I've considered taking a writing hiatus. The reason is simple and complicated all at the same time. I realized that who I am "here" and what I'm going through "out there" are not always "in sync."
When I was going through "the cancer" people would tell me I was "inspirational." That drove me absolutely batty. I was ANYTHING but. Sometimes, I felt like a big, fat liar. I also found out that sometimes it even intimidated people...until we had a conversation and they saw me living in this scary, crazy, technicolor hot mess. (Then we were cool.)
Sometimes I get messages about this blog and people tell me how peaceful I sound. I'm NOT!
Do I believe what I write here? Absolutely. I believe in a loving, forgiving and grace-filled God. I believe we can trust God. I believe we do not ever walk alone. Err umm.... I believe that YOU don't ever walk alone.
The truth is, often I feel like I've ticked God off in a major way and He has washed His hand of me. (Picture him wiping his hands together to brush off the crumbs of my messiness.) I feel it in my heart when I am feeling unlovely and maybe a little bit like everyone else's life is working out and mine is not. so. much. I feel the envy rotting my bones. I feel the weight of poor decisions on my shoulders. I feel... hopeless.
I don't think anyone else should feel this way. I think God is all merciful and loving. It's just that...I don't understand why things haven't worked out. Clearly my sins, my poor decisions and my own messiness are far worse than yours. Right? Because I must have done something...
So when I write, imagine me trying to find the peace through my words. When you read, know that I am trying to find my way. I know the Truth, but I cannot always feel it. I know He is with me, but sometimes I feel like I cannot find Him. His footsteps are silent, His hands so gentle that I may not notice their embrace.
At these times, I just know that somehow, someway He will get me through. And He will get you through, too. Often I write to work through things, which makes it seem all methodical and peaceful and clean..which is what I am doing now except...Life, my friends, is often very messy, especially when lived fully and with risks and mistakes. Gosh, I have an abundance of those. Mistakes, that is.
When I started this blog, it was for my kiddos. That they will have my words, when I die. Then I get a couple of compliments and I began to dream this "pie in the sky" idea that I would someday get a book contract and maybe even get to speak from a Christian perspective. The reality is, the real me probably wouldn't fit in so well with that. I kinda guess that's what makes this my safe place. HERE, I can write whatever I choose. And when I die....my kids will STILL have my words.
That said, I will continue to write. However....in truly prissy fashion...I can tell you this, "You don't have to read it." If you do, and have a less than kind opinion, fall down on your knees and pray for me. I promise it will make BOTH of us feel better. And Lord knows that I need them. I get tickled at times that Satan slips in and makes me want to write to DEFEND the things I write. Ludicrous.
That said, I will continue to write. However....in truly prissy fashion...I can tell you this, "You don't have to read it." If you do, and have a less than kind opinion, fall down on your knees and pray for me. I promise it will make BOTH of us feel better. And Lord knows that I need them. I get tickled at times that Satan slips in and makes me want to write to DEFEND the things I write. Ludicrous.
I know that if I filled my life with only things deemed pleasing to God, I would be better off and I know in my head that God loves me flaws and poor choices and all. (That's grace.) My heart is not on the same "God loves me" page. Ironic because I spend a lot of time telling other people something that my heart cannot believe for me.
It really hit home for me last night as I heard about a young man on Sam's team who lost his father to cancer. 'Scuse my french, but Cancer is really an asshole. Forgive the profanity, but there is really no other word for it. As Sam choked up telling me about his friend, I tried to console him and my words felt stuck in my throat and I felt like my stomach was full of rocks...WHY does "someone like me survive"....and not others? Twisted. I know.
You see, life has been kind of rough all the way around for years..and sometimes I feel like, "Why even bother?" We've spent a lot of time and energy trying to follow Gods will and I'm kind of in a "What the heck?" mood. Nothing I do seems to make a difference.
I come from a tradition that screams, "Saved by grace through faith and not by works of the law." so I do not necessarily believe my actions result in salvation, but sometimes, it would be nice if my actions would result in a little good news in the "here and now" not only in an "end time" which I cannot even begin to imagine. I understand and believe that faith is reflected in how we handle adversity. I am trying hard to see silver linings, but to be honest...sometimes the tarnish gets to me.
I do not have the patience nor the faith of Job, it would seem. Sometimes, I feel as if I do not even have the faith of a mustard seed...I have the shaken and fractured faith of a woman who doesn't ever have to wait long for the other shoe to drop...on her head, as the can of spaghettios falls on her bare foot.
