Redeemed

Writing tonight from a place of fullness of "heart" from the wonderful weekend I've had.  And from a place of ...for lack of better words....fear and confusion.  I'm hoping this entry helps me to sort out my feelings in a productive way.  I'm finding myself in unfamiliar territory.

First the good stuff....
Friday night....watched my Sam play a very wet and sloshy football game.  I'm such a PROUD Panther mom!  It was miserable weather.  Yuk.  But didn't mind being there among the other moms and cheerin for our boys.   Leigh and I cooked up several to go to Chili's.....a table of Syd's friends....and a table of Sam's friends.  And wonderful visits with parents.  (Thank you Scott & Karla for the gift card....we made great memories while using it! :))  A good good night!  :)

All the suprises!!!  :)  Big and small.....each has come in its own time and meant the world to me. Sweet cards, hats, meal cards, movie passes.....Such generosity!  My sweet friend Holley, sent me a sweet text Friday afternoon and gave us the sweetest gift.  2 razorback tickets for Saturday's game on the hill.  My Sambo was so pumped!  Got pics throughout the day from his "view."  Yes, the game was a bloodbath.  But my boy had a wonderful time.  He and David hooked up with some friends and made the trip.....and chances are they probably watched this year's National Championship team. 

Razorback tickets just aren't in my budget this year.  And Sam knows this.  It was a precious gift and I was so thrilled!  How will I ever thank her adequately?????

 

 

Since the boys were gone for the day, Syd and I had a little girls' day.  I woke up feeling crummy.  Just that time again, when the counts were dropping, etc.  Headed to the pharmacy and we ran a few errands.  One of which was breakfast at Ihop....Yummy!  While there, our dear friends, Brenda and Blake came in.....from our Cubs family.  Oh how I've missed them!  Got the chance for a quick hug and a visit.  We finished up and asked for the check....only to be told it had already been paid.  I'm gonna get her!  Thank you sweet Brenda.  I love you!

 

 

Went home and napped in between Alabama touchdowns.  Still feeling yuk....but the rainy lazy day allowed me to rest.  Chloe was visiting Syd and they were heading to Syd's first babysitting job Sat. evening.  I fed them and dropped them off and met my gang for my dear friend, Shane's birthday dinner.  Lots of laughs as always with old and new friends.  These people are so special to me!!

Happy Birthday to my Shane!

 

 

Don't they make me look good?  :)  Pretty accessories for the night! 

 

Shane has been such an inspirational source of strength throughout this journey.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  In fact....I will have to blog an entire entry in her honor really soon......and share here all of the encouraging words I've gotten from her at the most God-given, perfect times.  She is my Sister in Christ.  We share a special bond...she and I. God bless Shane!  :)

 

 

Today, we headed out early to UALR for Sam's baseball game.  Again, precious time shared with my baseball family.  Of course, Sam made me proud on the field.  As usual.  About 15 of us shared lunch together at Shorty Small's.....and we enjoyed the laughs and began planning our next vacation together!  :)  Surely by next summer, I'll be back on my feet enough to join in the fun.  Of the 15, 10 were of the Johnson family.....et.al.  Just love love love them.  Envy of such family love and support.  They have always welcomed us with such love and support.  Just makes me smile.  And none of them would "own up" to buying our lunch.  Lordy.....:)

 

 

After lunch, ran home for a quick catnap....got the kiddos to Pure Energy (youth choir) at Church, ran to clean the Dentist's office that I do each week, and got groceries for the week.  Everyone is sleeping, and momma is plum tuckered out!!! 

 

 

My heart is heavy and my mind is confused.  I had a small melt-down this evening.  Ok, maybe not so small.  Again, since we have been "on the go" every moment and I've not felt well.....the house is a wreck and the laundry is piled up.  I tend to forget that my kids are just that.....kids.  Sometimes, I have to "nudge" them a little to pick up the slack.  Ok....rephrase....sometimes, I have to down right put the "BEAT DOWN" on them and make threats of "phone removal" etc, to get a fire lit under them.  I'm so ready to be their mom again.  To cook for them....do their laundry.....to be there for them and not just "exist"......to not rely on others to take them here and there. 

 

Of all the things in my life, that is the ONE thing that I've always been good at......being a good mom.  Of all the mistakes, failed relationships, and failures in "life".....that is my proudest thing.  I am good to my kids.  I know they know without a doubt I am always there for them and that I love them with all that I am.  The thing that has broken my spirit the most is where this "FBC" (haven't said that in a while!  hehe)  has impacted my ability to be a good mom.  Talk about angry.  If anyone has followed this blog from the beginning....they know that.  My kids have been forced to grow up a little the past few months.  To not only fend for themselves, but to take care of me.  Our lives revolve around cancer....chemo.....doc appointments.  We have conversations like...."Is that your bad weekend?"  "Will you feel like it by Wednesday?"  Ugggggg.....

 

I have to dodge volunteering for concession stand duty.....and beg on facebook for friends to buy cookie dough because I've simply not been able to do my job.  Buying groceries tonight was a feat.  When I picked up the kiddos from church.....they were excited to see hot pockets!!  How sad is that?  When moms talk about getting dirt stains out of ball pants.....I cower in my seat because I know that Sam washed his OWN ball pants for the game today.  No care for the stains.

 

Ok ok....I'm done whining about that.  It all built up in me tonight and I was ugly to them.  Ugly to David.  I mean....he didn't sign up for all of this.  I've not been easy to love.  Sometimes I almost force him to leave to give him the "out".....knowing he is too good a guy to ever leave me like this.  I can be mean and ugly and I've had to swallow alot of my own words and dish out some apologies tonight.  Sometimes its just all too much.  And I have diarrhea of the mouth.  I know they love me.  All of them.  David, Sam & Syd.  They understand.  They ingnore it.  And soon, they will have their mom back and to them, this will be a distant memory.  Our faith tells us that.  But I'm not very proud of myself today. 

 

I'm sorry to you, David.  You have been precious and have done all in your power to come to my every need.  To comfort me.  To support me.  To pick up the slack.  I know this.  And am grateful for this.  I'm sorry to my kiddos, that part of their life has been touched and altered again by this cancer.  Syd actually offered to me her babysitting money to help with expenses.  What a kid.......They have been so wonderful....and today....for a few moments, I forgot that.  For that, I'm sorry.

 

We couldn't attend church and SS this morning, due to baseball.  That always gets me on the wrong foot. And while I'm so ready to get that last treatment under my belt.  I have lots of fear along with it.  I meet with Dr. Sneed tomorrow.  He better settle in for a lengthy visit!  I've got lots of questions. Chemo is over.  Now what?  I have a list of questions.  Then, I guess the mental/emotional battle begins. Re-establishing a life. Being a mom again. Getting back to work....really focusing on my job.  Learning to not live in fear and panic and anxiety of cancer's return.

