Thankful...

This morning, Little Miss Sydney Clare, who is NOT a morning person, was stomping around because she was running late, her brother wasn't moving as fast as she thought he should have...blah, blah, blah.  This is a typical morning at the Baker house and sometimes there are even tears in her eyes and she just isn't a happy camper.  Syd is a passionate child.  My loud one.  Couple that with grumpy mornings and sometimes it just isn't pretty.

Today, I tried to reason with her and in true teenager fashion and she turned away, crossing her arms, and stomped off in a huff.  Nothin was gonna please her at that moment.  THEN, as she bound out the door, STILL bossing her brother, I get an "I love you mom, See you at 3!" ....in between her demands.

In that moment, I remembered my own desires for comfort and how I seek them and where I find them, or don't. You see, I expect love and comfort and peace and satisfaction to come from the people in my life, or from within me.  I expect that David or my kids or my friends or my job or or hobby or food will fill the void.  According to the Bible, only God can fill that void.

So the other day, in my frustration, I stood in the shower, crying (because apparently I can only cry in the shower, otherwise I can't cry,  or I have to stop to explain to concerned onlookers why I am crying which, while it is nice to have my teenagers care, it would be nice to be allowed to experience a feeling and not have to give a dissertation about it).  In my frustration, my, "I don't know if  everything is really going to be okay." I said, "I don't know how to let You fill, me Lord."  I thought I knew and now, I am not sure how to let God fill that void and live in that place of peace.

It's a little like dancing naked, admitting here, for the world to read, that I am not sure how to let God fill me right now.

I have been hearing the word integrity a lot from others, about being the person of integrity in the room. I wonder sometimes what others think integrity means and so I hope I am acting with integrity by saying that I am struggling with this how right now.  I am struggling with how?  and  what if...? and  why not...?  I am surely not the first human and I will surely not be the last.  If it offends you... well, you can pray for me or you can stop reading or shrug, well, whatever...or do what my kids say is a "sub tweet"...meaning write about me on social media without actually calling my name.

Sometimes, I see people chastise each other.  Especially those of us "born again" Christians who really ARE born again.  Those of us who have lost their way at times, and are fighting to get back.  It will take me the rest of my days to "right the wrongs" that I've caused in my life, with others. But how awesome is it, friends....that Jesus already did that for me??  You see, being positive in a negative situation isn't being naive.  It's being a LEADER ( I saw that somewhere....and I'm flat stealing it, because that's good stuff!)

In our Praying Mom's group for the Football team, we do good every week.  EVERY WEEK, we pray, and we love and we lift up and we offer support.  (I'm dedicating a WHOLE post to this group someday soon....when I can get through it without crying.)  But everything about it is good.  I mean REALLY good.  Still, others have found a way to tarnish it.  We were called hypocrites because we didn't include other sports.  (Keep in mind its an open group and we have begged anyone and everyone to join us, and we openly pray for all groups.)  We have been accused of "praying for wins".....Which couldn't be further from the truth.  Ok....Maybe last week in Pine Bluff, I DID pray that field goal through the uprights in the last second of the game for the "win."....but I'm sure I wasn't alone! :)  I could argue that just as many on the opposing side were praying for a "wide left".   In all honesty, we pray for protection, we pray for His presence, we pray for their sportsmanship, and most of all we give Him glory for all we have been given.  

The undefeated season we are experiencing isn't due to a group of friends who are moms coming together to pray.  We prayed just as hard for my daughter's Dance Team who fell short of the title on Saturday.....Winning is defined by so much more.  I do believe He honors faithful hearts and hard work.  You do the "math."

My point being, friends.  Uplift each other.  Don't let Satan IN!  He tried to get in when we were working hard last week.  He tries to get in when God is moving the most.  DON'T LET HIM! I am FAR from qualified in leading prayer in a group such as this.  That's what makes it so wonderful.  God doesn't hear our words...he hears our HEARTS.

As for me... I just have to find a way to walk through this and get to the other side, soothing a smart-mouth little teenager and getting her big brother first INTO college and then off to college, while wanting the world to just stop cold.  I don't want one more minute on the clock to tick away.  I will do my best to be His hands and feet as I am able, being that I am sorely broken, like the rest of the world, I might add.

I see flashes of the past 18+ years so vividly.  I still remember his Dad's face when I told him there were 2 blue lines.  It may be the only time that man has ever been speechless. I remember the awe at the miracle of his birth.  I think love was really something tangible we could touch and hold in our hands in the predawn hours of that day.  I realize how fleeting those nights he slept no more than 5 minutes at a stretch really were.  They felt like they'd never end.  I remember the way he ran around at my mother's funeral like the perfect comic relief and the way chasing him was the carrot on the string that kept me from curling up in a ball of despair; his smile and laugh were sweet comfort. 

I remember when we had to buy pink.  Sydney's room looked like it had been hosed down with Pepto Bismol.    When she was 3 and we were new to our church, her Sunday School teacher was convinced we'd never be back...the story of the widow's mite had her in tears.  When she was 6 she announced she was going to build a 1000 story building for all the homeless people.  She is my personal assistant, my support, the one who will not let her brother be late and will help anything I ask.

I look at them and am so proud.  I see shades of the man he is yet to grow into and reflections of the boy he once was.  I see her as a compassionate young lady, and hell on wheels if you try to cross her. This kid can hold her own!  She wants to do right at all costs.....and point out when others don't!  :)  I watched her get into the car with her best friend of several years today....off to shop.  And I had a meltdown moment. WHEN did they grow up on me?

We want to give them roots and wings. We want to raise them so they can leave, but no matter how great we can be as parents (and I am far from great), we cannot control everything and everyone, including the children.  I cannot always protect these kids from others or even their own choices.  Having a part of my heart walking around outside my body can feel a little like someone squeezing the air of my lungs.

So today, I will cry a little. (Little is relative.)  I will iron his shirt and smile with pride when he leaves each morning.  I will help her find something out of MY closet to wear and help her with her hair.  I will hold these memories in my heart along with all the others I have been blessed with and there will always be room for more memories of them as they walk through this crazy, amazing adventure of life. Now, where is that box of tissues??

There were times when I wished 

to un-see, un-feel, un-know 
something 
gruesome, ugly, painful, unpleasant. 

I wished to have a thicker skin,
so that things would not hurt me;
would bounce off me like I had a protective shield.

Now, I am thankful...
To have eyes that see and emotions to feel
and to be changed
by all that I experience.

Through all that I experience each day,
I. Am. Changed.

I am free to act (or not) 
and to do or be (and become)...

Each day I am braver, 
more willing to see and feel and know...
and for that...
I am grateful.

In Him,

Terri