Roxanne...."We'll Remember you....."

I write tonight with a heavy heart.  I can't escape the tears of sadness and just true grief I feel at the loss of my sweet friend and sister.....Roxanne Cousins.  There is a star in the sky tonight just a tad brighter than all of the others.  That....was her smile.

I met Roxanne in my Freshman year at Arkansas State when I pledged Chi Omega....Instant friends because Roxanne made it that way.  The sweetest spirit in anyone I believe I have ever known.  Always always smiling.  And I mean always.  She sang beautifully.....I loved standing near her during Rush, or Sisterhood songs, because her harmony was exquisite....first because I knew she would drown me out, but mostly because I loved to listen to her.  I knew the first time that I heard her sing....that she HAD to sing in my wedding.  In fact, I remember consulting HER practically before anyone else before setting a date.  Graciously, she agreed.

Going to be honest .....  It had been many years since I'd seen or spoken with her until like many of us, we reconnected on facebook.  Shortly after my diagnosis, she reached out to me with a couple of sweet wall posts and messages.  I had no idea she was also in a battle of her own.  Never once did she complain or tell me "her story".....and I was as shocked as anyone at the news today that Ovarian Cancer took her life.  I've been off of facebook during Lent....so if there were any posts, I had totally missed them.

Although she didn't make it to the race, she was a member of "Team Terri" this past October for the SGK Race and she got a Tshirt.  During my chemo treatments, I averaged about 25-30 messages a day from various friends/sisters/family checking on me.  I failed to respond to many of them until days, even weeks later, and I totally didn't respond to some.  I have a few reasons.....I was sick, I was so overwhelmed with so many.....but in hindsight, there is no excuse.  I should have responded.  I broke my "no FB during Lent" promise tonight, only to frantically search my messages trying to find my last exchange with my friend.  Here it is.....

• Conversation started 7 August 2012

Roxanne Cousins

Hey Girl,
I'm so glad to hear you've got the worst behind you! I was meeting with my onc yesterday in LR too - I keep thinking one of these days soon we'll have to meet up there for a quick coffee, if you do coffee. I'm off chemo for the time being and just had a clear scan but my cancer marker (CA125 is what they use for ovarian cancer) has crept up slightly so I might have to get back on the chemo train soon (Yuck) but anyway would LOVE to see you sometime soon. I'm hoping I can make it to that walk in October. You hang in there - you are doing great and have the best attitude ever!!! Hugs, Roxanne

Sent from Mobile

I didn't respond.  :(  It may have been on a day I was sitting in a chemo chair when several messages came in and I didn't see it.....or I thought....I'll write her back in a bit and then my chemo brain clicked in and forgot.  Or I could have been at work and thought I'd respond later and didn't.  Or in my "chemo stupor" that the Red Devil left me in for days.  I don't know.  For whatever reason.....I didn't.  How could I NOT respond to her?  A sweet friend in the midst of her OWN battle reaching out to me.....and I missed it.  I am totally ashamed of myself.

I didn't even remember getting this message or realize that she was even ill.  :(

I know Roxanne, of all people, understands.  In my heart, she loved me....and knew that I loved her.  Oh, how I wish I'd met her for coffee.  Or picked up the phone.  I know she isn't angry with me.....she probably never thought another thing of it....but she has ministered to me in a big way.  After hearing the news today, I immediately reached out to some of my Chi-O friends.....not only to share the information, but to tell them I loved them.  Chance made us "sisters" but love kept us that way.  Roxanne is smiling on us now, because her smile once again led us back to each other. 

In the midst of my search for her last message to me......unfortunately, I found MANY messages without a response.  My momma flat taught be better than that! Even if its a year later....my goal this week is to respond, to each and every message.  I've learned to never leave a friend hanging.  To always take a moment to acknowledge love and comfort extended to me.  No matter what I may be going through, how busy I am, or what the case may be....to always give value to those who took a moment to reach out to me.   My selfishness most likely hurt feelings....and I feel embarrassed and upset beyond words.  My sweet friend/sister Jana reaffirmed today that "we need to stick together and stay close"....
Amen. 

My intention is not to turn it into being about "me" but just another way how this sweet soul touched my life.  And my battles.....oh how small.  Please keep her sweet son, Ethan, her husband, Brad, and all of the many friends and family that she has here missing her tonight. 

As she led us many times.....Here's to you my sweet Roxanne....I know you are leading it beautifully in the "Omega" chapter.....
 

SHADES
In the shades of evening, there will be no grieving
Even though you’re leaving Chi-O far behind you
There’ll be many memories, there’ll be many letters
There’ll be lonely hours, till we meet again then
We’ll have our reunion,
there’ll be toasts and singing
And you’ll hear us bringing praises to you till then
Chi-O now departing, come bid sweet adieu
Chi-O ever after, we’ll remember you!

I love you my sweet friend. 

In Him,
Terri