Cancer Catwalk

This week I'm jumpin WAY out of my comfort zone, y'all.  From my "comfort zone" to the "catwalk"....literally.

I have the honor of participating in the "Runway For a Cause" whereby proceeds benefit the Arkansas Affiliate of Susan G. Komen.  All of the models will be dressed in fashions by local boutiques and are breast cancer survivors.

You can read all about it here!  :)

It wasn't until I went to the "meet & greet" recently, which was an informational meeting over "wine and goodies" with the committee and the other models that I realized just how BIG this thing is.  They raised about $75,000 last year....and this year, when 850 tickets were sold out, they are scrambling to add more tables to sell more tickets.  Wow. That's a lot of folks.  The venue is HUGE and little ole' me is going to strut down the runway in what will inevitably be in front of about 1000 people????  For the last couple of weeks, thinking about it has made me sick and feel like this MUST be worse than cancer......

For you see?  I have never thought of myself as pretty by society's standards.  Shorter than most.....Heavier than I should be....Hair that never really does what I want it to....ya get the jist. However...there HAVE been times that I FELT pretty.  Don't get me wrong...I didn't wear a bag over my head and let it affect me or depress me. Vanity was never that big of a deal.  

But since cancer???  Not once. I can honestly say....that not one time have I felt pretty.  Again....I'm not really a vain person, but sometimes...it sorta does get to me.  Once I described my body as a place where Edward Scissorhands has played Connect-The-Dots.  I've been cut armpit to armpit....twice.  Distorted.  Ugly.  The steriods, the hormonal changes, and most likely age (and ok....since I always write from a place of honesty....the donuts) have packed the pounds on me,  I just can't get this weight off no matter how hard I try.  My hair.  EVERY single person I have ever known who lost their hair to chemo....it came back different from before.  I was like...YES!  Nope....I got the same ole thick..."just enough curl to cause problems" hair.  And, cancer caused it to be gray!!  (That's my story and I'm stickin to it!)  :)  Thank goodness for great colorists!  <3

A double mastectomy is brutal.  3 years later and I'm still not the same.  Physically or Emotionally.  Due to my insurance woes....Reconstruction was really never a viable option.  And by the time ya beat cancer AND the "Red Devil"???  Who really cared??  I didn't.  Nothin can make me look better nekkid.  :)  So I've got my fake boobies on a shelf in my closet should they ever matter.  I've had them on twice.  The day I got them and when I was a bridesmaid in a wedding.  I'm still undecided if they will accompany me down the runway on Thursday.  They are sorta like a statement of being something that I'm just not.  Weird....I know.

If I hear one more time...."Who cares?  You're alive!  You beat it!" I think I will punch someone.  While, I'm so happy to have beat it.  And SO happy to continue walking through the spider web and dodging the spider bite....it still succcckkkksssss... 
Forgive me...I don't really like using ugly words....but there really is no worthy equivalent. Yes, I'm healthy and alive.  But, it STILL took alot from me.  And from all who fight it.

As I was driving to work this morning....feeling fat and so UN-modelish, and counting down the days....not to this event....but to when this event was OVER...God spoke to me.  The message of the day on KLove was this, "If you are called to do something that is normally out of your character....then it is most likely GOD giving you a little nudge."  A lady called in to the show to say that she was in a public place with a woman obviously in the middle of a cancer fight.  She was pale, and weak and appeared to be exhausted.  She had a scarf on her head to hide her baldness.  The caller explained that....SO out of her character...she was given the urge to just walk over and hug her.  No matter how hard she tried....she couldn't resist and just hugged the lady tightly.  She explained that God was guiding her just then....to go out of her normal comfort zone, and extend love.

While this really isn't the same thing....it sorta is.  In two days....I get the opportunity to meet and be among 48 other women who have SURVIVED breast cancer.  Who have been through the surgeries and the chemos and the radiations and the fears and even the love.  These women have FOUGHT and WON!  Some are fighting and may just need MY story!  Bear with me a sec....but if each of these 48 women have at least 5 loved ones.  5 people who think that SHE is one of the most important women in their world....be it a spouse, partner, child, sister, parent, grandparent, friends.....That is 240 additional people that this disease reached.  And I get to celebrate WITH and AMONG them.  What a privilege!!!

It has already allowed me to spend some time catching up with my sweet friend, Dana....who was one of my greatest encouragers and heroes during my fight.  She will be the envy of everyone with her inward and outer beauty.  Cute as a button!  And, also Michelle...a friend from my childhood home and church home.  God made sure I wasn't alone.

These incredible fighters get it!  They understand the chemo brain.....and all the memories lost because of it.  That is why I blog and facebook so often.  I'm CONVINCED that Timehop was created by a "Chemo Survivor".....:)  My kiddos will forever have my words.  Forever.  And I will always have my life reminders of my posts.    