 

I am afraid of stopping the fight....almost as I was when I went in for treatment #1.  I will miss those who cared for me in the medical realm.  I am undecided as to whether to continue this blog.....and if I don't, I will miss this.  I will miss being lifted up in prayer as often when the "old Terri" returns and people begin to forget.  There is just a more emotional side to #8 than just "Yay, its over".  Because for me.....will it ever really be over????  I do have a feeling that life after chemo will be a much better place to be.  My Jesus tells me so! 

 

I can only pray and ask for God to guide me through my emotional health in the coming weeks....as I have my physical health.  I'm resigned to turning it over to Him.  While I'm nearing the end of this phase of "healing".....I'm still walking my faith journey.  I look down at my arm......to see that familiar verse from Philippians 4:13 that I began with.  "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."  I'm reminding myself that He will be there for me even when the cancer is gone.  When the chemo is over.  And my hair is back.  And I'm feeling strong again.  I realize now, that ANY strength I feel comes from Christ Jesus.  My scars remind me that, in HIM, I survived......

 

While I was cleaning in the office alone tonight, I had KLove on my phone.  This song came on to remind me of that strength......

 



 

I am not who I used to be.  I am redeemed.

 

Don't forget!  Time is closing in......Team Terri! We're gonna have a good time girls! :))

 

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2568&team_id=219501

 

In Him,

Terri

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

Love Deeper....

This week has been slammed full!  Where EVER do I start?  I've been itchin' to blog for several days and just haven't felt up to it.  So, in true "Terri" fashion.....I made a list!  Might be a long one.....I'm settled in to write a bit....

Business first.....The medical junk.  Lucky #7 kicked my ever-lovin hiney.  Hoping to work tomorrow....Friday.  Which will be the only day this week.  I'm praying that the Lord continues to protect my job.  For I'm not the most dependable lately!  :(  The bone pain is excrutiating at times.....dull and nagging ALL the time.  Thankfully, it seems to be easing some. I've had headaches this time and some nausea and tummy stuff.  Missed out on some fun "mom things" this week.  Ballgames, church, and of course work.  Glad I've got some great friends....We may be on their couch if I don't make it through one more round!  :)

"One more round"......To some, I'm sure that doesn't mean the same thing that it does to me.  Folks, I've JUST about knocked this thing out!  Let me re-phrase....WE have just about knocked it out.  It has definately been a team effort.  We are continuing to be blessed in more ways than I can ever list.

"Faith"
Last Friday, I went in for my treatment.  Typically, Friday afternoons, I have the chemo room to myself.  Occassionally there are others in and out but most of the time its me and my "chemo buddies" for the day.  Always my sweet Sonya.  I think she has been there nearly every treatment.  Such a comfort.  While I'm now a pro.....it is so nice to have her there.  If nothing else, we can catch up on girl talk and without fail, we share laughs.  Hope she knows what she means to me.  I'm sure I don't show it enough.

Anyway....Friday was a little different.  We shared chemo time with another fighter.  I didn't even catch her name.  I've seen her a time or two....but today we really talked.  Here I was....going on and on about how I only had "one more after this one".....and the next time "I would have my graduation".....etc.etc.  I'm going to name her "Faith".  Because she was absolutely the epitome of it!!!  Faith came in with a bubbly attitude and a smile.  Going on with the nurses like I do....Wearing a sassy little wig.  This time, she sat directly across from me and we began to chat.  Will never forget this conversation.....

Faith:  "Do you mind if I ask how old you are?"  
Me:  "I'm 41"
Faith:  "I'm 42!" and she smiled. ( It's rare that I have much in common with the others in the chemo room.....other than "chemo" of course.)
Faith:  "What kind of cancer did you use to have?"
Me:  "I have breast cancer and only have one treatment left!  Thank goodness!"  (There I go....bragging again like an idiot!  I honestly thought she was thinking mine was recurring....)
Faith:  "No, you USED to have breast cancer!" ( Big smile.....correcting me that this chemo has done its job....and I've survived.)
Me:  "Absolutely!  May I ask what your cancer WAS?"
Faith:  "Well, I was diagnosed at 31 with breast cancer.....and the doctor says its back in my liver, and I've been on chemo for 3 years.  Indefinately.  But I'm gonna make a believer out of Dr. Khalil.  My God has taken care of this.  It's gone.  I know it is.  I will have my "last treatment" day too."
Me:  Feeling like a COMPLETE jerk.....cowering at my reality check.  My heart sank.....completely sank for my new friend.  8 years out and it came back????  Chemo for 3 YEARS?  Indefinately?
Faith: "Did you have the Adriacytoxin?"
Me: "The Red Devil?  I did.....it kicked my hiney!"
Faith: "Girl, I call it the "Blood of Jesus"......."  Said with such attitude and conviction. 

We chatted a bit further about our children and such, and as she left she looked at me and we promised to pray for one another.  But I've not been able to get her out of my mind.  Sonya and I have discussed her since.  She touched both of us that day.  What a true inspiring sister in Christ I found that day.  There is not a doubt in my mind that the Lord had a hand in it.  Made me think about a number of things.

This may not be over for me.  It may come back someday.  If so.....God will not leave me then.  Nor should my faith be shaken.  I'm sure the devil was there that day.  Making me cower.  Making me fear the future.  Making me worry.  You know, that is how Satan works....in the form of worry.  Faith has no room for worry.  Only Hope.  I know that is "ok" to celebrate the fact that I've made it this far.  But it's also ok to notice my scars. 

Tim McGraw had this song once...."Live like you were Dying".....or something like that.  I can remember a couple of phrases in it...."Love Deeper and Spoke Sweeter."  This cancer has definately made me truly love in a deeper way.  Love my Christ, love my children, love my family and friends.  Love myself, even.  I know longer look in the mirror and hate myself for past mistakes.  Those emotional scars mean I "survived," just like the physical ones.  And like my friend "Faith".....if it comes back.  We begin to fight.  Again. and Again. 

It has also made me want to speak "sweeter" to others.  And constantly say "I love you."  Not always 100% successful at this one.  I'm pretty grouchy these days.  But I am consitently making the effort to try harder.  Words are so powerful.  In good ways.  And in bad ways.  The whole "sticks and stones.....blah blah blah"   Baloney!!! 

Friends, please pray for my friend Faith.  That her cancer is gone.  Forever.  And offer a prayer of thanksgiving for placing her in my path to inspire me. 

"FOOTBALL"
It's that time of year when the men in my life talk about nothing but football, my daughter's activies are all centered around the "game", my TV only picks up ESPN, my newsfeed is crammed with pics and status updates about everyone's favorite team, coaches, blogs, etc.  Football Season is here.

