I catch myself just sitting alone often. In a quiet room, with no television, radio or other distractions. I've been just thinking back on Sam and his childhood. How he when I would pick him up from daycare....he would spot me from across the room and just make a beeline for me with the biggest grin. No matter what kind of day I had...he was always happy to see me. Fast forward to the equivalent today. Every afternoon, I can expect a phone call when he reaches his vehicle after practice. Everyday. "What ya doin?" "Where are ya?" He will always drop by the office to see me (and not always to get money! haha) or when he comes in from "wherever" in the evenings....he will lay across the foot of my bed and chat.
I cherish these moments. I pray that I will still get those calls next year. Telling me about practice...and his day. I'm watching this child....MY child....defeat so many odds and living out his dreams. One by one by one.
I wrote a letter to Sam on his 18th birthday. I have to share again, for on the cusp of his graduation, my thoughts and dreams and prayers for him.....have never changed. I pray I've done my job. And that either because of me...or in SPITE of me, this child is going to be a bright spot in this world. He might even just change it.
I'm thinking I can most likely speak to the entire Class of '15....from your mommas. :)
To my Sam...My graduate....
You knew it was coming. :) First of all, let me say that I do not mean to embarrass you with this; however, I do believe that it is a mother's prerogative to allow her emotions to overwhelm her at certain points of her life. The opportunity to begin the next chapter of your life as you enter into adult-hood is one of them. It is because this means that my chapter as your mother is going to begin changing as well. So be patient with me, because if I’m crying while writing this, I will most certainly be crying as you read it. A mother’s love knows no bounds and neither does her sadness and trepidation as her first born son moves onto the next phase of his life, without her holding his hand every step of the way.
I’ve been thinking about how we have sort of grown up together. I wasn't a parent before you came along and so I've had to do most of my learning, and failing, with you. When you were born, I was scared to death. I was only 25 and had no clue how to be a parent. Until that baby is in your arms, you can’t quite fathom the panic that sets in with all the responsibility looming ahead of you, but at the same time, you experience this unimaginable joy and love. Unconditional love… from the first look in your eyes and the first time your little fist wrapped around my finger. I was instantly in love with you. I remember standing for hours by your crib, just looking at you. I remember all the fear and down-right CRAZE I felt when we never knew if you would breathe on your own...let alone jump, and run, and catch footballs on Friday night! :) I was in awe that such a precious, perfect little baby was mine. Yes, despite your respiratory issues, you were perfect. I was so in love that I would just cry sometimes as I held you. Some nights I would get up just to hold you while you slept. I felt like I was the luckiest mom alive to have you for my son.
I remember you with your trach. How I never heard your little cry until you were over a year old. How you would sneeze and the filter would fly across the room. (Once into the baked beans at a church potluck! haha) I remember the fear of letting anyone NEAR you. You don't know this, but the whole community, our church, our friends and family....prayed for you so much. You were a little super star when you came home! So loved. Always. So very loved.
Parenting you has been the ride of a lifetime. I wouldn’t trade it or give up a second I’ve spent with you, worrying about you, loving you, being your biggest fan. Always. It’s been 18 years of pure emotion: love, joy, worry, anger, frustration, terror. Sometimes the emotion isn’t even mine, but yours. When you’re excited, happy or, worse, heartbroken, I feel those things, too. Ever since you were born, I worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could be. Did I make you feel important? Did we find enough time for the little things that live on in happy memories - like laughter, and hugs, and "just-between-us" moments? Did I show you enough that you mean the world to me? And, more importantly, did you always know I loved you, even when I was angry at you? I hope I’ve given you enough and made you feel loved, cherished and important.
Sometimes I just stare at you when you aren’t paying attention… and sometimes you catch me. :) Why do I do that, you wonder? There are lots of reasons. I'm staring because it amazes me that someone as handsome, funny, loving and smart as you ever came out of me. You have the sweetest, most gentle spirit of anyone I've ever met. So UNlike me! lol I think, how did I get so lucky?! I'm staring at you with hope, because I know that you're sensitive and sometimes a clueless, naive kid…and because I know that the world you're moving into can be unpredictable and cruel at times. I just hope that I’ve given you enough ‘tools’ to make it in this world without too much difficulty. The biggest reason I'm staring is because I know that our time together is short and growing shorter by the day. The day is coming soon when I'll no longer be a part of your everyday life. There will be college and work, a lucky girl who steals your heart, and some career that keeps you busy. So knowing that my opportunities to teach and influence you will soon slow down to only the occasional Sunday dinners and holidays, makes me sad. You're my friend! I love our time that we just hang out, watch stupid tv, and talk. I know that my moments with you are numbered.
I will most likely share this with you on your graduation day. Which is only a few short months away. Although the days between now and then are few, they are full of importance. So many decisions. By then you will know the outcome of the Panthers season. Both football and baseball. Will you be wearing a state championship ring....or maybe 2? You will know where you will be spending the next four years of your life. And most likely how we will pay for it. You will be preparing for your last summer at home, with few commitments. All of the worries and "what ifs" that we are experiencing now will be answered. Enjoy every moment, son. And please be gracious. God is carrying us. And He will reveal opportunities to you each day between now and then. So be gracious.