They understand the struggle with eyesight, and weight gain, and oncology checkups.  They realize the pain of simple things like a seatbelt and trying to scratch an itch in the middle of their back.  

They understand the personal kick in the stomach every single time they hear of someone around them with a new diagnosis.  If you could write a letter to a new Survivor Sister....This is what it would look like: Dear Terri...You have Cancer.

I've met with my vendors...and to be completely honest -- I left both places feeling inadequate.  Not necessarily because THEY made me feel this way....but because I don't feel worthy.  Both boutiques were beautiful and the clothes exquisite.  Price tags so out of my reach that this will be the only time I  can even DREAM of wearing these clothes.  I worry that I don't do them justice.  Or make anyone want to rush and purchase them.  In fact....the mere ticket to an event like this is out of my budget.

I have visions of the scene from Sex in the City where Carrie wore 6 inch heels to appear taller and after about 4 steps down the runway she took a flying fall and the models stepped over her like roadkill.  haha  As THIS 5'3" rolly polly steps into her mile high clog booties on Thursday....I just PRAY I can walk up there with the big girls without a casualty!  <3  While a part of me wishes I can lose 50 lbs and grow about 6 inches in 2 days....I know that is not a "realistic prayer."  :)

Then it hit me.  THIS isn't what it is about.  This is a celebration of Survivorhood.  This is a fun event for ladies who enjoy fashion.  This is a way to raise funds for a cure!  And for mammograms and for prevention.  For ladies JUST like me who didn't have insurance (or rather one that would pay.)  This is a way that I can give back.

I stand in a room once a week and I lead prayer for my children and their teams to simply do their best and honor Him.  I was instrumental in starting a ministry that's primary focus was to give it ALL to God, and let Him bless our efforts.  I was reminded this morning to do just that.  Time to do a little practicin' of what I've been preachin'....

So today?  I have a newfound joy in the events this week.  I splurged and got a mani/pedi.  I'm getting a spray tan and I had my hair did.  I will be wearing beautiful clothes specifically picked for me and I will have two of the best friends in the world there for ME.  I will meet new heros and inevitably be touched by bone-chilling inspiration.  I will be there early to sip mimosas and have my "hair and makeup did!"  For a few moments...I will strut my stuff, y'all.  

I think my mom would be so happy to see me on Thursday.  She would have been my biggest fan!
As always...I'm reminded what she used to say about anything that worried me...."Pray about it...and just put on some lipstick!"  I even wrote about that once....here.

You can bet...I won't be the prettiest.  I won't be the skinniest.  I may even stumble in those big ole shoes....But, rest assured.....I will be walking for my God.  For HE is always with me.  My God carried me through cancer...and all that entailed.  My God gave me Deb....who is STILL fighting for me...I still wonder how that lady got a ticket!  lol  My God gave me Kel....who never lets me down.  These girls are gonna have special jewels in their heavenly crowns for always being MY friend!  haha  There are others who are supporting me in spirit....and will no doubt lift me in prayer that day.
And...who knows??  For just a blip in time....I just might FEEL pretty. :)

I feel led to share the one and only picture I have of my "bald days"....a simple reminder of what cancer looks like....

It was during this time, that while I didn't feel "pretty"....I never felt more loved.

This Catwalk's for you, my Lord!  <3

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 4:6-7

In Him,

Terri

I'm Nobody?

".....start worrying about your own family, chick.  Hell, your not even married to this man.  So, your nobody."  This is a quote....so don't chastise me, grammar police!  :)

This was the end of a recent facebook posting. About me.  Apparently, I'm "nobody."  One more tidbit...it was written by the biological mother of my new sons.  A woman that I've laid eyes on one time in the 4+ years that I've known and loved this man.  A woman who has NOTHING to do with her children.  A woman who has resided right across the street from them for months and hasn't seen them.  A woman who hasn't had custody of them in ELEVEN years.  (note....the youngest is 12.  HER youngest is even younger....and not with her, either.)  A woman who hasn't inquired about them, made contact with us, OR them....at all.

That above statement almost laughable. Until, you reallllly sit and think about it.  Sad.   Sad....is what it is.

I come tonight asking for prayers.  I am wide awake with no sleep in sight.  Prayers for an impossible situation.  Almost like a "cancer".....and we all know that I know quite a bit about that.  Prayer for my bitter heart and lack of understanding.  For I will NEVER be able to understand or condone the actions of a bad mother.  Being a parent is such a gift.  A blessing straight from the heavens that should be the most important role one should EVER play.  As a mother.....I would claw the eyes out of ANYONE who tried to hurt my children.  Of ANYONE who would try to take them from me. 