My Sam is one of 2 or 3 sophomores seeing playing time on Friday nights for the Panthers.  That's cool.  I mean, really cool.  He works so hard.  Loves the game.  And there isn't much I'd rather do than be in the stands watching him.  He also plays for the JV team on Monday nights.  My health has forced me to miss some of his moments on the field....and that KILLS me.  While I know in my heart he understands, I also know he KNOWS when I'm there.  No matter the sport.....when he hits the sidelines the first time, he is scanning the stands.  If I'm not looking, David will often nudge me....."Momma...he's looking for you!"......and I'll wave like a fool and he will give me the "head nod" and go on about his business.  I love it.  Without fail....everytime.  Yep, he knows I'm there.  Due to the many prayers, I've not missed much! 

With JV games on Mondays, Jr High on Thursdays, when Sydney dances, and Varsity on Fridays......I'm footballin 3 nights a week.  Makes me tired BEFORE the cancer thing!  haha   Like I said, no place I'd rather be!

Panthers pulled a win last Friday night after a 2 hour rain delay.  Walked off the field around midnight.  Go Panthers!

We were able to tailgate Saturday for the first LR Razorback game.  Best time with my friends and all their kiddos.....I took advantage of every single "feel good" moment that I had.  Lots of laughs and memories were made that day.  Even though the hogs suffered a loss, it was a good good day.  My heart goes out to those kids.  Kids are what they are.  The way everyone downs them.....Can't be easy to hold their heads high and I know they have Mommas.....Lordy.  Again, words.  Ouch.

Tailgate fun....:)

Sunday, we followed Sam to UALR to play fall baseball.  His "green" team pulled out a win.  And I got sweet hugs and visits from my baseball family.  Good good day.

"Last Chance"
Sunday afternoon, the side effects began and have kept me pretty much down all week.  Lots of time to reflect on those I love and how this fight has forever changed me and my "faith."  I can see the end of this battle.  But the war is far from over.  I know there will come a day.....long from now....where I might go a full day without talking about "cancer".  But I can't help but smile at all the love and friendship I have felt throughout this all.  We have come a long way since that day I stood in Dr. Harrison's office.  April 23, 2012.  Changed my life forever. 

"Race"
So excited for this year's Race for the Cure.  I'm walking with a wonderful team and in memory of my sweet mother.  Forced me just imagine what this world would be like without breast cancer???  Gosh.....we need that cure.  I am so happy to see such a large team forming and so hopeful that the rest of my friends will join in!  Even if you can't make it.....They have an option to register for the "Sleep In for the Cure".....and you get to support us even though you are able to make it.  $26 and a few clicks and ya get the Tshirt.  More importantly.....you help my team.....you help this foundation give people like ME hope that I never have to watch my daughter go through this. 

I think I currently have 22 members registered.  We can do MUCH better than that!  I've had nearly 100 "likes" on FB from a silly post before.  Takes about that much time to do much more.  And since Komen is cool....they have a "no excuses" approach!  C'mon friends!  Don't make me seek you out!  I know that EVERYONE has someone that this disease has touched.  Join my team and walk for your personal hero! Or donate in THEIR honor or memory.  :)

Here is the link.....
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2568&team_id=219501

Thank you! Thank you!  :)

I decided to post a pic of me.....the real me without the hat.  I never want to forget anything about this fight!

My specific prayer in the coming days is this.....That if there is ANY cancer cells left.....even the tiniest.  Any PRE-cancerous cells.  Any trace at all in my body.  That Treatment #8....at 1:30 on September 21, 2012, will go straight to them and attack until they are gone.  Heck, while I'm at it.....add that it can leave my good cells alone so I'll feel good!  :)  This is my last chance attack.  Gotta make it count!!!  Please lift me up.

Many blessings and love to everyone.
In Him,
Terri
 

Little Things

Tonight, I can't sleep.  Not because I feel bad or because I'm restless.  I'm simply overwhelmed.  For the most part, I have really had a good day.....physically, emotionally, spiritually.   In the life of a chemo patient....those days don't come tooooo often where the stars are lined up JUST right.  So I couldn't go to sleep without writing about THIS day.  :)

Nothing really earth-shattering happened.  Worked a full day.  Been skipping lunch hours and just "brown bagging" it to the office to get as much work done as I can before another treatment.  First of the month, so its been a tad busy.  And with a holiday thrown in there, this week has been a little extra crazy.  My days have been incredibly productive.  I can now find the top of my desk, and have addressed most of my little "stacks" that needed attention. That in itself makes me feel great!

In my last few minutes at the office, the twins (kiddos of a co-worker) came in after school. Sweet Kinley popped in beside me and chit chatted a bit. She is a 2nd grader and before I could even ASK about her new teacher, etc, etc, she asked me how I was doing......smiled big when I told her I was almost done. She said, "I don't want you to be sick." I told hugged her sweet little self tight and told her it won't be long now. We talked about my hair growing back, what it might look like, etc. She said, "You are stil so pretty....it don't matter." Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. What a precious precious child!!! She never batted an eye. We shared a snack and a piece of gum and that was it!

Came home to an empty quiet house this afternoon.  Made a big ole pot of beef stew.  And homemade pimento cheese like my Mamaw taught me.  Syd was cheering for her friend Emme at her Volleyball game and Sam was still at football practice.  Cooking dinner felt good.  Felt "normal."  In all honesty, I've not felt much like doing anything but falling into bed on the days I've felt "ok".  When Sam came in the first words were, "Mom!  Something smells great!"   Love it.  The little things.....  To many, I may be over-reacting at such an everyday thing.  But for us, most of our meals have come from the hands of others or a paper bag in the last few weeks.  This was BIG!  :)  It is so wonderful to realize the littlest of things these days.

Kellie Pickler.  Wow.  The girl is awesome.  Shaved her head in honor of her close friend who is battling breast cancer.  Proudly showing her bald head....no hat, no wig.  Simply beautiful.  I had a hard time holding back the tears when my Sonya sent me this pic today.....

Reminded me of the day I made the trip to shave mine.  David made the decision to shave his along with me.....I KNOW how loved I felt on that day.  And I know what a gesture Kellie is making for her friend.  I don't for a MINUTE think it was a publicity stunt.....and it angers me to think people would even think that.  She is a hero in my book!  You go girl!! 

I felt the "love" all over again when Sonya sent this to me.  Another "little thing" that made me smile today.


Picked up the kiddos from church and headed home for all of us to eat....again!  lol  It was a huge pot after all.  I think my Sam ate 3 or 4 bowls and at least 6 "minage cheese" (that is how syd would say pimento cheese when she was a baby....and it stuck) sandwiches.  We laughed and talked about the day.  Made plans for Syd's "game day" and pep rally tomorrow.  Syd spent an hour going through old purses of mine looking for loose change so she could have money for the concession stand tomorrow night.....lol.  Crazy kid....I told her no "extras" this week....we are on a budget!  So she played "finders keepers" for a while.  Everytime she found a quarter....you'd have thought it was a hundred dollar bill.  The kid found about 11 bucks!   lol

I took a bath and am now in bed blogging.  Kids are in their rooms studying and such.  While ago, I get this text from sweet Bailey, daughter of my friend Sonya.  Despite my trying.....I broke down and let the tears fly.....