I find myself frantically wondering if I've covered all the bases, told you all the things I wanted you to know…and wondering, too, if you ever truly listened. I hope you did. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own life. It’s a scary concept, isn’t it? Your happiness, your fortune, and your emotional well-being all essentially belong to you to control and steer. At this point we are still holding your hand and we expect to do so to some extent for some time. (Don’t worry – you aren’t going to come home to find all your stuff on the lawn. Yet. :)) I know you aren't sure what you want to do with your life yet, but I have no doubts that you can do anything you set out to do. And well. That’s why college would be good for you, it will allow you a little more time to figure it out and decide, while still having the safety of your family. It will allow you to ‘find yourself’ in a way working in the world, just won’t. It allows you to put off the responsibilities of being an adult, out on your own, for just awhile longer. Now is the time for you to figure out who you want to become and where you want to go in life. I am nervous for you, but at the same time glowing with pride about the young man that you have grown to be.
I'm sorry for any heartache and "bad cards" you may have been dealt at the hand of my mistakes. I'm sorry you haven't always had a daily father. One on the fields to teach you. I'm sorry that we can't always have the best of what I wish I could have given to you. I'm sorry that you haven't always had family and support watching from the stands. It's mostly just the three of us rooting you on. Thank you for never letting it matter. For never showing me an ounce of disappointment. I'm sorry that you have had to face "grown up" issues while being a child: divorce, financial issues, illness, and death. Thank you for always stepping up and facing issues WITH me and being such a soldier for Christ. For thriving sometimes...not because of me...but in SPITE of me. Thank you for ALWAYS respecting my rules and authority. I can honestly say, I've never worried or questioned you. Thank you, Sam, for your honesty. Thank you for loving me. And for always knowing that I did my very best by you. And telling me often.
Today you become a man.
At least you are the legal age of maturity according to our society. You can fight for our country...but can't drink in it. Remember that! :) But becoming a man is more than reaching a milestone. It’s a process that began on that day eighteen years ago when you took your first assisted breath and will continue until that time in the future when you take your last.
Being a man is not about accomplishments, athletic success, mechanical ability or financial assets. Being a man is more about character, compassion and courage. A man has character when he is a person of integrity who can be depended upon. How you act when not a soul is watching. A man has compassion when he not only cares for others, but demonstrates it by putting their best interests ahead of his own. A man has courage when he does what is right even when it's difficult. I believe you are a long way along this journey to becoming a man. You have learned so much already. You show so much promise.
Here are some other tidbits that I want to make sure I tell you... (For you see...I've been taking notes in preparation for this day. A long, long time.)
Remember who you are. Decide your values and what is important to you and live them out. Don’t be afraid to be an individual.
Listen more than you speak. You will learn more by paying attention to what others have to say, and people appreciate being heard.
Be selfless. Let someone else have the nice chair, closer parking space or last slice. Look for simple ways to help others.
Keep your promises. Doing what you say you will do is a rare thing in our world today. It is one of the easiest ways to stand apart.
Be confident but stay humble. You can accomplish anything you put your mind to, so don’t doubt your abilities. On the other hand don’t think too highly of yourself. Humility is a wonderful trait. Remember Who gets the honor at the end of the day.
There is no substitute for hard work. The process of working toward a goal is often as rewarding as the achievement itself.
Intelligence and wisdom are not the same. Intelligence is the ability to learn. Wisdom is using knowledge and experience to make good choices. You can be both.
Never stop learning. There’s a whole world to be explored beyond the classroom long after graduation.
Embrace “IT”. Whatever life throws at you, embrace. Change, obstacles, accomplishments, difficulties, adventures, success, failure are all opportunities to grow. Enjoy the moment.
Stay away from the bad things. You know right from wrong. Don't be swayed. Always be above reproach. Never give others the reason to question you.
Reach higher. Your Mamaw Patsy always told me to dress, act, and work as if I had the position I aspired to be in. That is true in all of life. Show your superiors that you are worthy.
Love outrageously! Be a man who is known by his affections and his actions. Value your family and forge friendships that last. Treat the woman that receives your heart like a princess. Be the man you would choose for your mom or your sister. I promise...nice guys don't ALWAYS finish last.
Love Jesus.
Live Jesus.
Launch Jesus. Go out and show your love for Him just by being you.
Pray. Everyday. Pray, son.
These eighteen years you have been alive also happen to coincide with the best eighteen years of my life. That’s no coincidence. Your coming into this world has profoundly changed mine. No words can adequately describe my love, my pride and my hope for you. I am blessed to call you my son. And today I am also pleased to call you a man.
While today you may curse the conviction behind my beliefs, and rolling your eyes that I shelter you, know it is this same determination that helped you learn to stand up for what’s important to you. While you’re frustrated by the lessons I have to teach, know that it’s taken twice the amount of time, heartache, and self-doubt to figure out how to teach it to you, when I could have easily been indifferent. While lately my strong will might seem to limit your choices, know it was this strength that helped me rock you to sleep every night you were sick or afraid , all while doing it on my own. My goal has always been that when you look back on your childhood, you have to know that your momma was there. Always.
