I have truly stared at this blank space for a bit not knowing just where to start.....not that my life has been very eventful since my last post....but I've gone through a wealth of emotions! Long story short....I've had a pretty crappy week. :(
First, I'd like to share a word of praise...Our Emme did perfectly! The Good Lord and His team of doctors were able to successfully repair her heart and by all accounts she should be on her feet again in just 2 weeks! Took Syd to see her Thursday evening and we were able to sneak back to see her for a few minutes. She looked just beautiful, and there is nothing more comforting than seeing the pure relief shown on the faces of her sweet parents.
Unfortunately, not every parent there has the same look on their faces....and there are broken hearts everywhere. I've spent my fair share of time at ACH with my Sam....and still, everytime I leave there, I'm different. I'm reminded how incredibly blessed I am that I have healthy children!
Still, SO incredibly grateful for Emme's victory today.....She is such a precious child of God, and Syd's friendship with her is such a blessing. We had been a basket-case all day and her surgery was 4 hours long. So it was refreshing to walk in...to find her smiling and sipping sweet tea! :) God is so good!!!! I so hate it that my sweet friends had to endure such a scary time....but so incredibly happy that we ended with the "best scenario!"
Which brings me to this....Parents, do NOT settle for the "routine physicals" that some provide. INSIST on an EKG. I cannot allow myself to even think about what might have happened to sweet Emme, had she not have had that simple little test. She had NO symptoms, and during surgery, they repaired 9 irregular pathways. NINE! It was quite possibly a life-saving moment. My Sam and my Syd will have them.....from now on and forever more. We, at our house, are now calling it the "Emme Test"! :) It might mean that you can't just send 10 bucks and put them on a bus to get the physical.....but it could save their life. I'm standing behind my friend, Leigh, and will fight tooth and nail to get the word out.....with a passion as great as getting a mammogram. Before you stick your kids out in that heat.....get the EMME TEST! :)
We love you EM!!!!! :)))
This has been quite a busy week. Some ups and downs emotionally for sure. I'm a tad stressed about "life" in general....but am still overwhelmed by all the wonderful friends that continue to check on me....sweet gestures, texts, calls, emails, cards, meals.....They always seem to come at perfect times when I need an "uplifting" moment. God has given me a bigger support system that I could have ever imagined or deserved.
I've already blogged about my "meltdown" after visiting with Dr. Sneed. It continued throughout the week on a smaller level, and I've regressed a bit. I worked a 40 hour week and cleaned two houses this week. First time I've accepted a cleaning appointment since the surgery.....2 weeks to the day. Dr. Hagans said...."2 weeks".....and I thought I could handle it.
Bottom line....I'm bummed that my body just will not do what it is that I want and NEED it to do. I've taken alot of heat from loved ones on "doing too much," "Its too soon," blah blah blah. I appreciate, understand, and love their concern and they are probably right. BUT.....I have to work. Period. Period.
Not sure if my doing too much is even related....but I have appeared to be going backwards a little. Running a low grade fever for a few days, the pain is pretty intense.....and I've noticed a change in my drains. I called the doc and it appears one side is infected so I'm back on antibiotics. I am to see him first thing Tuesday. I'm planning to rest this weekend....(blogging from by big ole bed right now, watching bad tv!!).....so hopefully, nothing serious and I can move forward next week without the drains!!
Tomorrow is May 27. My mother would have been 60 years old. I know she is celebrating in Heaven...in the arms of our Savior. But, I've got a little too much alone time on my hands this weekend not to be a little bummed. I miss her so much. There are times when I (and I'm sure Jay, too) feel so robbed of FBC (!!!!!!!!) taking her from us at the age of only 49.....much too soon. My children were 3 and 14 months old. She never got to meet my brother's children. Today, I'm down right ticked off! She would have been "that mamaw" in all the baseball stands, football stands, dance audiences, school assemblies, church activities, basketball games......the miles would never have mattered.
Forgive me for "wallowing" just a bit. Tomorrow, I will blog and "celebrate" her.....I've got tons of funny stories....and I'll do my best to convey to those who never knew her, (which is everyone in my day to day life)...what a genuine, precious, happy, follower of Christ she was. Her smile lit up a room! And her laugh was contagious. She fought her cancer battle with such grace. I guess in many ways, she sacrificed her life to teach ME how to fight the good fight. I can only HOPE I can do it as graciously and faithfully as she did.
Friends, if you have parents still with you....savor every moment. Tell them you love them, share meals and laughter, make phone calls to them at least daily, say I love you!!!! and say it often. Hug them. Let them be a part of your life....as much as possible....and be a part of theirs! Mend fences....Forgive....and be a family! Losing a parent is incredibly hard, at any age, under any circumstances. There is so much I wish I'd have said. So much I wish I could say to her now. So many times I wish I could just have another week, a day, or even an hour with her. I wonder if she is proud of me. I wonder if she thinks I'm a good mom. I wonder if she is disappointed or wants to beat my hiney sometimes!
Happy Birthday Mom. Tomorrow....I will celebrate you. Today.....I am shedding a few tears. You taught me to fight. And I'm sorry that I was angry at you when you made the decision to stop chemo.....and I threw a classic Terri fit! I wasn't ready to give up...You said to me, "I am tired. They have done all they can do for me. You will be fine." I know you weren't "giving up"....you were going home. I take comfort that you are with Jesus....but please know....we miss you here!!!! My FBC (the "f" is "freakin"......she wouldn't DARE tolerate the other F word! hehe) fight is 110% dedicated to you and for you! I will not give up....and I will never lose faith.
In talking with a friend yesterday, I was having another "woe is me" day.....and she pointed out that my faith is so strong in the areas of my life that I can't control...i.e, cancer. But maybe I struggle with having complete faith in the areas of my life that I am not forced to give up control....i.e., finances, career, relationships. Wow....punch me in the stomach. She is absolutely right!!!!!! Our faith is entirely tested in areas where we are also given "free will"! Shane...you are so smart! :)
I had complete faith that sweet Emme would be just fine. And what a victory! I have total faith that my friend, Kim, will be back to herself very soon!
I have so much faith in my God that He will heal my own body....not entirely for me...but for my Sam and Sydney Clare. Do I continue to worry? Of course I do. Am I a bit scared? Definitely! But I know that if God's Will will lead you TO it, His Grace will lead you THROUGH it. Cliche, I know. But that is His promise to us. And He proves it to me daily. Even through the "bad news," I feel His comfort around me.
I have trouble relinquishing my faith to those worries that I guess I, in many ways, CAN control. My mom used to tell me that there are two things that you SHOULD worry about: 1) Those that you can do something about and 2) Those that ya can't! Think about that for a sec.....If ya can change it....then get off your rump and change it!! And if ya can't, then realize it and move forward. No reason to worry about it.
My prayers are to be able to not only give my cancer fight to Him. But to give Him ALLL my worries. Friends, please help me to do that. Sometimes, I just do not know how. I know I'm not alone....and that I have friends with the same struggles. That is my prayer today......to lay my worries at the foot of the cross.
I have a special day prepared for my mother's birthday tomorrow. Something I know would make her very happy. I hope my body will cooperate....just for a day. I will blog about the details tomorrow....wish me luck! :)
For now, more naps with my weenie dogs, and bad TV. Sam is at Wally Hall, and Syd at Magic Springs with Chloe. The silence is deafening but a tad welcoming today. Continued prayers for Emme's recovery, my precious Kim who is facing surgery this week, and others who have unspoken needs and hurts....you know who you are...and HE knows your needs.
Blessings for a safe and happy holiday weekend! :) I can do ALLLL things through Christ....who strengthens me. Phil 4:13