"Fat and Happy"

Do ya ever have one of those days when God's word just pops you RIGHT in the mouth like your momma would if you sassed her????   Yep.....That is me.

I've been struggling with some self-image issues ......really for a while....but lately, its an obsession!

First a little (ok a lot of) background....
In high school....I weighed 90 pounds soak and wet.  I remember my mom and aunts (who were a little heavier set)  laughing and telling me that I would "spread" someday.  In fact, my mom would never allow the "one to grow on" during birthday spankings because she would always say, "Ya might grow WIDER and not taller!"  haha   Bible.  She said that every time.  And I would always giggle and think to myself...."Not me.  I eat whatever I want and never gain weight."   And worse.  I believed that!

I finally broke 100 lbs in college and my wedding dress (20 years ago TODAY.....in fact) was a size 4 that hung off of me and had to be altered down.  Those in my life to today would probably never believe that!  haha.....but true story.

THEN....I had babies.  BIG, beautiful babies.  I weighed 180 lbs (remember I'm only 5'3") when I gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby boy that was only 7 lbs. 9.5 oz. of that!   lol  Less than two years later.....I was back up there again to give birth to my sweet Sydney who weighed exactly the same amount.  You get my point here.......I was fat.  You couldn't tell if I was rolling or walking!  :)
Attended my 10 year reunion a couple of months later, and was thankful for the excuse....."I just had a baby"......:)

Not long after that.....I began going to Weight Watcher Meetings and over the course of 6-8 months lost 57 lbs.  Great Success.  Not an ounce of exercise.  I just counted those points.  Did I do it the right way?  Not a chance.....I mean, yes, I did it slowly.  Never one time did I go to weigh in over that 6-8 months did I gain.  Almost unheard of.  I plateaued and stayed the same many weeks.....but never gained.  I remember getting my 10lb ribbon....my 25 lb ribbon.....and even the biggie....the 50 lb. ribbon.  All hung proudly on my fridge.  When I looked in the mirror....I kinda liked what I saw.
But in reality....I wasn't doing it healthy.  If I wanted to spend all my "points" on a large Sonic tater tot with cheese and a Coke.  I did.  That would be all I'd eat for the day.  I remember eating  Reece's peanut butter cups and a real Coke every morning for breakfast......counted the points.  5 to be exact. 
Not exactly the breakfast of champions. 

The leader of WW even approached me about possibly leading a class, after obtaining my "lifetime membership."  I looked her in the eye and told her that I didn't need to lead her class.  You see, like in high school, when I thought I'd never gain a lb.  I guess still thought I was "above" weight loss the right way. She didn't need me telling these people that you can do it without being healthy.

I then went through some personal tragedies....divorce, death of my mom, relationship changes due to some poor choices, a move, a "clearly much too early" RE-marraige.....an early "mid-life crises" of sorts.....and THAT diet took me down to 114 lbs.  I was miserable inside.....but almost had my body back! 

I kept it off....or within 8-10 lbs for the next few years, without trying.  May have been the chasing of kiddos to and fro, or living a miserable life.....whatever the case, I kept it off.  Until I hit 35.  BAM!  Gained 20 lbs almost overnight.  Attempted  WW again.  Was able to go to meetings and get off enough to meet a goal that my friend and I had of actually buying a pair of designer jeans.  My first pair of "Sevens".   :) 

Then I hit 40.....and its gone downhill from there!  I guess I must admit that most of the years I've spent worrying about my weight.....that I truly wasn't "obese" or even "fat" by society's standards.  Of MOST (not all) of my friends, I've generally been one of the smallest.....But no matter.  My pre-baby body is gone forever.  I could usually look good in a cute outfit.  But not in a swimsuit....let alone naked!  haha  Yes, I've carried a few too many lbs....but can usually dress up and feel "ok".

Of course, its no secret to the readers of my blog what has happened to me about this time last year.  Taking it back to about 10 months before my diagnosis......I decided it was time to diet and exercise.  Signed up for boot camp.  Like.an.idoit.  No, I don't think boot camps are a bad idea.  But to go from 20+ years on the COUCH to bootcamp is pretty dumb.  I made it a little over half way through, while walking 3-5 miles everyday....even working into jogging (little to start and then jogging about half of it).  Did this for about 6-8 weeks.  For 4.  F-O-U-R measly pounds.  Again....you read that right.  4 lbs.  I hurt so bad and felt like I had polio for the better part of a month....and 4 pounds?????