Not only that.....she requested prayers for me among her friends on Instagram.  I chatted with Sonya only to find that for some reason....Bailey was just really emotional tonight and felt the need to reach out to me and FOR me.  THAT my friends, hit me hard.  What a sweet little girl.  I was suprised and touched beyond words.  Overwhelmed at a child's love.  At a child's heart.  While it was a "little thing" for her to do.  I pray that she knows and understands what a "Big" thing it was for me.  That child is precious.  And I pray that she recieve 10 times the blessings that she gave for me and my children tonight.

Again, God works through everyone.  We ALL have talents and hearts that can be used to spread His love.  Sweet Bailey and precious Kinley did just that today. 

I'm heading to sleep tonight....ready for tomorrow.  Sam has to be at the school at 6:30 for baseball.  Syd dancing her first pep rally tomorrow afternoon and takes the field at halftime tomorrow night.  She is so excited and I am so proud of her!!  Big day tomorrow for the Bakers. 

Friday is Lucky #7.  Treatment, that is.  7 of 8 will be under my belt.  So please keep us in your prayers as we do this just 2 more times.  I think I can....I think I can.....I think I can!  :)

Please don't forget to register and Walk...Run....Crawl......in the Race for the Cure next month. You can  even be a part of us from your couch!!!!   They have Spirit Runners......you can donate and receive the shirt even if you can't physically be there!  :)  Team Terri......Come walk for your YOUR hero and join in the efforts of finding that cure.  Pah-Leese??????  :)

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

This link takes you right to my team page.  We need ya! 

In Him,
Terri

Chemo of Faith

Still rockin along on the "new" chemo.  It IS much better I will admit.  Only two more to go!  To many people September 21 is "just another day".....to about 30,000 Saline County residents its the "Town to Town Showdown"......the Salt Bowl.  But to me?  and my little circle?   It's "No Mo Chemo" day!  Whoop Whoop!  :)

I feel really good about things.  After treatment #6.....aka #2 of the Taxane......I had a few days of "rotten" but muddled through and managed to even work about 16 hours last week!  Yay!  There is "rotten" and there is "Red Devil rotten".......nothing can compare the two.  While its really not a "walk in the park"......I'll take THIS chemo any day!  :)

Side effects for the medical record:  Treatment Day (Friday) -- feel good.  Saturday....Feel Good, Sunday.....The fade begins in the afternoon.  Fatigue and Bone Pain.  Mon and Tues.....Bad Bone Pain.  All over.  Wed.....Just feel crummy.  Can't really put my finger on it.....just blah!  After that I can function pretty good.....but just really tired.  Thats to be expected with low counts.  Not having to take any more Neupogen shots (we think!) so that saves about 3 trips to the doc a week.  Nearing the end folks!  :)

Had a super great weekend.  Had zero agenda.  Kiddos came and went.  I cleaned my house on Saturday......felt so good!  Did a little grocery shoppin......and watched the Hogs.  Don't laugh at me....but I am a HUGE reality tv buff.  There was a "The Hills" marathon on MTV and I watched every episode this weekend.  Yep, I'm a dork.  Just love the show.  I love fashion.  Kinda made me miss my hair though.  They all have such beautiful hair!!!!  Can't wait for mine to grow back.......well, I hope!   lol   Its a mystery as to what my new look will be!  Maybe I can have Heidi Montag hair this time!  :)

On Sunday, Sunday School and Church was great.  Sunday School is wall-to-wall friends again.  Love it.  When school starts back, so does the routine.  Everyone is back home and church is just more wonderful in the company of friends.  Had a great lesson, wonderful discussion, and talked to me in personal ways.  Pastor Rick, as always, spoke a powerful sermon.  On a dry erase board on my fridge states his words from Sunday....."Are your words....True, Kind, AND Necessary?"  Wow.  Think about how this world if we ALWAYS practiced that?  True. Kind. Necessary.   Something to think about. 

I chatted with a sweet friend, Jenny, in between SS and Church, and she began to tell me what an inspiration I have been to her.  That even through my "storm", I have continued to praise Him. Of course, I confessed that on most days I'm pretty grumpy and don't feel very "inspirational."  I proceeded to tell her what I was working on in this blog.  I have cancer.  And quite frankly.....the cancer, the chemo, the feeling bad, the financial strain it has put on my family, the overall "inconvenience" it has been to me as a mother.....all of it....sucks.  BUT....in all honesty I cannot tell you how it has changed my life.

I don't know how my future is going to unfold.  I may have a scan at the end of this and show cancer somewhere else.  I may be like Robin Roberts.....and suffer something down the road from all the Chemo my body has endured.  OR I may walk out of those doors on Sept 21.....with truly my LAST treatment under my belt forever.  I may live to be a hundred and this be a distant memory someday.  We just don't know.  Am I afraid?  Sure I am.  Will I always hold my breath when I have a test or a scan or xray?  You bet.  Will every little ache or pain or headache or "cyst" bother me?  Of course.  

But I will tell you this.  I will spend the rest of my days.....trying to tell others about Jesus.  Maybe not in words.  But by the way I live.  Will I be perfect??  Never.  But this cancer has changed my life and blessed me in so many incredible ways.  This "cancer" has HEALED me in other areas of my life.  Past relationships, past mistakes, past ways of living.  Things that USED to matter to me....and used to bring me to worry constantly......i,e, money, parenting, useless "gossip" and "drama"......I've turned over to the Lord.  My whole focus on living is now different.  I have never been broker than I am right now.  Today.  I literally have $30 in my wallet.  Zero in the bank.  Rent is due. The electric bill is outragious. Prescriptions that need to be filled. Medical bills out the wazooo.  I have three ballgames to go to this week.  Am I worried?  Nope. Because....my faith is in God.  I was invited to ride to a game tomorrow night with a friend....My gas tank is full and the cubbards aren't bare....get the idea?   I have healthy children and in five days I will get another paycheck.  It will work out.  It always does.  Always.

I have friends who gossip.  Who use facebook as a weapon to be ugly and cruel to others.  I have friends who get caught up in drama constantly.  I still love them.  And I will continue to be right there beside them.  And yep!  I use FB to vent from time to time.....like the kind Police officer who scolded me for the "incorrect seatbelt" use.  But I am trying to no longer buy into drama of any kind.  I'm trying hard to love others for who they are.  To try to be a light for THEM if only by keeping quiet.  You see?  If it isn't "true, kind, AND necessary" to say......then why say it??  That statement was like taking a bullet.  Ouch.