The day my children were placed upon my chest....My life was forever changed.  While the road hasn't always been easy, I hope and pray that when I stand before my God, He WILL say to me "Well done, my faithful child....."   My children and I have survived death, divorce, cancer, financial struggles.....all of it.  But we are a team.  They know to seek Jesus.  Whether because of me or in SPITE of me....they know that they are loved.  Motherhood is a job I've never taken lightly.  

In addition, I've always respected not only the father of my children, but his wife as well.  I've never wanted my children to be torn.  I've always said...there is room enough in their hearts for all of us.  And I believe that.  Time after time, we can all come together for the needs of our children.  We can share meals together.  And Senior Nights.  And dorm move-ins. Baptisms.  All of their special moments.  Its about THEM.  Always.  I'd like to think we have always co-parented well.  I say all of that, to let you know my stance on dealing with "exes".  All who know me....know that about me.  And well.

I just don't get it.  I'm trying not to judge....but how can you have children and not raise them?  How can you walk away?  How can you place greed and selfishness above them and their needs?  How can you exhibit such ignorance as to post something so ugly about A) someone you've NEVER met and B) someone who is LOVING YOUR CHILDREN???  Lord, come quickly.

A few facts....for the need of specific prayers.
My David is a lineman.  10 years ago....he had custody of his children when he was called away out of state to work Hurricane Katrina.  The children went to stay with their grandmother who became their guardian.  While this was before I knew him, a part of me is angry at him for leaving them then.  However, the man had to work and provide. So, I'm praying about giving total grace to that decision.  He has paid his child support....enough that she hasn't had to work, mind you....and has loved his children very much.

Unfortunately, a single dad who has had to travel for work (home about 2-4 days a month!)....he relied on "Grandma."  When I met him, he coached their ball teams, and his life was the boys.  His goal has always been to work his way up in the company....out of having to travel.....so that his boys can come live with him.  

I will admit.  That when I began dating David....being a stepmother to 4 children wasn't in the cards.  I even told him as much.  I'm aware that makes me appear to be a monster...but, I had survived a messy failed marriage, with not the best relationships with my stepchildren.  I had been burned.  And hurt.  I had my own "stuff". Made my own mistakes in that arena. I'm a "few" years older than David....and little ones were a job!  FOUR?  were impossible.  I was struggling to make ends meet.  I then got sick.  Cancer took over our world.  David stood by me, and even though he could have left, helped me to parent my own two.  He shared with me a few months ago, that it was in the very beginning....that he began praying for God to change my heart.  To OPEN my heart.  He shared that one of the things he admired most about me was the kind of mother I am.  He wanted that for his boys.

Know that I have tried to have the utmost respect for the boys' grandmother.  She stepped in when David couldn't....and gave them their needs.  Where was their mother, you ask?  A mystery to me.  No judgement.  Just facts.  Ok....I'm fibbing.  Maybe, a little judgment.  Again, I'm seeking to understand.  My heart isn't ready to offer that grace to her just yet.  That's a place where I need prayer.  For I'm trying, friends.

When I made the declaration, 5 years ago...."I'll never date a man with children!".....I ate my words a few short weeks ago.  We began the process over the last year, for the boys to come and live with us.  They were begging and pleading. Every weekend when it came time to take them back....there were tears.  We were in a position to have them.  It was time.  It had also started to become painfully to light...that while the boys were living there, they were simply existing.  I remember asking once... what their favorite meals were?  Nobody answered.  They fended for themselves most of the time.  Sandwiches.  Cereal.  

It has been a TREAT to have a home-cooked meal every night.  To have a bed.  One informed me that he had been sleeping on the floor.  To be loved and have guidance and even discipline.  Yes...I think they even love our routines.  We have it like a well-oiled machine, my friends.  I believe in my heart...that their homelife until now...has been one of survival.  Not of nurture.  Of love.  Of family.  My heart is simply broken for these precious children.

After months of getting the change of custody in motion....and lack of cooperation...we had told the boys that it may be a little longer and we would have to take extreme measures.  We wanted to be amicable.  To do these the right way.  Now, I have found myself in a place of having to be an advocate for these children.  THE DAY before school started.....the boys were told they were no longer welcome at Grandma's house.  She left them a voicemail....kicking them out.  A voicemail.  To your grandchildren, after a visit to their dad's..."you don't live here anymore."  Let that sink in for a second.

PRAISE GOD!  Myself, and my village...got them enrolled in school, placed them in football, found them clothes and beds and school supplies and everything they needed to be a part of our family.  Our world.

ALL of their information purposely withheld from us....birth certificates, social security cards, Insurance information, shot records.....all of it.  And God's angels made it happen.  Everything fell into place that day....and our little town brought them in and welcomed them home.  Even their former school cooperated....and saw their best interests unfolding. God's arms wrapped around us all....sent so many to help....and brought our boys home.

