My Week!

How am I eva eva gonna get caught up??  Lordy.....Been a jammed-filled few days since I last posted.
Some pretty significant things have happened....Good and not so good.  Today? I feel pretty darned good and can see the light at the end of this tunnel.....Let's just hope it's not a TRAIN!  ha!

Let's see, in a nutshell....I have:
- Buried my grandfather...
- Started the new chemo...
- Watched my daughter as a BJH Dancer on the field for the first time...
- Watched my son play his first high school...."sort of a game"....
- Spent time with family...
- Spent time with friends...
- Registered and will send my Syd to Junior High tomorrow...
- Registered and will send my Sam to High School tomorrow...
- Witnessed my Sam pass his driver's test...
- Been pretty darn sick.....
-  And felt pretty darn incredible....

Lots of ups and downs lately, but still so incredibly blessed and today...this minute....Satan has NOT won on the many times he has tried testing my faith.  Yep, I'm not perfect....and he got a lead on me a time or two.  But My God is bigger.....so back off dude!  :)

"See ya Later" Papaw...
Funny how He can send blessings in the midst of any storm.  I was reminded of that last weekend.  After taking chemo, we rushed to West Helena to make it to my Papaw's visitation.  Made it in the knick of time.....Actually, a few minutes late, but they held the doors open for us. Was met with hugs and love from all of my family who share my love for this man.  Words just can't describe the hole in our hearts......

My brother had to head back that evening for work, but let his children, my neice and nephew stay with us at my Mamaw's house.  Aunt Terri got to spoil them!  :) So enjoyed these sweet kiddos!

Saturday, we were fed a family meal by the ladies of WHUMC.....Ya know, the Methodists believe that it is in the Bible somewhere...."Wherever two or more are gathered, there shall be potluck."  :)  That said, one of the most delicious meals I've ever had.  Hated the cicumstances, but so loved spending time with my loved ones. 

The funeral service was absolutely beautiful.  Standing room only.....Flowers everywhere.....My brother's message......my sister-in-law's song......There is no doubt in my mind that my Papaw was smiling in heaven at such a loving tribute to him.  In the midst of our heartbreak, we were together as a family.....and all of his beloved friends.....in the place he loved most.  We were reminded that "Christians NEVER say goodbye....only see ya later...."

The New Stuff:
Well I got the new chemo.  In many ways, it was much easier on me than predicted.  I guess silly me expected to "feel nothing"....which didn't happen of course.  The good thing is....that I made it the whole weekend without the bottom falling out like it used to.  Monday and Tuesday, I was taught what "bone pain" was.  Ouch.  This meant no sleep.  At all.  Some digestive issues.....and still working out the side effects.  Mainly fatigue. 

I was unable to work ALL week.....sigh.  :(  Seems like one medicine helps one thing but causes another.  Then IT helps that but causes something else.  Gonna meet with the Doc tomorrow.  Gonna tweak some meds for sure.  I take so much stuff......driving me crazy!

The good news?  Only 3 more treatments.  In a month, I can have my "No Mo CheMO" celebration.  Can't get here soon enough I tell ya!

Friends:
I still have the best friends on THE planet.  And that's all I'm gonna say about that......Small visits, dinner and laughs here and there, texts, emails, phone calls, cards and even fresh fruit on my doorstep!  God has placed true angels here on earth....to carry me through this.  And it is.....

This weekend!
Had a pretty darn good weekend!  First of all....Look out! Sambo passed his driving test! 

He has only given me a heart attack a couple of times.  Gotta get that boy some practice!  :) 

 My Aunt Tootie and Chuck came to visit and watch my kiddos Friday night.  The ONLY time this year that they will be doing their "thang" on the same night at the same place.  Was SOOO proud of them!  Syd danced and Sam played!  Both made this momma so proud!  Gonna be a great....and BUSY.....season!  I SOOOO hope this chemo is good to me so that they can always have their biggest FAN in the stands!  :)  Here's a few pics from the night!

The weather turned out pretty ok.....my kids were "stars" in momma's book......Tootie & Chuck got to see them.....and kicked off a great Panther Season!  The night was a little hard on me from feeling so rotten all week.  But SOOOO worth it!

Saturday, Syd, her friend, Chloe, Sam, Tootie and I, headed to LR to do a little last minute school shopping.  Mainly, just a "Girls' Day" plus Sam!  :)  Lots of laughs and a wonderful day! 

Today, said goodbye to Tootie and Chuck, after rooking her into a great big ole breakfast.  Ran a couple of errands, and a dinner date with my David.  Back home to snuggle in to watch "Big Brother".....no judgement!  I'm a complete fan! 

Not a bad weekend for sure. 

In summary, I've noted all the highlights of the week.....rather, the high POINTS of my week.  Truth is, I've had some equally low times.  Yes, that ole Satan.....that ole Cancer.....even just my crappy ole attitude has gotten the best of me at times this week.  I've been forced to apologize for words I did not mean.  For not giving the proper effort in most every area of my life.  I have fallen short.  I have fallen on my knees before Jesus, and asked Him to carry me.  I have asked my friends to pray for me.  I've once again been reminded that this is a "marathon" not a "sprint."  I've never felt so "not myself".....and so just down-right ugly.

Outside of something happening to one of my children, I am living out my worst fear ever.  Breast Cancer.  People continue to tell me how "strong" I am.  How they admire me.  Truth is....I'm not strong alone.  I'm weak...physically, emotionally, financially.....I feel like a failure as a mother, daughter, sister, employee, and friend.  My body just won't allow me to be all I WANT to be.  And folks, that's tough. 

In a recent visit with a friend that I've not seen in a while....she asked me..."Is this just the most horrible thing you've ever been through?"  My answer?  By far.  It's horrible.  But at the same time, I've never felt more blessed.  God continues to show me Hope.  Renewal.  Faith.  Love.  and even Joy.

But as for me, I will always have hope;   Psalm 71:14

I see hope everywhere.  In the eyes and faces of my children, in David, in my medical team, in my family, and in my friends.  Sometimes....I even catch a glimpse of "hope" when I look in the mirror.

Don't forget!

Race for the Cure....Team Terri! Walk with me for my momma!  OR for your hero!

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

In HIM!

Terri



Making Coffee in Heaven.....