I have friends that are simply precious.  Who check on me nearly everyday.  Who are "do-ers"......ie, show up at my house and wash my dirty underwear......who bring me meals......who cart my kids to and fro.  Who just tell me to "shut up and go to bed....We've got this!" :)  Ones who show up at my office with sonic drinks and hugs!  I have friends from afar that text, call, and write to me.  Send me greeting cards and meal cards, and financial gifts.  I have old friends I haven't seen or talked to in years.....who reach out to me and have made ME a part of their everyday life by placing me in their prayers.  I have new friends.....friends I've met BECAUSE of the cancer....who I will truly miss when all of this is over.  Who I will be forever grateful to for their gentle kindness.  My doctors, my nurses, and even those sweet folks who share this disease with me and understand my fight.  Others who have stepped in to help us.....a family they don't even know.....get through this time.  Sweet ones I now call friends.

I have the friends I've loved for years....who have never left my side.  Who continue to love me and would drop everything to come be with us if we needed anything at all.  I have a very different family dynamic.....and I do feel like I've been brought closer to some because of my illness.  It has brought precious strangers into my life....who pray for me. 

I have kids with the strength of Daniel, and with the patience of Job.  They are MY source of light, fight, and faith every single day.  I am amazed at how they live every single day without a doubt that mom's gonna be ok and this is almost over!  :)  They both are working soooooooo hard and I get a run-down each evening of their day's events, that never cease to make me proud.  Sam is working so hard in football.....and in a few days baseball gears back up.  The kid never stops.  Syd is loving the dance team and is working so hard.  Both are bringing home good grades and keeping up with homework.  They make my job as a mom pretty easy most days. 

I have wonderful, God-loving bosses who fully understand my struggles and who have worked with me throughout this journey and always put my health first.  They make me want to give my "ALL" as an employee and have been a source of comfort to me knowing my job was secure.  Many times I have to text: "Not doing well today...will try again tomorrow".......and the reply is ALWAYS..."Sorry you are not feeling well....take care of yourself."  What a blessing in itself. 

My point is this.  I would do it ALL again......to be where I am now in my faith.  And my close circle knows exactly how brutal this has really been on me.  That is a powerful statement.  And one I make with strong conviction.  The insurmountable blessings that have been poured upon us cannot be measured.  My priorities are different.  My feelings are different.  My whole being has been changed.  It changed everything.  I've prayed over and over for the Lord to heal my body.  And I've made a deal with Him.....for lack of better words.  I will use the rest of my days trying to be a comfort to others going through this.  To be someone else's hero.  Please don't misunderstand.  I'm not trying to say I've grown into all I want to be.  I'm far from a hero......but if my story.....if my words....can comfort another "Momma w/Cancer" then maybe I've found a purpose??

More importantly, I think its appropriate to use the whole "chemo" analogy.  Chemo basically kills ALL cells in the blood....good and bad.  Then the "good" cells reproduce and the "bad" ones are killed.  Gone.  This cancer has truly been my "Chemo."  It has beat me down....even killing my good spirit on some days.  Many days.  BUT.....mostly it is working to kill all the "bad" things as well.  If everything I do is in HIS glory......I believe I will find my purpose.  If my focus is on the things that REALLY matter.....He will bless it.  I have found my second chance within this cancer.  I have found my blessings.  I have found my faith.  I want to continue life with the "good" stuff.  Chemo killed the bad......

I will always remember the ugliness of this journey.  I have scars.....hurts......and fears.  This excerpt from the book, "Little Bee" was shared with me by my dear friend, Statia......(Start w/ On the girl's brown legs.....)

My scars mean I SURVIVED!  How powerful is that?????  And I am constantly reminded how "alive" I am.  My sad story has shown me SOOOO many marvelous blessings. 

What a cool awesome journey I'm on......Don't leave me friends. He placed you in my path because He knew I'd need ya!  :)

In Him,
Terri

My Week!

How am I eva eva gonna get caught up??  Lordy.....Been a jammed-filled few days since I last posted.
Some pretty significant things have happened....Good and not so good.  Today? I feel pretty darned good and can see the light at the end of this tunnel.....Let's just hope it's not a TRAIN!  ha!

Let's see, in a nutshell....I have:
- Buried my grandfather...
- Started the new chemo...
- Watched my daughter as a BJH Dancer on the field for the first time...
- Watched my son play his first high school...."sort of a game"....
- Spent time with family...
- Spent time with friends...
- Registered and will send my Syd to Junior High tomorrow...
- Registered and will send my Sam to High School tomorrow...
- Witnessed my Sam pass his driver's test...
- Been pretty darn sick.....
-  And felt pretty darn incredible....

Lots of ups and downs lately, but still so incredibly blessed and today...this minute....Satan has NOT won on the many times he has tried testing my faith.  Yep, I'm not perfect....and he got a lead on me a time or two.  But My God is bigger.....so back off dude!  :)

"See ya Later" Papaw...
Funny how He can send blessings in the midst of any storm.  I was reminded of that last weekend.  After taking chemo, we rushed to West Helena to make it to my Papaw's visitation.  Made it in the knick of time.....Actually, a few minutes late, but they held the doors open for us. Was met with hugs and love from all of my family who share my love for this man.  Words just can't describe the hole in our hearts......

My brother had to head back that evening for work, but let his children, my neice and nephew stay with us at my Mamaw's house.  Aunt Terri got to spoil them!  :) So enjoyed these sweet kiddos!

Saturday, we were fed a family meal by the ladies of WHUMC.....Ya know, the Methodists believe that it is in the Bible somewhere...."Wherever two or more are gathered, there shall be potluck."  :)  That said, one of the most delicious meals I've ever had.  Hated the cicumstances, but so loved spending time with my loved ones. 

The funeral service was absolutely beautiful.  Standing room only.....Flowers everywhere.....My brother's message......my sister-in-law's song......There is no doubt in my mind that my Papaw was smiling in heaven at such a loving tribute to him.  In the midst of our heartbreak, we were together as a family.....and all of his beloved friends.....in the place he loved most.  We were reminded that "Christians NEVER say goodbye....only see ya later...."

The New Stuff:
Well I got the new chemo.  In many ways, it was much easier on me than predicted.  I guess silly me expected to "feel nothing"....which didn't happen of course.  The good thing is....that I made it the whole weekend without the bottom falling out like it used to.  Monday and Tuesday, I was taught what "bone pain" was.  Ouch.  This meant no sleep.  At all.  Some digestive issues.....and still working out the side effects.  Mainly fatigue. 

I was unable to work ALL week.....sigh.  :(  Seems like one medicine helps one thing but causes another.  Then IT helps that but causes something else.  Gonna meet with the Doc tomorrow.  Gonna tweak some meds for sure.  I take so much stuff......driving me crazy!

The good news?  Only 3 more treatments.  In a month, I can have my "No Mo CheMO" celebration.  Can't get here soon enough I tell ya!

