Oftentimes, I sit on my bed and hear the “discussion of differences” going on around me….fighting over which movie to see, what to spend gift cards on, who ate all the Doritos that we just bought last night, or what restaurant to drive through. Who has used “who’s” itunes account, and who stole who’s iphone charger. Iphone 5’s by the way….which until a couple of months ago, was the “latest and greateast”….now is old and needs to be replaced with the coveted “6.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve taught them well. We all love and want nice things. The secret is….do we appreciate what we work so hard to have? My kiddos are a tad spoiled. And I’m not alone.
What was it, my first day on the job? Rookie mistake. When the times come…and often, when I have a 15-year old pouting because I can’t buy this or that…or my 18 year old ticked because we chose something other than HIS choice….I’ll be honest: When my kids sulk about something that is clearly a First World Problem, it kind of pushes my buttons. I struggle to find a meaningful way to teach my children to genuinely practice gratitude while still respecting the fact that at this age, their disappointments are very real.
Out in the hallway, one of my perfectly behaved children apparently whacked the other one on the head with something. At 18 and 15 years old, they generally get along together remarkably well, but this was an off day. Accusations, protests and wails echoed beyond the bedroom door. I sighed. “I don’t feel like they deserve to go anywhere or have anything right now,” I confessed myself. “What a couple of ingrates.”
We’ve all had those days. The kids are fighting. They don’t seem to appreciate the extras you gave them. And the EXTRA you have to do to be able to give to them. They’re rude. They forget their manners. Does it make them monsters or you a bad parent? Despite what many would say while wagging a finger, No. It does not.
But it does indicate a very real phenomenon that many of us are unprepared for when we transition to parenthood. Parenting sometimes sucks. Sure, we knew it would be hard. (I can already hear the haters now: “You should’ve known it would be hard! Why did you even have kids?” Thanks for that. Really.) We knew we would be tired and that raising kids would be a lot of work. But it goes beyond that. Sometimes, it really actually suuuuuucks. And here’s the funny thing: While it aggravates me when my kids handle their disappointments like a pair of enraged gorillas on crack, I have to admit that I, too, have a problem handing disappointment.
I had been looking forward to Christmas. When my kids had moments of bickering, complaining and wreaking havoc, I was disappointed. I wanted a magical week — the one you see flashing through your Facebook newsfeed. The snapshots of beaming parents and giggling children making memories. I didn’t want whiny, ungrateful kids who had, wait for it… ruined MY day. Then I remembered….they were bickering trying to figure out how to please everyone. They wanted to be with me…and my family. They wanted to see their dad…and his family. Sadly…Christmas Day isn’t longer because we need it to be. And ultimately….I put them in this situation…their dad & I. Try swallowing THAT pill.
Nothing brings out the possibilities for disappointment like the holiday season. The meltdown of stress; the parties; the indignation at being forbidden to eat forty-eleven Christmas cookies in one sitting; the Christmas list that there is no WAY you can afford and here you are, just wanting to make some dang holiday magic with your kids, and the “spirit of compromise” totally ruins it. What is wrong with these people? It’s like I morphed into Clark W. Griswold and everything is going wrong, and I threw a good old-fashioned “Terri Tantrum” which later left me feeling guilty.
So, what are parents supposed to do during the disappointing moments? I think first of all, we need to stop judging ourselves for feeling let down. Just like we need to stop judging our kids for melting down for ridiculous reasons. Let them mumble and gripe and complain over the sheer hell of not being allowed to do this or that or have this or that. And let yourself feel bummed out when you need to. You’re only human. You’ll move on, of course. Maybe you’ll even laugh about it later.
I feel so much guilt for not savoring every minute. Every time we dare to admit that we’d really been looking forward to something — a vacation, a birthday party, a simple lazy day — and our kids’ behavior was atrocious, somebody pops up to remind us that there are plenty of people who would do anything to have kids and we should just shut up. And that works about as well as when we tell our kids that there are starving children in Africa who would have been thrilled to have that measly one cookie that was apparently inadequate. It doesn’t work. Because shaming doesn’t work.
So let’s stop shaming ourselves for feeling disappointed sometimes. This Christmas, I made them happy. My Sam came to me and told me that I always “worry too much” and it always “turns out perfect.” And I want to tell you that as I dropped them off with their dad (at 10 am Christmas Day instead of 4 pm) that I felt their love. I felt their appreciation for the memories we had made in the short few minutes of Christmas. I hugged them both…and THEY held on for a minute. I want to tell you that my heart felt full, close to bursting. It was one of those crazy gratitude moments.
For you see, Christ blessed us this Christmas. They love me so much. Almost as much as I love them. They text, call, and can’t wait to share their lives with me. No matter where they lay their head at night. They know Jesus. They have giving hearts. And sweet spirits. We are not perfect. Our circumstances are not perfect. But we are perfect together.
Christmas 2014 is in the books. Happy Birthday to my Lord and Savior....Who blesses us each day. Because of Him....I don't have to be perfect. MY imperfections are there to remind me to come back to Him....The reason for this season.
In Him,
Terri
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