In loving memory,     J.W. "Pete"  Smart    February 29, 1924 -- August 9, 2012

To say I have a heavy heart tonight is an understatement.  One of the most beloved men in my life.....and to many....went to be with Jesus.  My "Papaw."

There have been very few men in my life who have never let me down. Ever.  In fact....I don't even need one hand to count them. He is one of them. He was the perfect grandfather in every sense of the word.

Growing up....I lived just two doors down from my Mamaw and Papaw until my Daddy's job forced us to move to Newport.  I lived there until the summer before 6th grade.  For a long time....6 years to be exact....I was an only child AND an only grandchild.  They spoiled me rotten!!  :) 

My dad wasn't much of a "hands on" dad to me growing up.  He worked alot.  Shift work mostly, so when we were awake he was either sleeping or working.  My Papaw played a big part of the "Daddy's Little Girl" to me when we lived on Baldwin Street.  Here are a few things I remember:

- Hopping on the riding lawn mower and riding with him.  Even on days when the lawn really didn't need mowing.  He just knew I liked to ride!  :)

- His woodshop.  He was a talented carpenter.  Has a shop completely full of tools.....two of them really.  My Mamaw joked that he built one to keep from cleaning out the other.  Now they are BOTH full.  I remember various litte things he built for us over the years....Christmas yard Decor, the little wooden trash cans, built-in shelves, desk and vanity area for my bedroom.  Many things over the years.  Wish I still had some things.  As he got older, his knees, his arthritis, etc. prevented him from doing much.  I know this broke his heart.

- Pecans.  He has HUGE pecan trees in his yard.  I remember SO many times, "pickin up pecans," and us kids would kinda fight over who got to use the nifty little "pecan picker-upper"!  :)  I also remember shelling those on the front porch.

- The front porch.  That is where you would find Papaw Pete perched most of the time.  Just sitting and watching the world.
- His garden.  Lordy, I honestly think he could "live off the land."  I remember shellin peas, picking tomatoes, and up until a year or so ago, I'd always get a bundle of fresh corn!  If I'm not mistaken, he still "supervised" the garden in his back yard that the neighbor planted.  :)

- Sunday afternoon drives.  West Helena is located on the banks of the Mississippi.  Every single Sunday....with.out.fail.  We took a drive - by way of Baskin Robbins  :)-- to "look at the river."  In fact, earlier this year, we made a visit....and this picture was taken in the car at a stop sign....from our last drive to see the river together....

- West Helena United Methodist Church.  This was the church that first laid my seeds of faith.  I wish I knew the exact number of years my grandparents were members.  But, what I do know, is that "Mr. Pete" was a fixture there.  At his post right beside the door.....he was always the first one you would see when you came in on Sunday morning.  Handing out bulletins and hugs.  I found him there on my last visit to his church back in May on my suprise visit for my mother's birthday.  Most of my life, he took care of the lawn.....and I remember riding on the mower up there too!  :)  The church was located only a couple of blocks from their home.  So we always "came and went" by the church so Papaw could keep an eye on things.  He opened the church every Sunday and got the coffee started.  I remember a time when they cut a visit short to us in Newport because I guess his "backup" man was out of pocket and Papaw was worried about WHO was gonna open the church, turn on the heat, and "make the coffee"!  :)  I still love this church.  I was baptized in that church.  My parents were married there.  Most of my cousins and other family members.  And my grandparents renewed their vows on their 50th wedding Anniversary there. 

- Sunday evening phone calls.  For many years, before the widespread use of cell phones, it was cheaper to call long distance on Sunday nights.  So papaw made all his calls each Sunday night.  I can still hill his familiar "Heeeeyyy!!" on the other end.....from deep in his belly.  You knew he was smiling just by the sound of his voice.  He continued that trend....mostly out of habit....and sat down and called all the kids and grandkids each Sunday night. With he on one phone, and mamaw on the other.  No reason....just a chat!  :)

-  His recliner.  You could climb up in it WITH him.  But it's HIS seat.  Everyone knows that.  :)

- At his house, each Christmas....the Razorbacks and not reindeer, pulled Santa in.  His wooden display every single year.....that he made.  Always made me smile.

- His rolls.  Mamaw Smart is known for her homemade yeast rolls.  Kinda like the saying for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders....."often imitated, never equaled."  They are single-handedly the best thing you ever put in your mouth.  My Papaw retired a little before my mamaw and HE began baking rolls.  Soon his were just as good!  :)

- Jay's.  My mamaw has a rule that from Saturday at noon....until Sunday night....her kitchen was closed.  Every Sat night they (and us too!) would drive to the little diner down the street to eat a burger.  Papaw never met a stranger.  And without fail, they usually had an unofficial reservation somewhere after church.  As resteraunts in Helena opened and closed, they changed throughout the years.  I remember Golden Corral, Ryan's, and most recently Kelly's.  Again, the staff knew them.  And loved them. 

- Leap Year baby!  My papaw's birthday was Feb 29th.  He only got a REAL birthday every 4 years.  He played on this throughout my life.  I'll never forget the day that I was "older" than my Papaw!  ha

I could go on and on, but my tears are overwhelming me with sadness as I miss him so much.  I wish "life" hadn't made me so busy that I didn't call more.  Visit more.....throughout the past few years. 
I remember very few times he ever scolded me or disciplined me for anything. I'm sure he did.....but the fact that I have no recollection of it tells me that he did it in such a loving and gentle way that it was very successful. I've never once doubted his love for me. Or for anyone in his family. He was present for every single major event in my life and many "minor" ones that are too numerous to list.

I never doubted his love for the Lord.  The man served his country both in WWII and Korea. I feel that he must have been bothered over the years from some of the things he either saw or endured.....because never in his "stories" were any from the war.  He has lost his parents, countless friends, siblings, and the inconceivable.  He outlived two of his three precious children and a great grandchild. His oldest son Robert was unexpectedly killed in a car accident when he was in his early 20's.  And of course, breast cancer took my mother at age 49.  Never once, have I ever seen his faith shaken.  He never turned away from God. 

He was married to the love of his life for 66 years.  Where you saw one....you saw the other.  My heart is simply broken for my grandmother who is left in this world without her best friend.  They were everything I wish I had.  They loved, laughed, bickered (hehe), but could definately finish each other's sentences.  Pete and Lucille will be remembered for many, many, many things.....individually, of course.   But mostly, as a team.