Friends:
I still have the best friends on THE planet.  And that's all I'm gonna say about that......Small visits, dinner and laughs here and there, texts, emails, phone calls, cards and even fresh fruit on my doorstep!  God has placed true angels here on earth....to carry me through this.  And it is.....

This weekend!
Had a pretty darn good weekend!  First of all....Look out! Sambo passed his driving test! 

He has only given me a heart attack a couple of times.  Gotta get that boy some practice!  :) 

 My Aunt Tootie and Chuck came to visit and watch my kiddos Friday night.  The ONLY time this year that they will be doing their "thang" on the same night at the same place.  Was SOOO proud of them!  Syd danced and Sam played!  Both made this momma so proud!  Gonna be a great....and BUSY.....season!  I SOOOO hope this chemo is good to me so that they can always have their biggest FAN in the stands!  :)  Here's a few pics from the night!

The weather turned out pretty ok.....my kids were "stars" in momma's book......Tootie & Chuck got to see them.....and kicked off a great Panther Season!  The night was a little hard on me from feeling so rotten all week.  But SOOOO worth it!

Saturday, Syd, her friend, Chloe, Sam, Tootie and I, headed to LR to do a little last minute school shopping.  Mainly, just a "Girls' Day" plus Sam!  :)  Lots of laughs and a wonderful day! 

Today, said goodbye to Tootie and Chuck, after rooking her into a great big ole breakfast.  Ran a couple of errands, and a dinner date with my David.  Back home to snuggle in to watch "Big Brother".....no judgement!  I'm a complete fan! 

Not a bad weekend for sure. 

In summary, I've noted all the highlights of the week.....rather, the high POINTS of my week.  Truth is, I've had some equally low times.  Yes, that ole Satan.....that ole Cancer.....even just my crappy ole attitude has gotten the best of me at times this week.  I've been forced to apologize for words I did not mean.  For not giving the proper effort in most every area of my life.  I have fallen short.  I have fallen on my knees before Jesus, and asked Him to carry me.  I have asked my friends to pray for me.  I've once again been reminded that this is a "marathon" not a "sprint."  I've never felt so "not myself".....and so just down-right ugly.

Outside of something happening to one of my children, I am living out my worst fear ever.  Breast Cancer.  People continue to tell me how "strong" I am.  How they admire me.  Truth is....I'm not strong alone.  I'm weak...physically, emotionally, financially.....I feel like a failure as a mother, daughter, sister, employee, and friend.  My body just won't allow me to be all I WANT to be.  And folks, that's tough. 

In a recent visit with a friend that I've not seen in a while....she asked me..."Is this just the most horrible thing you've ever been through?"  My answer?  By far.  It's horrible.  But at the same time, I've never felt more blessed.  God continues to show me Hope.  Renewal.  Faith.  Love.  and even Joy.

But as for me, I will always have hope;   Psalm 71:14

I see hope everywhere.  In the eyes and faces of my children, in David, in my medical team, in my family, and in my friends.  Sometimes....I even catch a glimpse of "hope" when I look in the mirror.

Don't forget!

Race for the Cure....Team Terri! Walk with me for my momma!  OR for your hero!

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

In HIM!

Terri



Making Coffee in Heaven.....

In loving memory,     J.W. "Pete"  Smart    February 29, 1924 -- August 9, 2012

To say I have a heavy heart tonight is an understatement.  One of the most beloved men in my life.....and to many....went to be with Jesus.  My "Papaw."

There have been very few men in my life who have never let me down. Ever.  In fact....I don't even need one hand to count them. He is one of them. He was the perfect grandfather in every sense of the word.

Growing up....I lived just two doors down from my Mamaw and Papaw until my Daddy's job forced us to move to Newport.  I lived there until the summer before 6th grade.  For a long time....6 years to be exact....I was an only child AND an only grandchild.  They spoiled me rotten!!  :) 

My dad wasn't much of a "hands on" dad to me growing up.  He worked alot.  Shift work mostly, so when we were awake he was either sleeping or working.  My Papaw played a big part of the "Daddy's Little Girl" to me when we lived on Baldwin Street.  Here are a few things I remember:

- Hopping on the riding lawn mower and riding with him.  Even on days when the lawn really didn't need mowing.  He just knew I liked to ride!  :)

- His woodshop.  He was a talented carpenter.  Has a shop completely full of tools.....two of them really.  My Mamaw joked that he built one to keep from cleaning out the other.  Now they are BOTH full.  I remember various litte things he built for us over the years....Christmas yard Decor, the little wooden trash cans, built-in shelves, desk and vanity area for my bedroom.  Many things over the years.  Wish I still had some things.  As he got older, his knees, his arthritis, etc. prevented him from doing much.  I know this broke his heart.

- Pecans.  He has HUGE pecan trees in his yard.  I remember SO many times, "pickin up pecans," and us kids would kinda fight over who got to use the nifty little "pecan picker-upper"!  :)  I also remember shelling those on the front porch.

- The front porch.  That is where you would find Papaw Pete perched most of the time.  Just sitting and watching the world.
- His garden.  Lordy, I honestly think he could "live off the land."  I remember shellin peas, picking tomatoes, and up until a year or so ago, I'd always get a bundle of fresh corn!  If I'm not mistaken, he still "supervised" the garden in his back yard that the neighbor planted.  :)

- Sunday afternoon drives.  West Helena is located on the banks of the Mississippi.  Every single Sunday....with.out.fail.  We took a drive - by way of Baskin Robbins  :)-- to "look at the river."  In fact, earlier this year, we made a visit....and this picture was taken in the car at a stop sign....from our last drive to see the river together....

- West Helena United Methodist Church.  This was the church that first laid my seeds of faith.  I wish I knew the exact number of years my grandparents were members.  But, what I do know, is that "Mr. Pete" was a fixture there.  At his post right beside the door.....he was always the first one you would see when you came in on Sunday morning.  Handing out bulletins and hugs.  I found him there on my last visit to his church back in May on my suprise visit for my mother's birthday.  Most of my life, he took care of the lawn.....and I remember riding on the mower up there too!  :)  The church was located only a couple of blocks from their home.  So we always "came and went" by the church so Papaw could keep an eye on things.  He opened the church every Sunday and got the coffee started.  I remember a time when they cut a visit short to us in Newport because I guess his "backup" man was out of pocket and Papaw was worried about WHO was gonna open the church, turn on the heat, and "make the coffee"!  :)  I still love this church.  I was baptized in that church.  My parents were married there.  Most of my cousins and other family members.  And my grandparents renewed their vows on their 50th wedding Anniversary there. 