To date, we have been made aware of the many things that these boys have survived.  How food stamp money (If I told you how much...it would tick you off!)  wasn't spent on food....but sold for cash.  How their dad's child support was spent on everything BUT them....even used to pay for their mother's child support to keep her from going to jail.  Outside of the clothes and shoes that WE and David's family bought over the years, their clothes and gifts and everything....hand-me-downs and donations from local churches. That their shots weren't even up to date.  We have audio, video and pictures of their living conditions.  Holes in the floor.  A house that needs to be condemned.  Their little hearts were just used.  They weren't nurtured.  They were simply a source of income. And even TOLD as much. When they were finally allowed to pick up their things....every bit of it fit in a couple of trash bags.  They were barely allowed to bring what little they had with them.  It's sickening.  

 SOOOO many things that cause me to question the integrity of those who had surrounded them.  As I drove them to school the first day, and drove away in tears...I knew that God had opened my heart...and changed me.  I love these boys.  I want to save them.  Each day, I see the sadness in their eyes slowly disappearing.  When they call me in the afternoons to let me know they made it home?  They say "I love you."  (And they say it first.)  When they need something they forgot at school?  They call me.  When they didn't have a ride to football and didn't know a soul?  I was at the school to take them.  When they scan the stands....(Just like my Sam used to...) to see if we are there?  I get to wave to them.  When I turn the corner in the afternoons....and the youngest spots my car...He lights up and waves....SO happy to see....ME.  

Please don't misunderstand....I'm not expecting or asking for pats on the back.  I'm simply pointing out, that the little things we all take for granted are EVERYTHING to some.  I get the joy of being their bonus mom.  I may be "nobody" to some.  But, I get the honor of being "SOMEBODY" to them.  

Not once have they missed their former school.  Not once have they asked to visit their former home.  The laughter and joy they are now experiencing in our home, makes my heart so full it could almost burst.  They are thriving!  Making friends.  Settling in.  Getting good grades.  The best part?  They are just normal.  

The boys' grandmother has yet to sign the papers necessary to cease our payment of child support.  She has EVEN tried to have his child support raised in the days since they came to live with us.  You read that right.  The caseworkers at both DHS and OSCE are both disgusted.  David continues to pay her each week.  Hundreds of dollars....while waiting for these proceedings to unfold.  She continually lets him down....saying one thing while doing another. Lie after lie after lie.  It is a struggle.  To pay her....and to raise them.  But we are making it.  Please pray for this specific request.  I know that God will protect us all.  And that the system will not only work for the betterment of our family....but prevent her from getting away from this much longer.  I'm holding tight to the promise of "ya reap what ya sow."

Pray for my heart.  For I am so bitter.  I am so angry.  I just will never understand.  It is my job, as a faithful Christian....to extend grace.  And, I'm struggling.

In the eyes of the law, I have no rights to my new sons.  Which is sad, really.  But, I will love them.  I will protect them.  And I will let them know how precious they are.  God has a sense of humor, kinda.  Our family isn't perfect....but we are perfect together.  These boys have blessed me FAR more than I deserve.  And again....I hope to stand before MY Father...and He answer with "Well done, my good and faithful child..."  This IS my family.  And I worry about them daily.  So happy to have them home.  

To my new sons.... I'm sorry that those who should NEVER fail you...have. I love you. And I will never fail you.  And I will tell you and show you every day for the rest of my life.  Welcome home.

And...to them?  Maybe.  Just maybe...I AM somebody.

"Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it."  Proverbs 22:6

In Him,

Terri

Are you there, God?

Are you there, God? Its me....Momma.

I've got a few ....well a LOT....of requests for ya today. For you see? I'm not strong. I'm weak. I'm overwhelmed. I'm S-appy....which I'm convinced is a word for Happy and Sad at the same time. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm worried. I'm a complete mess. In short....I just flat need ya big time.

My Sammy is moving 50 whole miles from my front door :). His friends are, too. Some much further....MUCH, much further. Some are lying their heads at home, but will not be heading to BHS on Monday. Their lives are moving forward. While, MUCH of my requests are about THEM....I'm going to be a tad selfish and ask for some prayers for me. And my friends. The mommas. Well, the dads, too....but really the mommas.

For you see? Our hearts are so all over the place. Be with us as we learn our new place as parents. My heart is welled with joy and thanksgiving, anticipation and anxiety, amidst a longing to be together as we have been till now. His years of growing up have moved so quickly, so many things left undone, so much left unsaid, so much I still hope to give to my child who is taking this new step in the journey of life.