I am simply without words.  There is not another man like him.  Simply precious.  Throughout every mistake.  Throughout every victory.  Throughout every single step in my life.  They have been there for me and "loved me anyway."  I've seen tears in my Papaw's eyes few times in my life.  And one of our last conversations, he was sobbing uncontrollably in worry for me over my diagnosis, my decisions, my well-being in general.  This man loved me. I know this. 

Everyone called him "Papaw Pete" --  He was a loving, kind, and even somewhat grumpy at times man to anyone he met.  He was REAL!!  I hope he knows how much I loved him.  Wish I could have told him one more time.  He is now walking with our Father.  Surrounded by all of the loved ones that have made a place for him there.  He no longer needs his cane.  He no longer has pain or discomfort.  THAT....gives me peace.  A peace that he is making a way for all of us here in this earthly place....striving to see him again.

Please pray for my entire family.  Especially my Mamaw.  The world.....OUR world....will never again be the same.  I can just see him now....with that big ...deep in the belly...."Heeeeeyyyy!" ....greeting those in heaven.....and probably "making the coffee"  :)

I love you my sweet Papaw Pete. I will never forget our last visit.....your last words of advice for me.....your last hug.  Nor will I forget all the years you spoiled me, you loved me, you guided me, you prayed for me.  May you finally rest in peace......

In Him,
Terri

No mo Devil!

It's been a while since the white screen has been staring back at me with really nowhere to start.  I've not updated in a bit....just haven't really felt like it.  And quite honestly, putting things in writing makes it real....and gosh, do I REALLY need to keep complaining for the world to see?  Same song....15th verse.

Had my 4th and final treatment of the "AC" part of the "ACT."  Halfway there folks.  And totally finished with the appropriately named "Red Devil" that has successfully kicked my hiney the last 8 weeks.  I wanted a party!  Although, I'm still waiting to FEEL like partying.  On a scale, physically, this treatment has been no worse, but certainly no better than the 3 previous rounds.  Quite honestly, it just sucks.  Emotionally, this round has knocked me further down, than I thought capable.  So today, I will document my latest journey.  Because you know my God and His placement of angels here on earth quickly brought me out of it......and that's the good stuff!  Blessings in the midst of struggle.  THAT is worth writing about.

Friday 7/27, was Treatment Day.  That morning, got a text from my sweet friend, Sonya who had secured a condo on Lake Hamilton for the weekend, inviting us all to join her.  I immediately resonded with, "Girl, I so wish we could, but I'm having a treatment today."  She came back with, "So!....Do what you feel like doing....you can 'feel bad' at the condo just like you can 'feel bad' at home! Just crawl in bed when you need to and the kids can have a ball!"  Now THAT is a friend.  So that's exactly what we did!  Went and had my treatment....and then hurridly prepared my last minute trip to the lake!

My sweet friend, Karen, was my Chemo Buddy that day.  Before this struggle, Karen was of course, a friend....but I wouldn't say we were close and ones that talked daily.  A fellow "ball mom" throughout Panther Basketball and Panther Baseball, she has always been a joy and precious.  But since my diagnosis, Karen truly stepped up and selflessly has done so much for us.  From delicious meals, to cute PJ's on a sack on my door, to fresh cut flowers from her own yard.....not to mention her continuous prayers and sweet texts to check on me.....God has truly revealed to me a precious friend in Karen since this nightmare of mine began.  I so enjoy her company and was thrilled to have her with me!  In the midst of her own struggles, she still found time for me.  What a blessing! We enjoyed a quick lunch, girl talk and then off for Round 4!  The benedryl kicked in and I mostly napped during the treatment.  She sat quietly beside me and her presence was truly a comfort.

Raced home and threw clothes in a bag, made a quick grocery list.  Sydney Clare was on a church trip this weekend, but David, Sam and Madison all climbed in and off we went.  I usually have about 24 hours of "feel good" before the chemo takes over.  I was praying to the "chemo gods" to please spare me of the effects so that I could enjoy this weekend with my friends and family.  We arrived in Hot Springs, all went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings....Sonya had her sweet Taylor and boyfriend Dalton.  We shared lots of laughs and fun memories!  The next day, I acutally got some pool time in!  Thank goodness....for someone who is usually tan, I think I'm starting to scare folks!  Our old and dear friend, Jack, came up for the day and we so enjoyed the day.  The kids were incredible.  Sonya and I are both lucky to have such wonderful kids that still enjoy hanging out with "mom"!  :) 

I lasted until about 3 or 4, I guess.  I then climbed in bed and stayed there for the remainder of the weekend.  They went on around me, like I wanted them to.  The sweet kids coming in to check on me.  And of course, David taking care of anything I might need.  As a mom, even thought I couldn't physically participate in everything around me.....knowing that my loved ones were having fun made me rest even better than I had been at home.  So thankful that my Sonya had the foresight to realize that.  Blessed I am.

I got home....and just sank.  Physically, of course, but emotionally.  I started allowing myself to go to places that cancer patients really don't need to go.  I am so incredibly tired of feeling bad.  This is a horrible road.  I started googling.  Not a good idea.  I was giving myself my own death sentence.  The "woe is me" day turned into "days".  Triple Negative.  Chemo.  Bald. Ugly.  All of that has an effect.  But Triple Negative.....gives me a 20% chance of the cancer coming back.  That is a big ole number when you think in terms of life and death.  Ironically, I even let myself actually FEAR stopping chemo.  Right now, I know I'm fighting the cancer.  But what about when treatments stop?  I'm not a candidate for any kind of preventative therapy.  How do I reduce the 20%? 

Went from fearing it to actually saying the words to both my brother and my friend....asking to actually stop therapy.  I truly understand why patients elect to stop treatment even when its in their best interest not to.  Chemo is the most brutal attack on your body that you can imagine.  That is fact.  You can be strong and fight through alot of things in life.  I've worked through morning sickness during pregnancies.  Through the flu.  Through headaches. Even broken hearts.  I've "faked it" until I can make it on alot of things in my lifetime.  Chemo wins.  It is simply not possible to work through it.  Everyone tells me how "strong" I am.  Maybe.  Not really.  Chemo is stronger. 

