I don't even know where to start....so much has happened since my last post. Yes, I realize that was only a few days ago....but yes....a whirlwind of a week. Welcome to my world! Saddle up for a long one my friends.....I just "don't wanna miss a thing....". :) I can tell you....that since my last post, I'm already a changed person. He has revealed so much to me this past weekend!
I'm a "list maker".....It's the only way I can stay organized in this crazy, busy world of mine. If ya take away my little notebook in my purse, or the calendar on my phone.....I'm lost. Literally. Well....I'd still have Syd....my little walking "day planner"....but anyway, you get the idea. That said, I'm going to approach this post in "list form," because I don't think there is one moment that I won't want to remember forever.
"Look Good, Feel Good":
The week felt odd....Sam was gone, Syd's social calendar was complete all week...so I actually got a little "down time".....So Saturday, I woke up "bright eye'd and busytailed" as my momma used to say! :) First of all, I knew that before my head hit the pillow that night.....that my Sambo would be home! I think I've mentioned a time or two how much I've missed him! :)
Anyway, Syd and I headed to Little Rock to St. Vincent's to attend a little "makeover" session that is geared for Cancer Patients. Lordy....Another reality check. I was among those in the midst of a battle like mine. If you have never gone through anything like this yourself, or with a loved one....its very hard to describe the feeling you get when one day you were fine and "normal" and after one doctor visit.....your whole life changes and suddenly you're sick. You don't look sick....you feel just fine.....but you are sick. Then the "cure" is what ails you. Not the illness. Very backwards. The surgery has been a "doosey" of a recovery for me. But Saturday, I was given a really big dose of "you ain't seen nothin yet!" Sigh. I know that unfortunately, the worst is still to come.
Anyway....the makeover was fun. Syd and I were given some freebies from various makeup companies. We were pampered a bit and given several tips. A little "girl time" is always nice. It also enabled me to meet a few others "like me"....but different. But still..."like me." I was able to ask questions, and share and receive tips for this journey we are on. I SOOOOO look forward to the day when I can actually go a full day without talking about "cancer." I know that's not anytime soon. But that's on my bucket list!! I also know that its sorta necessary (for lack of better words) that cancer exist. For you see.....there are millions of people out there facing difficult things, but their silver lining is this: "At least its not cancer!" :) More on that later........
The morning was fun. I still think however, our highlight was the 2 for 1 deal at Krispy Kreme on the way there! :)
"Yes to the Dress":
I've talked about the kindness of my friends. And my support system that is deeper than the neareast ocean. Yes....it's worthy of that analogy. I was contacted by a sweet lady whom I've never met. Her words on the initial phone call...."A little birdie told us your daughter has an upcoming church program and she is in need of a new dress!" Wow! I was stunned. She doesn't know this, but tears were streaming down my face during our conversation. She probably thought I was crazy -- because when I tell you this sweet lady was a total stranger... I meant it! I had never met her.
I am not good at accepting help. I hate asking for rides for the kids.....unless I know I can return the favor...."you take, I'll pick up"....or vice versa. That's normal. But beyond that....I HATE the thought of burdening anyone. Deep down, I feel in my heart, that its not a burden to them....because I've NEVER minded helping others with their kiddos. Ever. But what I'm getting at....is that I'm becoming very humbled at the fact that I just can no longer do this on my own. I'm alone here in the sense that I've no family closeby, but God made sure that I'm not alone!
The worries I'm facing are obvious. Cancer fears....duh. That's obvious. I want to live to meet my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Chemo fears.....I've discussed these. I just don't want to be their momma at home sick. I want be a PART of their lives. Able to be at every activity. Not gonna happen. Already missed a game this week. That was on Monday. And I'm still ticked about it. Financial fears.....Of course, I worry that when I miss work....I don't get paid. Duh. That is a "single momma's" everyday fear....nothing to do with Cancer. But multiply it 100X.....I am not living "month to month"....its "day to day".....I DO worry where the rent will come from and how to make my car payment. That's natural....But I know that my God always provides. Countless have stepped up to offer help in ALL forms....even financial. (And if you are one of those people, and you haven't gotten a thank you note yet.....please forgive me! I'm working on them.....:) Honestly, I'm waiting on payday to buy postage! ha)
OK...Back to business....Of course I worry. But not really. Everything will work out how its supposed to on the "big stuff." I am budgeting and sticking to it like GLUE. I've prayed and turned it over to God and I know we will be fine. HOWEVER, we DO have everyday needs that in the eyes of some....aren't "needs". The little things. I've had to break down and buy a couple things to work in (i.e., big flowy tops that hide all that's going on and/or NOT there in the chest area. Another Example: A dress for my Sydney. Bless her heart, she has outgrown everything. The kids need spending money for this/that. As a mom, its SO hard to keep their lifestyle as unaltered as possible. But sometimes....."Mom, can I go the movies?" is a really tough "yes" to say for me. We are having to watch every penny. So I have to say "no" alot. Guilt simply overwhelms me.