Help us as we reshape our lives to reflect this new reality of college. Show us new ways to be present to each other in love and in trust. Give me patience and help me to remember that my child is establishing new routines in freedom, routines different from my routines.

Help me to let him go.

Help me to guide him. And teach him that College is a Privilege.  Sure, I expected him to go.  But this in no way takes away from the fact that spending four years learning, growing and focused almost exclusively on himself is a gift like none other. Before he sets foot on campus, I wish him think through the millions in human history and try to guess how many people were given this opportunity.  Even fewer play sports at the college level.  MAKE him see and acknowledge just how rare and special this gift is.

Guide me to help him realize that this is the Best Four Years of His Life.  Lord, I pray that he takes the initiative to soak in deeply of all that this Christian University has to offer. That he loads his plate with its academic, athletic, cultural and social offerings. Never again will life mix youth, freedom, opportunity and resources together in quite this combination. If these are to be the very best years, he must make them so.

Father, help him to realize that the First Weeks of College are a Time like None Other.
Everyone will want to meet everyone and there will be none of the social awkwardness that usually accompanies rushing up and speaking to total strangers. He must not squander this short window of opportunity, for it may will never come around again.

Precious God, Don't Let Him Be Stupid!  :) He will now be in a place where the judgement is both allowed and encouraged. The only thing that stands between him and a very bad experience is his own good judgment. But here is the tricky part. So is everyone around him. On the flip side, Lord....Help me to allow him to bump his knee, or to miss a deadline.  Help me to step aside....so he can learn life's lessons.

Lord, Give Him those "Forever Friends." He sat in the same classes or did the same activities as his high school friends and teammates. In college, maintaining friendships is a bit more work. After college it is a lot more work. Investing in friendships now pays dividends forever, truly forever.

God...Help him to see how How His Home is Now Different.  It is Sam's blessing to never have lived in a place where no one loved him.  At the outset, college is that place. Despite everyone’s outward cheer in the first weeks of college, he will have no real friends....yet.   Sure he will know some kids, but these are not true friends, yet. They are still just acquaintances he really likes, but barely knows. Lord, I beg for your hand on his new friendships and relationships.

Help him to see that I Was Once 18.  When he looks at me, he sees “Mom” and “Old.” Do not let him be fooled.  Not one fiber of my being has forgotten how it feels to be his age. Let him know that if he has a problem, talk to me. Few things he will say will shock me and there is every chance, though admittedly just a chance, that I might have a good suggestion. And while the law may recognize him as an adult, Lord, let him realize how much he has left to learn.  

Lord...again, I ask.  Help me to let him grow. And leave.  And learn.  Teach him that I may not necessarily have all the answers, but that he is not alone.

I have loved him every moment of his life. Even as he prepare to move out, I shock myself by Loving Him even More!  This love comes without strings, but life does not. If there are things he wants to achieve, knowledge he wants to gain, and friends he wants to make... it is now entirely up to him.  Guide him in these moments...that will forever change him.

Calm my fears. Strengthen and protect my child in the midst of the challenges and temptations which surround all students. Grant greater courage that I myself may have had in standing for your truth against compromises of faith.

Provide good friends and worthy confidants for my child during these college years. Help me to give support and confidence, to discern how I am needed now, and to pass on, in my love, a measure of the strength and courage you have given me in the gift of parenting.

Nudge him on Sunday mornings and make chapel more than a requirement. Help him to seek YOU.  When someone looks at Sam...be it now, or in a week, or in a year.  Let them see You.  

Lord, I also ask that you be with my Sydney.  Her brother is her buddy.  Her friend.  Also, let her know that she is not merely a "back up dancer" in the "Sam Show."  In my eyes, she is a "Co-star!"  With all the preparation of getting her brother ready...there have been no back-to-school shopping, or hair appointments, or much of anything for just "her." Help her to know that has little to do with her worth....and more to do with her momma's budget!  :)

Place favor on her, Lord.  As she walks the halls of BHS without the chance of bumping into her brother. As she begins her Junior year, Lord, allow her to continue to practice kindness with her friends, and to nurture her important relationships.  Let us turn the emptiness in the bedroom across the hallway, and the ride to school, and empty chair at the dinner table....to a newfound joy in our family.

And Lord, I ask that you keep my babies safe.  You have entrusted me with their care.  I now hand them over to you.....for I know you are already there.