My kids are living without a mom.  Others are getting them where they need to be.  My house was in shambles.  They are helping....but they are teenagers....so c'mon!  lol  My laundry was piled up...house dirty, and I found myself just sinking into this emotional mess!  Deb called in the troops.  Tuesday night, I had 4 friends....Deb, Kim, Becca, and Jackie and even Deb's daughter Ashlyn.  They and my kiddos had my house whipped back into shape and even took laundry home with them!  Against my repeated protests, they just lovingly told me to get in bed and shut up!  I was so moved at such a loving act.....and shaking my own head at how someone else was washing my underwear!  lol 
I couldn't believe my eyes as my home felt like "me" again, clean, fresh flowers, and candles burning!  How will I ever thank them????

Wed night, received salad and pizza from the Johnsons and Aunt Gayle......Was so happy to see them.  Guys, I have the greatest friends on the planet.

Thursday and Friday, I drug myself into the office for a few hours each day.  Financial worries are consuming me, without being to work.  But it seems that God always sends me what we need at just the right moment.  So I try not to let it get me down.  Hebrews 11:1 -- Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and evidence of things not seen.

Friday evening.....I was brought to tears, by the act of two special little boys.  Little Jessie and Gary.  Both are "little brothers" in our baseball family. They had a birthday party recently.....and in lieu of gifts, they chose to ask for donations for the kiddos and I.  I have had alot of thoughtful gestures.  But this coming from two very sweet little boys just tugged at my heart.  Again....blessings in the midst of the storm.

The weekend was a quiet one.  My Sam is at a crossroads and he spent alot of time hanging out with me.  I love that he talks to me about everything.  That he seeks my advice when he is hurting.  That he tells me he loves me.....and often.  That he is honest and faithful.  I remember how hard "being a kid" was sometimes.  He is such a good boy.  He sees the good in most every situation.  Entering high school is a big deal....and I'm so proud of the young man he has become.  I hate watching him hurt...but I love how he constantly thinks of others instead of his own pain.  I've often joked.....If I can't meet the perfect man.....by cracky I'll raise one!  :) 

Made it to Sunday School and church.....hugged friends....and enjoyed my family.  Sunday evening, I could feel the effects of my counts dropping....so back to bed I went. 

I met with Dr. Sneed today.  I was bound and determined to back him into a corner and ask him to tell me, "Terri, you are not going to die."  Of course, my friends and family tell me that all the time.  But nobody in a "white coat" will do that.  I pretended to be calm as a cucumber, while my sweet Sam sat in the room with me.  And asked about the whole 20% thing.  When you reach the "half-point" mark....you start to see the light at the end of your treatment tunnel.  I never got those words out of him of course.  But what he DID tell me was this.....That "20%" really was a good thing.  Means that 80% chance it won't come back.  I asked what would happen at the end of this.  He told me that he and I would be friends for a long long time.  We will stay very on top of this and he would not leave me until he retires.  He even shared his age....53.  And he isn't planning to retire until age 67.  And at that time....he would leave me in good hands.  In his own way, he was telling me he wouldn't let me die.  Above his head on the wall.....hangs a framed art that says "With God, I believe in miracles"....

My friend Kara, who I go to more than she knows when I need to be brought "back to reality"....reminded me that when the weatherman tells us 80% chance of rain....we bring our umbrellas and most all of the time we use them.  My God is my umbrella!  He covers and protect me even when I'm being a belligerernt, whiney, grumpy, cancer patient.  My sweet Deb reminded me through her tears and mine.....that the devil will use my low times to test my faith.  And that I HAVE to fight back.  No more devil!  :)   No more "googling".  Just faith.  So I'll tell ya....THAT is how I plan to lower that 20%.  Prayer.  Faith.  My God is bigger than ANY problem we face.  Even cancer.

Dr. Sneed discussed my new chemo drug...Taxol, which I will start this coming Friday.  He predicts that it won't be as "messy" as the others I've withstood.  I'm a bit anxious.....more unknowns.  But with school fast approaching.....and TWO football seasons....both Jr., JV, and Sr. high that I must be present for.....I need those "chemo gods" to be nice to me!  :)  Stay tuned.......:)

I've had a lot of ups and downs since my last post.  A couple of really LOW downs.  But even in the midst of struggle....I have been reminded of my blessings.  2 awesome God-loving children.  Wonderful family.  Incredible Friends.  My support system is perfect.  I simply couldn't ask for more.  Within this struggle....there are blessings.  New friends.  God has brought such special people into my life.  My doctors, nurses, caregivers, friends.....I'm so very lucky.  My prognosis.  I am going out on a limb to say I am cancer free.  My faith tells me so.  Is the road still rocky?  Yep. Am I finished yet?  Nope.  But faith is going to see me through.

Please don't forget to join my team!!!
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

Lord....I continue to praise you in this storm......

In Him,
Terri

Funny things....

I actually think the OCD side of me....has actually found a "routine" with this chemo stuff.  Might just be ME... Being the control freak that I am....trying to control what simply cannot be controlled.  Whatever the case....I think I've got it down.  :)

I get the treatment on a Friday.... cram about a week's worth of "quality time" with my loves into Friday night and Saturday til about mid-afternoon when the fading starts.  Become "medicated mommy" that sends me to sleep til about Wednesday-ish! MAKE myself get back into the "land of the living" Thursday and Friday.  This, of course, assuming I finally have all the meds tweaked into working well for me.  Friday and Saturday I feel pretty decent.  I force myself to work at least a day and a half or so just so I will have enough of a paycheck for gas money!  Week 1 -- ya basically feel like crap because of the chemo side effects.  Week 2....which starts Sunday-ish....is the week that makes ya feel like crap because of low blood counts.  Different KIND of "feel like crap" but you get the idea. 

Week 2:  Sunday starts the low-grade fever.  JUST enough to make have the chills and aches and wanna be in bed.  And the dreaded mouth sores.  Lordy.  Mashed potatoes and soft serve ice cream.  There consists my meals.  I talk with a lisp and hate for ANYONE to look at my mouth.  Swollen gums and lips.....Ya don't need collogen....just chemo!  :)  I'm no medical expert....but I've seen a direct correlation with the mouth sores becoming almost immediately better with rising counts.  So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I get the shots to boost those.  Luckily, I can expect my mouth to only be REALLY bad for the "mashed tater diet" a day or 2.  Thursday I get a normal day!  Well....Cancer normal....but normal.  And here we are full circle....back to Friday for the next Round.  Good news is on Week 2, I'm getting to work most every day.  Knock on wood. 

