So often I try to find the solutions myself. I want to anticipate and wrap the kids in some sort of protective covering that will stop the hurts, physical and emotional. I try to anticipate their disappointments, so I can either prevent them or warn them. It sort of takes a little (or a lot) of the joy out of life to live this way, but I am a mother consumed by fear and worry. I try that magical thinking game, "If I worry about it, it will not happen. If I am a good enough mom, I will have kids that are successful and happy and always free of pain."
Every day I pray that God will wrap my children in a hedge of protection. A bubble. Heck...who am I kidding...some days I'd like to put them behind the "Great Wall of China" and let nothing negative near them. I have discovered that the hedge does not stop them from getting hurt feelings, a bad grade, or a skinned knee. I do nott believe for a minute that while my mom was fighting the FBC -- that she didn't pray often, if not daily, that it didn't reach her child. I. KNOW. THIS. FEAR. You cannot pray them away from the disappointments in life. I cannot prevent the hurts of life even if I get them to follow the rules, do their best, look both ways when they cross the street, and mind their manners. Even if I ask God daily to prevent them from pain.
I have two incredibly great kids. Just this week, after a devastating State Championship, Season- and Career- ending loss for my son and his team, they both exhibited such grace. And strength. And faith. I received many texts....I stopped counting after 22.....countless facebook messages....and a couple of phone calls telling me how proud people were of my Sam. Yes, a near-perfect, historical, record-breaking season is quite the thing to be proud of. But his attitude, demeanor, and actions during defeat is what I admired most. It's easy to be the best of everything when things are going your way.....but life lessons are taught in the face of defeat.
While I was flooded with tears and emotion, in awe of the pain I was sure he was feeling, and preparing to pick up a multitude of pieces, Sam got off that bus with a smile on his face. Yes, you read that right...a SMILE! He was the example of "don't cry because it's over but smile because it happened" mentality. It wasn't until I received a phone call from a sweet friend, that I really noticed how wondeful that was. He consoled ME. Don't get me wrong. He was heartbroken and sad. But still maintained the belief in everything we taught him to be. And in those moments...HE taught ME.
Don't get me wrong. Sam isn't a hero. By any means. And as a mom, I struggle daily to keep my kiddos on the correct path, when the lines are sometimes blurred which path that is. I do not make excuses for them and will be the first to come down on them if they need it. Life is just hard. Parenting is just hard. I'm so blessed with the ability to be able to recognize teachable moments and moments when he is precious in spite of me....like that night. AND...friends who bring it to my attention when I'm wallowing and can't see for myself.
I lost my cool. Grown adults lost their cool. Life lessons were taught EVERYWHERE that evening. Not just on the football field. I scrolled through my twitter feed....(Yes, I'm aware that Satan lives and plays there)....and saw all of the ugly things written about our "team" that just weren't true. My heart just hurt. It just ain't so. These are honorable, God-loving, and God-LIVING young men.
We built them up for weeks. We burst with pride for WEEKS! Guess what? This is the same team. The same young men. With the same hearts as before the loss. Gotta love a bandwagon. Something, I've learned about well.
2nd in the state. Not too shabby. These boys faced and overcome adversity. This team of Seniors led like no other. Look at their faces. Love them. And continue to build them up as they leave the field and enter our world. This world that so needs leaders like them.
I would just like to ask right now, how is it that I can try my hardest to protect them and yet they still get hurt? How fair is that? Come on!
Umm...yeah. I caught that. I try MY hardest. I turn to prayer in the midst of the pain and yet, I still want to cover it myself. I don't pray and turn it over to God. Nope. I give it to God but I still keep a grip on it. I guess I don't trust him to cover it the way I envision. I mean, my plan is probably superior to His even though His plan is superior, right? I'm good at giving God instructions for what I WANT, rather than just listening to His plan and following HIS guidance. Even though He can use everything for good. Even though He loved them before I even knew them with a perfect love only He can have.
How ummm perfectly, humanly, stubbornly wasteful of me. Moms just aren't wired that way.
This is my struggle. Turning it over and letting it go and believing He's got it covered without me. I haven't mastered it yet. I keep trying. I will keep praying; for peace, for protection, and for ummmm....the mere ability to give it over to God. Please tell me I'm not alone.
I am and always will be a proud Panther mom. And will never forget the leaders of this "Dream Team."
Keep livin for HIM, boys....He will never leave you. What an ultimate Coach.
In Him,
Terri
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