The "Plan"

What a day.....yesterday that is. I should have gone back home and crawled into bed with the covers over my head when only moments into my day....I fall flat on my hiney....in front of several co-workers (I work with ALL men)....in a dress. Reminded me of the other day when I was joking with girlfriends....wondering if losing "the girls" would affect my balance like losing a big toe or something! haha As I posted in a Facebook status....I can attest....Yep! it does! :) That....in conjunction with my "big girl wedges"!

Anyway....when ya fall down...momma always taught me to get right back up. Right?? So I did.....didn't bother looking around at who all saw....because I am quite certain that everyone did. I had done my "good deed" for the day and started everyone's Monday off with a laugh! Only cost me a bloody knee. No biggie!

I was anxious most of the day. Was seeing the "Man with the Plan" at the end of the day. My oncologist. To be completely honest, I could think of little else all day. But the day seemed to pass quickly, thankfully.

One thing of note....I was flat out rude to someone today...before I could even help myself! Since becoming a single parent, I did not have health insurance for myself. The kids are covered....but when you are a single mom trying to put out the "fires closest to ya".....things like that, no matter how important, sometimes take a back burner. Thankfully, I'm covered now. But for a long time...I didn't have coverage, and therefore my mammograms and physical exams were pretty behind. It has weighed heavily on my mind for a while. Ironically, about 6-8 weeks ago, I ran across information about the "Arkansas Breast Care" program (not sure of its official name...but that's close).....geared to help people....like me, who were uninsured with mammograms, etc. Curious, I called to inquire. Left 4 separate messages with no return call. So just sort of gave up.

Yesterday, I received a call on my cell phone. I'm gonna tell on myself here....I'm a "screener". If I don't recognize the number, I usually let it go to voicemail, because somehow telemarketers have found me on my cell. Uggggg! But usually, if it appears to be a local number, I will answer thinking it may be a client, a kiddo calling from a different phone, or lately....a doctor's office calling for one thing or another.

I answered the call....and it was "so & so" calling from the Health Department getting back to me on my "recent" inquiry of the BreastCare program. Recent? For Real? She asked me if I was still in need of a mammogram. I actually laughed ....out loud! I proceeded to tell her, with a "touch" of that attitude I've been known to get at times when I'm ticked...and I quote: "Ma'am, with all due respect, I contacted you no less than 6 weeks ago, maybe longer, and since that time, I've been diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer, after a lumpectomy, bone scans, CT scans, a mountain of blood work, a double mastectomy, and I will be seeing my oncologist this afternoon!! In answer to your question....I will NOT be needing a mammogram!!" I was a tad snotty....and very aggravated! You could have heard a pin drop....and I'm certain I was probably probably preaching to the wrong choir. But geesh! She proceeded to apologize....to advise me of low staff, et c. etc., blah blah blah. Kiss my booty. I informed her that simple phone calls take only moments and could save lives. Hope my little tantrum helped another lady down the line....and it made me feel a bit better for a second! Lord, forgive me for failing to use grace.....sigh.

Feel a little guilty now. But...I have cancer. :) Please laugh. We joke at home how I play the "cancer card" for silly things like asking the kids to re-fill my drink or bring me something trivial. I would probably bet that my day ended probably worse than hers. Confession is good for the soul! Thanks for allowing me to do so! ha

Picked up my Syd....and we headed to Little Rock to meet my new oncologist, Dr. Sneed. Heard awesome things about him. And was pretty ready to get this ball rolling. I'm thinking in hindsight if I did the right thing in letting her go with me. She has done a lot of "growing up" in the last few weeks. But I hadn't prepared myself for the emotions of what I would see....and I hope I didn't hurt her.