I get it...."muscle weighs more than fat"....."I felt better"......"I most likely lost inches".....blah, blah blah.  Kiss my hiney.  Forget the exercise.  I remember losing close to 60 lbs.  From the couch.  haha

So I decided to go to a weight loss doctor.  He prescribed me Phentermine.....(Adipex).....and I lost 41 lbs.  No, it wasn't a miracle pill.  It was work.  1000 calories a day.  Period.  No cheating.  Zero Caffiene.  Zero sodas, even diet coke.  And at LEAST 100 oz of water per day.  Count your calories folks.....1000 isn't much.  The results?  I loved it.  My friends noticed.  I could wear my daughter's jeans.  Had friends and family asking me all the time how I did it.  Saw 125 again....and it felt great.

I DO think God had a hand in this.  Why?  The first place I lost weight was in my breasts.....which exposed my lump....etc. etc.  Took a family vacation last spring break (a couple of weeks before my diagnosis) and I felt so good in my clothes, and in my pictures.  Little did I know.....

Double Masectomy.  Not that I was THAT attached to my breasts.  But I can tell you.....no shirt looks good with out them.  Whammy #1.  To this day....I hate my body.  I want them back.  And since I can't afford my insurance.....I'm pretty certain no reconstruction anytime soon.

Chemo....aside from the hair loss, which goes without saying.  I didn't rock the sick, gray, look very well.

Steriods.....blew me up like the goodyear blimp.  They say they might stay in your system from 6 mos to a year.  Been 7 months.  Leave already!!!!!

Tanning.  While I have taken advantage of some spray tans, I will never step foot in a tanning bed again. Not criticizing those who do...heck I owned one for 15 years.  Just a big ole gut feeling.  So that said.....the appearance of my spring wardrobe is taking another hit. 

Hair.  Oh Lordy my hair.  I look like Billy Idol.  I've colored it 5.....yes 5 times since it has started to grow back.  Yes....Its maybe an inch long now.  Maybe.  Yes, I'm obsessed with it.  I have a "cocktail" of 7.....yes SEVEN products that I use to tame this mess on a daily basis.  Don't judge me.  Each product is a key element and is needed.  The up side?  its thick and coming back almost like it was.  I've just got to be patient.  I'm patient with VERY little in my life.

I am now 148 lbs.  No fat jokes.....I'm fragile!  haha  Yes, 148.  And that is after losing 11 lbs this last month....BACK on the Phentermine.  (Note that both my oncologist and my gyno REFUSE to prescribe it because I'm not a candidate who NEEDS it.  "Be patient" they say.  "You look great without it" they say.  Ugggg)  Why is it that most chemo patients are frail, and skinny.  Not Terri.  I am back to being fat.  Gained almost every pound back.   I have figured out the problem......More on that in a minute.

Last night, I was chatting with David after I growled at the scales.  And he said what he says multiple times daily....."You are beautiful."  He has said those words to me clear back to the day we met.  And I give him the same reaction....."you're blind"....or "No I'm not...." or just my signature snarl with an eye-roll.  He grabbed my chin and I made me look directly at him as he said to me, "Believe me.  You're beautiful."  Then he grabbed his belly and shook his little gut and said, "I'm fat.....and happy!"  He is right.  No.....I don't think he is fat.  But in our contentment and "happiness"....we've packed on a few.  :)

Got me to thinking about that.  Since my illness.  I have SO much to be "happy" about.  The obvious....I beat it.  My kiddos.....who are God-loving, spirit-filled, hard-working, teens that give me very little problems.  David....this man never left my side.  My brother....and his family, who I love and love ME, my job!  I look forward to work daily.  My friends.....too many to count!  I have a close circle that lift me daily.....and a huge village near and far that have surrounded us with such love and support.  My church and SS class.....<3   They just make my heart smile.  Most of all, my salvation.  I am a Child of God, saved by His grace!!!  Is there anything more beautiful than a smile that exudes THAT kind of happiness and INNER beauty???????  (Nope!  not really)  My momma used to say..."Pretty is and pretty does....."  Amen Momma!

I have been stressing about such trivial things......how will I look in a swimsuit???  Even complained for a week how UGLY Mastectomy suits were.  Then I broke it down.  Who Cares?????  When I will have a suit on....not a soul around me will care.  I'll be on a beach with my family.  Or at a friend's pool who invited me for ME....not what I look like.  Why stress it?  Seriously....why stress it?

I've got a friend getting married soon.  She has been worrying and fretting for months.....and has lost about 30 lbs.  She looks beautiful.  In her eyes?  She needs to lose 30 more.  What she forgets is....like me......everyone there on that day sees her as a beautiful bride.  Sees her happiness.  30 lbs heavier or lighter.....wouldn't make a difference.  Her bridesmaids, in which I have to honor to be one, and I have worried and fretted over this dress or that dress....and how we will look.  We are forgetting what an honor it is to be chosen to stand beside her on HER day.  She, nor anyone else, will care what WE look like.  (Besides the fact that she chose beautiful ladies to begin with....inside and out....to stand with me up there....)

