First the good stuff....
Friday night....watched my Sam play a very wet and sloshy football game. I'm such a PROUD Panther mom! It was miserable weather. Yuk. But didn't mind being there among the other moms and cheerin for our boys. Leigh and I cooked up several to go to Chili's.....a table of Syd's friends....and a table of Sam's friends. And wonderful visits with parents. (Thank you Scott & Karla for the gift card....we made great memories while using it! :)) A good good night! :)
All the suprises!!! :) Big and small.....each has come in its own time and meant the world to me. Sweet cards, hats, meal cards, movie passes.....Such generosity! My sweet friend Holley, sent me a sweet text Friday afternoon and gave us the sweetest gift. 2 razorback tickets for Saturday's game on the hill. My Sambo was so pumped! Got pics throughout the day from his "view." Yes, the game was a bloodbath. But my boy had a wonderful time. He and David hooked up with some friends and made the trip.....and chances are they probably watched this year's National Championship team.
Razorback tickets just aren't in my budget this year. And Sam knows this. It was a precious gift and I was so thrilled! How will I ever thank her adequately?????
Since the boys were gone for the day, Syd and I had a little girls' day. I woke up feeling crummy. Just that time again, when the counts were dropping, etc. Headed to the pharmacy and we ran a few errands. One of which was breakfast at Ihop....Yummy! While there, our dear friends, Brenda and Blake came in.....from our Cubs family. Oh how I've missed them! Got the chance for a quick hug and a visit. We finished up and asked for the check....only to be told it had already been paid. I'm gonna get her! Thank you sweet Brenda. I love you!
Went home and napped in between Alabama touchdowns. Still feeling yuk....but the rainy lazy day allowed me to rest. Chloe was visiting Syd and they were heading to Syd's first babysitting job Sat. evening. I fed them and dropped them off and met my gang for my dear friend, Shane's birthday dinner. Lots of laughs as always with old and new friends. These people are so special to me!!
Happy Birthday to my Shane!
Don't they make me look good? :) Pretty accessories for the night!
Shane has been such an inspirational source of strength throughout this journey. I don't know what I'd do without her. In fact....I will have to blog an entire entry in her honor really soon......and share here all of the encouraging words I've gotten from her at the most God-given, perfect times. She is my Sister in Christ. We share a special bond...she and I. God bless Shane! :)
Today, we headed out early to UALR for Sam's baseball game. Again, precious time shared with my baseball family. Of course, Sam made me proud on the field. As usual. About 15 of us shared lunch together at Shorty Small's.....and we enjoyed the laughs and began planning our next vacation together! :) Surely by next summer, I'll be back on my feet enough to join in the fun. Of the 15, 10 were of the Johnson family.....et.al. Just love love love them. Envy of such family love and support. They have always welcomed us with such love and support. Just makes me smile. And none of them would "own up" to buying our lunch. Lordy.....:)
After lunch, ran home for a quick catnap....got the kiddos to Pure Energy (youth choir) at Church, ran to clean the Dentist's office that I do each week, and got groceries for the week. Everyone is sleeping, and momma is plum tuckered out!!!
My heart is heavy and my mind is confused. I had a small melt-down this evening. Ok, maybe not so small. Again, since we have been "on the go" every moment and I've not felt well.....the house is a wreck and the laundry is piled up. I tend to forget that my kids are just that.....kids. Sometimes, I have to "nudge" them a little to pick up the slack. Ok....rephrase....sometimes, I have to down right put the "BEAT DOWN" on them and make threats of "phone removal" etc, to get a fire lit under them. I'm so ready to be their mom again. To cook for them....do their laundry.....to be there for them and not just "exist"......to not rely on others to take them here and there.
Of all the things in my life, that is the ONE thing that I've always been good at......being a good mom. Of all the mistakes, failed relationships, and failures in "life".....that is my proudest thing. I am good to my kids. I know they know without a doubt I am always there for them and that I love them with all that I am. The thing that has broken my spirit the most is where this "FBC" (haven't said that in a while! hehe) has impacted my ability to be a good mom. Talk about angry. If anyone has followed this blog from the beginning....they know that. My kids have been forced to grow up a little the past few months. To not only fend for themselves, but to take care of me. Our lives revolve around cancer....chemo.....doc appointments. We have conversations like...."Is that your bad weekend?" "Will you feel like it by Wednesday?" Ugggggg.....
I have to dodge volunteering for concession stand duty.....and beg on facebook for friends to buy cookie dough because I've simply not been able to do my job. Buying groceries tonight was a feat. When I picked up the kiddos from church.....they were excited to see hot pockets!! How sad is that? When moms talk about getting dirt stains out of ball pants.....I cower in my seat because I know that Sam washed his OWN ball pants for the game today. No care for the stains.
Ok ok....I'm done whining about that. It all built up in me tonight and I was ugly to them. Ugly to David. I mean....he didn't sign up for all of this. I've not been easy to love. Sometimes I almost force him to leave to give him the "out".....knowing he is too good a guy to ever leave me like this. I can be mean and ugly and I've had to swallow alot of my own words and dish out some apologies tonight. Sometimes its just all too much. And I have diarrhea of the mouth. I know they love me. All of them. David, Sam & Syd. They understand. They ingnore it. And soon, they will have their mom back and to them, this will be a distant memory. Our faith tells us that. But I'm not very proud of myself today.
I'm sorry to you, David. You have been precious and have done all in your power to come to my every need. To comfort me. To support me. To pick up the slack. I know this. And am grateful for this. I'm sorry to my kiddos, that part of their life has been touched and altered again by this cancer. Syd actually offered to me her babysitting money to help with expenses. What a kid.......They have been so wonderful....and today....for a few moments, I forgot that. For that, I'm sorry.
We couldn't attend church and SS this morning, due to baseball. That always gets me on the wrong foot. And while I'm so ready to get that last treatment under my belt. I have lots of fear along with it. I meet with Dr. Sneed tomorrow. He better settle in for a lengthy visit! I've got lots of questions. Chemo is over. Now what? I have a list of questions. Then, I guess the mental/emotional battle begins. Re-establishing a life. Being a mom again. Getting back to work....really focusing on my job. Learning to not live in fear and panic and anxiety of cancer's return.
I am afraid of stopping the fight....almost as I was when I went in for treatment #1. I will miss those who cared for me in the medical realm. I am undecided as to whether to continue this blog.....and if I don't, I will miss this. I will miss being lifted up in prayer as often when the "old Terri" returns and people begin to forget. There is just a more emotional side to #8 than just "Yay, its over". Because for me.....will it ever really be over???? I do have a feeling that life after chemo will be a much better place to be. My Jesus tells me so!
I can only pray and ask for God to guide me through my emotional health in the coming weeks....as I have my physical health. I'm resigned to turning it over to Him. While I'm nearing the end of this phase of "healing".....I'm still walking my faith journey. I look down at my arm......to see that familiar verse from Philippians 4:13 that I began with. "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength." I'm reminding myself that He will be there for me even when the cancer is gone. When the chemo is over. And my hair is back. And I'm feeling strong again. I realize now, that ANY strength I feel comes from Christ Jesus. My scars remind me that, in HIM, I survived......
While I was cleaning in the office alone tonight, I had KLove on my phone. This song came on to remind me of that strength......
I am not who I used to be. I am redeemed.
Don't forget! Time is closing in......Team Terri! We're gonna have a good time girls! :))
In Him,
Terri
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