Met with Dr. Sneed on Monday to "formally" discuss my scans that I had following my last treatment. I got the "all clear" that I've....correction....WE have been praying for in recent weeks. Some call it "clinical remission".....others "cancer free"....I believe I will call it God's miracle. His love never failed me. Not even once. I don't go back until January! :) Praise The Lord!!
Unfortunately, I've gotta take care of some "housekeeping"......
I've been hesitant about continuing to blog. I've been working on this post for a while. Funny how some people are. Most of my "readers" (gosh....that came out like I am a Best-Selling author or something....ha! I know that isn't the case!) have had nothing but encouraging and positive things to say. "Inspiration" has been a word I've heard frequently. "Strong" is another one. Funny, I've felt neither of those a majority of the time. I have TOTALLY written this blog from an honest place. Sad that I feel forced to defend it......which is why I've not written in a bit. There are acutally those out there that have taken my words and twisted their meaning and their intention and even used them against me. Not to my face of course.....:) I would welcome negtive comments openly.....but gossiping seems to be MUCH more enjoyable. I know because I, too, have been guilty of this. Sadly. I know who ya are and what ya said. :)) Yep....it hurt. But....I realize the devil likes to creep in......hiding behind the Bible to do his work. So after some soul searching.....I am back. I have so much more to say. And I'm not going to worry anymore about how "it looks to others" or whatever. They've not traveled in my shoes. Nor do they really know me. So why should it bother me? Im choosing to no longer let it. I forgive you. And hope you learn as I have.
I will no longer DEFEND my actions, my blogs, my facebook statuses, my words, my faith, OR my need to share God's grace. Period. This right here...is MY space. And if the devil uses even ONE gossipy woman to say something ugly and shut this down.....then I am the weak one. Am I perfect? Heck fire no!! Do I make bad decisions and mistakes? You betcha. My friends and family and my Lord love me anyway. Anyone who doesn't....just quite frankly isn't welcome here. So....take that Satan!!!! Bam! Lesson learned.....and I'm now a stronger "more informed" person! Blessings in disguise.....I tell ya! I love to share scripture, songs, or whatever helps me to stay on the right path on a certain day. Does it make me better than you? Absolutely NOT! Just maybe it can help others too. And quite frankly, I'm gettin old and forgetful. This is my life here......And I love it.
I have tickets to Casting Crowns Saturday night and I Can.Not.Wait!!! They are my favorite. I've been listening to almost nothing but this week getting pumped up to worship with them and siked that I will know EVERY word to EVERY song! :) Its on the eve of Sam's 16th birthday. What a way to bring it in....by worshipping together! We have so much to celebrate!! Anyway, as I was struggling with the aftermath of hearing some mean and ugly things....this song came on......
Jesus IS a friend of sinners, just like me. Let us reach with open hearts and open doors.....Break our hearts for what breaks Yours. Pickin on me when I was down is kinda wrong. Down right mean. But Jesus taught us to forgive. So I am. I'm a happy happy girl! I no longer want to be held captive by others' mistakes either. Feels good!!!
Cancer hasn't necessarily been a negative thing for me. It has changed my perspective so much. Of course it was a miserable experience phyically. But....it has shown me how my own thoughts and past mistakes have been keeping me captive for so long. I have finally found the courage to release the hold I had on MYSELF. That is possible folks.....due to God's grace. Facing your own mortality can be a really scary place without the grace we are all promised. Its there....we just have to accept it. I'm not any less human than I was before. I still screw up and use my words unwisely at times. But the fact that I catch myself and recognize it.....makes me a better Christian. Makes me a more devoted child of God.
I'm not known for being very tactful. In fact, I'm pretty blunt to a fault. I'm well aware that this post is pretty "in your face" and I'm likely to take some heat for it. I'm openly aware of my sins and trying to be slow to point out those of others. My circle is small....but oh so close. Cancer has brought so much goodness. I will probably write about it for many years to come. Friends. Ones I barely knew before are now on my speed dial. Ones I may have hurt before.....who forgave. Ones I haven't seen in years and years.....who I talk to daily. Ones who have stood by me before my diagnosis and continue to do so today. Ones who aren't just on a "bandwagon".....to help the chick with cancer. Childhood buddies who contact me almost dialy to let me know I'm loved. Strangers I NOW call friends who have offered us aid in so many different ways. Folks....God was movin in my life to make sure we were taken care of!
My kids have been soldiers of courage. It has been such a rough time on them. Due to the kindness of others I was able to provide for them and even "treat them" at times. I had one friend earmark money to buy Syd her "first day of school" outfit....because she knows how important it is for little girls to feel pretty on the first day. Bonus? We can share clothes! haha Many have given gift cards to various restraunts so that we can enjoy dinner as a family out on occasion. Movie passes. The list goes on and on. So many have fulfilled needs and the gaps in my budget so that I can still have those "feel good mom moments" of a few "extras." It always has and will be all about them. My children are my world and will be until I take my last breath.
We are still struggling to get back on our feet. The aftermath of being unable to work, the travels into LR for dr appts, prescriptions and Doctor bills have hit us hard. God has continued to provide for our every need. I'm back at work and feel awesome!!! My little team is getting there.....one day at a time. The only way I know how to thank everyone is by paying it forward. God will use my work in progress to hopefully lift someone else up who may have my journey in their future. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for it all.
My cancer is gone. But its effects....both good and bad....remain forever. I can look and the mirror and see what all it has taken from me. But I can look into my heart and see what all it has given me. That's the good stuff!!!
Saturday is Race for the Cure. My team is nearly 100 strong. 100 people who are joining me in walking with thousands of others on Saturday to fight for a cure. My mom is ironing her pink outfit in heaven.....for preparation. I can just see her! ha Better watch out Cancer....we comin after you!!! :)