Monday, August 5, 2013

Shame on Me.....

I have lots of friends.  Most of which have been friends of mine for a long, long time. Some as far back as childhood.  Some since I moved here, most are parents of my kiddos' friends, others are through church, and some we just make it a point to nurture our relationships because of love.  In all honesty, my close circle consists of friendships where we have been through a lot together. Divorce, illness, you name it. 

I am so very blessed.  Are they perfect?  Nah.  But neither am I.  When I have a bad day?  They love me through it or tell me to snap out of it.  Basically, any conflicts we face?  We face together.  As a general rule, we don't have conflict with each other or because of each other.  Several, I would trust with my life.  And basically have. 

God has given me a loving village of good Christian people to have surround me in times when I needed it most.  And I, in turn, try so hard to be there for them.  Even in the midst of my own struggles.  I have friends who are like family.  And some family who are my best friends.

I recently had a falling out with someone.  I typically don't "fight with friends."  Ever.  If I'm upset?  I may vent.  Or pout.  Or pull away. Or slap them upside the head and ask what the dang deal is?  But in all honesty, it happens so rarely that I honestly don't know HOW to handle conflict so to say I am proud of myself is a big ole stretch.  Because I'm not.  I'm sad.

To say I'm usually a "peacemaker" isn't really a true statement, because I usually try to stay out of others' conflicts.....but for lack of better words...I always want everyone to just "play nice on the playground."  I avoid conflict.  I give my opinion when asked.  And I'm blunt and to the point. Admittedly to a fault.  But I typically like to practice tact and deliver words lovingly, or just keep my mouth shut.

This time.  I failed.  This conflict quickly drifted from the issue at hand.  And went south as fast as concrete sinking in the lake.  While, sadly, I really did mean the things I said, my delivery went from a place of "love" to a place of "anger". And of course, I didn't say things in the correct way so I'm not sure they were taken they way I meant them. My intent didn't start out that way.  But after feeling attacked, I unloaded.  I rarely get pushed to the point of anger that the feelings of others become irrelevant.  But this time? I did. 

Don't think I'm being too hard on myself.  I'm certainly not taking all the blame.  Because the whole thing was completely ridiculous.  I still feel I had every right to be angry.  And if I were to take a poll (which I would never ever do).....I could find 50 people in 2.3 seconds that would agree that I had every right to feel the way I did.  The thing is?  That is not what the bible teaches us about conflict.  After a bit, my anger placed me in a frame of mind where I didn't lash out from a place of reconciliation.  It was a place to hurt.  And that is simply not me. I never have conflict with friends.  Or with ANYONE really.  So I guess, I really didn't know HOW to act.  This was completely new territory for me.

In church this morning, Pastor Rick ended his sermon series from 1 Corinthians (the love chapter)....on words.  And how to resolve conflict from a place of love.  Yep, that was me crawling under the pews feeling about an inch tall. 

There is a lot of history to this situation, that I choose to not write about.  But I think there are some people in this world that it is simply not healthy to be around.  When so many people (from different walks of life) feel the same way, and know nothing of your history with them.....there has got to be some truth in there somewhere.  But as a Christian woman, I shouldn't turn my back.  Nor, should I allow the past behavior to continue.

THIS?  is where I don't know how to move forward.  I've spent the afternoon in prayer.  Digging into the word.  Talking in confidence with my brother, who is the only person I've shared anything with.  And I felt led to write my thoughts tonight.  And share the verses that have not only convicted me....but brought me peace in this conflict. 

Luke 17:1
“Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come…” (KJV)

Ephesians 4:26
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” (NIV)

Proverbs 15:1
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (NIV)


Ephesians 4:32
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (ESV)

Proverbs 20:3 (NIV)
“It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.”

Proverbs 13:10
“Pride only breeds quarrels,
but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” (NIV)

James 4:1-2
Submit Yourselves to God
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.” (NIV)

James 4:6
“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (ESV)

The bible is very clear.  Conflict is a part of love.  As Pastor Rick said today, if you don't have relationships with conflict, most likely they aren't very good relationships.  How true?  You have to first care, before you can reach anger. 

Anger is healthy.  But how we deal with our anger, is where following God's image is tricky.  I fell short.  For that? I'm sorry.  I was honest in my words.  But I wasn't loving in them.  The timing wasn't appropriate....but I fell completely into the trap that she started.  While I didn't go as far "below the belt" as I could have?  My words were hurtful.  And I feel badly.

- Be careful to think before you speak or act, don’t speak out or lash out in anger/bitterness…

Proverbs 16:18
“Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall.” (NIV)

Philippians 2:3-4“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (NKJV)

Galatians 6:7-8“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (NIV)

Proverbs 26:17
“Interfering in someone else’s argument is as foolish as yanking a dog’s ears.” (NLT)
 
Proverbs 29:25
“The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.” (The Message)

After two days of the "tit for tat" via text (another bad idea), I awoke today still angry, but ashamed that I allowed another person to make me so angry, that I totally forgot how to turn the other cheek.  That I was slow to listen and quick to speak.  And not the opposite.  I extended a true, sincere apology for my behavior.  And it was accepted.  To which I am grateful.  I felt good that my own heart led me to forgive before I ever sent the text to her.  Before I heard Pastor Rick's thoughts.  Before I dug into the Word.  My journey of faith is still strong and even though I didn't expect a gracious reply....I received one, with an apology as well. 

Be quick to forgive, remember this:
Titus 3:3-5
“Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient. We were misled and became slaves to many lusts and pleasures. Our lives were full of evil and envy, and we hated each other.
But – “When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit.” (NLT)

Matthew 6:9-15
“After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”(KJV)
~~~

Ephesians 4:26
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (ESV)

And please, please, remember – We all need each other:)! Final Thoughts & Prayers…

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (NKJV)

Romans 12:5
“So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.” (KJV)

Romans 15:5
“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus.” (NIV) —Amen! God bless!

I really don't know where to go from here.  Momma used to say that prayer and time heals all wounds.  In the heat of the moment, I was ticked.  I couldn't believe that someone thought this way about me.  That at 42 years of age, I was having such a disagreement with someone else.   And that I allowed someone to actually "get to me".  And that she totally misunderstood why I was angry.  I'm pretty good at letting things roll off my back.  I usually do a pretty decent job of walking the high road.  But I'm ashamed I let my anger get the best of me.  For that, I'm ashamed. 

I know that I hurt her.  I'm not sure if she knows that she hurt me too.  I learned many lessons throughout it all.  Not really about her.  But about myself.  Not everyone is meant to be in your life.  Not everyone will love you unconditionally.  And maybe I don't do a good enough job nurturing those relationships that I care about the most.  To send my love for no reason at all.  I will do better.

Pray for me in my endeavors to do better.  And pray for her too.  That she learned something as well.  And that God restore the pieces of her heart that I may have broken.  That she know I have forgiven her....even for the things I taunted her with this weekend.  I hope she has forgiven me too.

In Him,
Terri

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