Isn't it strange how you can feel one way about something one day.....and feel completely different about it the next? Guess that's why my mom always advised me to "just sleep on it".....because chances are that I often feel differently in the morning.
Well, this week? My emotions are all over the place. I have been looking forward to September 21, 2012 for about 5 months now. My last treatment! And I know I've blogged about it before....but with the last treatment comes a vulnerable feelings. That I'm no longer "doing anything" to fight the big bad cancer. I HATE chemo. It's positively the worst thing, physically and emotionally, that I've ever had to go through. But there is a part of me that is terrified of being finished with it. I'm weird, I know.
I left the Doc Monday, feeling confident and reassured. But in the days since, I've found my self feeling so unsettled and afraid. I even let myself "google" again. I had myself dead by bedtime. Geesh. I was a glutton for punishment. Reality is this.....Triple Negative is a mean monster. There is absoulutely nothing I can do to "prevent" a recurrance. One article stated that researchers can't even get a handle on it because the majority of patients do not live long enough to do adequate trials. Wow. That was like taking a bullet. Most all Triple Negative BC does recur and most will recur sooner rather than later.
Another stated that the 5 year survival rate was much lower than other types of BC, but less after the "5 year mark". Nobody likes to think of their own life in the terms of "5 years"......That is the blink of an eye. Several articles state that Triple Negative BC are most common among those who test positive for the BRAC gene mutation.....the "breast cancer gene." Since Arkansas BC/BS are essentially making my life almost as scary as the cancer, I don't know for sure that I have this gene. I can't get my test results. But since I have the triple neg....most likely I do. Makes me tear up everytime my child walks by.
I take comfort in the fact that so many are praying for me. The prayers are heard and answered, I know this. But I'm now asking that everyone please pray for a cure!!!! The thought of my Sydney EVER facing this is almost too much for me to bear. Another reason why the Lord may have taken my mother home years ago.....so she wouldn't have to endure my struggle. Our generation has to find a cure. There just isn't an option.
Satan has been working overtime this week to shake my faith. I'm ashamed....he gets to me at times. Sometimes the fear is so extreme, that I can't eat or sleep. Sometimes, it hits me out of nowhere and I have to just collect myself. I will be holding my breath until Oct 15, when I get the next set of scans. And then it will be another 3 months until I can exhale again......I long to be "dancing with NED".....Ned is appropriately named as "No Evidence of Disease". I want to dance with Ned forever!!! And then I want to introduce Ned to my child.....and to every woman around me that could be faced with this.
As Robin Roberts said.....we HAVE to love and pray for one another. But more importantly, we have to find a darn cure. There won't be another prayer going up from my heart that doesn't ask God for that specific thing. A cure. Of course, I am praying specifically this week that tomorrow's "poison" go straight to any evidence of cancer or pre-cancerous cells and ATTACKS! And of course, I pray that my fight is over forever. And I pray that I learn to live with the fear and not let it take over my spirit. But, if a recurrance leads to help in finding a cure and saves my Sydney.....and the future of other women.....God, let YOUR will be done.
Satan has tried to get a firm hold on me this week. But my God has a purpose for me. I intend to tell everyone I know about his blessings that He has placed and revealed to me throughout my immediate fight. And I say to you, Satan, if the cancer comes back.....I'll fight like a faithful servant once again!! I feel the need to change the name of Cancer to "Fluffy" or something equally as lame. Fluffy doesn't sound so big and scary, now does it??? :) Fluffy is not welcome here......
One last article I read, assured women like me, with the triple negative, to not panic. That we just have to know our bodies, listen to our doctors, keep the checkups, live a healthy lifestyle, and above all trust in God. It's not a coincidence that I ran across that particular article. God knows our destiny. No matter WHAT we do, or the doctors do.....is HIS plan. And He is perfect. His will has no mistakes. So with that....I had to write until I settled myself down and worked through the fear to get to a point that I can find inner peace again.
I look forward to getting my life back to a "new normal." To love my children completely. To let all mistakes of the past go.....as they don't deserve a second of my time left. To make sure that my children look back on all of their beautiful childhood memories and the majority of them include ME! :) To be the kind of friend that I want! To reach out to those who are hurting, even if I don't know them that well. To fight my insurance company until the day I die....or until I win. To financially get stable again.....enough to own my own home and to drive a decent vehicle. To be a good steward of my money and to first give the Lord what is already His. To have a savings account! And to teach my children to always save for situations such as the one we have found ourselves in. To be the best employee I can be and honor God at the office as well as out of the office. To pray. Fervently and Honestly. And to teach my children to spend time with God every single day. To support to the best of my ability the causes to find a cure. So that no other family is affected like ours has been. To always say prayers for my medical team that the Lord bless them as they have blessed me. To be a loving mother and friend to my children. To give my whole heart in every relationship....from David.....to my friends and family. And spend the rest of my days being gracious to those who have helped us through this......and continually lift each and every one up in prayer as they have me and that may He bless each one 10-fold. (And yes, I have a list....and thier names are in my prayer journal!) I plan to praise God for it all and to remember to thank Him every single day. Most importantly, I plan to try to live in His favor so that others feel the need to come to Him in my presence. All in all, to be a Proverbs 31 woman! These things.....are my bucket list.
One month from today is Arkansas Largest' support of the Breast Cancer Fight. Race for the Cure. I am honored to have 36 women who have already registered to walk with me. I look at the list and pray over each one as I check it daily. I pray for their cause and the heros that have inspired them to stand beside me. It is important to me that whomever chooses to walk on my team know that it isn't for ME. Everyone has their own personal reasons for joining in the fight. So please know that by joining "Team Terri" -- you are gaining other team members to stand beside you for your hero! :) I gotta get my hiney to walkin! :)
Here is the link: Please feel free to share and invite friends!
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2568&team_id=219501
Let's kick "Fluffy" to the curb! :)
In Him,
Terri
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