This post, however, is for the purpose of accountability. I'll get to that in a minute.
Change is good. Change is hard. Change is inevitable.
I've been through a fair amount of change in the past few months. I've learned when you pray those "scary prayers"....ya know....the ones where when you ask God questions, you better be prepared for His answers??? When you pray scary prayers...your heart needs to be ready. He answered with four new sons, a son who became an adult in an instant, a daughter who keeps me on my toes, a new job that is bringing with it precious new friends.....change.
I've learned when you begin each day thanking Him for His blessings, instead of seeking Him for your burdens....those burdens slowly disappear. Right now, today, I'm more blessed than any woman deserves to be. Especially broken little me.
I've learned that Satan attacks God's strongest soldiers. We make him nervous. And sometimes.....he actually wins. But there is no greater "joy in the morning" than turning your eyes back to Jesus and being broken before Him.
As I lie in bed, at sunrise on this beautiful Sunday morning....and ALL my people sleeping soundly in the next room.....I felt the need to recognize my blessings today, and take the burden that is weighing me down and go to Him.
I've spent the last couple of days in deep talks with my Sam. Having him home is a joy in itself. But having one-on-one, heart to heart talks is rare. He told me of some changes within himself that he has made. He spoke of some "demons" that have been weighing him down, that he has chosen to lay at the cross.
He shared with me something he learned in the Word through one of his small groups...."to approach the throne with BOLDNESS". Hebrews 4:16 tells us "Therefore we should come with boldness to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and may find grace for help in time of need."
Watching my meek, passive, child....quote scripture, and follow it with such confidence. A BOLDNESS...y'all. Sam isn't afraid. Sam was comforted and confident and BOLD in his approach to accept the grace and mercy of God, even in his weakness. Ready to accept consequence of his brokenness without a fear, because of a trust in God's plan. Oh, to be that obedient. To lay out burdens at the feet of Christ, and never pick them up again.....Go Sam.
That kid walked in a new young man this weekend. As a mom, what a precious moment to watch him experience that JOY, that take many years to find. And only sorrow for those who may not understand.
I learned something from him in these moments. To approach ANYTHING hurting us a with a boldness. A confidence that with Christ, nothing is too great for His mercy. And His grace.
Friends, I need prayer. I'm not healthy. No, the cancer has not come back....my God BOLDLY took care of that...but frankly? I'm fat.
Laugh if you must, but this is a true burden. Lately, I've noticed many things. I can't keep up. While at Disney, I struggled just keeping up with my daughter and her friends. I was forced to rest often because...I LITERALLY, cannot keep up.
I hurt. My back hurts, my knees hurt, my body just aches. No doubt due to the weight I'm carrying.
I look horrible in pictures. In fact, I almost choose not to be in them, because I'm so unhappy with my appearance.
All of this may sound trite, but please know that I'm not a vain person. I can't wait to get home and stay there. Simply going to the grocery store wears me out. Ballgames and school functions wipe me out.
I'm not healthy.
Yesterday my timehop reminded me that exactly 4 years ago, I reached a weight loss goal of 50lbs lost. I looked and felt better than I ever had. It also saved my life by revealing a lump in my breast, that could have taken my life had I not lost the weight and known it was there.
Anyway, I posted this picture, taken on Easter Sunday, two weeks before my diagnosis...
So...I'm making the decision, to get it back off. Again. Damn you, steroids. And chemotherapy.
Okay....and diet cokes. And chocolate. And French fries.
I want to approach this burden of my health....with a boldness. It will be harder than ever before. With my age. My busy schedule. My large family to feed. And my inability to do all the things I could before.
I am asking for prayer. And help. And loving nudges to help me on this journey.
I want to stand on a beach in June. Take pictures and capture memories with my family. For I realize, there may not be many more with us as a whole. I don't want to be embarrassed because of how I look. I want to FEEL like soaking up every moment with them.
This is my goal. 40 lbs. by June 25.
Approaching with a boldness. Will you pray for me? (And Sam, too....as his faith walk continues to change him.)