Met w/Dr. Sneed today.  He seemed proud of my progress.  After a peak, he wasn't happy with my mouth pain.....even made the comment that we'd "delay treatment" Friday if it wasn't better.  Not on your LIFE!  With all due respect....Delaying treatment is not an option.  I'll be getting my prayer warriors on that....pronto!  He reviewed my records.....just to refresh himself...after all I don't think I'm his only patient....:)   I didn't panic...but did notice....he once again, in reading aloud to himself....said "your cancer is triple negative....that is the part we surely don't like...." Dangit.  My counts once again bottomed almost completely out.  So I'll be back the next three days for Neupogen shots.  No suprise there.

Since this week's treatment is the 4th and final dose of the Adriacytoxin.....aka "The Red Devil".....we did briefly talk about the final four rounds of Taxol....or Taxotere.  While no chemo is "a walk in the park"....he said that would be a good description of it in comparison to what I've been getting.  Yay!  Hope I can take that to the bank.  He said that maybe some achy-ness the first day or so and then tingling in hands and feet.  But that should be it.  Could this be some light at the end of the preverbial tunnel??  :)  I've googled about it....and sometimes they prescribe steriods with it....Lord I hope not...the last thing I wanna do is gain weight!

I love the staff there.  "Staff" seems cold.  They are simply awesome.  Oncology is a calling folks.  They fact that I feel special means they are doing their job well.  They make this journey so much easier.  They genuinely care when they ask how I'm feeling.  And are concerned when they see I'm fighting to smile.  I pray each day that they are blessed as much as they have blessed me.  While I look forward to the day that I can truly stop in and visit on the way to Park Plaza.....I know I will have forever friends there.

Well Arkansas Blue Cross/Blue Shield officially sucks in my book.....since they have officially denied my claims due to "Pre-Exisiting" condition.  My team of doctors and I are appealling my claims and I'm fighting.  But my energy to "fight" them is low.  So please pray for us.  However, the good Lord stepped in....as always the good Lord does....and through the help of financial aid officers at Baptist, I was able to qualify for a Medicaid spend-down that pays secondary to my insurance.  Its not based on income, its based upon the fact that I have breast cancer.  Its all so new, and I've not received an explanation of benefits yet to know exactly what that means, limits, etc......but I do know, that I didn't have to write a check at the doc today that would have bounced to high heavens!  Funny, I received the card, and it's already expired.  Approval is based upon 3 month periods.  So I've already started the ball rolling for the next three months.  Prayers much needed and appreciated.

My kids are doing awesome and still as wonderful as ever.  My Sam is gonna make some young lady a good husband.  He can do laundry, vacuum, change sheets, even cook a little!  Syd is teaching him well!  :)  Oh joy.  What I love about him most....is that even at 15, he climbs into the recliner with me.....or in my bed with me....for snuggle time with mom.  Those moments.....I cherish.  Syd is flittering here and there.  She is my social bug.  I'm so grateful that her entire summer isn't a total loss due to this crummy cancer. 

My friends....old and new.....are incredible.  Saturday, I was able to see some old high school buddies!  Newport's American Legion team was playing in the State Tournament at Bryant.  I was able to dig out something "orange" in my closet and go!   

The Class of '89 was represented!  :)  It was so nice to have a piece of home come to me!  Was a wonderful afternoon! 

I still continue to get cards, gifts, emails, texts, facebook messages, calls......every day. Friends who step up in any way possible.  Its overwhelming.  As horrible as "cancer" is....I've never in my life felt more blessed.  Funny how God works!

Gayle Sulik,  in a post called "The Battle They Don't Want to See" makes such a great point.  "Most have a vision of breast cancer that is too often sugar-coated with platitudes, sassy t-shirts, fun-filled fundraising galas. For some, this reality is too much to bear. But until we as a society are willing to see cancer for what it is, our capacity to support the diagnosed will always be limited." 

I'm not sure I totally agree with her statement, but I do understand and see why many would feel that way.  "Pink" has never really been my color!  ha  Very few, including myself who was once a care-giver for someone with cancer....REALLY know what it is like.  I have never felt more ugly....than I do right now.  I rarely pass a mirror without feeling disgusted.  Its like a constant reminder of my on deterioration.  Even worse....most days, I don't even care.  Then there are days, like the last few......when I felt compelled to dig through pics on FB to find ones of me "with hair" to post to my profile.  I had struggled for months to lose weight to look and feel better.  Little did I know that diet saved my life.....we hope.  Anyway...while scrolling through pics....I found a couple from our cruise this past spring break, in which I was wearing one of those sassy "breast cancer" t-shirts....with the words..."Don't Stop Believin".....Little did I know, that a couple of weeks later...I'd have to put my words into action.

Which brings me to the funny stuff people DO say......Warning: Im in a smarty-pants kind of mood!  :)  PLEASE know I'm just in a mood.....AND its all in fun......:))  I might just take that show on the road.  These have ALL been said to me....true story!!!  I've been making a list....thought I'd share!

"But you're cancer free, right?"   .......I don't know, am I?  Maybe at the moment.....we'll see.  Geesh.

After posting pics of my bald head.......  "Did you shave your head?"    uh.....duh!

"At least your bosses work with you"........Yep...they do.  When I work....they pay me!  haha
(I have WONDERFUL bosses.....but usually this falls in a "how am I gonna pay my bills?" convo...

"Why'd you have a double if ya only had it in one?"    Um.....didn't wanna be lopsided?   duh!!

"My grandfather's mother's sister's cousin's daughter" had that red devil stuff.  I know what you're going through!"    Ok....that makes you an expert!   hahaha

"Ive read that such-n-such in your diet will keep cancer at bay!"     Well, you should definately eat some then!  I think I'll stick to ANY thing that doesn't make me puke right now.

"My aunt died a year ago with that same kind of cancer....."    Gee, thanks.

Lady at Gordmans....."Oh you really have cancer?  I'll give you 20% off!"  
Me......"Can my friend who took me to chemo get the discount too???"    bwahahahaha.....she did!!