So when I received a call that a group of special ladies wanted to buy my Sydney a new dress, you can imagine my suprise and emotion. Wow! What a gift! They will never know what this meant to us. My now new friend came to our home Saturday afternoon with three dresses for Sydney to try on. She chose her favorite which she was allowed to keep and was so excited to wear it for the special church service on Sunday. I was so overwhelmed at the kindness shown to me by other mothers who recognized a "little need" that was for my child. These kids also "have cancer"......not physically....but emotionally. God is SO good.
My baby boy is home!:
Enough Said. I'm even trying to ignore the fact that the first thing he said was, "Can I please hang out with Madison tonight?" :) Ahhhhhh, the joys of teen love. Truth is, I missed her since he's been gone! She is simply precious. So of course! We met the buses at the church that evening and buzzed over to grab Madison and all went to dinner. I had received a couple of gift cards to Chili's so we headed over! It was a fun night. Sam was full of stories. The kids were all smiles and I felt pretty good!
Cardboard Ministry:
A couple of weeks ago we were asked to be a part of a special "Real Life Testimony" service at FBC. The idea was to place on one side of a piece of cardboard your struggle.....and flip it to show how God worked or is working to overcome the struggle. How FAITH gets you through everytime. When Clay called to ask, I immediately said yes and talked to the kiddos. He explained what it was all about and I was very honored to be asked. I knew I was asked due to my current struggle and the fact that I'm allowing faith to see me through it. I am certainly ok to share that with the WORLD! As time went on.....and we met as a group to decide what our cards would say. It has hit me that Gosh.....I could have about a DOZEN cards. Oh the struggles and mistakes that I've worked to overcome, that I never could alone. MY plan never worked. HIS plan has worked everytime.
Sunday, I was in the company of the most amazing, courageous people that I've ever been around. I was immediately more than honored to be a part of it. But humbled. I will never forget how that experience changed me. I am extremely excited to share it here....and make it a part of my testimony forever:
http://vimeo.com/43824789
I can't for the life of me figure out how to link it directly but if you will copy and paste the above link into your browser, it should take you right to it. It is also linked on my facebook. Please watch it. I'm certain it will forever change you too.
(Note her pretty purple dress! :))))
Those cardboards are proudly hung in my home.....just like they are, like beautiful pieces of art, as a simple reminder to all of us.....that God is bigger than my cancer.
Panther Baseball:
After both services at church, we hustled on over to North Little Rock. Panthers had a game and Sam was to play! :) Lord, I've not slowed down since that boy came home! :) The kicker of the afternoon was that the game was at 3 -- 30 minutes away.....and Pure Energy was having their homecoming concert that evening at 6. He was to be there at 5. Hmmmmm.....Lordy. I pray about everything these days.....and here I go praying for a mercy rule....or that they start early, or something! AND that my "piece of crap" car make it there with no issues. (I could blog for WEEKS over the apparent lemon I am driving. You'd think I couldn't get mad at it any longer....its practically brand new with all the new parts I've put in it!) Still....off we go. Complete with my mom bag of wet wipes, deordorant, hair gel, cologne, AXE, anything to disguise the fact that he stepped off the ball field into his freshly ironed and clean choir uniform. :)
I had been out of the "baseball loop" for about a week so it was great to see all my peeps! I just love love love my baseball family!
