Jay

All of the posts on this blog....I re-read them occasonally.  Already in just a couple of weeks that I began writing, going back and reflecting reminds me of little details of certain days that I had not necessarily "forgotten".....but the joy and or emotion of it touches me all over again.  Among of the reasons why I decided to blog....to record every aspect of this journey.  Not only for me....but for my children and others that may be seeking to understand me....or my walk through this.

To be honest, I'm learning about myself.  I had been told what a "therapuetic" thing it is to journal your thoughts daily.  But I'm now drawn to it to the point that I really DO need it.  Anyway, in reading, I realized how I've left a very important person out of many posts.....this person impacts my EVERY day.  This entire post (and I can get as wordy in my blogs....as HE can from the pulpit! :))  is dedicated to my little brother, Jay....whether he likes it or not.  I'm not certain if he even reads these blogs.....but one day....I want him to have it IN WRITING exactly how much he means to me. 

Where in the WORLD do I begin.  I was kind of a "turd" growing up.  haha  I was dramatic, kind of a smart-mouth at times, probably a little selfish, as most "girls" sometimes are.  Jay was...in my eyes...."the good kid"!  While I'm sure he got in trouble from mom & dad many times throughout his life.....I honestly don't remember it!  We tease him that he must get tired at night having to "throw out the moon and the stars"  :) 

He and I are six years apart.  Ok....I'm the older one.  Was going to leave THAT part out!  Being that far apart in age growing up....we didn't "hang out" as some siblings do.  I mean...I was graduating high school when he was entering Jr. High. 

Some of my fond memories are on family road trips......(We moved from West Helena to Newport and still made trips back to WH often to see family, etc)....he and I would ride in the back seat and would lay down and put our feet up against each other and have "Feet Fights."  :)  My legs were much longer....and in the back of our old "Chevy Citation".....if I straightened them out TOTALLY, then he had no chance of beating me.  He soon learned my way of cheating....and we would scream at each other through total laughter....."BEND!  BEND!"   :) 

Another childhood memory, Jay and I had a little "song and dance" act that we could perform. Just work with me here....and imagine for a moment: 

 It was an old cat food commercial.....and I'll type the lyrics in a moment.  But to set the stage....I would take an old bath towel and wrap it around my neck like a boa.....Jay was my "Backup Singer" who had one line:  "Ba Do Ba Do....."   That was it.  He danced around and when I pointed at him.....and in his deepest "Elvis" voice he was to sing his "line"....and with gusto!!  :)

Here I go...twirling my bathtowel....similar to probably what a Vegas showgirl would do.....I loved the stage.  I loved an audience.  I was the STAR of the "cat food" song.....

"Catfish got more flava....in one bag.......(Jay) Ba Do Ba Do.....
 Catfish got more flava....more flavor (high pitch!!!)......(and Jay)  Ba Do Ba Do.......
 Tasty Chicken....(Jay) Ooooooooo
 Lively Liver...... (Jay Ooooooooo
 Tasty Beef and Cheese TOOOOOOOO  (glass breaking now)..........
(TOGETHER for the big finale).....BA DO BA DOOOOOOOOO!   :))"

We started out fairly young on this little production......but what's scary....is Im certain we have performed this as adults from time to time at family gatherings when we get to laughing about it. 

I couldn't post about him without embarrassing him a little. :)  While I loved him growing up.....what I treasure about our relationship is how much he means to me now.  I posted a few days ago about striving to be "Imitators of God"......Jay is the essense of a Godly man.  In fact, in my eyes, He about the closest thing to being "Christ-like" here on earth, that I've ever seen.

He professed his faith at an early age.  Jay was the youngest "Lay Speaker" in the Methodist church at the age of 14.  (youngest at THAT time).  He was awarded the "Denman" (I THINK that is the name of it) Award at Annual Conference that year.....the first youth EVER to receive it.  While he answered his calling into the ministry a little later in life....and I'm sure met a few obstacles along the way.  I know this.  Jay is one of the "Godliest" men I have ever met. 

Mom had us at church....our whole life.  We grew up Methodist....attended church faithfully.....Jay and I both were Youth Ministers in the Methodist system....Jay...a full time Youth Director at a couple of different churches.  He is now a Pentecostal preacher!  :)  Far cry from our meek Methodist upbringing....but He preaches the WORD!  He is powerful.  He is incredible.  The differences in the "religions" are too many to name.  But its funny....Jay and I have had many "theological" discussions.  I seek his wisdom often....and "religion" is never discussed.  We talk about God.  We talk about the Bible.  Jay is a vessel dedicated to take Jesus into every heart he meets.

Throughout my life....he has NEVER once disappointed me.  Possibly the only man who has never once let me down. Don't get me wrong....we weren't the "Brady Bunch".....or the "Clevers" growing up.  We don't always see eye to eye.  But no matter what.....he leaves me with "I love ya sis" and I know and believe that he does.  He has a precious wife, Leah.....and two beautiful children, Jacob and Hannah.  He is raising his children in a Godly home.....and I know for a FACT that by now he has earned the title of "The good child"!  :)  My mother would be so proud.

I'm sure everytime I call him....he sees my name across his phone and wonders...."Oh Lord...now what?"  lol   Its no secret that I'm a "crises magnet".....and many times throughout my life, its been at the result of my own choices.  But never once has he not been there for me.  Never once has he not stood right there by my side.  Never once has he judged me or loved me less for any mistake I've ever made.  He ALWAYS has the words to make me feel differently about a situation.  To ease my anxiety.....be it about finances....or cancer.....or family matters. 

Since my mom died....he and I have felt like we lost the "glue" that held our family together.  We have had to work at keeping close.  Especially due to the miles between us.  I think of him everyday.  I talk to him often.  Lately, nearly every day.  He is so honest with me.  Shoots me straight on sometimes not what I WANT to hear....but what I NEED to hear.  I don't know if he really knows just how much he means to me. 

Growing up...we weren't a family that said "I love you"  often.  There are times when I'm talkin to Jay and when we hang up David scolds me...."Why didn't you tell your brother you loved him?"  Of course, sometimes we do say the words.  But sometimes we don't.  The love is still there.  And I sure hope HE knows that.  Because I do.  I'm so proud of the man, the pastor, the father, the husband, the brother and friend that he is today.  So proud.

I want so badly for him to be just as proud of me someday.  I'm working on that.  He is teaching me so much! About faith, about tithing, about God, about life, about love, about forgiveness.  Sometimes he is outwardly TRYING to teach me.....others, I'm learning by his example.  I am sometimes selfish and call him with my "latest crises".....lately the darn cancer.  But rarely ask how HE is.  I'm sure as a man, he has struggles.  He lost the same precious mother I did to cancer.  He has the same Dad we rarely see. He has the same grandparents that live away and we miss and love and worry about.  He, too, is raising children in a hard, hard world.  He has a mortgage and bills and everyday worries.  I'm sure.  He also has a sister with breast cancer. 

I pray for Jay and his family daily.  I love them with all of my heart. 
I heard a song on KLove yesterday, just after a conversation I had with him, where once again, his words were working to heal my broken heart.  This spoke to me.....and tells exactly how I feel for him.....

The Words I Would Say lyricsThree in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face

I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

CHORUS
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are

I know cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths

CHORUS

Say... from one simple life to another
I will say... come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here

Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

I love you little brother.... When we get to heaven....can't wait to hear what all momma has to say to you!  :)

Blessings my friends.....please keep Emme in your prayers.  Her surgery is tomorrow.  Pray for her and her precious family.  Also, my sweet Kim....awaiting surgery next week.

In Him,
Terri