"I feel awful today too....my allergies are KILLING me this year."    Ok...you win!   hehehe

"Everything happens for a reason."   Ok.....and my REASON for getting cancer is???   I wanna punch you in the nose right now.   :)

"I'm so impressed by your courage!"   Actually, be impressed that I'm really good at hiding how scared "shitless" (sorry!) I am!  

"Its just a bump in the road"    Ok....three surgeries in 10 days....one of which took BOTH my breasts, and insurance company that won't pay, 8 rounds of extremely agressive chemo, feeling crappy every day, being a single mom without a steady paycheck.....is NOT a bump in the road.  It's kind of a mountain.

"Is your cancer the bad kind?"   Um....is there a good kind?   hahahaha.....If I'm still here in 10 years, I'll let ya know!  :)

"I'd come visit you....but my stumped my big toe....Might get ya sick".... Ok. Whatever.  You don't wanna visit.  No excuses needed!  :)

"Just think!  You'll get new boobs!"   I liked my old ones just fine. .....

From an employee at work who speaks little English.... "Is Terri ok now that she cut her boobies off?  Is she gonna die?"    I couldn't hold back my laughter as I responded....."not today!" 

Ok....I'll stop now before I TOTALLY tick off anyone who has ever talked to me!  :)  I'm just joking.  I have the most precious friends in the world.  I wouldn't trade my support system for ANY on the planet.  I rely on humor to get me through lots of moments.  I thank the Lord everyday for those He has placed in my life.  God is good!


Please don't forget -- Save the Date for Team Terri! :) Go ahead! Sign up! :)
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25

In Him,
Terri

Steady my Heart.....

Hi Friends!  What a week.  Round 3 down!  Yay!  I've only gotta get the devil...."the red devil" that is..... in me one more time!!!!  That alone has done wonders for my spirits.  I've heard this a million times in my life, and even said it a few....but "this is a marathon, not a sprint".....however, I cherish the small victories along the way. 

I feel the need for a special "caviat" for my blogs.  Chemo Brain.  Google it.  It's real.  Short term memory loss.  And its driving me crazy.  I find myself writing absolutely EVERYTHING down to keep from forgetting.  I honestly can't remember anything anymore.  SO...that said, if I repeat something I've said in previous posts.  I am sorry.  I usually don't go back and read them...I just write.  You get what's on my mind today.  At this moment.  It is what it is.  :)

To catch my OWN self up....here we go.  Had my chemo last Friday 7/13.  My counts were not only "high enough" they were higher than NORMAL!  8-point-something (It was a week ago and I'm too lazy to go pull my lab report....See?  chemo brain).  Still.....It only has to be 1.9 to take a treatment.  And remember Monday 7/9/2012, they were 0.06.  After Round 1, during same time frame -- they went from 0.50 at their lowest to 4.something.  Which was awesome.  But 8????  Ok, I'll give the Neupogen shots a little bit of credit.  But for counts so low, I was placed on an antibiotic, not to mention I felt like "dog poo on a shoe".....to climb that high, I'm gonna give thanks where due.  To our Lord!!  See what prayer can do??????  Not only was I "able to take treatment"....I was a "ROCK STAR!" ....insert cheesy little dance here! :)

Anyway, third treatment went as expected.  Felt horr...i...ble.  In bed...again...for approximately 5 days.  This time...I just gave into it.  Took meds.  Slept.  Tweaked the meds for side effects that I had planned to.  I didn't fight it.  I just let it run its course....and here we are.  Thursday evening....feeling pretty darn close to normal.  :)  God is good....all the time.  And all the time....God is good!

My Sydney was at her first year of Dance Camp this week at UCA as a member of the BJH Dance Team.  I am so extremely proud of her.  Its brutal on those girls!  I was able to make the trip, yesterday and today to watch her perform.  Thanks to my sweet friends, Lucretia and Kim for letting us ride to Conway.  I so enjoyed our visits.  I was still feeling crummy....and know I wasn't much company....But pushed through and was happy for my time with them....and to see my babygirl!  Syd received all "blue" ribbons on her individual evaluations, and the whole team represented their school as the class acts that they are.  They performed beautifully and brought home lotsa awards!

I can't believe my baby is old enough for all of this!  I am so cherishing every moment!  :) 

Tonight, I'm reminded of my sweet mother.  Tomorrow mark's the 11th anniversary of her getting her "Angel Wings".  Gosh.  11 years.  I miss her so much...and remember that day as vividly as it was yesterday.  Usually, every year on this day, of course, I am heavy-hearted, weepy, and even angry that Jay and I, and our children, were robbed of such a wonderful person.  I've questioned God over and over AND over.  I feel differently this year.  I have learned a lot about my mother in the past few months, and how she must have felt during her fight. Not only that, but how her life really was, underneath the shelter she provided to hide it from us. 

I know now, not to question His plan.  It is flawless.  I believe He saved her from her struggles here on earth.  As I go through some of the same medical struggles....the cancer, the chemo....and all that entails...I have better understanding of what she experienced in that respect.  But much deeper.  My mother deserved heaven.  My mother deserved to be in a place of "no sorrow....no tears."  She touched countless while she was here.  She taught my brother and I everything she knew.  Her work here was physically done.   And it will go on in those she loved.....forever.

The children and I continually see blessings each day throughout this struggle.  For we know His plan for us isn't flawless either.  This says it all.....

 

"Steady My Heart"

Wish it could be easy

Why is life so messy

Why is pain a part of us

There are days I feel like

Nothing ever goes right

Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here

You're real

I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts

Even when it's hard

Even when it all just falls apart

I will run to You

Cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul

Healer of my scars

You steady my heart [x2]

I'm not gonna worry

I know that You got me

Right inside the palm of your hand

Each and every moment

What's good and what gets broken

Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You

You're my refuge in Your arms

And I will sing to You

Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart [x2]

Please don't forget -- Save the Date for Team Terri!  :)  Go ahead!  Sign up!  :)
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

In loving memory....of my mother always.
In Him,
Terri

Quickie Doc update....

Monday...."Fun" day.....:(
Today was jam-packed full of all KINDS of things.  I'm usually pretty good at holding it all together but today, I was an emotional roller-coaster to say the least.  But as always....God revealed many blessings....so for THAT I am grateful.

