Boldness

I'm starting this post with a "Hi Friends!!" Because this is one I intend to post.  I realize it's been a minute.  I've still been doing a lot of writing....just not a lot of posting.  When a person writes for therapy, their family and friends often become the target...and/or victim...of those posts, and sometimes I don't post to protect privacy.  Other times, my feelings may actually get me into trouble! Haha.  So I write and they are safely tucked away beneath a password nobody can crack. 

This post, however, is for the purpose of accountability.  I'll get to that in a minute.  

Change is good.  Change is hard.  Change is inevitable.  

I've been through a fair amount of change in the past few months.  I've learned when you pray those "scary prayers"....ya know....the ones where when you ask God questions, you better be prepared for His answers??? When you pray scary prayers...your heart needs to be ready. He answered with four new sons, a son who became an adult in an instant, a daughter who keeps me on my toes, a new job that is bringing with it precious new friends.....change. 

I've learned when you begin each day thanking Him for His blessings, instead of seeking Him for your burdens....those burdens slowly disappear.  Right now, today, I'm more blessed than any woman deserves to be.  Especially broken little me. 

I've learned that Satan attacks God's strongest soldiers.  We make him nervous. And sometimes.....he actually wins. But there is no greater "joy in the morning" than turning your eyes back to Jesus and being broken before Him. 

As I lie in bed, at sunrise on this beautiful Sunday morning....and ALL my people sleeping soundly in the next room.....I felt the need to recognize my blessings today, and take the burden that is weighing me down and go to Him. 

I've spent the last couple of days in deep talks with my Sam.  Having him home is a joy in itself. But having one-on-one, heart to heart talks is rare. He told me of some changes within himself that he has made.  He spoke of some "demons" that have been weighing him down, that he has chosen to lay at the cross.  

He shared with me something he learned in the Word through one of his small groups...."to approach the throne with BOLDNESS". Hebrews 4:16 tells us "Therefore we should come with boldness to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and may find grace for help in time of need."  

Watching my meek, passive, child....quote scripture, and follow it with such confidence.   A BOLDNESS...y'all.  Sam isn't afraid.  Sam was comforted and confident and BOLD in his approach to accept the grace and mercy of God, even in his weakness. Ready to accept consequence of his brokenness without a fear, because of a trust in God's plan. Oh, to be that obedient.  To lay out burdens at the feet of Christ, and never pick them up again.....Go Sam.  

That kid walked in a new young man this weekend.  As a mom, what a precious moment to watch him experience that JOY, that take many years to find.  And only sorrow for those who may not understand. 

I learned something from him in these moments. To approach ANYTHING hurting us a with a boldness.  A confidence that with Christ, nothing is too great for His mercy.  And His grace. 

Friends, I need prayer. I'm not healthy.  No, the cancer has not come back....my God BOLDLY took care of that...but frankly?  I'm fat. 

Laugh if you must, but this is a true burden. Lately, I've noticed many things. I can't keep up.  While at Disney, I struggled just keeping up with my daughter and her friends.  I was forced to rest often because...I LITERALLY, cannot keep up. 

I hurt.  My back hurts, my knees hurt, my body just aches.  No doubt due to the weight I'm carrying. 

I look horrible in pictures. In fact, I almost choose not to be in them, because I'm so unhappy with my appearance. 

All of this may sound trite, but please know that I'm not a vain person. I can't wait to get home and stay there. Simply going to the grocery store wears me out. Ballgames and school functions wipe me out. 

I'm not healthy. 

Yesterday my timehop reminded me that exactly 4 years ago, I reached a weight loss goal of 50lbs lost. I looked and felt better than I ever had. It also saved my life by revealing a lump in my breast, that could have taken my life had I not lost the weight and known it was there. 

Anyway, I posted this picture, taken on Easter Sunday, two weeks before my diagnosis...

So...I'm making the decision, to get it back off.  Again.  Damn you, steroids.  And chemotherapy.  

Okay....and diet cokes.  And chocolate.  And French fries.  

I want to approach this burden of my health....with a boldness.  It will be harder than ever before.  With my age.  My busy schedule. My large family to feed.  And my inability to do all the things I could before. 

I am asking for prayer.  And help.  And loving nudges to help me on this journey. 

I want to stand on a beach in June.  Take pictures and capture memories with my family. For I realize, there may not be many more with us as a whole.  I don't want to be embarrassed because of how I look. I want to FEEL like soaking up every moment with them. 

This is my goal.  40 lbs.  by June 25.  

Approaching with a boldness.  Will you pray for me? (And Sam, too....as his faith walk continues to change him.)

In Him,

Terri

Bye Bye, Pink Month

On the eve of the last day of the dreaded “Pink Month”….I find myself hating cancer today. Of missing my mom.  Of being just kinda ticked.  I have those days.  Guessing we all do.

I had my checkup this month…And while all is well from an "oncology" standpoint, all kinda isn’t well. I try not to talk about cancer often. But the fact is…that I have to. Its my therapy, y’all. And this month, along with its races, and pink ribbons, and anniversary dates, etc, I find myself reliving it. Cancer…is a mean, mean beast. Mean. 

And it’s cure? Even meaner.

