In just 3 short weeks, downtown Little Rock will once again become a "sea of pink." Hundreds of THOUSANDS of men and women will walk the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure....as it does each October. A day that is near and dear to my heart for obvious reasons.
Funny how that now I've blogged for a couple of years ....and I've written before about my feelings about the race. In lieu of sounding like a "broken record"...I'll share a couple of posts that I've poured my heart into previously. To some this is just a walk. Just a day. To some? October doesn't mean much.
Not to me. Not to many.
I very seldom go back and read old posts I've written, unless my chemo brain kicks in....(Yes, I still have it...its my story and I'm sticking to it! haha) Anyway, I rarely go back and read old posts. In all honesty, sometimes its painful. I've reached a point in my healing, that I honestly don't think about cancer much anymore.
If someone close to me has a scare, or a God-forbid, a diagnosis. Or if something triggers me to re-live it, or a doctor appointment. Anything of that nature...I do worry from time to time. But honestly, my focus is on LIVING rather than fear of a recurrance. At least, today.
However, October...and the race....never ceases to bring a lump to my throat. I still struggle with so many feelings around this time. So tonight....I dug through some old posts. I'll list my journey tonight and take you with me....and note my thoughts. Then. And now.
I wrote this just days before last year's race.....How "Team Terri" was born...
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/10/2013-susan-g.html
You see? Every story has a ribbon.....
http://www.terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/07/story-behind-my-ribbon.html
October....
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/09/october.html
On Survivorship....
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2014/03/survivornow-what.html
On Gene testing. Those close to me know it was years of this coming to fruition.
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/08/to-test-or-not-to-test.html
Results. FINALLY.
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/08/no-gene.html
My personal holiday. April 23, 2014
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-cancer-versary.html
Because. My reason to fight.
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/07/because.html
The main thing Cancer took from me....
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2014/07/its-been-13-years.html
Mom and HER fight...
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/07/july-20.html
Just a momma...
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2012/07/momma-has-cancer.html
The Letter D.
http://terricoxbaker.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-letter-d.html
As I relived much of my journey through my posts tonight. One thing is apparent. I've been touched with absolutely every emotion. Anger, pain, sadness, joy, relief, happiness, and most of all love. My story is really a journey of illness restoring my life through grace.
Life is still hard. But I've learned to focus less on pettiness and worldly desires and more on those intangible things that just cannot be replaced. The Lord has blessed me with what I consider to be a "second chance" at life. I got a do-over....in many ways. Cancer has taken SOOOO much from me. A year of my life. My womanhood. My security. And some days....even my joy. It has taken my mother from us. Gosh.....thinking of it makes me crazy! It has affected my child, who lives in a vivid fear of losing her mom.
BUT....Cancer gave me a realization that life isn't promised to us. However cliche it sounds....each day truly is a gift. I used to live in shame of some of the choices I've made and people I've hurt. Since my illness, I've learned that to accept the grace that is FREELY given to an undeserving me. My kids and I cherish each day together. Each and every day. I am so proud of their decisions to honor God in all that they do. Their thankful spirit and their trust in HIM make me so very proud.
I watch the world around me sometime. How people deliberately try to hurt each other with their words and their actions. How some get so worked up over petty things and trivial matters. Friends, if I leave this world with one thought....is love each other. Like CHRIST loves us. Show love. Live love. Forgive. And extend grace.
I hold my breath as I walk into each oncology checkup. I still live in ...now 4-month increments. I am constantly poking around my chest, even with nothing there.....scared to find "something." I look in the mirror....and feel completely ugly. I know that I will never look and feel like a real woman again. I live in fear for my children.....for I know I couldn't stand to watch them affected by cancer. Cancer has changed me. Us. All of us....for sure. It REALLY IS a give and take. As I've said before....while I don't want to re-live it, I wouldn't change a thing.
God continues to bless us through our healing. Whatever the outcome of my story....I've developed a relationship with HIM. And He continues to bless us daily.
With October....comes a whirlwind of emotions for many. For those wearing Survivor Pink.....PLEASE love them. Pray for them. Realize their fight. Just love them, friends.
I've had several ask me to bring back Team Terri again this year. So I have. Please know, this isn't about ME. This is about a cure. This is for you to join with us in honoring YOUR hero. For we all have one. This picture tells my story.....As I crossed the finish line last year.....I looked to heaven to the reason I was there.
I would love to extend an invitation to anyone who might want to join my team. October 4, 2014
Here is the link to my team page. Walk with us.....You'll leave so blessed. I'm sure of it.
In Him,
Terri
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