I have been thinking a lot about you.
I always do, but really a lot lately. Maybe its the beginning of the holidays, which you loved so much. Or, just that I feel a bit lost and need your advice. I don't know. I just miss you.
Took the kiddos to the "Hereafter House" last week, our annual Halloween tradition, with our friends. You know, the trip through life....through hell....through salvation....and then to heaven? It always gets to me. Takes me to reuniting with you, and Papaw, and the rest of "us" that are there with you. I know you must be so happy there. I let myself go there often.
Did you know that our Sam is a Junior? He is playing his last football game (other than playoffs) tomorrow night. I remember when he was born you always talked about how you couldn't wait to watch him play. I'm sure you are watching but, in the event you are busy with other "heavenly duties"....I just want to update you. He is doing good. Not the star. Well...he is OUR star....but you know what I mean. He is using those good hands of his at Wide Receiver. He even made the first touchdown at the new stadium!!!! Kinda by default....but it was cool. (Yes, we finally got to play in the new stadium this year!! It is awesome and we are proud!) Did you have something to do with that???? hehehe
He also scored in the Salt Bowl (would be kinda like scoring against Batesville??). I think I hurt myself when cheering for that one! Daddy was there. He was a proud Papaw Johnny!
He is mainly on the weak side, and gets to "hit somebody".....something Dad likes to hear. He blocks. And he blocks well. But when its thrown to him....he does everything in his power to catch it. And, he most always does. He never quits. He doesn't care that he is not the star. He plays hard. And he is a leader by his actions. Add these things to your "brag book."
Guess when football season wraps up, we will begin baseball. I'll send ya a schedule so you can nudge God a little for us Panthers! :) He had a hard year last year. Sam has the ability. He has the talent. He most definitely has heart. What he lacks is opportunity. Help us find his place. I once had a coach tell me that "he would take a dozen players, just like Sam." That was a proud mom moment.
He is also workin at Old Navy a day or 2 a week. That, along with his church activities, and schoolwork....he is a well-rounded young man. He is so good to me. Gosh, I wish you were here to watch him. I know that you are probably the only other person who would even remotely love him like I do. So its ok to brag to you. You "get it." He takes care of his momma. And of Syd. I don't worry much about the road he is traveling.
I know now why you worried so much about us......And how much you loved us. Thank you for not giving up on me, mom. Thank you.
You always told me that one day, I'd understand things. I guess you knew I'd have Syd. Go ahead and laugh. She is JUST like me. Lordy. She and I butt heads a lot. Yes. A lot. But, she is just perfect. Good grades. Sweet spirit. Syd is REAL. Sometimes to a fault. A bit bossy, and kinda "up in everyone's business". I can see you shaking your head and saying, "sounds like someone else I know!" Guilty. I am raising myself. And I sound like you a lot of the time!
She danced her last football game last night. I love watching her dance, mom. She works so hard at it. Again, not the star. But she is "our star." We are getting nervous because before we know it, she will be trying out for Senior high Pepsteppers in a few short months. She has the skills. And even the confidence. But send us some "heavenly vibes" down for all her work to come together, and strengthen the areas and fill in the blanks so that she can continue her love of dance. Not just love of dance....but love of "Panther Dance."
Spirit teams here in Benton, are held to an elite standard. Even "good, talented" girls.....girls like our Sydney...sometimes don't make the team. I'll let ya know when tryouts are, too! Thanks mom! Before all that, we still have basketball season to get through so we have some Jr. High dancing left! Competition season went great.....they dominated as usual! But glad things are slowing down a bit.
Like Sam....I am proud of the young woman she is becoming. She knows right from wrong. And she, too, loves the Lord.
Both are headed to Fall retreat with FBC in a couple of weeks. Both are hungry for Jesus. I know that you know so much better than we do how wonderful that is.
Jacob and Hannah are precious. Jay is probably the best daddy I know. Did you know that we all went on vacation last summer??? The family time was the best. You taught me that.
I sometimes look at other "grannys" in the stands and get jealous. I wish you could be there. Cheering them on. Snapping pictures. Ringing that old cowbell....just like you did for us. I just miss you mom.
Would you have a Facebook? Or Twitter? Social media has taken over the world down here. I kinda think you would. Complete with pics of the grandbabies, crafty things you have been making, and a few recipes here and there. But I don't know. Part of me thinks so....but then again, you might be like Dad, who doesn't even know how to text.
I know if you were here, you would be making the trip to Benton tonight. You wouldn't miss a game. You would be the best "Mamaw Patsy." These are the times I really miss you most. It's lonely here without you sometimes.
I don't know if you would be proud of me or not. I've not always traveled the road that YOU taught me. But, I know how to get back on track. But I will say, that you taught me to love. Life is just hard sometimes. Most days, I don't know how I get it all done, make the dollars stretch, or be everywhere and everything I need to be. Above all else, I'm a good momma. Rest assured, I'm doing all I can for your grandbabies. We are talking colleges, ACT tests, and cars....yes cars. Sam is driving and he has a truck. Do some extra monitoring on that, too, will ya?? But we are beginning the process of looking at something for Sydney soon. Maybe you have some input up there with Father Time? Because he needs to have a "come to Jesus" meeting....and quick. He is rushing things for me. Time is moving much too fast. What is the hurry? I mean, really.
Jay has a lot of you in him, Mom. He has probably taken over YOUR job of continuing to lead me toward Christ. I am just one of many. He is wise. And he is growing a church, a community of believers, and he is not just my brother, mom. Finally, what you said would happen....happened. He is my friend. He and Leah and the kids are so important to me. And a relationship with them will always be a priority. In honor of YOUR memory.
Mom, I am ok. Not great. Not terrible. Just ok. You would love David. He is patient. And kind. And gentle. He stood by me through so much -- and I know now how important that is. You didn't always have that. And I'm sorry. I wish I had had so many more conversations with you. I feel pretty stupid most days. Motherhood is blind faith. In a God that hasn't failed me yet.
My hair is growing! I'll have a ponytail by spring. And I managed to pick up a few lbs, so back on the diet. I hear you laughing.....yes, I'm STILL a picky eater. And yes, I have the "Cox booty" that I swore I'd never get back when I was 90 lbs soak and wet. :)
I also have a JUDY! :) I have some wonderful, Christian friends. I guess you already know that. But God has surrounded us with a precious village. And, no surprise....Newport still shows me the love. I just love it when folks share memories of you with me. You are missed dearly, mom. Dearly.
I know what you went through, on a more personal level now. I'm glad God sheltered you from a lot of the hurt that I'm sure you would have experienced watching me in my battles. My worst fear is something happening to either of my children. I understand more and more as I grow older. I am still learning!! And I still hang on to all of the things you taught me through the years.
Keep listening when I talk to you. I am STILL learning from you.
There is a lot more I would like to talk to you about....but for another day.
Say it with me, "Go Panthers!!" <3
I love you, mom.
PS....I'll be decorating for Christmas soon.....even though it is BEFORE Thanksgiving! :)