I told the girls at Dr. Sneed's office....."I don't much like the cocktails ya'll serve here.....hangovers are brutal and goin on 5 days now." :) That is my attempt at humor under chemo. So forgive me in advance....my humor is bound to get worse. :) I'm grumpy. So please try to love me through it! :) Gonna do my best to record my last week....in which the "ups," while incredible... were few, and the "downs"....well, they were pretty crummy.
Power Port:
Last Thursday, I had my little "surgery" for the port placement. I received a Power Port.....which to me didn't mean much, and to most, won't mean much either. Just means I won't be stuck a thousand times in the next few months -- they can access this hunk of metal in my already scarred up chest. (Yep, I'm also bitter tonight. Probably NOT a great day to write, so I'm trusting anyone who might be reading is doing so with a forgiving heart! <3) Anyway, the surgery went ok....my dear Sonya drove me and was my "in case of emergency" person that day. More than that, she lovingly sat there through my nervousness. I have and will make this statement a thousand times....I have such dear friends. Friends who ARE my family. I will never be able to thank them all properly. Never.
Was so grateful for the few stolen moments I'd had with Sonya and Shane the afternoon before. They will never know or fathom how much it means to me to have those moments with them.
The Port. The darn thing just hurts! It also happens to be on my "bad side" ....which is kinda good.....means I have a port-free "good side" :) But a week out and its still very swollen and painful. Down in the muscle kind of pain. Blah. Good news is that my "burning" pain from the Masectomy seems to be better. Or less obvious. So that is good. Just still recovering from the "trauma" of all the "stuff" done in that area. Emotionally....I may never recover. I look in the mirror and cry at least once a day. But taped to my bathroom mirror is this verse:
1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
Para-phrased by my mom...."Pretty IS as Pretty DOES" :) I take comfort in scripture as I'm facing more and more of my "outward" self changing with my illness. And its cure. Sigh. Good thing? Big flowy tops are in this season! :) AND....I still have my hair. For today. :)
New Chemo Plan:
I am opting for the "Dose Dense" Therapy as follows:
First four treatments: Andriamycin and Cytoxan
Second four treatments: Taxol
Total of 8 treatments, every 2 weeks. I will have to have 3 Neupogen shots in between each treatment.
Sorry for all the medical mumbo jumbo. Mainly recording it for my own records. But, for you guys out there....its supposed to be a little less harder on me, than the 3 month TAC and done a tad sooner than the 6 month option I'd been given early on. I guess I can call it "ACT"? :) Same drugs, just in a different regimen. The "AC" part is also called the "red devil".....
It's even scary in the bag. Even makes you potty red! :) I'll tell ya....I was saying a LOT of prayers while hooked up to the devil. Deb was there and we were havin fun with the wig basket, and the nurses. I think I'm going to leave this experience with some definite new friends. They were so caring and kind. It must be heart-wrenching what they do each day. God chooses those ladies and places them there. I know this.
Deb and I never miss a photo op.....even "chemo fun"! :)
I have such pretty friends! :) In every sense of the word! Straight from 1 Peter! :) I'm sure the other patients were cracking up as we were yapping about nonsense and eating Sonic. Yep....from the chemo chair! :) Bless her heart...she was leaving for the beach that afternoon and hadn't packed a thing. But was there with me and the devil! ha
The chemo hit me about like I expected. Some ways worse.....some ways maybe not as bad. Extreme fatigue. So much that this on-the-go insomniac never left the bed....literally....for 3 days. Day 4 (Tues), I found the recliner. I signed up for the worst flu bug you can imagine....times 10. Uggggg. While my anti-nausea meds worked fairly well.....I can't describe the fatigue. It's not a matter of "being tough and taking it".....its a matter of literally being able to hold your head up.
Despair set in as the world went on around me. Doors slamming as the kids came and went. Panther games....I have NOT attended as many as I have lately.....even my sweet animals don't know what to think about me.
I worked half day on Wed. Took everything I had. Everything. To the doc for labs Wed afternoon -- they said they looked good. Wondering on what scale? Cause I felt anything but "good"....:) But I'll take good. Hanging on to any good news I can get! Back to Dr. Hagans on this am for a checkup.....again..."all looked good"....that word again. Good. Worked until 4. And I may actually get a full day in tomorrow if I'm lucky. Sigh. SOOOOOO blessed with wonderful bosses who are fighting this with me and are full of understanding.
I guess I am feeling a little better each day. Except for this horrible nagging headache that nothing touches. Not Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Aleve, or even the "good meds".....nothing touches it. Its from the chemo. Gonna have to manage the pain....however, its miserable. Light, noise, everything hurts with a headache striking about 20 on a 1-10 scale.