PS....Say hi to my momma.....and scoot over to give her a front row seat!  I know that lady is super proud of these two! :)

In your Son's precious name,

Amen

Happy Tears

I know I'm not the first to send her child off to college.  And I certainly won't be the last.  My Sam made me a mom. Throughout all of my life's twists and turns, ups and downs, victories, mistakes, even sickness and health..I've had one constant....my  Sam and  Sydney Clare.  The three of us have always been a team...made decisions as a team and have been best friends.  This child and his sister,  have endured so much in his 18 years of life....starting with his first assisted breath...much more than most his age.  Deaths, divorce, my illness. The thing is?  You would never know it.  He is the happiest kid.  He shines his light to all he meets.  Always smiling.  Always kind. He has literally been a source of joy every single day since he was born. Without fail. 

He looks to God. He is a self-proclaimed "momma's boy" and my favorite man on this earth. He is a gentleman. And real. And incredibly sweet.  And while  I feel like Conway is so far away.  I know he will be just fine.  I want him to enjoy every second of his new home, his new friends, his new teachers, his new team, and his new coaches.  I don't want him home often, because I want him to enjoy these best years of his life.  I am giddy watching this kid chase his dreams. Sam has, at times, been the underdog.  The overlooked.  Never been the one who got special treatment or ahead because of any reason other than hard work.  This kid is everything I wish I was.  And more. 

I'm not afraid of losing him. He has always made his relationship with me a priority.  I remember in Pre-school, when I arrived to pick him up each day....he would be playing.  When he noticed me there, he would run full speed to me, so happy to see his momma.  To this day...he texts or calls when his feet hit the floor. Or when he gets out of practice or off work. He piles up next to me to talk, laugh and just enjoy time with me. He drops into my office almost daily just to visit.   I know that our friendship won't change. We are best friends.  He said to me not long ago, " of course, I'll come back!   You're my momma!!"  You know what?  I believe him!  

I can't wait to hear about his days, still. For him to bring home his laundry, or call for gas money.  I can't wait to meet his new friends, hear about his classes, watch his new team, and proof his papers.  I can't wait to meet a new "someone special" because there is bound to be one. I'm excited to visit him in Conway as he finds a new church home. I realize that miles can't separate us, because we live in each other's hearts. 

I watched tonight in Walmart....a heartfelt embrace between Sam and one of his former class and teammates that is leaving for the Navy tomorrow morning.  I heard the words "love ya man" and "so proud for you" and "prayin for ya, bro" as they shared in under 5 minutes each other's future plans.  They weren't hindered by being "macho men", the color of skin, or who was around. Just sincere, genuine, and REAL. As I went through the motions of the self-checkout, fighting back tears...it hit me that my Sam and his friend were going to be just fine. We...our little team and our village...have prepared him for this wonderful blessed opportunity before him. Yes, I will miss moments.  I know our daily lives will change.  But he loves me.  This I know. 

It's time for me to turn him over to our God, who I trust will love, carry, guide and protect him.  And I trust that my Sam will continue to look to God while reaching for the stars. 

My tears are not because I'm sad. And yes, the tears are plenty.   It's because my cup runneth over.  This love of my life gets to do this.  And I get to continue watching.  What a gift. Gosh, what an incredible gift. 

Please join me in praying for my Sam.  For our family as we find a new normal.  For our friends who are going their separate paths. And their parents, like me, struggling to let go. Pray for this world to accept them, and let them continue making it a brighter place. Fly high, kiddos!

In Him,

Terri

1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed, and God granted what I asked of Him."  

Crazy College Momma....

Something has happened. Yesterday, I was changing his diaper and today? I'm trying to make sure he is equipped to MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE! My Sam will come home now...TO VISIT. Wait, what????

My baby is no longer a Senior. But a Freshman.

His "school supply list" just became the "dorm supply list". The other kids in his class just became the roommates who will live with my kid every single night and day.  His teammates are strangers to us.

And don’t even get me started on the bills...and the fact that there are only THREE paydays until move-in day.

Perhaps most challenging of it all, these are the last weeks before my baby flies the nest, and it’s quite possible I am experiencing a season of emotional meltdown that rivals postpartum depression.

Here’s a checklist of symptoms in the event I'm not alone.. PLEASE, tell me I'm not alone.

*   You torment yourself by starting a mental countdown of the weeks and days until they leave (as if it’s an execution date or something).

*   Random things make you burst into tears: their childhood photos, their underwear in the bathroom floor, their dirty cereal bowl left on the counter…the first glance at their tuition bill.

*   You get super clingy and follow your kid around the house asking to hang out with them every waking moment of the day.

*   You find yourself lurking in the hallway of their bedroom watching them sleep.

*   You try to convince your boss that you need time off for Family Medical Leave because you’re paralyzed with grief thinking about your kid leaving for college. (They decline Family Medical Leave, so you ask if Bereavement Leave covers college departure. Because it should, for reals.)

*   Your nesting instinct goes into overdrive and you realize you’ve spent more on dorm room essentials than on an entire semester of college room & board.

*   You start planning visits and care packages before they’ve even left.

