Dear God and Momma...

Hey Mom. 

I find myself missing you tonight. Like REALLY missing you. 

Your deviled eggs.  And your banana pudding.  I did eat ham today instead of turkey....so that was cool.  Like you. Made me think of you.   Can you believe though that I did NOT eat Mac & Cheese?  First Thanksgiving in 43 years. :). We were invited to spend the afternoon with some wonderful, dear friends.  Love and laughter filled their home and I just miss the days when you were here and our holidays were like that. 

A little different focus for us I guess this year.  Sambo had football practice.  I know you already know that, huh?  I remember how great you are at ringing a cowbell!  :). Yes. I'm THAT mom. And so proud of it.  Still, tomorrow is the semis.   Sam is playing his last time at the "Palace". I just can't seem to stop the tears. We never got around to talking about these milestones that I'm facing now and I'm not taking it so well. 

I've felt your presence every single game. I know how proud you are. And I know how different things would be if you were here.  I never thought I'd feel so alone. 

So tonight, I'm pretty ticked at Cancer. I wish it had not chosen to pick on you.  On us. I know God doesn't make mistakes but He must be rolling His eyes at me doing it without you. This is just hard. 

I guess that's why He placed me here. I know in my heart that I'm right where we need to be. That He gave me these friends in my life, mom, to fill the void of family loss in my life.  I keep clinging to the one piece of advice that was in your last letter to me.  To raise my children in the company of Christian friends. 

Sometimes, mom, I'm guilty of letting them carry me through this life without you.  I get so caught up in "me and mine" that I lose sight of my "servant's heart".  And am not the best friend in return. 

Sometimes I just don't even know what to say or think or feel.

Numb.

Lately, I spent a lot of time asking God to give me the words to speak and to know when to speak them and when to be quiet. That is a delicate and mysterious thing and not always my gift. I think I get that from you, momma. Most days, I am able to turn my gaze outward again and am so appreciative of the love and support my friends offer and so freely share.  I aim to do a better job of letting them know how much I love them. 

There are days, where I slip back inside my head, and I just don't feel worthy of all the wonderful people God has placed around me.  The friends who love me in spite of me.  Who pick me up. Who forgive. Who let me know I am loved, when I'm not very lovable.  You know I'm that way sometimes....not very lovable. 

Lately, mom, I'm  feeling a little overwhelmed. There is so much noise, not from the kiddos, but the static of life in all it's glory, that I could not focus my attention on what mattered, or even figured out what it was that did matter. 

I thought the problem was that I couldn't hear myself think. 

I was ready to clear my plate of obligations. Instead of discernment, I was experiencing a little bit of fight or flight response. Fortunately, after some time, deep breathing, snuggles with the kiddos and prayer, I was able to refocus. The static was drowned out by the still, small voice as I listened to Him. I didn't need to hear myself. I was getting in my own way. 

Thank you for teaching me that direct line to Him. For teaching me to "Let go and let God..." have my life, my worries and my needs. To my dear Lord and my mom.....I need you both.  To be a better Christian, mother, partner, and friend. 

Milestones are hard.  I know I'm really not alone. 

By the way....ring that cowbell in Heaven, mom....I know he hears ya. 

Love you,

T