While some days you question my need to protect you, know that it is this fierce nature that ensured you were never alone and always safe. While sometimes you may wonder if I think about you when you’re not here, know that it feels like a physical part of my body is missing when my children are not with me. While right now you sometimes wish I would leave you alone, someday you’ll wish you had just one more day with me. While you become excited by the prospect of love in your life, know that it was the first moments of your life when you slept upon my chest that you first learned the meaning of unconditional love. Know that I pray everyday that God show me how to fill the gap between how to love, shelter, and protect you and trusting HIM. Thank you for being patient with me while I find it.
Be selfless. Let someone else have the nice chair, closer parking space or last slice. Look for simple ways to help others.
Keep your promises. Doing what you say you will do is a rare thing in our world today. It is one of the easiest ways to stand apart.
Be confident but stay humble. You can accomplish anything you put your mind to, so don’t doubt your abilities. On the other hand don’t think too highly of yourself. Humility is a wonderful trait. Remember Who gets the honor at the end of the day.
There is no substitute for hard work. The process of working toward a goal is often as rewarding as the achievement itself.
Intelligence and wisdom are not the same. Intelligence is the ability to learn. Wisdom is using knowledge and experience to make good choices. You can be both.
Never stop learning. There’s a whole world to be explored beyond the classroom long after graduation.
Embrace “IT”. Whatever life throws at you, embrace. Change, obstacles, accomplishments, difficulties, adventures, success, failure are all opportunities to grow. Enjoy the moment.
Stay away from the bad things. You know right from wrong. Don't be swayed. Always be above reproach. Never give others the reason to question you.
Reach higher. Your Mamaw Patsy always told me to dress, act, and work as if I had the position I aspired to be in. That is true in all of life. Show your superiors that you are worthy.
Love outrageously! Be a man who is known by his affections and his actions. Value your family and forge friendships that last. Treat the woman that receives your heart like a princess. Be the man you would choose for your mom or your sister. I promise...nice guys don't ALWAYS finish last.
Love Jesus.
Live Jesus.
Launch Jesus. Go out and show your love for Him just by being you.
Pray. Everyday. Pray, son.
These eighteen years you have been alive also happen to coincide with the best eighteen years of my life. That’s no coincidence. Your coming into this world has profoundly changed mine. No words can adequately describe my love, my pride and my hope for you. I am blessed to call you my son. And today I am also pleased to call you a man.
While today you may curse the conviction behind my beliefs, and rolling your eyes that I shelter you, know it is this same determination that helped you learn to stand up for what’s important to you. While you’re frustrated by the lessons I have to teach, know that it’s taken twice the amount of time, heartache, and self-doubt to figure out how to teach it to you, when I could have easily been indifferent. While lately my strong will might seem to limit your choices, know it was this strength that helped me rock you to sleep every night you were sick or afraid , all while doing it on my own. My goal has always been that when you look back on your childhood, you have to know that your momma was there. Always.
While some days you question my need to protect you, know that it is this fierce nature that ensured you were never alone and always safe. While sometimes you may wonder if I think about you when you’re not here, know that it feels like a physical part of my body is missing when my children are not with me. While right now you sometimes wish I would leave you alone, someday you’ll wish you had just one more day with me. While you become excited by the prospect of love in your life, know that it was the first moments of your life when you slept upon my chest that you first learned the meaning of unconditional love. Know that I pray everyday that God show me how to fill the gap between how to love, shelter, and protect you and trusting HIM. Thank you for being patient with me while I find it.
I know its crazy to get a "love letter" from your mom. Cheesy...I know. But know by now, you will have words written about ya, and a camera in your face. :) You are my favorite man in the entire world. I love you like no other. And that will never change.
Follow your dreams. Never give up on something you desperately want. Ever. Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in life. You are my first-born and I want great things for you. You are loved and all things good in my heart. When you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. Of all the things in my life that I might have, could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's having you for a son... If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it - I'm proud to be your momma and I love you with my heart and soul.
Happy Graduation, My Sweet Sam. I love you…forever. (I love you for always...as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.)
"For this child, I prayed and the Lord answered my prayer." 1 SAMUEL 1:27 (Straight from the book of "Sam"....:)
With a bushel, peck, and hug around the neck.
XOXO,
Mom
Follow your dreams. Never give up on something you desperately want. Ever. Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in life. You are my first-born and I want great things for you. You are loved and all things good in my heart. When you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. Of all the things in my life that I might have, could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's having you for a son... If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it - I'm proud to be your momma and I love you with my heart and soul.
Happy Graduation, My Sweet Sam. I love you…forever. (I love you for always...as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.)
"For this child, I prayed and the Lord answered my prayer." 1 SAMUEL 1:27 (Straight from the book of "Sam"....:)
With a bushel, peck, and hug around the neck.
XOXO,
Mom
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