Another friend, who is tiny.  Works out multiple times a day some days....at least 5-6 days a week.  Barely eats.  She is beautiful.  Far from what she sees in the mirror.  I would love to have her figure.  I DID have her figure, a short year ago.  In fact, she may disagree.....but I think my encouragement got her started back then.  She has no idea how beautiful she is.  The thing is....she was JUST as beautiful all those pounds ago.  She is precious inside.  Today she shared with me HER issues with the scales barely moving and her working so hard.  "Bathing suit" season....etc.etc.  And she is just as beautiful outside as inside.

My own daughter.....who is taller than me, wears a size 10 shoe, and can't fit into a size 2 or even a 4, thinks she is "fat".  That makes my blood boil.  Heaven help the soul whoever lets me hear them tell her that!  She is beautiful. 

Many others who battle the scales.  Battle in the gym and in the kitchen.  The greatest battle is in the mirror.  Just plain made me sad. I've never lost a friend by how I look.  I've never lost love from family because I was "living large".  And my Jesus has certainly not left my side.  In His eyes....I am pretty beautiful.  I opened His word.....and found over 50 verses telling me so:  Here are a few....

Matthew 23:27- Inner Beauty is what God seeks:
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness.

1 Peter 3:3-5- A gentle and quiet spirit
And let not your adornment be merely external-- braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands.

1 Samuel 16:7- God looks at your Heart
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Proverbs 31:30- Fear of the Lord
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
 
Ezekiel 28:17- Corrupted Wisdom
"Your heart was lifted up because of your beauty; You corrupted your wisdom by reason of your splendor. I cast you to the ground; I put you before kings, That they may see you.

Song of Songs 4:7- Beauty of a Spouse in Marriage
"You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you.

Philippians 4:8- Dwell in whatever is worth of praise
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

Genesis 1:31- God saw Beauty in what he created
And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Ecclesiastes 3:11- A heart set on eternity
He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.

Proverbs 20:29 (KJV)- Beauty and wisdom of those old in age.
The glory of young men is their strength : and the beauty of old men is the gray head


Then finally....this morning.  While sitting at Sonic for a Happy Hour Rt. 44 water.....(munching on donut holes, feeling TERRIBLY guilty....sigh!) I read the following post from a sweet friend on FB:

"Rhonda Benson Ellis  4 hours ago near Conway, AR ·

Yesterday, my friend Libby and I were talking about how we, even Christian, women have bought Satan's lie that we must be OUTWARDLY beautiful to be of any value or attraction to our husbands, families, or society, no matter how much we serve and minister. As I pondered this, I became especially concerned about being beautiful only to the love of my life. Then I get a text this morning from Libby's husband. You see, he had overheard our conversation, and needed to remind us what REAL beauty is! It read, "favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised! ". There ya go, can't argue with the word of God! It seems that, though I struggle with my weight, and Libby is struggling with loosing her hair to chemo treatments, that these Godly husbands love us for what's inside, not outside! (Sorry ladies, these two awesome husbands are taken! ;) ). So that leads me to my conversation with God this morning. I was talking to God about my health. I'm ready to buckle down, get back in the gym everyday, and take off these extra pounds I've put on since my hip replacement. and then, God with his sense of humor and perfect timing, led me to this blog post, which is amazing! Read it: www.fancylittlethings.com/2013/03/measuringu/.
So my bottom line is this: ladies, be the best, healthiest woman God has created you to be, not who you think you have to be compared to everyone else. And men, tell and show your wives how much you love them because they are who God created and gave to you! That's a liberating and powerful truth right from God's word!"

 

Sounds like others are also digging into the Word to get through these struggles.  We don't need an app to track calories, or a pill, or the gym, or to look good in a bathing suit.  We need a servant's heart and to be saved in His grace and finally to share that grace with the world!!!  Yes....I agree. We need to treat our bodies like the temple it is and to make healthy decisions.  But for the right reasons.  Not the wrong ones.  When we delve in.....we may be "fat".....but just look at "Happy" we will be???  :)

 

I know I've been wordy.  But read this blog.   The link is below.  It just may change your life too.

http://www.fancylittlethings.com/2013/03/measuringu/

Thinking I may just chunk the scales.....anyone with me????  God has spoken to me loud and clear. 

Blessings for a wonderful week...my BEAUTIFUL friends.....
In Him,
Terri

 

PS.  Please join me in prayer for our OK friends.  And also for 3 others in my life that are in fear for the "C" word.  God....be with them and provide the comfort and healing only You can!!