Woke up feeling pretty crummy at first.  I usually wait a couple of hours before rendering a "verdict" on exactly how I feel on any particular day.  Mornings are usually a slow start for me....before the whole cancer thing.....and its certainly no different now.  I knew pretty quick that it wasn't really going to pass.  In the back of my mind, I kept thinking...."Dang it!  It's Monday and I get another treatment in 4 days!  This is getting into my "feel ok" week!"  So my spirits took a big hit today.  After posting a status asking for prayers.....I did begin to feel somewhat better.  And no, I know that is not coincidence.  I am well aware that prayer is the best medicine!  :)

However, that "free will" thing that we are born with, probably fueled by Satan a tad, kept me sinking into this "woe is me" attitude that really took over my day.  Ended the day with a good ole cry.....and usually "medicated me" can't find tears.  So there you have it!  I'm just a bawl bag today! :(

I worked a full day....Yay!  And picked up Syd and headed to the Doc.  I was to have labs, meet with Sally, Dr. Sneed's Nurse Practioner, and get the first of this round's three Neupogen injections.  My Sydney was precious today.  She has sensed that "momma has been down"....as much as I try to shield this from them.  At the very least, they read my blogs, so they know.  When I picked her up, she had perfomed the few chores I'd left to her to her "Sydney Clare" perfection, and even added a few extra's without being asked.  Took a big load off of ole mom.  I'm pretty OCD about a clean house, and can pretty much say I've not really lifted a finger....in a long time.  The kiddos and David are picking up so much of the slack for me.  So very grateful.

Anyway, we drove into Little Rock, having a little momma-Syd time.  Arrived at the Doc, and she loves watching me get shots.  Weird kid.  Until I HAD kids, I couldn't even have blood taken without fainting.  I'm a little tougher now....but needles aren't my favorite thing.  She watched the tech draw my blood and asked all kinds of questions....I found it humerous.  lol  And we waited to see Sally.

This would be my first time to see her rather than Dr. Sneed himself.  I must say, she was a blessing for me today.  Throughout all of this (with the exception of Dr. Harrison's ofc that very first day!) I've not shed one tear in front of a medical professional.  I'm not a hero....Celexa will do that for ya!  haha, but also, I usually am prepared and have my "this is business let's get it done" frame of mind at the doc.  But today, I was a bit broken.  I've felt so weak and almost like I really HAVE flunked the "Chemo Test" this week.  Trying to maintain a normal life through this is like trying to ride a bike up the toughest hill with the wind blowing straight against you as hard as you can possibly imagine it. 

Sally reminded me that it doesn't GET much worse than the chemo I'm getting.  And I'm getting these treatments closer together than most patients.  Doing as well as I am means I AM tough.  She looked past me and right at my Sydney.  And she told her how proud she should be of her mom.  That I am getting this horrible medicine in my body in such a way that few are even prescribed.  And I'm surviving it.  And I do have those stolen moments when I'm even thriving.  My NEUT% today was 0.06%.  Notice it was point.ZERO.six.  Meaning that I basically have no white blood cells.  And my blood pressure was low.  That alone would make fatigue a factor. 

While I'm sure that precious Sally is born to give these "pep talks,"  I SOOOO needed to hear that what I'm feeling isn't me being week.  It's me being "strong."  She let me cry, provided me tissues, even shed a few with me.....and shot me straight.  I've got two more of the "red devil."  I'm half-way finished with the worst four of the eight.  Most likely, the next two won't get better.  Accumulating these treatments, means most likely they will probabably be a little worse.  So I'm wrapping my head around that.  The final four treatments will be "Taxol" or  "Taxotere" and should not hit me as hard.  Ok....so let's get through these two.  Let's do this.  They placed me on a preventive antibiotic since my counts were so low and also a "miracle" wash for my mouth sores. 

I got hugs from my favorite peeps there, got my shot -- another fun moment for Syd...ha!, got my appointments for the next week or so and headed on out.  Sydney again, just quietly listened as I talked to her about my fears.  How I'm bummed that she will be in Conway next week.....her first year of School Dance team camp....and I most likely will not be able to make the trips to see her dance.  I pray every day that at the very least by Thursday I can make it for the final day.  Of course, she understands.  But this is a big week for her.  Not a "feel good mommy moment" at all.

We headed on to the ball field to watch my Sam.  Broken record time....I SOOOOO love my baseball family.  There isn't a single soul that I couldn't call and they would be there for me in a split second.  And every one of them are hurting right along with me with genuine concern.  Sometimes, I can feel "alone" in a crowded room.  And that's kinda where my spirit had been most of today.  Immediately, when I climbed to the top and sat by my "girls"....I felt at peace.  I don't know if they individually know what each and everyone of them mean to me.  Gosh...I get choked up thinking where we would be without them.  Friendships that have withstood the test of time, victories, disappointments, changes, and never....EVER....an ounce of drama.  Of course, I feel that way about others.  But these folks are special.  That's rare.  They are like family to me.....and they continue to help me in ways they don't even know.

Enjoyed my visits with them all....was happy to have my "little sister" Stacey there, to tell me all about her summer.  She is an active Chi-O at ASU and the big sister of Sam's friend and teammate.  Her mom was an Alpha Gam.  Sorry Susan, had to throw that in.  hehe  We, as a sisterhood are so blessed with Stacey.  Also, happy to visit with sweet Misti.....she popped in to watch our boys.

Lightening and rain cut the game short so we headed to the pharmacy an on home.  Due to it being after 9, I cooked grilled cheese sandwiches for the kiddos.....Sam ate SIX!  Lordy.  Anyway, headed on to bath & bed for my "good cry."  As I was about to hit "lights out," I was scrolling through Instagram and a friend had posted this......

Did that ever slap me right BETWEEN the eyes?  Upside the head? Trip me up?   Geesh.  I've wallowed all day.  Crying like a big ole baby.  And all the while, forgetting that I just need to give it to Him.  So that my friends, will be my attitude tomorrow.  Doesn't mean I'll feel good.  Or can do all I want to do.  But it means I'll be able to beat this....and be all HE wants me to be.  The rest is all just relative....right?

