Another 4 Months

I live in 4 month increments.  And this week marks the time when I can either buy a few more....or my life changes forever....again.  My Oncology checkup is this week.

I try hard not to talk about "the cancer."  Because as much as those around me are sick of hearing it....I'm certainly sick of living it.  One week every four months....I'm declaring that I get to not just be scared.  But I get to be scared...and say I'm scared.  I know whoever is reading this may not understand.  And God bless the ones who do, because you have most likely lived it.  For that, I pray for you.

I'm still struggling with survivor-ship.  It's the most lonely place in the world.  I get the occasional punch in the arm along with "you're just fine....you beat this!"   I get the pep talks of how I'm "Cancer-free" from all those who love me and walked the battle with me.  I see the occasional eye-rolls if I dare to bring up my fears...and then the quick "subject change"....I see it all.  And I live with it.  Because, I know they mean well.  They don't understand.  They don't get it.  And that's ok.  Nobody has the right words...because there really are none.

I've received a couple of unexpected phone calls from a close friend lately.  I've been placed heavy on her heart and it's forced me to look at other areas of my health and ask questions.  To be proactive.  To be educated.  And to not stop.  This friend understands my fears.  And lets me cry.  Cries with me.  And lets me worry.  And prays with me and for me.

In true form, I have began my ritual of googling, and trolling the message boards which never do anything to calm me.  Instead, I can have death sentence in about 2.5 seconds.  Still....I worry.

This one stuck out for me:
Question: Since triple-negative breast cancer returns often, and to other vital organs such as the liver and lungs, how often and what testing should be done?

Expert: There is no data that routine testing impacts outcome. In other words, it is not helpful to obtain routine scans looking for recurrence. Scans should be done as needed based on symptoms, findings on blood tests or physical examination. Clearly, symptoms should not be ignored. However, finding metastases “early,” by scan alone, does not change survival from or treatment for this disease. Recurrence in other sites in the body is treatable but not curable regardless of when the disease is discovered.

Wait...what???
It does no good to test??  There is no cure for metastatic cancer?  Well, that just sucks.  And puts a whole new spin on things friends. I feel like if I knew my exact chances of the cancer coming back, I could deal with it. But when I ask my doctor, he gives me a range of statistics over a number of years. I can’t live like this. I need more specifics.   I'm a planner.  I'm a control-freak.  And This....is out of my control.

Yesterday I was feeling a little overwhelmed. There was so much noise, not from my kiddos, but the static of life in all it's glory, that I could not focus my attention on what mattered, or even figured out what it was that did matter.

I thought the problem was that I couldn't hear myself think.  That it was just "that time again" and I'm not in control of what this appointment may or may not bring.  I even let myself go there....even voice out loud...."If I get bad news, I will not even think of telling my kids until after Christmas."  Crazy, I know.  Well...not really.  Not in the mind of a survivor.

I was ready to clear my plate of obligations. Instead of discernment, I was experiencing a little bit of "fight or flight" response. Fortunately, after some time, deep breathing, snuggles with the kiddos and prayer, I was able to refocus. The static was drowned out by the still, small voice as I listened to Him.  I didn't need to hear myself. I was getting in my own way.

I like to repeat that quote, "Life is what happens when we're making other plans." There is another saying, "Man plans, God laughs." Sometimes my plans don't work out the way I expect or plan. Sometimes, I do think God has a tremendous sense of humor....and timing. Sometimes I do not understand God's plan, but often, if I give it enough time, I can see a purpose and His blessing, even in the "unanswered prayers" of my own spoiled plans.

I do not need to clear my plate to hear, I need to clear my soul and tame my prideful heart. I need to focus not on myself, but on God.  I am slowly seeing His purpose for me.  And I know He is not finished with me quite yet.  (Philippians 1:6 tells me so.)

Last night, as I read Paul's letter to the Philippians, I came across this verse, "...Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13,14)

I will press on, focus on the future, not on myself and the noise I create in my own head, but listening for the still small voice that will direct me. I guess God can be the ultimate white noise, drowning out the nonsense and bringing peace.

I will always look at Christmas differently.  Cancer forced me to slow down.  To love and to love DEEPLY.  In many ways, Cancer has sort of "directed" my entire adult life.  First, when it attacked my mother....and then living through it myself.  Test results....either way, will not change my purpose under God's direction.  I know this.  For all that it has taken from me....God has made sure that it replaced with blessings beyond belief.

With each passing day, each passing checkup, and each passing Christmas....I'm finding my peace.  I know one day....I'll have it.....and it will be when my focus is truly and COMPLETELY on Him.

Find a survivor to love, friends.  For they are everywhere....and they need you.

In Him,
Terri