I feel like a whiner about now. I'm doing an awful lot of griping. I know. Please understand I'm not looking for sympathy, pity, or tears. Prayers? You betcha! But I'm mainly hoping to help someone out there know what to expect if they are in line for my "cocktail"......and also for myself so I'll know exactly how I felt on what day. If I'm faced with this again in 10 years....I may forget! :)
Truth is, I'm trying to face this battle with as much dignity and class as possible. Many ways I fall short. This week....I've been snappy and grumpy and not very loveable. FAR from dignified OR classy! Glad I have my God! And my friends who are literally holding me up....by climbing in bed with me bearing orange slushies, or treating ME normal by crying to me with their issues. It is an honor to be trusted and to be in prayer for my friends. The ones who are feeding us (literally through the meal train).....texting me, sending me cards, emails, facebook messages. Each and every one comes in God's perfect timing just when I need it. Visits from friends day and night.... A comfort I can't describe. My "heros" -- "Dana" :) who have fought this fight and won....and who reach out to me and give me strength not just by her kind words of encouragement but also by her example. Wow. To my "ball moms" who are hauling my Sam everywhere and yelling for him when I can't be there. Another blessing. God is workin! Which brings me to the "good stuff".....
Tootie:
My Aunt Tootie has been with me all week. Passing through on her vacation last weekend....she made my uncle leave her here for the week. She has driven me around, cooked for us, taken care of my kids and my animals. Such a blessing to me this week!!!! I honestly don't know what I'd done without her! It was also nice to just spend some time with her visiting. We don't get time like that often.....and it was nice. Even though I didn't feel well....I was able to rest...guilt-free....knowing she was there for my babies. The ultimate comfort!! I love her!
Strangers:
I've talked before about the kindness of my friends....and strangers alike. But this week a couple stand out. I had an issue with my water heater beginning of the week and the Centerpoint man had to come out and help me with a "gas issue." I was holding down the recliner that day.....and he was just coming and going through the door doing his thing and as he poked his head in to tell me I'd have hot water in "30 mins" (Yay!), his eyes turned soft and he asked me about my cancer. At first, I was wondering how in the world he knew.....did I have "chemo" across my forehead already? Then it hit me that my "cardboard ministry" signs were hanging in the foyer. He was the sweetest man. Asked if he could pray for me and made certain before he left that he knew I had a church family and that my children were a part of a youth ministry. It was very touching. There was a gentleness about him that made me weep as he left. I know that I am in his prayers.....and probably will continue to be for a while.
There is another lady in the office building I'm in that came in the other day. She caught the tail end of my phone conversation before I could help her and gathered that I was having this "cancer struggle". After a few minutes she asked if she could pray WITH me....and took my hands in hers and led prayer right there over my desk. She led the most intimate prayer for my personal healing. THIS....is the good stuff.
Stepping into the Ring:
My friend Shannon, gave me a book early on in my battle. I'm embarrassed....totally....to say, that I've just found the time to read it. I read the entire book in less than 30 minutes. I realized it was like reading a book about my very own journey. Wow. Here is the book:
If you or someone close to you is touched by cancer.....breast cancer, specifically.....this is a MUST read!!! I have highlighed most of the book as special to me.....and can't help but share a few.....
".....Finding out I had cancer was like going to sleep in my own bed and suddenly waking up in the middle of a boxing ring. Out of the clear blue, I am standing toe-to-toe with the Heavyweight Champion of the World, the crowd is looking on, and I am in my pajamas and don't even know how to throw a punch."
Boy does that take me back to April 23, 2012. Standing in Dr. Harrison's office with my friends.
"...Every line the doctor said was a physical punch. Blow after blow the words kept coming, until I was sick to my stomach and dizzy with fatigue. The wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't say anything, my tongue was numb, and my eyes refused to blink. Inside, I was SCREAMING, NO! Please, God, no."
"...I was already in the ring.. I could keep standing there, literally getting killed, or I could fight begin to fight back."
Cancer is mean. Cancer doesn't discrimate. It doesn't care that it could leave children without their mother. It is a cruel thief and it deserves my anger. I AM angry. I am angry that it has taken my body. But through my faith and HOPE in my God.....I will give it up to save my life. It will take my breasts. It will take my hair. But the disease isn't getting the "good stuff!" The "me" that laughs at my kiddos when they toot or that loves reality tv or the "me" that believes love and forgiveness can change the world. The Cancer Thief has a fight!!!! It's not taking my "goods." And the value of it all underneath. My body hurts. It's "damaged goods" quite possibly. But my heart and my faith couldn't be stronger. I'd get into the ring ANY day with God in my corner!
In the book of Isaiah, it tells us "Your hope will not be cut off." As I went over these words and thought about hope.....this song in its once again "perfect timing" came on....
Yes, everything....especially in the world of the kids and I.....rides on Hope. And in Faith. Worrying about tomorrow is just borrowing trouble. Today....I live! :)
"Hope is not a positive mental attitude. I have hope but am not always positive. There is no way to conquer true despair with "happy thoughts." Hope has real strength, but not strength of its own. The power of Hope comes for the truth it hopes in; no matter the outcome, I can hale life, because the loving, merciful, God of the universe is good and He is looking after me. So if I fan the flame of Hope everyday, I win."
I have much more to write about in the "goodness" of this week. But it's bedtime. Another day. I kinda feel like I've flunked Chemo 101. But as I was reminded this week...its a marathon, not a sprint. I have cancer. But.....and I say this with a smile.....Cancer does NOT have me!
In Him,
Terri
PS....I was reminded today that my struggle, while big to me......is nothing like some. My children are healthy and happy. I am blessed beyond measure. Hug your babies and hold on for a minute.
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