- Sunday evening phone calls.  For many years, before the widespread use of cell phones, it was cheaper to call long distance on Sunday nights.  So papaw made all his calls each Sunday night.  I can still hill his familiar "Heeeeyyy!!" on the other end.....from deep in his belly.  You knew he was smiling just by the sound of his voice.  He continued that trend....mostly out of habit....and sat down and called all the kids and grandkids each Sunday night. With he on one phone, and mamaw on the other.  No reason....just a chat!  :)

-  His recliner.  You could climb up in it WITH him.  But it's HIS seat.  Everyone knows that.  :)

- At his house, each Christmas....the Razorbacks and not reindeer, pulled Santa in.  His wooden display every single year.....that he made.  Always made me smile.

- His rolls.  Mamaw Smart is known for her homemade yeast rolls.  Kinda like the saying for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders....."often imitated, never equaled."  They are single-handedly the best thing you ever put in your mouth.  My Papaw retired a little before my mamaw and HE began baking rolls.  Soon his were just as good!  :)

- Jay's.  My mamaw has a rule that from Saturday at noon....until Sunday night....her kitchen was closed.  Every Sat night they (and us too!) would drive to the little diner down the street to eat a burger.  Papaw never met a stranger.  And without fail, they usually had an unofficial reservation somewhere after church.  As resteraunts in Helena opened and closed, they changed throughout the years.  I remember Golden Corral, Ryan's, and most recently Kelly's.  Again, the staff knew them.  And loved them. 

- Leap Year baby!  My papaw's birthday was Feb 29th.  He only got a REAL birthday every 4 years.  He played on this throughout my life.  I'll never forget the day that I was "older" than my Papaw!  ha

I could go on and on, but my tears are overwhelming me with sadness as I miss him so much.  I wish "life" hadn't made me so busy that I didn't call more.  Visit more.....throughout the past few years. 
I remember very few times he ever scolded me or disciplined me for anything. I'm sure he did.....but the fact that I have no recollection of it tells me that he did it in such a loving and gentle way that it was very successful. I've never once doubted his love for me. Or for anyone in his family. He was present for every single major event in my life and many "minor" ones that are too numerous to list.

I never doubted his love for the Lord.  The man served his country both in WWII and Korea. I feel that he must have been bothered over the years from some of the things he either saw or endured.....because never in his "stories" were any from the war.  He has lost his parents, countless friends, siblings, and the inconceivable.  He outlived two of his three precious children and a great grandchild. His oldest son Robert was unexpectedly killed in a car accident when he was in his early 20's.  And of course, breast cancer took my mother at age 49.  Never once, have I ever seen his faith shaken.  He never turned away from God. 

He was married to the love of his life for 66 years.  Where you saw one....you saw the other.  My heart is simply broken for my grandmother who is left in this world without her best friend.  They were everything I wish I had.  They loved, laughed, bickered (hehe), but could definately finish each other's sentences.  Pete and Lucille will be remembered for many, many, many things.....individually, of course.   But mostly, as a team.

I am simply without words.  There is not another man like him.  Simply precious.  Throughout every mistake.  Throughout every victory.  Throughout every single step in my life.  They have been there for me and "loved me anyway."  I've seen tears in my Papaw's eyes few times in my life.  And one of our last conversations, he was sobbing uncontrollably in worry for me over my diagnosis, my decisions, my well-being in general.  This man loved me. I know this. 

Everyone called him "Papaw Pete" --  He was a loving, kind, and even somewhat grumpy at times man to anyone he met.  He was REAL!!  I hope he knows how much I loved him.  Wish I could have told him one more time.  He is now walking with our Father.  Surrounded by all of the loved ones that have made a place for him there.  He no longer needs his cane.  He no longer has pain or discomfort.  THAT....gives me peace.  A peace that he is making a way for all of us here in this earthly place....striving to see him again.

Please pray for my entire family.  Especially my Mamaw.  The world.....OUR world....will never again be the same.  I can just see him now....with that big ...deep in the belly...."Heeeeeyyyy!" ....greeting those in heaven.....and probably "making the coffee"  :)

I love you my sweet Papaw Pete. I will never forget our last visit.....your last words of advice for me.....your last hug.  Nor will I forget all the years you spoiled me, you loved me, you guided me, you prayed for me.  May you finally rest in peace......

In Him,
Terri

No mo Devil!

It's been a while since the white screen has been staring back at me with really nowhere to start.  I've not updated in a bit....just haven't really felt like it.  And quite honestly, putting things in writing makes it real....and gosh, do I REALLY need to keep complaining for the world to see?  Same song....15th verse.

Had my 4th and final treatment of the "AC" part of the "ACT."  Halfway there folks.  And totally finished with the appropriately named "Red Devil" that has successfully kicked my hiney the last 8 weeks.  I wanted a party!  Although, I'm still waiting to FEEL like partying.  On a scale, physically, this treatment has been no worse, but certainly no better than the 3 previous rounds.  Quite honestly, it just sucks.  Emotionally, this round has knocked me further down, than I thought capable.  So today, I will document my latest journey.  Because you know my God and His placement of angels here on earth quickly brought me out of it......and that's the good stuff!  Blessings in the midst of struggle.  THAT is worth writing about.

Friday 7/27, was Treatment Day.  That morning, got a text from my sweet friend, Sonya who had secured a condo on Lake Hamilton for the weekend, inviting us all to join her.  I immediately resonded with, "Girl, I so wish we could, but I'm having a treatment today."  She came back with, "So!....Do what you feel like doing....you can 'feel bad' at the condo just like you can 'feel bad' at home! Just crawl in bed when you need to and the kids can have a ball!"  Now THAT is a friend.  So that's exactly what we did!  Went and had my treatment....and then hurridly prepared my last minute trip to the lake!

My sweet friend, Karen, was my Chemo Buddy that day.  Before this struggle, Karen was of course, a friend....but I wouldn't say we were close and ones that talked daily.  A fellow "ball mom" throughout Panther Basketball and Panther Baseball, she has always been a joy and precious.  But since my diagnosis, Karen truly stepped up and selflessly has done so much for us.  From delicious meals, to cute PJ's on a sack on my door, to fresh cut flowers from her own yard.....not to mention her continuous prayers and sweet texts to check on me.....God has truly revealed to me a precious friend in Karen since this nightmare of mine began.  I so enjoy her company and was thrilled to have her with me!  In the midst of her own struggles, she still found time for me.  What a blessing! We enjoyed a quick lunch, girl talk and then off for Round 4!  The benedryl kicked in and I mostly napped during the treatment.  She sat quietly beside me and her presence was truly a comfort.