In the surgeon's office....Everyone looks healthy. People look like who you might run into at the grocery store or church. Noone looks "sick". Not the case here. You can tell by looking...everyone there has been affected by the Big C. For me....the "FBC". The knowing looks, the little bald heads, the wigs, the scarves, wheelchairs, ports.....all of it. Everyone looks "sick". Folks, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am sick. Not necessarily from the cancer. But about to be....because of the chemo. I guess its time to create a new "acronym"...FC. The C...being Chemo. Insert appropriate "F" word as you feel moved. I'll refrain from sharing mine! :) This is a family page!

Anyway, my sweet friend Sonya met us there. All smiles, pretty as ever, a skinny minnie....she has beat me at the "diet game"....so proud of her. We checked in and proceeded to wait a bit. Visiting a bit in between my calls to the back for bloodwork....then the "money" lady.....etc etc. We were finally called to our exam room and met cute little Josh.

I'm sure he was no more than 21 or 22 years old...but had a deep voice and called me "darlin". A precious smile, and a gentle nature. A cutie PAtootie....young enough to be my son....but smart enough to lighten the mood. FBC was kinda the "elephant in the room". He put me on the scales....Ugggggg.....but allowed me to take off the "big girl shoes" first....I'm sure those silly things weigh at least a couple of pounds a piece! :) He even let me choose which number the little bar teetered to! What a guy! :)

Josh discussed my medical history....prepared everything for review by the doc. Not entirely sure what his title is.....nurse, intern, resident. I didn't really care. Today, he was a cute little breath of fresh air! :) Sonya and Syd agreed! :))

Dr. Sneed entered, consulted with me briefly, asked me to dawn, this time a cloth gown....open in the front....still know the drill. He completed his exam, and I was able to dress. He came back to have "the talk."

My Deb, nurse friend, and "Medical Agent" hehe, is out of town this week at a medical conference. So, I am fuzzy on exactly what he said, and exactly what everything he DID say....means. Deb is already on the ball with her friend there, an oncology nurse, to get the low-down. My chart hadn't been dictated yet, but she will call Deb as soon as she gets the info in front of her.

This is what I know. First off....I am NOT "Stage 3"....I am "Grade 3".....big difference. What the differences are? I'm not entirely sure. But my stage is defined as "Stage 2A" Breast Cancer. So I've got some googling to do. And some previous googling to "throw out."

He asked me what I understand to be going on. I told him....and when I said the words "Cancer Free"....he stopped me. He said, "I hate it when surgeons say "we got it all".....or "cancer free". There is absolutely NO test to determine that. They CAN say we got all that "we could see".....but again, big difference." He went on to explain that molecular cells cannot be seen by the eye, nor is there any kind of test to see them....and this is the stage when chemo is effective in killing them. When they become tumors, is when they become a problem. Our goal....to kill anything that can/cannot be seen.

He also gave me a few statistics. He used a computerized prognosis tool....entered in my info. If we were to do nothing and stop here....my chances of the FBC coming back in other places in my body are 40%. (Wow....dang it. That's a big ole number!)

So he presented me with two optional chemo regimens. The first....6 treatments every two weeks. VERY very invasive, horrible drugs, with debilitating side effects. So bad, that I would virtually be homebound and almost bed-ridden for the entire 3 months. No work, no kids' activities. No life as I know it. Wow. What KIND of an option is THAT? He said he hasn't even prescribed this plan to anyone in more than a year due to such adverse side effects; however, I am young and in otherwise perfect health, that I was possibly a candidate. 3 months ....done. This treatment plan reduces that 40% risk....down to 18%.

OR....Option 2. 8 treatments given every 3 weeks. (6 months). Double the time....ugggg. Another evil. Side effects still include hair loss (all three drugs in this "cocktail" list that as a top side effect....so the hair will be gone....accepted that. I will be bald forever....as long as my "forever" allows me to meet my GREAT grandchildren!), nausea, which they've had good luck in treating with various meds, and most of all fatigue, created by low blood counts. These are manageable. After a few days, you can function normally for a couple of weeks before starting over. Quality of life much better. Risk at the end of THIS plan....20%. Only 2% difference.

