Today was jam-packed full of all KINDS of things. I'm usually pretty good at holding it all together but today, I was an emotional roller-coaster to say the least. But as always....God revealed many blessings....so for THAT I am grateful.
Woke up feeling pretty crummy at first. I usually wait a couple of hours before rendering a "verdict" on exactly how I feel on any particular day. Mornings are usually a slow start for me....before the whole cancer thing.....and its certainly no different now. I knew pretty quick that it wasn't really going to pass. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking...."Dang it! It's Monday and I get another treatment in 4 days! This is getting into my "feel ok" week!" So my spirits took a big hit today. After posting a status asking for prayers.....I did begin to feel somewhat better. And no, I know that is not coincidence. I am well aware that prayer is the best medicine! :)
However, that "free will" thing that we are born with, probably fueled by Satan a tad, kept me sinking into this "woe is me" attitude that really took over my day. Ended the day with a good ole cry.....and usually "medicated me" can't find tears. So there you have it! I'm just a bawl bag today! :(
I worked a full day....Yay! And picked up Syd and headed to the Doc. I was to have labs, meet with Sally, Dr. Sneed's Nurse Practioner, and get the first of this round's three Neupogen injections. My Sydney was precious today. She has sensed that "momma has been down"....as much as I try to shield this from them. At the very least, they read my blogs, so they know. When I picked her up, she had perfomed the few chores I'd left to her to her "Sydney Clare" perfection, and even added a few extra's without being asked. Took a big load off of ole mom. I'm pretty OCD about a clean house, and can pretty much say I've not really lifted a finger....in a long time. The kiddos and David are picking up so much of the slack for me. So very grateful.
Anyway, we drove into Little Rock, having a little momma-Syd time. Arrived at the Doc, and she loves watching me get shots. Weird kid. Until I HAD kids, I couldn't even have blood taken without fainting. I'm a little tougher now....but needles aren't my favorite thing. She watched the tech draw my blood and asked all kinds of questions....I found it humerous. lol And we waited to see Sally.
This would be my first time to see her rather than Dr. Sneed himself. I must say, she was a blessing for me today. Throughout all of this (with the exception of Dr. Harrison's ofc that very first day!) I've not shed one tear in front of a medical professional. I'm not a hero....Celexa will do that for ya! haha, but also, I usually am prepared and have my "this is business let's get it done" frame of mind at the doc. But today, I was a bit broken. I've felt so weak and almost like I really HAVE flunked the "Chemo Test" this week. Trying to maintain a normal life through this is like trying to ride a bike up the toughest hill with the wind blowing straight against you as hard as you can possibly imagine it.
Sally reminded me that it doesn't GET much worse than the chemo I'm getting. And I'm getting these treatments closer together than most patients. Doing as well as I am means I AM tough. She looked past me and right at my Sydney. And she told her how proud she should be of her mom. That I am getting this horrible medicine in my body in such a way that few are even prescribed. And I'm surviving it. And I do have those stolen moments when I'm even thriving. My NEUT% today was 0.06%. Notice it was point.ZERO.six. Meaning that I basically have no white blood cells. And my blood pressure was low. That alone would make fatigue a factor.
While I'm sure that precious Sally is born to give these "pep talks," I SOOOO needed to hear that what I'm feeling isn't me being week. It's me being "strong." She let me cry, provided me tissues, even shed a few with me.....and shot me straight. I've got two more of the "red devil." I'm half-way finished with the worst four of the eight. Most likely, the next two won't get better. Accumulating these treatments, means most likely they will probabably be a little worse. So I'm wrapping my head around that. The final four treatments will be "Taxol" or "Taxotere" and should not hit me as hard. Ok....so let's get through these two. Let's do this. They placed me on a preventive antibiotic since my counts were so low and also a "miracle" wash for my mouth sores.
I got hugs from my favorite peeps there, got my shot -- another fun moment for Syd...ha!, got my appointments for the next week or so and headed on out. Sydney again, just quietly listened as I talked to her about my fears. How I'm bummed that she will be in Conway next week.....her first year of School Dance team camp....and I most likely will not be able to make the trips to see her dance. I pray every day that at the very least by Thursday I can make it for the final day. Of course, she understands. But this is a big week for her. Not a "feel good mommy moment" at all.
We headed on to the ball field to watch my Sam. Broken record time....I SOOOOO love my baseball family. There isn't a single soul that I couldn't call and they would be there for me in a split second. And every one of them are hurting right along with me with genuine concern. Sometimes, I can feel "alone" in a crowded room. And that's kinda where my spirit had been most of today. Immediately, when I climbed to the top and sat by my "girls"....I felt at peace. I don't know if they individually know what each and everyone of them mean to me. Gosh...I get choked up thinking where we would be without them. Friendships that have withstood the test of time, victories, disappointments, changes, and never....EVER....an ounce of drama. Of course, I feel that way about others. But these folks are special. That's rare. They are like family to me.....and they continue to help me in ways they don't even know.
Enjoyed my visits with them all....was happy to have my "little sister" Stacey there, to tell me all about her summer. She is an active Chi-O at ASU and the big sister of Sam's friend and teammate. Her mom was an Alpha Gam. Sorry Susan, had to throw that in. hehe We, as a sisterhood are so blessed with Stacey. Also, happy to visit with sweet Misti.....she popped in to watch our boys.
Lightening and rain cut the game short so we headed to the pharmacy an on home. Due to it being after 9, I cooked grilled cheese sandwiches for the kiddos.....Sam ate SIX! Lordy. Anyway, headed on to bath & bed for my "good cry." As I was about to hit "lights out," I was scrolling through Instagram and a friend had posted this......
Did that ever slap me right BETWEEN the eyes? Upside the head? Trip me up? Geesh. I've wallowed all day. Crying like a big ole baby. And all the while, forgetting that I just need to give it to Him. So that my friends, will be my attitude tomorrow. Doesn't mean I'll feel good. Or can do all I want to do. But it means I'll be able to beat this....and be all HE wants me to be. The rest is all just relative....right?
I'm going to end tonight's post like I plan to end each one for the next 3 months. Save the date! Race for the Cure in Little Rock: Hooties for Hooters: Team Terri, in memory of my mother, Patsy Cox. We are doing the 5k walk. And if I can do it.....anyone can! I consider is a personal favor to anyone who will join in this cause. I guarantee you will get much more out of it than I will. By October 20, I will have been done with treatments exactly 1 month. And I want EVERYONE I know to be there with me to celebrate. As my friend Jana, who got this ball rolling says...."Let Little Rock know we are here!" C'mon guys....sign up....don't disappoint me! :)
Here is the link! :) Its also on my FB wall! :)
I know my mom and countless others are SMILIN down from heaven! :)
"Fear can keep us up all night long....but FAITH makes one fine pillow!" Nite, friends! :)
In Him,
Terri
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