloodwork continue to be clear. Yea, I allowed myself to go there. What if it doesn't??
I look fine now. The average Joe no longer thinks I look like a cancer patient. My hair is now longer than before I lost it. I'm grumpily supporting about 30 extra pounds that will NOT leave, and for the first time in a LONG time....I can answer the question "What medications are you currently taking?" as NOTHING! The SURVIVOR looks completely normal....but is far from it on the inside. People have forgotten. I'm so far removed now...from the "Fight".....that the "Surveillance" is at times a bit lonely.
I find comfort in God's plan for me. In God's plan for my little family.
What is a Cancer Survivor? We are those who have had cancer, but are celebrating being cancer-free. It isn't all pink ribbons and cutsie slogans. At the same time, we realize that we are still at risk for cancer returning. During my cancer journey itself, I was able to recognize God's blessings among the fear, pain, and uncertainty. Now I am doing more than recognizing God's blessings - I am experiencing them!
God has filled in the "gaps" of my life. When I first became a survivor, I spent a great deal of time wondering what I should be doing with my life. I didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up! haha I asked God to give me direction, but He seemed to be telling me to rest and wait upon Him. I was able to do that, but not always very patiently. Waiting can be so very difficult - whether waiting for test results, treatments to end, or for God's direction, in this case. Most everyone who has gone through a health crisis struggles in the aftermath. I am having to assess who I am separate from my illness. I have less energy than I did before and I realized how much I need to change my way of life. I believe everyone in this category has a different perspective about life than they did before the illness.
I wish to share the blessings God has allowed me to experience as a cancer survivor who is attempting to follow God's leading. My prayer and purpose for this is to encourage everyone to live more fully and experience a more abundant life in our Lord Jesus Christ following ANY type of crisis...be it a health crises, or other. I'm still so much of a "work in progress." I've learned that once I accepted my flaws....ALL of my flaws, in their entirety...that they can no longer be used against me. That grace thing sneaking in there again. What an epiphany!!
"Let those who are wise understand these things. Let those with discernment listen carefully. The paths of the Lord are true and right, and righteous people live by walking in them...." Hosea 14:9
More specifically, the emotions and inner conflicts I experienced shortly after reaching survivorship status, are what most do not see. Hopefully, you will be able to identify with this and be assured that the Lord will give a sense of purpose and hope when we trust Him. We cannot live a Christian life in our own strength, but only through God's power.
During my treatment time, I had a specific schedule and it always included the company of friends. I became very tired and needed to rest quite a bit. My days had routine to them even though I experienced discomfort and couldn't do all of the "normal" things. I had regular doctor appointments to attend. I had attention and validation of my "worth" all the time! Then when all this stopped, I didn't know what to do. My life had completely changed and I had no idea how to spend my time. I did not have the energy to do much of what I did before. I felt lonely and depressed. I thought people expected me to be jumping for joy about being cancer free. I was very thankful about the actual treatments being over and certainly did not miss them. I was certainly thrilled with receiving a cancer free diagnosis. However, I am now learning who I am "apart from cancer."
Physically, I still struggle. My eyesight is poor. My energy level low. Fatigue is still a factor and it keeps me from much of the joy that I experienced before. It is just hard.
Survivors are still dealing with cancer. The aftermath. The fear. The bills. The Chemo-brain...and difficulty to focus. The surveillance. And....as always.....The hope. The blessings. And the love. When God made me a mom....it was a whole new ballgame, friends. I was a mom LONG before I was a cancer patient....and even before I became a survivor. What a reason to fight.
Please place us again in your prayers....As the clock continues to tick on.....
Survivors are still dealing with cancer. The aftermath. The fear. The bills. The Chemo-brain...and difficulty to focus. The surveillance. And....as always.....The hope. The blessings. And the love. When God made me a mom....it was a whole new ballgame, friends. I was a mom LONG before I was a cancer patient....and even before I became a survivor. What a reason to fight.
Please place us again in your prayers....As the clock continues to tick on.....
In Him,
Terri
PS...As I published this...I noticed it was my 100th post. Wow...what a journey! :)
My Sydney Clare.....
Tomorrow my baby turns 15. My sweet Sydney Clare....
