Spider Woman

This is supposed to be my happy, cancer-free blog, but today, it's not. This is me trying not to panic anyone, because I don't want that. But I have a lump. It's hard, unmoving and about the size of ... well, in my mind, a bowling ball, but that's probably incorrect. You see, it's 4am and I've not been to sleep yet. I got about two hours of sleep last night and less the night before. There sits whole bottle of Benedryl on my bedside table. Enough for me to sleep through a hurricane. Duh, I should. But I hate taking medicine; I always feel sluggish the next day.

Anyway... the lump. I've been feeling a tightening under my skin in my chest area the last few weeks and I figured it was just scar tissue. Everything feels numb....but then not really numb. It's weird. But kinda painful. After researching mastectomy scar tissue online...(Yes, I know...Dr. Google, the expert) I worry that it may not be scar tissue. It's been 2 years since my mastectomy...there shouldn't be any new scar tissue forming. Ok, so what is it? I don't know. Then, I lay here for hours poking and prodding my chest, underarms, etc., and I wonder if its just my mind playing tricks on me. I've not breathed a word to anyone. That makes it real. Or makes me "real crazy."

Let me see if i can describe what is going on in my head... Try to imagine walking through the jungle and believing there are spiders everywhere. Now even if you're not scared of spiders, you've been told there's a chance one is going to jump out and bite you. You've been bitten before and you know how painful it is. How that tiny little bite changes everything about you and your life. You know that if you get bitten again what happens to your life - you create a domino effect - it's almost as if that spider's poison is passed on from one person to the next. Oh, and not just any people either! Heavens, no. Your spider bite affects the lives of all the people you love. You need to keep walking, but you are jumpy and fretting the whole time. Right now I'm frozen in one place, because I'm too scared to keep going.

I'm quite certain that I'll see Dr. Sneed tomorrow morning..... He will poke around on me, tap on his computer, give me a hug, and pat me on the arm and send me home with a "trust me, it's nothing". And I'll be fine for another 3 months and 3 weeks until I have the spider dreams again.

See? There is no such thing as "cancer free." It lasts forever.

Please be in prayer for any and all touched by these "spiders".....for that is pretty much everyone.
I. hate. cancer. Lord, please, I beg you....send us a cure.

In Him,
Terri