Today, I feel weird. Not necessarily a "bad" kind of weird. But just weird! Lol I got up and went to the office again, worked most of the day and came home middle of the afternoon to rest. I think I'm having a little bit of anxiety about going to see the Doc tomorrow. I've not gotten very good news in the few times I've been through those doors. So the nerves are beginning to set in a little.
I am hoping for a few things:
1) To lose these flippin drains!! They are not my friends. Ugggggghhhh! Not only are they painful....they are difficult to hide under clothing. One slipped out from under my blouse today and I thought my poor boss was going to faint! Poor guy. :) They really aren't the most attractive accessories. I know my Syd and my sweet David will be glad to be rid of these as well. They have been the ones to aid in the "draining & measuring" process. This is love, I tell ya!
2) Hoping to be released to drive. I hate being grounded and a constant burden to others.
3) Hoping for some definitive answers regarding my game plan. Lumpectomy? Check! Bone Scans? Check...and Clear! CT Scan? Check! Double Masectomy? Check! Lymph Nodes? 4 removed and clear. I'm no genius but I am assuming that means I am "cancer free". But I would REALLY like to hear those words. I would really like to know that anything from here on out is strictly preventative and to rebuild what has been taken.
I am hoping for the best but fearing the worst. Every person on my medical team has advised me that most likely I will have chemo. "Chemo" has been a scary, scary word in my family for many many years. I remember during my mom's battle, we never really feared it would take her life. Or I didn't.....each triumph and each victory came when we heard the words...."No more chemo".
Of course, as a woman, I don't particularly want to go bald. But I am not scared to rock a cute scarf and have u seen the cute hats these days??? I can get me a cute wig and be done with it. My fear? Is the effects. I don't want to be sick. I'm not a good patient. Been told I'm "hard-headed," but I just don't have time to slow down. This is the difficult thing for me. I have to work. I have to chase my kids. I am their #1 fans in all they do!!
I fear the nausea, I fear the hair-loss, I fear the fatigue, I fear the needles. I fear my body being invaded by this "poison" that is designed to help me. Like my mom, I don't fear dying. I don't fear this cancer taking my life....at least now....but I fear the darn chemo. This surgery has already taken me more out of commission than I intended.
When I allow myself to "go there" and do things like google "stage 3".....I end up pretty scared of never seeing my grandchildren. I won't lie....when you see things like "40-50% 5 year survival rate" associated with MY diagnosis.....it's an eye-opener. 40- 50 %??? Really???? FIVE year survival rate?? FIVE? I want another 50! I keep hanging on to the Doc's words...."I have every reason to think that this is absolutely curable." Absolutely Curable. Within those two words lies a heck of a lot of hope for me. Thinking of things along those lines....makes a few rounds of chemo sorta ok. Let's just get the plan already!! For me, planning is bringing the future into the present so that I can begin to do something about it NOW! Its that "control" thing with me again. Part of my DNA. :)
The day was relatively uneventful....compared to others around here lately. Felt good to work a little and to know I will be drawing a little paycheck next week! :). I like routine. I like normality. I love my job....and am very happy to get back at least part of the time.
Chit chatted with my sweet Kara....what a blessing she is to me!! And she knows it. That...makes me smile!
I grew tired mid afternoon. Still experiencing some pain so I came on home, and like yesterday took a little (ok...a 2 hour!) nap. Nothing better than my blankie, a recliner and a couple of weenie dogs for some good rest!
Sweet Dione brought us a yummy dinner tonight, smiles, and hugs. Such a precious friend. Lord, we've been treated so wonderfully. My family has never eaten so good!! :) Becca and Justin came by for a little visit. I made them eat and take home some! We will never be able to eat it all! Enjoyed our visit and the laughs! My David was quite the jokester and in rare form. Was nice to visit with them....they are the cutest little couple!! :)
The kiddos both went to FBC's Spring Fling tonight. I so hated to miss it. Thought about trying to go for a bit, but have been having some pain this evening and didn't want to press it. They both came in hungry (Thank Goodness!) and full of stories about the evening.
I am reminded what precious blessings they are to me. Both came in with hugs and kisses....asking about my day before diving in to telling me about theirs. Tomorrow is the Spring Football game at the new complex. Sam received his jersey today....#21! He is pumped. Wild horses....breast cancer....drains....not able to drive....NOTHING will keep me from being there tomorrow night! Looking forward to watching him play and seeing the friends who have done so much for us the past few days.
So tomorrow brings with it "dreads and excitement". Kinda funny how things work. I've never felt stronger in my faith. I've never felt more at peace with my God....yet so uncertain about my future. In our "wounds"....we can find Light. I've searched myself deeply since my diagnosis and have chosen to live and focus on so many different things. Cancer can kill, yes....but for me it has killed lots of things that probably NEEDED to die. The Light in my Wounds. :))
Today, at the office, I inadvertently heard a phone conversation between someone in my office and a client. They were chit-chatting a little and he began to tell the voice on the other line about his Co-worker in the office who is a single mother about 40, who was working her hiney off to do the best for her two teenage kids.....and she just found out a couple of weeks ago she has breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy just last Wednesday and was already back at work with a smile. Took me a few seconds to sink in....that he was referring to ME. He said, "She has made me realize how small my problems are....and how big her faith is...". Wow. I had to excuse myself to the restroom to gather myself. I know I wasn't meant to hear the conversation, and I'm still trying to process all that is happening to me. The greatest words he said.....were "how big my faith is".....that...is the "light" in my "wounds". Pretty good stuff!
Some days I want to fall on my knees in prayer. Others I want to cuss like a truck driver! And sometimes, those emotions go back and forth in a matter of minutes. Just so many emotions!!!! Like I said, I feel weird! Lol
My appointment tomorrow is at 9 am. My precious David finally worked it out to be off work tomorrow (again! :( ) to drive me to my appointment. Deb is going to meet me there. She is my "medical agent" of sorts there to take in and explain what I may not understand, and ask what I may forget to ask. She is the sister I never had.....
Sidenote: My mother's childhood best friend, Judy, was a nurse. They remained close throughout the years. She always accompanied mom to her doctor appointments and such....such a blessing to our family and like a sister to my mother.
Deb is my "Judy". :). She always pulls her strings, and calms me with her sweet spirit, positive attitude, and cra-zzy sense of humor! Who knew doctor's offices could be such an adventure! :) I know I can trust her with my care, my fears, my faith, my kids, and my life. And you can bet, she will be there with me every step of the way....until I beat this monster....or until it takes me. I love her so very much!!! I am truly honored to have her as my friend.
While I have been rejoicing the fact that no cancer was in my lymph nodes, I am terrified it's still here....somewhere. My sweet mom had those small victories as well....but it never seemed to die. I am praying that the good Lord heal my body. I'm just not done being a mom. I'm just not done fixing everything I might have messed up over the years. I'm not done telling others about Jesus. I'm just not finished yet. In Him, I am finding my Hope. In my wounds....I am seeing His light.
One new perception....
One fresh thought.....
One act of surrender....
One change of heart....
One leap of faith.....
......can change your life forever.