I've found myself still in unfamiliar territory of "life after cancer." Or rather, "life after chemo." The readjustment back to normal life. The thing is....life "before" is gone. The cancer....while in remission.....isn't physically present....But this cancer changed my life. As much as I can dance around it.....as much as I can talk myself into "being ok".....Some days? I'm just not. Some days....I can go all day without really talking or thinking about my cancer. I take that back.....Its my new normal, when I look in the mirror of course. My body looks like a road map traveled by "Edward Scissorhands." Topped with Billy Idol hair and all my "hail damage", I am a sight!
Most days? I have this ever present joy and happiness around me that I appreciate. God has...in many ways....attacked me with joy. So much so, that I really wouldn't change much about the last couple of years. My scars remind me where I've been.
Some days though. Its lonely. Friends I used to talk to daily, are busy with their lives. Family that were there, are miles away. The feeling of comfort and care of others has dissipated like the cancer. Almost as if the chemo killed it too. Not that I miss the "attention"...which is what is looks like I'm whining about. Back then? I felt so crummy that sometimes I wanted to run and hide. I've learned that people who fight an illness need others....and the love, care and concern from others long after their battle. The emotional part of the fight starts long after the physical one.
I'm tired. When I'm tired....I write in bullet points. So here is what I have to say to the darn cancer.....:)
Because of you, I'm scared for my children.
Because of you, my faith was shaken, pretty much to the core.
Because of you, only a few understand me.
Because of you, I'm ALWAYS tired.
Because of you, I'm lonely.
Because of you, I'm ugly. You took my womanhood.
Because of you, I feel I can't do anything right.
Because of you, I forget a lot of things.
Because of you, I am fat.
Because of you, I make silly mistakes.
Because of you, I feel depressed.
Because of you, I'm moody.
Because of you, I don't sleep well at night.
Because of you, I drop things and stumble more than I used to.
Because of you, I'm angry.
Because of you, I can't enjoy many things I used to.
Because of you, I can't relax.
Because of you, I question myself every day.
Because of you, I feel I have to prove myself to others.
Because of you, I'm scared of judgment.
Because of you, I worry all the time.
Because of you, I'm uncertain about my tomorrow.
Because of you, many important relationships changed.
Because of you, I am grumpy.
Because of you, I was robbed of valuable memories of and with my children.
Because of you, I'm financially impaired.
Because of you, I have a blob of metal in my chest, that is "BETTER" than getting stuck in my "good arm".
Because of you, I have to have scans every 3 months. TERRIFYING scans.
Because of you, I have lost a part of me.
HOWEVER.....Here is the best part!
Because of you, My faith has GROWN for my LORD.
Because of you, I have re-prioritized my LIFE and am saved by GRACE.
Because of you, I've learned who LOVES me.
Because of you, I reach out to others, no matter MY feelings for them.
Because of you, silly things no longer matter.
Because of you, I am STRONGER.
Because of you, I know my limitations.
Because of you, I've received more FRIENDS.
Because of you, I receive more PRAYERS.
Because of you, I FORGIVE quicker.
Because of you, I appreciate my BLESSINGS.
Because of you, I am THANKFUL.
Because of you, I am not afraid to PRAISE.
Because of you, I choose JOY.
Because of you, I've learned who I AM.
Because of you, I've FOUND me.
Because of you, I'm fighting for a CURE.
"She is clothed in strength and dignity....and laughs without fear for the future." Proverbs 31:25
I recite this daily. And hope to someday believe it.
We've come a long way, baby! :)
In Him,
Terri
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