*   You are borderline ANGRY when his high school football team can even THINK about playing without him.

*   You offer heartfelt hugs in solidarity with random strangers in the check-out aisle at Target upon noticing that they, too, are a weepy-eyed mothers with carts full of color-coordinated hangers, room organizers, hand sanitizer, and obscene amounts of socks and underwear.

*   You consider a U-haul truck for the "tax free" weekend and 20% coupon will make it necessary for the loot from your upcoming trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond.

*   You "social media stalk" your kid’s college roommate trying to determine if there’s any possibility this space-sharing stranger could be a sex-crazed, kleptomaniac, nocturnal, meth-cooking psychopath with poor hygiene or bad study habits. Even further....you stalk their family. :/

*  You lose hours of beauty sleep each night while looking through decades of old photos—including ones from your own college days—and wonder how all of these glorious years went by so fast and you could possibly be this old.

And then you realize the age you somehow thought you still were is the age your kid has now become.

And you begin to embrace the process of truly letting them go.

After all–this season is not about your time that’s ending; it’s about their time that’s just beginning.

So, dear parent–though it may feel like sending them off to college is the final curtain call of parenthood, I promise you that it’s not. In truth, your influence is perhaps going to become even more important during these upcoming years.

Our children are entering into one of the most spiritually and personally formative times in their life, and they’re going to need our wisdom, support and love more than ever.

And once they walk out that door for the real world, they’ll actually seek our advice instead of snarling at it. So grab the Kleenex, pack the boxes, pay the bills, and start planning for all of the ways to stay connected with them while our kids venture into this exciting time.

And keep reminding yourself that for everyone, the best is yet to come.

Yes, this is MY take on a silly list sent to me from a friend today.  But its oh, so true.  In all honesty....My God has answered prayers for my Sam.  He is heading to a wonderful God-loving, Christ-centered environment.  He has met the sweetest of friends.  He doesn't have a scary roommate.  I've reached out to his sweet mom, who may think I am psychotic!  lol He will achieve his higher learning, loving the Lord, and playing baseball.  His new coach said at our recent signing....

"There are a thousand churches and restaurants and colleges in this little town.  Your child will get plenty to eat, a great education, and lots of Jesus!"  

Amen.

SO!  For the next 17 days.....yes.  1-7.  As in 2 weeks and 3 days.  I will complete our shopping list, our to-do list, work LOTS of overtime to try to finish fixing his truck so the little darling won't be walking, (donations accepted!  ha)   and try to teach him ANYTHING I may have forgotten.  Makin my lists....and checkin them twice.....

I will love on him.  Encourage him.  Pray for him.  Enjoy him.  And remind him to cherish every cotton-pickin moment.  He doesn't know it...but its the best years of his life!  My cup overflows....

But really...

I'm not ready. I need another year. Please???

Central Baptist College....Here come's my Sam!  Take care of him!

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9


In Him,

Terri

My "Baseball Peeps"

Tomorrow night is Sam's last baseball game at Panther Field.  Senior night.  This is it.

I still remember his first game at Panther Field.  He was 14 years old.  His division of the Wally Hall Tournament was played there that year....and he stepped on that field with his "Arkansas Cubs" team.  I remember this field....looking at it in awe.   It seemed to swallow them up.  So big.  I remember him so excited to dream of playing there.  For all of his "baseball life" he dreamed of being a Benton Panther.  All the travel, the money spent, the lessons, the time....being a "Panther" was the goal.

I remember those games.....that "Coach B" was there watching.  And when my Sam caught a ball....or made a play....or even struck out....I glanced to see if he was looking.  IF Sam impressed him at all.  Because, Sam SO MUCH wanted to be a Panther.

Let me go back though, and tell you what this game brought into our lives.  Friends.  Best friends.  In fact, I have fellow baseball parents on my kids' "in case of emergency and you can't reach mom..." form at the school.  Even further, one of them can sign for my medical records....at all of my many doctors.

We have been through so much together.  Death, divorce, illness, marriages, job changes, moves, and soon to be "births."  :)  At any given moment, I can pick up the phone and most likely have no less than 10 people I could call for help....for anything.  Anytime. (Probably more.)  We have shared a world record of laughs together.  And almost as many tears.  A few cuss words, lots of miles of across several states, quite a few hotels, so many meals, and friends.....TONS of prayer.  I know these people genuinely celebrate our victories with us....and grieve our hurts.  Each of us take it personally, when someone hurts one of "us."

Life has sometimes taken us in different directions....but there is a bond, and a love, that this group....THIS family....shares.  My son (AND his little sister) share lots of mommas.  And...thank GOD... lots of dads.  No matter how much time passes, we have an understanding....a true loyalty....that few understand.  We have raised these kiddos in the company of loving, Christian friends.  And, together....we have survived all that life has thrown at us.