And in true "proud momma" form...A picture or 2...or 200 :)....really IS a worth a thousand words. This child has brought more laughter and fun into my life than anybody in the world. Happy Birthday to my precious Sydney Clare! <3
And in true "proud momma" form...A picture or 2...or 200 :)....really IS a worth a thousand words. This child has brought more laughter and fun into my life than anybody in the world. Happy Birthday to my precious Sydney Clare! <3
This is classic. My most favorite-ist pic ever!!! The essence of this child.....
All smiles at our favorite place!
My team.
Just one of her little sneaky notes she leaves me at my office. This has to be my FAVORITE! :)
Love these two!
Mission Arlington 2013. In fact...this is where she is spending her birthday this year! What a kid!
Our little dancing queens!
Just a few of my favs. My BFF!
Leaving for Choir Tour '13!
Snuggled up watching a lil soggy Panther football!
My pretty girl....
My little fam....
Headed to watch BJH dance!
Beach bum...
I'm their biggest fans...
Panther pride...<3
Cute little pucker....
First day of being a "grader" for Syd!
They made me a "ribbon" in the sand!
Cheese dip makes her smile! (Like her momma!)
Where has the time gone???
Still happy to see momma after school!
Go hogs! Tailgating in 2012.
Beach balcony pic - PCB 2013
You could NEVER tell that she had just thrown a hissy fit because she didn't want to take a picture! :)
She loves her Uncle Jay....
Tweedle DEE....and Tweedle DUM....<3
Buds...
Outside Whataburger -- one of our favorites in Destin! 2013
Art Show at Bethel Middle School. 2007
Spring Break in Cozumel, 2012!
A regular "little sister" at the ballpark! 2005
....and again in 2006! :)
More tailgate fun! WPS! 2012
We celebrated Syd's birthday in the middle of the Gulf in 2012! Surprised her with a cake! :)
Pretty girl...
Panama City Beach, 2013
BJH Dance tribute! Tryouts for high school Pepstepper next week...Yikes! Go Syd!
Some BEACH...Somewhere.... Cozumel! Spring Break 2012
She made this pic for me years ago. I LOVE it! <3
In her words...we were looking "Ratchet" at the beach! 2010
About to win Nationals with "The Bird"! Best tap dance EVER!
"Totes presh" hehe
Sydney Selfie....<3
Crashing the BMS Dance in the 4th grade!
Caribbean Cake! 13th birthday! 2012
She looks like a little "Gap" ad.....Love this one!
Lake fun!
Merry Christmas!
Headin home from Orange beach! 2010
Cardboard ministry....2012
Cotillion Holly Ball! 2010
Joe Cool.....
My sweet Syd....
One of her many hours at the studio!
Go Cubs!
Go Cubs!
Talent on Parade!
My favorite Diamond Doll!
Father Daughter banquet 2011
Just a dork...
Happy Happy Happy! Vacay 2013
Captain's Dinner -- Cruise...Spring Break 2012
Selfie....
All smiles!
Green!
Dance competition makeup!
Headin to watch some Panther baseball!
Razorback Tailgate 2009
Ice cream anyone?? Spring Break 2012
My Favorite PIC EVER!!!
Christmas 2011
Fall Family Pics 2012
Salem Elementary - 4th grade
Go Panthers! Family Day 2014
Just a few of my favs.....
I love this child. God! I love this child!
Orange Beach 2011
Spring Break 2012
I love her! Orange Beach 2011
Party Central B-day! 2006
Orange Beach 2011
Panther fans!
Party Central fun! 2006
Pool fun!
Orange Beach 2011
Hog watch 2005!
No words....
She is so beautiful!
...Inside and out...
Destin 2006
Salsa Dance! "Let's Get Loud!"
PCB 2013
Go Panthers!
Crazy kiddos!
Road Trip!
Spring Break in Progresso! 2012
Sing Sing Sing!
Christmas presents make me happy~!
Snow Day!
Stomp!
More selfies...
Christmas 2013
Quit growin up....
Her first recital!
More studio time!
Viking Cheer!
VBS, 2005
Crazy kiddos! We love Chloe!
With Papaw Pete, 2005
Happy Birthday to my beautiful, precious, God-loving, God-LIVING, crazy, energetic, spunky, bossy, funny, and spirt-filled Sydney Clare!
I simply love you more than words!
Mom
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