The Lord answered our prayer.....well sorta. He had a sense of humor with my request! This practically undefeated team got its mercy rule allright....except we were on the down side! haha Too many errors and just a bad day. We all have those. Good news is that we made it to church with about 8 minutes to spare and thank goodness I didn't have to sit by my Sam! :)
PE:
I've already blogged about Pure Energy....and how incredible they are. And to blog about how they worshipped God.....how it showed on their faces.....how they rose their hands to our Father. Well, I can't do it justice. Just trust me. If you left FBC Sunday without feeling the power of our God, then something is wrong. I couldn't be prouder of these kids, many of which I know and love, and others who I've grown to love from afar. Another way God worked in us, placing my kids here. I am without words.....simply in awe of them and how God has worked in those kids.
Sunday couldn't have been a more perfect start to my upcoming week!! Doctors, tests, and chemo.....sigh. And trying to work and attend ballgames, vbs, and all the normal running.
"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6
The "Echo":
Worked half a day Monday, got the kiddos home from VBS, and headed out to Baptist for an echocardiogram. Had no idea what to expect, but basically its an ultrasound of your heart. Non-invasive and pain-free....right? Wrong. Not on a woman 4 weeks Post-Masectomy. Ouch! The tech was precious and very aware, but still.....:( ouch. Was finished there about 3ish and was scheduled to meet with my oncologist, Dr. Sneed, at 5:00. I called to see if possibly he could work me in a tad earlier since Sam had a game that evening. No luck. So I camped out at Baptist a while and used their WiFi to start this blog a while.
My sweet friend, Jon, who works there, came down and visited with me a few minutes which helped to kill time.....and I even wrangled an invite to his Sunday School class on Sunday! :) David and I have been wanting to find class to attend together and it looks like we might have found one! :) Hopefully, I'll get to start this Sunday, but not sure about the chemo effects. Might be another week.
Wasn't long until it looked like the sky was going to open up with a storm so I headed on to Dr. Sneed's hoping to slide in early anyway.
Oncology Fun and The Plan:
Deb met me there and we got to catch up a bit! Always love our visits. Cute little Josh was there and visited with us too....I guess its nice to have a breath of fresh air in a place like that. He is definately that! :) Spoke with the doc, and decided to go with the most aggressive regimen of chemo (TAC). I had first outwardly ruled it out, but have kept it in the back of my mind. We went through the options again, this time with better questions and a clearer mind. Deb looked Dr. Sneed in the eye and asked.... "If this were your mother....or your sister.....or your daughter.....what would you want her to do?" His reply, "I would do the TAC, hands down. This may be our only shot....we need to take it!" He also let me know that if in fact it is just too much.....we can change. We are calling these shots together. He got my scripts together and instructions to eat everything in sight for beginning treatment. Most likely, I'm going to be pretty sick. The day will be Friday.
I guess the best news I received from the visit was that Dr. Sneed thought Deb and I were twins! :) She is beautiful.....so you have to understand what a compliment this was! Here we are a year or so ago......
Friends and My David:
I just love my friends. Something large like this happening in your life changes you as a person. It also changes your relationships. Some good....some not so good. Some shut you out. Some look at their problems "compared to cancer".....as silly. I've been shocked by some. Shocked. The thing is.....we all have struggles. We all make mistakes. We all have our issues that no matter how big or small compared to those of others....to us they may be huge. To them they may be extreme! I am a do-er. I welcome being able to lend a listening ear.....to share laughs....to be "normal" despite the FBC! :) I miss the normality....but also, I have loved the kindness of others who still laugh with me about silly things, who still vent to me about kids, men, "stuff"......It holds me up.....whether they know it or not. I could list until next week those who are so precious to me......but that's just it....I don't have to. They know.
I've struggled lately but received an epiphany of sorts.....People who WANT to be a part of your life....will be. Period. And if they don't....its ok. God places people in your life for a reason....and some for a season.....that is just life.
I'm so grateful for David. I simply don't know what I'd do without him. I'm not the easiest to love right now. We definately need to be praying for him! :) I know he didn't "sign up" for all of this. But I know in my heart he is in this for the long haul.
This week's stuff:
Wed....nuttin! :)
Thurs.....check in for surgery to place port at 6 am. My sweet Sonya is taking me and holding my hand! :)
Friday.....Chemo at 1.
Sat....Sun....Stay tuned. :(
Game on!!
Prayers needed my friends....
In Him,
Terri
Love your thoughts, Terri! Love your honesty. Praying daily.
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