This is me. It's real. My kids struggle and sometimes the only help I can offer is hugs and love them with everything I have (and it doesn't ever seem to be enough). I like to listen to (sing along with and dance to) loud rock music with lyrics I wouldn't want my kids to sing along to (that's what ear buds and car rides by myself are for..so I either sing along at the top of my lungs or I'm dancing around the kitchen to music no one else can hear), I enjoy a cocktail every once in a while, good books (good being relative), social media, walking on the beach, bad reality TV (had to throw that in, hehe) and lots of other things. I struggle with problems and questions. My home is in a constant state of clutter...wonderful blessings of "chaos." There's never enough time or money or peace. I am imperfect and rarely truly "at peace". I am seeking my true self instead of fulfilling the expectations of others and trying not to be selfish and hurt the ones I love in the process. (Talk about a delicate balance...)
This is me. It's real. My kids struggle and sometimes the only help I can offer is hugs and love them with everything I have (and it doesn't ever seem to be enough). I like to listen to (sing along with and dance to) loud rock music with lyrics I wouldn't want my kids to sing along to (that's what ear buds and car rides by myself are for..so I either sing along at the top of my lungs or I'm dancing around the kitchen to music no one else can hear), I enjoy a cocktail every once in a while, good books (good being relative), social media, walking on the beach, bad reality TV (had to throw that in, hehe) and lots of other things. I struggle with problems and questions. My home is in a constant state of clutter...wonderful blessings of "chaos." There's never enough time or money or peace. I am imperfect and rarely truly "at peace". I am seeking my true self instead of fulfilling the expectations of others and trying not to be selfish and hurt the ones I love in the process. (Talk about a delicate balance...)
So yesterday I woke up in the wee small hours of the morning feeling all anxious about things out of my control. (What is not out of my control, other than my responses?) All day, even as I acknowledged that handing it over to God was the thing to do, I worried and wondered and found new things to add to my pile of anxieties.
What I should be doing, what I could be doing, is rejoicing in the blessings, living in the moment and letting God handle things. My worry is not going to change a single thing and will end up sucking up my joy and the joy of those around me.
Last night, I went to bed saying, "Thank You, Lord, for Your provision and blessings. You have provided me with enough and I am going to lean on You and trust in Your word." It is a tough habit to break, to not say, "Thank You, but..." .
To steal a dear friend's phrase, "I'm seeking the balance between edgy and respectable." I am certainly not Job (long O).
The best place I've found peace, friends.....is in prayer. 2nd best place? This blog. My space. Welcome.
It was tiring. I think the only time I wasn't worried was when I was squeezing in an afternoon nap.
At some point it hit me that I am thankful for God's provision, for His hand working in my life and yet...I don't trust Him to follow through. I was still on guard and I was still trying to think through and plan for worst case scenarios. I wonder if next to the phrase, "What are we going to do if fill in the blank happens?" there is a picture of my 'deranged-with-anxiety' face.
I don't trust God? Really? Is that where I'm going?
You see, I offer Him my life, but then I want to be sure to micro-manage as much as possible. I feel responsible for anticipating all the worst case scenarios, expecting them even. After all, anticipating them means I will have a plan, right? WRONG! All it means is that I have missed out on the joy of today worrying about possible sorrows of tomorrow, most of which never come to pass.
It also means I do not trust God to take care of me. I say He has my life. I say I am thankful for His provision and then I doubt His goodness. I say He is my portion and then my heart and mind and actions show how little I trust in Him.
I remember exactly where I was when this clicked in my head last night. I was walking up the hallway to check on the kids, feeling the weight of so many things on my shoulders when I realized I was saying I trusted God, but never expecting Him to follow through. That realization took my breath away. Am I all talk, no faith? I didn't think so. I mean I have faith. I believe He is enough and that He will provide. He always does. I just don't always walk the walk.
I worry everything to death. I over-analyze, prepare and plan. I want to do something, to have a hand in things and be in control. In effect, whenever I recognize and am thankful for God's blessings in my life, it is my habit to say, "Thanks but, fill in the blank with whatever could go wrong."
What I should be doing, what I could be doing, is rejoicing in the blessings, living in the moment and letting God handle things. My worry is not going to change a single thing and will end up sucking up my joy and the joy of those around me.
Last night, I went to bed saying, "Thank You, Lord, for Your provision and blessings. You have provided me with enough and I am going to lean on You and trust in Your word." It is a tough habit to break, to not say, "Thank You, but..." .
To steal a dear friend's phrase, "I'm seeking the balance between edgy and respectable." I am certainly not Job (long O).
The best place I've found peace, friends.....is in prayer. 2nd best place? This blog. My space. Welcome.
In Him,
Terri
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