I have to work. I have to be there for my kids. If I'm under "house arrest" for 3 months missing everything about my normal life.....depression would be so deep I don't know if I could ever snap out of it. There isn't really another option for me. In fact, the doc quickly appeared to even take the first one off the table. His words..."you have to LIVE while you are ALIVE!"

The percentages were a bit discouraging. I don't like 20%. (nor do I like the 18%) Geesh. I'm gonna be fighting this thing a while. A 6 month treatment plan has to be completed before I can even begin to think about reconstruction. We're looking about a year on this battle.....IF everything goes well.

Not sure what I was expecting. But this didn't feel like a victory for me. I felt a bit defeated. I made it home before retreating to my room for the "breakdown" I encountered that everyone has been fearing. I literally climbed into the bed, with the covers over my head. Had one heck of a cry to Deb, but really didn't wanna talk to a soul. Didn't wanna blog. Was mean to David, was grumpy and short with the kids. I was just broken. I had a long talk with God. To be completely vulnerable in sharing this....I whined to Him a little. I cried out asking "Why?" Not necessarily why I deserve this....because I've made plenty of mistakes in my lifetime....that on that type of scale, maybe I do deserve some FBC karma. But my children....deserve a healthy mom. They deserve so much more than taking care of me....or having noone there for them while I'm busy being a cancer patient. FC!!!!

Friends, I'm blessed. I woke up better this morning. I fell onto my knees in prayer. His comfort overwhelmed me. Satan still has tried to step in a few times here and there today to try and shake my faith. But God followed up every action....with a graceful and glorious REaction. He placed people in my paths at just the right time to pick up those pieces and remind me to fight. Calls, texts, cards, Facebook messages, emails....all of it. Means so much to me! Reminded me to "get up". Last night was a "fall". Today....was climbing back up.

A few details:
May 29th: I meet with Dr. Hagans, surgeon, for another post-op checkup. Hopefully saying bye bye to the drains. Still hating the darn things....but my new friend and nurse for Dr. Sneed fixed me up with a little something a tad more comfortable than tucking them into my panties! So far so good! :)

Dr. Hagans office is to schedule at that time placement of a permanent port for use with chemo. I believe its an outpatient sort of thing....not a big deal. I will set up that appointment when I go in that day.

Also, I am to have an EKG and some additional blood work before my next oncology visit that will most likely be sometime next week.

June 11: I see Dr. Sneed to get the finalized drug regimen and results to all the above tests.

June 15: Chemo begins. Will be every third Friday after that. I am trying to back it up to a weekend to avoid missing as little work as possible.

There ya have it. This is the not so fun part....where the cure is worse than the disease. I'm gonna be bald. I'm gonna be tired. Probably gonna puke a little. May sleep too much. But here we go. Let's kick it!

Lord....I STILL praise you in this storm. That is a promise. I've seen the blessings. And I've seen first hand people who would love to trade for MY diagnosis. My sweet Becca posted a Facebook status yesterday that hit home and would like to share..."If you put all your problems in a pile with everyone else's....its highly likely that you would pull yours back out and keep them rather than trade for theirs." How true. Walk into Arkansas Oncology.....and you will get a big ole dose of that statement. I sure did!

One last funny before I need to sleep....Tonight we actually all went to dinner as a family. A friend had sent me a Chili's gift card (Thanks Jami!!) so we treated ourselves. David is super picky about his burger being "done". Well there was a hint of pink and he was doin a little griping. My sweet Sam....God love him....said, "It's a "Breast Cancer Awareness" Burger....Pink". We all busted out laughing (complete with diet coke out the nose!) Ya might have had to be there.....but it was pretty funny stuff right there! :)

Another thought stolen from my brother.....who SO brightened my day with a chat ......I'm rephrasing a bit....but here goes, "Let your true colors shine through as a rainbow".....Its sad when they are not. :(

Please keep my friends Kim and Emme in your prayers. And as always, please keep praying for the kiddos and I. Blessings for a wonderful day tomorrow.

In Him
Terri