Raced home and threw clothes in a bag, made a quick grocery list.  Sydney Clare was on a church trip this weekend, but David, Sam and Madison all climbed in and off we went.  I usually have about 24 hours of "feel good" before the chemo takes over.  I was praying to the "chemo gods" to please spare me of the effects so that I could enjoy this weekend with my friends and family.  We arrived in Hot Springs, all went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings....Sonya had her sweet Taylor and boyfriend Dalton.  We shared lots of laughs and fun memories!  The next day, I acutally got some pool time in!  Thank goodness....for someone who is usually tan, I think I'm starting to scare folks!  Our old and dear friend, Jack, came up for the day and we so enjoyed the day.  The kids were incredible.  Sonya and I are both lucky to have such wonderful kids that still enjoy hanging out with "mom"!  :) 

I lasted until about 3 or 4, I guess.  I then climbed in bed and stayed there for the remainder of the weekend.  They went on around me, like I wanted them to.  The sweet kids coming in to check on me.  And of course, David taking care of anything I might need.  As a mom, even thought I couldn't physically participate in everything around me.....knowing that my loved ones were having fun made me rest even better than I had been at home.  So thankful that my Sonya had the foresight to realize that.  Blessed I am.

I got home....and just sank.  Physically, of course, but emotionally.  I started allowing myself to go to places that cancer patients really don't need to go.  I am so incredibly tired of feeling bad.  This is a horrible road.  I started googling.  Not a good idea.  I was giving myself my own death sentence.  The "woe is me" day turned into "days".  Triple Negative.  Chemo.  Bald. Ugly.  All of that has an effect.  But Triple Negative.....gives me a 20% chance of the cancer coming back.  That is a big ole number when you think in terms of life and death.  Ironically, I even let myself actually FEAR stopping chemo.  Right now, I know I'm fighting the cancer.  But what about when treatments stop?  I'm not a candidate for any kind of preventative therapy.  How do I reduce the 20%? 

Went from fearing it to actually saying the words to both my brother and my friend....asking to actually stop therapy.  I truly understand why patients elect to stop treatment even when its in their best interest not to.  Chemo is the most brutal attack on your body that you can imagine.  That is fact.  You can be strong and fight through alot of things in life.  I've worked through morning sickness during pregnancies.  Through the flu.  Through headaches. Even broken hearts.  I've "faked it" until I can make it on alot of things in my lifetime.  Chemo wins.  It is simply not possible to work through it.  Everyone tells me how "strong" I am.  Maybe.  Not really.  Chemo is stronger. 

My kids are living without a mom.  Others are getting them where they need to be.  My house was in shambles.  They are helping....but they are teenagers....so c'mon!  lol  My laundry was piled up...house dirty, and I found myself just sinking into this emotional mess!  Deb called in the troops.  Tuesday night, I had 4 friends....Deb, Kim, Becca, and Jackie and even Deb's daughter Ashlyn.  They and my kiddos had my house whipped back into shape and even took laundry home with them!  Against my repeated protests, they just lovingly told me to get in bed and shut up!  I was so moved at such a loving act.....and shaking my own head at how someone else was washing my underwear!  lol 
I couldn't believe my eyes as my home felt like "me" again, clean, fresh flowers, and candles burning!  How will I ever thank them????

Wed night, received salad and pizza from the Johnsons and Aunt Gayle......Was so happy to see them.  Guys, I have the greatest friends on the planet.

Thursday and Friday, I drug myself into the office for a few hours each day.  Financial worries are consuming me, without being to work.  But it seems that God always sends me what we need at just the right moment.  So I try not to let it get me down.  Hebrews 11:1 -- Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and evidence of things not seen.

Friday evening.....I was brought to tears, by the act of two special little boys.  Little Jessie and Gary.  Both are "little brothers" in our baseball family. They had a birthday party recently.....and in lieu of gifts, they chose to ask for donations for the kiddos and I.  I have had alot of thoughtful gestures.  But this coming from two very sweet little boys just tugged at my heart.  Again....blessings in the midst of the storm.

The weekend was a quiet one.  My Sam is at a crossroads and he spent alot of time hanging out with me.  I love that he talks to me about everything.  That he seeks my advice when he is hurting.  That he tells me he loves me.....and often.  That he is honest and faithful.  I remember how hard "being a kid" was sometimes.  He is such a good boy.  He sees the good in most every situation.  Entering high school is a big deal....and I'm so proud of the young man he has become.  I hate watching him hurt...but I love how he constantly thinks of others instead of his own pain.  I've often joked.....If I can't meet the perfect man.....by cracky I'll raise one!  :) 

Made it to Sunday School and church.....hugged friends....and enjoyed my family.  Sunday evening, I could feel the effects of my counts dropping....so back to bed I went. 

I met with Dr. Sneed today.  I was bound and determined to back him into a corner and ask him to tell me, "Terri, you are not going to die."  Of course, my friends and family tell me that all the time.  But nobody in a "white coat" will do that.  I pretended to be calm as a cucumber, while my sweet Sam sat in the room with me.  And asked about the whole 20% thing.  When you reach the "half-point" mark....you start to see the light at the end of your treatment tunnel.  I never got those words out of him of course.  But what he DID tell me was this.....That "20%" really was a good thing.  Means that 80% chance it won't come back.  I asked what would happen at the end of this.  He told me that he and I would be friends for a long long time.  We will stay very on top of this and he would not leave me until he retires.  He even shared his age....53.  And he isn't planning to retire until age 67.  And at that time....he would leave me in good hands.  In his own way, he was telling me he wouldn't let me die.  Above his head on the wall.....hangs a framed art that says "With God, I believe in miracles"....

My friend Kara, who I go to more than she knows when I need to be brought "back to reality"....reminded me that when the weatherman tells us 80% chance of rain....we bring our umbrellas and most all of the time we use them.  My God is my umbrella!  He covers and protect me even when I'm being a belligerernt, whiney, grumpy, cancer patient.  My sweet Deb reminded me through her tears and mine.....that the devil will use my low times to test my faith.  And that I HAVE to fight back.  No more devil!  :)   No more "googling".  Just faith.  So I'll tell ya....THAT is how I plan to lower that 20%.  Prayer.  Faith.  My God is bigger than ANY problem we face.  Even cancer.

Dr. Sneed discussed my new chemo drug...Taxol, which I will start this coming Friday.  He predicts that it won't be as "messy" as the others I've withstood.  I'm a bit anxious.....more unknowns.  But with school fast approaching.....and TWO football seasons....both Jr., JV, and Sr. high that I must be present for.....I need those "chemo gods" to be nice to me!  :)  Stay tuned.......:)

I've had a lot of ups and downs since my last post.  A couple of really LOW downs.  But even in the midst of struggle....I have been reminded of my blessings.  2 awesome God-loving children.  Wonderful family.  Incredible Friends.  My support system is perfect.  I simply couldn't ask for more.  Within this struggle....there are blessings.  New friends.  God has brought such special people into my life.  My doctors, nurses, caregivers, friends.....I'm so very lucky.  My prognosis.  I am going out on a limb to say I am cancer free.  My faith tells me so.  Is the road still rocky?  Yep. Am I finished yet?  Nope.  But faith is going to see me through.

Please don't forget to join my team!!!
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

Lord....I continue to praise you in this storm......

In Him,
Terri