Words

I have found myself alone. Totally alone on a Friday night. YEAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Sambo is at the Pure Energy Retreat at FBC tonight. Sydney is with Chloe. My David is working. I have the remote ALLLL to myself and Couldn't wait to get back on this blog! Go figure!!  Yet again, this white screen staring back at me for a few minutes not certain where to begin. I've stepped out of my comfort zone a little by putting all my feelings "out there" either for the world to see (or no one! Ha) ....but I now understand the therapeutic nature of journaling. I'm dealing with number of different feelings, all of which I think I've experienced TODAY. Putting my thoughts, prayers, fears, feelings into words makes them "real." Ive gotten quite a bit of positive feedback about this blog of my journey....and I thank your for your kind words.

Words. Funny how words are so powerful. Someone once told me that "Words can kill...and words can heal."  Boy how true that is. Words can touch the extreme of every emotion.

Today, my morning started pretty uneventful. Got the kiddos up and around, off to work for the normal busy Friday. Of course I'm continuing to get the sweetest most caring "words" from people that have been a part of my life either now, or ar some point during the last 25-30 years. I still find myself reflecting on the past few days yet again....as so many things warmed my heart. I want to share a few more.....I never want to forget. Ever.

Prayer Circle:
I talked about my baseball family a little. You will probably find that I will talk about them a lot. But last Thursday, the day after my surgery....and the day that pathology confirmed my diagnosis, the Panthers played in Sheridan. I rode with Deb to the game. I had worked all day, and by game time I was pretty pooped. Truth is, I probably overdid it just a tad. But unless my Syd is on a stage somewhere....I just dont miss ball games! Ive joked that they may have to roll me in in a wheelchair with a pukebucket....but I'll be there! :) After a double header, I was about tuckered out when Karen asked if she could lead a prayer circle for me. She led the sweetest prayer I may have ever heard. It was a beautiful thing to know that I was being lifted before God by these sweet people. I learned later that the players had already prayed for "Sam's Mom." Words again that made my heart smile!

Ella:
During college, I worked in a grocery store as a checker part-time. While there, there was a stocker that worked there named Adam. Haven't seen Adam in 20 years, but reconnected on Facebook. By "reconnected" I mean we became "facebook friends". He wrote to me a couple of days ago, sending caring words and prayers, but most importantly to share with me that his 8 year old daughter, Ella, would be playing softball in a Komen "Pitch For The Cure" tournament this summer. He is trying to explain to her exactly what she is playing for and he shared my story with her. He told me that Ella would be playing for me. I can't tell you how much that mean to me. I immediately wrote to him asking for his address. With his permission, I am going to begin writing to my little friend, Ella,and sharing with her how people like her will find a cure. He shared with me that they would be reading my blog together. So time out for a minute while I say hello to my new friend. "Ella....you are precious and I hope to meet you someday! You will be getting some mail from me soon!". :))

"Baby Daddy": :))
He may not like this one bit, but I have to give props to my children's dad, John. He has been so supportive of not only the children but of me as well. He and "Jody" are planning to be there when I have my surgery this week. They both have checked on me and the kiddos, and I am so grateful to be able to co-parent with such caring people. I realize how lucky I am to have a Godly man as a father for my children who respects me as a good mother. Despite our past differences....he still cares for my well-being and has put it into words for me this past week. God bless John and Jody. I know that if something should happen to me....my children will be ok.

My afternoon was filled with laughter because my office got a visit from Ang. She sings to me via video text almost daily and even takes requests!!! :) One thing is for certain....I've got some pretty hefty "blackmail material" if I ever should need it! :) We always share laughs.....she didn't think I was too much of a dork when I told her about getting Sam's Under Armor skull cap on (that he wears under his football helmet), with his flat bill baseball cap, complete with two sports bras, just to see what I'm going to look like with no hair and no boobies! :). Please laugh, because I was a sight!! (ok....TMI....sorry!)

After she left, I had an epiphany of sorts. I dont know how to accept such love and generosity. I feel so undeserving. You see? I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Many I'm not proud of. Many that I have been forgiven for and forgiven myself for over the years. I guess we have all hurt others at one time or another. We have all made mistakes that we hope can learn from and keep buried in the past. At that moment, sitting in my office, I called David in tears, and he reminded me, unknowingly, that once I truly accepted Christ as my Savior and received HIS forgiveness....I found that His children who truly believe in Him and His grace also forgave me too. I laid my burden of guilt and shame on Him and my life changed. I can so see a difference in my life since I made Jesus the boss of it. Am I perfect? Nope. Am I a saint? No way. But I vow each day that He either work through me or in spite of me and my actions be pleasing to Him. That is what He asks of us. And sadly, I've not always answered His call.

That the thing about forgiveness and grace....it gives you a clean slate. It gives you a "do-over.". It keeps you from having to disclose a resume of past mistakes to your present relationships. When I laid it at the cross....I took with me my lessons learned and buried it. Forever. Not to "hide it" but to be removed from it. This gift isn't just for me because I am special. It's for all of us. And once accepted, it will change your life. Some say people can't change. Maybe not alone, but Christ can change people. Anyone who knows me and loves me..... Knows that.

The "woe is me" attitude stuck around most of the late afternoon. I shed a few tears while playing the "where do I pick Sam up today" game. The darn kid never tells me where he will be.....football complex, baseball field, Jr high! The silly boy better start answering that phone! :) Anyway, that child showed me so much love on the short car ride home. Right there is something that is real and right! Either THROUGH me or IN SPITE of me. That boy has the Lord in him! :). His words calmed my brokenness that others' words over the years had triggered in me.

We headed to the church for the Choir Tour Parent meeting.....just walking in that place brought me immediate peace. Surrounded by friends and church family who asked about me with genuine concern. As I sat there listening to the itinerary of Choir Tour, (all the way to Chicago!) and feeling so grateful that my Sam gets this experience, I was reminded where my focus should be. A few rows over.....where Sam sat, a few miles down the road, where my Sydney was, and straight ahead at the cross. Clay's prayer reminded me that my Jesus doesn't care what we have done wrong. He loves me anyway.

I'm still struggling with how I can possibly deserve the goodness around me......But I can promise that I strive to now live for Him. And to lead others to Him. To teach my children to know and follow.  While I still fall short of His glory....his gift to us each day is that we can "start over".  That gift of amazing grace.

While I've been a bundle of nerves all night, bailed on garage-sale'n with Becca (sorry!), I began to feel a calmness when Ang called to check on me from the choir retreat and to tell me that the parent leaders had prayed for me. Her words were such a comfort.

This post is bit of a downer.....I'm sorry! I've utilized my down time for reflection and shared it here. My formatting may be a little off....as I'm blogging from the iPad tonight. Too lazy for my computer. :).

Please remember your promise to pray for us.....May the blessings of your words lift others up. You never know how it can change them!

Goodnight and much love, Terri