I'm going to end tonight's post like I plan to end each one for the next 3 months.  Save the date!  Race for the Cure in Little Rock:  Hooties for Hooters:  Team Terri, in memory of my mother, Patsy Cox.  We are doing the 5k walk.  And if I can do it.....anyone can!  I consider is a personal favor to anyone who will join in this cause.  I guarantee you will get much more out of it than I will.  By October 20, I will have been done with treatments exactly 1 month.  And I want EVERYONE I know to be there with me to celebrate.  As my friend Jana, who got this ball rolling says...."Let Little Rock know we are here!"  C'mon guys....sign up....don't disappoint me!  :)



Here is the link!  :)  Its also on my FB wall!  :)

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

I know my mom and countless others are SMILIN down from heaven!  :)

"Fear can keep us up all night long....but FAITH makes one fine pillow!"   Nite, friends!  :)

In Him,

Terri



Momma Has Cancer....:)

Notice the name change on my blog.  My God and I still are teaming up to earn my "Pink".  But a more realistic name for my journey....is "Momma Has Cancer...."   I am a mom.  A mom to two of the most precious souls on the planet.  And these kiddos are my strength and my reason to fight each day. 

They never complain.  They pile up in bed with me....because that's where I am the majority of the time these days.  They, too, treasure the moments of "normality" when I can steal a few moments to feel good enough for a lunch date or outing of any kind.  They still smile.  Still come to me for hugs.  Still keep their rooms a complete mess....forcing me to "holla".....:)  Love the normality and hope they bring to my every single day....without fail.  I've said it before.....but they have this "cancer" too.  They are also going through chemo with me.....Something I've watched my own mother go through.  I know it's not easy on them.  When I think about giving up.....and I have those moments from time to time....I just look at them.  They are so worth the fight. 

As much as I hate to go there, I must....Side effects are much worse this time.  This is a complete honest listing.....so if you don't really want the blow by blow....might wanna skip a few lines! :)  Nausea, Fever, Constipation to the point I'm bleeding, Fatigue, and Mouth sores.  The heat is killing me.  No headache this time....but the Aleve I was taking as a preventative during the day.....now hurts my tummy.  Doc had indicated that the Zofran to prevent nausea that I had taken during the first round religiously, can cause headaches.  So I've backed off of it this time.  And I've had more nausea.  One drug helps one thing....and seems to cause another issue.  During round 1, My "feel good day" was Saturday.  Day 7.  Still waiting Round 2's day to present itself. :(

Smells are starting to affect me. Not necessarily "food" smells.....but good smells. I've had to turn off the scentsy's.....find scent-free lip balm and lotions and bath soaps. Takes me back to my pregnancy days. When I was carrying Sam, is about the time that Victoria Secret put out its cucumber melon lotions, sprays, etc. I had so loved it. But after morning sickness, the cucumber melon smell to this day turns my stomach, 15 years later. Weird.

We are on day 8, last night was a rough night.  I woke up bound and determined to make it to Sunday School and Church.  My spirit is in need of as much healing as my body.  First, I wore the darn wig.  Just not me.  Hated it the whole time.  Of course, was met with many loving hugs, and friendly words, but inside I couldn't wait to get home and rip the thing off.  I remember sitting in SS and praying more than once that I wouldn't have to interupt by leaving in the middle.  Just didn't feel well.  Prayers worked....I made it through class and service and even had lunch with friends and kiddos.  I have about a "1 day window" when I can stomach Mexican food.....so we took it.  Reluctantly, but I took it.

Came home and found myself back in my bed where I am at the moment.  Funny, I used to love my bed.  I'm here so much feeling rotten, that its no longer a source of comfort anymore.  My spirit is breaking....because I'm only a quarter of the way through this nightmare.  I can't even allow myself to think about the strong possibility that it may not stop there.  What if I am battling this the rest of my life?  I've come to truly understand why some patients elect to stop treatment.  This isn't living.  This is merely a painful existance.  I know Satan is pulling and tugging at me trying to shake my faith.  I would be lying if I said that he isn't at times successful.  There are moments I find myself in tears just ready to give up....give in to this monster.  I've seen my own mother fight this for 5 years......and not survive it.  What is the world makes me think I will be any different?  Nobody can answer that.  There isn't a good answer.

I've rationalized many answers:  1) treatments have come a long way in 11 or so years.....ok.  Sure they have.  2)  My cancer is a different kind.....yep.  But not different "better"....but different "worse"....Mine is triple negative.  Can't be prevented, only killed.  3)  I'm a young (relativley speaking I guess!  :)) mother whose children need me......Of course they need me!  But my brother and I had the glue to our family ripped from us.  And our children were deprived from the most loving grandmother this world would have known.  So what can be said to that??  I have others, but will stop there.  Ya get the idea.  God hasn't revealed any answers yet.  Just His presence.  That is where I'm finding comfort.

I know that facing what could be a "terminal" illness has strengthened my faith.  But it continues to reach my weaknesses also.  I wouldn't be writing a blog from a place of honesty, if I didn't really "tell it like it is".  I'm scared to death.  I'm trying hard to focus on one day at a time.  Each day, I make myself list mentally the blessings of the day.  If I allow myself to think of this as a"long term" battle, which it is.....it drives me crazy.  But if I have to endure Breast Cancer....et.al, seriously enduring all that it entails.....the worry, the chemo, the side effects, the surgeries, the life alterations, the financial woes, the relationship changes.....all of it.  If I have to endure that to find peace in my faith.  To recognize my weaknesses and turn them around to help others.  To inspire even one person to be curious about Jesus.  I'd honestly do it all again.  I still fall short daily.  But as Pastor Rick fed me today....that "God's will" isn't that I got cancer.  He doesn't "will us" to endure pain.  But His will for us is to turn to Him in times of struggle.   To have an un-ending faith and trust in Him that nothing can break.

The Lord is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in Him, 
Nahum 1:7

I look at my kids.  They are stronger than I ever could be.  They are the epitome of strength and courage.  It can't be easy on them to watch their otherwise active mom, down for days on end.  But in their eyes I find the hope.  I realize my Sam and Sydney Clare are blessings straight from God, hand-picked to be my children, faithful Christ-followers, who never doubt for a second that "Momma's gonna be ok."  They are my best friends.  My everything.  I've been a wife, daughter, sister, friend, and Christian.  I've also been a sinner.  I've fallen short of Christ's plans for me many times throughout my life.  Through His grace, I've found salvation and forgiveness.  In my heart, I also know, that through God and His love for me, I will also be a Survivor.  Still.....my most treasured of these all....is that I'm a mom.  I am Sam's mom.  I am Sydney Clare's mom.  Blessed.

In Him,
Terri