I get it that few understand.  I've written about my baseball family before.....but there just aren't words to express how I know without a shadow of a doubt that God's fingerprints were all OVER this group and our journey.  Yes, we have lots of trophies under our belt....even a state championship....that I can remember like it was yesterday. 

 But, what I remember most? 

Is the times I received a text from a fellow parent that he saw Sam's pic in the paper.  

Or to see if Sydney made the dance team.  

Or how they cheered for Sam in football (and they didn't even have a player out there.) 

How they held my hand through my illness.  

Showed up to clean my house, and took laundry home.  

How they took me to chemo....and sat outside the surgery door with me.  

How God placed me at a baseball game....the very day of my diagnosis.  And they knew....before my own children knew.  

How they circled in prayer and lifted me up, following a game. 

How they showed up with orange slushies and "tator tot casseroles" because they knew it was a family fave.

When I found a bottle of nail polish in my mailbox, because I mentioned loving the color.  

How a mom of all boys purchased a "first day of school" outfit for my Sydney....because they knew how important that was "to a girl."

When they snap pics of my child....and share them...because they are ALL our boys.  Not just our own.

That when ANYONE can say, "Pray for me", and we KNOW that heads are bowed all over town.

When they pitched in and took my kiddos to and fro....when I wasn't able.

How two of the "little brothers" donated to us in lieu of gifts at their birthday party.

And how a "big brother" gave Sambo a ride to football....for weeks....because I wasn't able.

And when I'm late to a game...my phone sounds like a slot machine going off with all of texts coming in about an awesome play my Sam just made.

When I see one of the boys....they hug me....and hang on for a minute, and say, "Hi momma"....

How any of them can spot in a "New York" minute....when I've had a bad day, or if my heart is hurting.  They can ask, hug or just shoot me a "knowing look"....letting me know they love me.  That they care.

And the times I can't be there, and Sam needs a ride or a few bucks....he can ask anyone to spot him.....and they GENUINELY don't mind.

How one man's aunt....is EVERYONE's Aunt.  

How when I look across the church on Sunday morning....and meet eyes with most all of them....

All the little "inside things"....like "hominy, hominy, hominy" are just a touch of the memories that this group has created just loving one another.  Times we will all carry with us forever.

The moms, the dads, the boys, the little brothers/sisters.....the celebrations and victories, and the heartbreak and sadness.  These men who have been such an inspiration in my son's life.....when he needed it so.  They were more than coaches.  It's all just a wrapped up in a beautiful little package that I know came straight from God.

Some of our "family" are miles away.  Some are across town at that "other school."  :)  Some have moved on to other sports. Some were ripped from us physically... but are forever a part of "US."  Still others have been added to our fold.  The "melting pot" of Panther Baseball.  Either with us from the age of 7.....or just joining us this season....we all know who and where we are.  And what we mean to each other.  We won the game.  For sure.

I could write about our record.  I could tell you all the accolades.  I could even fill this page with sadness.  But as I enter the gates of Panther Field tomorrow night for Senior night.  The very field where my Sam longed to play since he was a little boy.  I will remember the journey.  Not the destination.  For the journey was one of the greatest blessings our family has ever known.

I'll leave the post with a few of my favorite memories...

As these boys begin anew going separate directions....I know that our families will forever be connected from this little game.  

Colossians 3:12-14 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

For the love of the game,

Terri

SENIOR NIGHT LIGHTS

There's nothing quite like a small southern town..

When family and friends all gather around.

Shouting and cheering and clapping their hands --

Hot dogs, and popcorn, and pure joy fill the stands.

Tonight we as Panthers.... will walk in side by side.

We were Cubs, and Bobcats, and All-Stars abide.

A brother on my left and one on my right.

You bet I'll protect him with my heart, soul, and might.

We learned as young boys how to catch and to hit.

It’s all a part of the game, you see……that Panther Baseball grit.

We are “Linked by our Chains”…..which are hung by the dugout door…

A reminder to us that … (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore!

Because of this game, our hearts know true love…

For Our brothers, our Coaches, and our Heavenly Father above.

They have led us and taught us, turned us boys into men.

We are playing tonight, knowing what is REALLY a "win."

Our last night as Seniors, but forever Panthers stand tall....

And because our “ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING”….we know we won’t fall.

We hope they'll never forget our Senior Team,

Our legacy, our faith - We're the "Class of '15!”

Panthers forever...even when the last pitch is thrown.

It's a memory, a blessing, a feeling we all know.

So tonight as we walk out of the Panther Den to fight….

Never EVER forget, boys....these "Senior Night Lights."

                                                                                                       - t. baker