When I walked out of my last chemo session three years ago, the sweet nurses (turned sweet friends) who shepherded me through the previous 7 treatments pushed play on the virtual boom box and the song, "Hit the Road Jack," filled the air. With smiles, hugs and tears, we said goodbye and the refrain, “don’t cha come back no more,” couldn’t have been more on point. However, there was no similar ceremony at the oncologist’s office after the termination of chemotherapy, as the message was clearly delivered, “I am your doctor now, and we are going to be friends a very long time. We will continue to follow your care.” The idea of trading in a primary care physician for an oncologist still brings a knot to my stomach. I’m well aware that the biannual blood tests and frequent X-rays have one purpose: scanning for the return of the monster. 

As a result, I always feel strange sitting in the waiting room of my oncologist’s office. Three years out, I can still recall the feeling of being in active treatment, waiting for my name to be called so I could take my chair and get hooked up for the next five hours. I cannot help but scan the room these days and feel deep empathy for those who I know are only starting their journey. As I’ve said a million times, I feel a twinge of survivor’s guilt as I sit with my head full of regrown hair, full blood count, and absence of chemo-induced fatigue. I want to SCREAM to everyone…I am still affected. Still tired. Still have chemo-brain, and am probably almost as scared as they are. 

Almost. 

But I’m not.

During these times, I remember what it felt like to be starting this challenge and how I felt when survivors showed up, aglow with a radiance that comes from having survived the perfect storm of physical and emotional traumas. To ease this guilt, I imagine that I’m being seen as an inspiration — living proof, with a huge emphasis on the living part — that treatment can work, the beast can be tamed. However, part of me is aware that others may be thinking, as I did on occasion, “How dare you look so healthy!” 

The sobering moment arrives when I see that person who I know may never get to have a final appointment, who may never know the relief of a clear CT scan or blood work. To say that one is humbled by this awareness falls short of the affective response deep within one’s heart. As a faithful Christian, I want to reach out and hold that person’s deepest fears while they regain, if even for a moment, the ability to breathe freely again. I want to tell them that I know the demons they face and assure them that, despite how it appears, all is well. Instead of opening up my therapist tool kit, however, I choose to sit as a silent patient who’s simply waiting her turn to be called to see the doctor. Often, I recite a silent prayer or healing mantra to the others who wait with me, as there are moments when no words can be just as powerful as any cliché: “Hang in there,” or “It will get better.” 

As the dreaded PINK MONTH ends, I always meet and have a newfound kinship with new survivors in my life….or the dreaded “newly diagnosed” in my life. For really…they are the ones who “get it.” Sure, we’re all connected at that moment by the label “patient,” but it’s a deeper connection one senses; a communal sharing of the fragility, humility and resiliency of the human spirit. While I still hate having an oncologist as my PCP, tempered by this experience of community, it’s a hate I hope to have well into the future.

This month is about awareness. I’m kinda cranky when I hear my dear loved ones and friends complaining about the discomfort of a mammogram. Trust me! It’s not as bad as chemo. So….hush it. And get ‘em. Just get them already.

Thanks for letting me have a little “cancer talk” today. I'm pretty sure I earned it.

God bless those fighting. Hug them. Love them. Pray for them.

In Him,
Terri

Bonus Blend

Just lazy in bed in this morning. The alarm clock will go off shortly...and the "sweet blessings of chaos" of the day will commence. But for now, all my "littles" are still sleeping soundly and its soooo quiet.

Happiness consumes me. I guess I'm showing my age, but I'm just reflecting this morning. I started out writing a Facebook status and after a few lines in, decided I better open the blog app. This one is gonna be a bit long for that! Haha. So here I am.

An update. My Sam is LOVING college. I have been THAT mom who downloaded snapchat so I could just see his face. :). He is right where he needs to be. This transition into adulthood is heaven-sent, I tell ya. Where life lessons are taught lovingly. He is meeting and making great friends, settling in with the team, adoring his coaches, engaging in church and life group activities, and his grades are just fine. Midterm grades are in and I'm pleased. God granted me the best kiddo in the world to flee the nest first. He loves his momma so he pacifies me with some sort of daily communication....and he is making me proud. He also has a new "friend" (of the female nature) that is simply preccccioussssss. Had is first game last Saturday....and headed back to watch him again this weekend. I'm getting to know his friends, their parents, and its good. All of it. So very good.

Syd. Still a mess. With all the change, she is adjusting slowly. But outside of the teenage hormonal "mouth" ....(I'm convinced if it were possible for God to have made a mistake, that it was allowing teenage girls to talk at all).....she is becoming very independent, thriving in all her activities, and still my best friend. She and her dance team are going to Disney to compete in the National Dance competition in a few months....so when they aren't at a game or school....they are practicing. They work so hard. I've never been to Disney or in a place to be able to take my kiddos. And have NO idea how I'm gonna afford to go, but somehow, we are gonna make it happen so that I can be like all the other moms and be with her. I pray everyday that we can make this happen. Kinda hard to hit the lotto when ya don't even play! ha Sydney doesn't stray far from me. There is no way she will get on a plane without me.

But... I am SO proud that they are being honored and rewarded and being able to represent our town in this way. Join me in prayers for their efforts and fundraising endeavors. They so deserve it.

Here is an update to my previous post..."I'm Nobody..."

The boys are settling in perfectly. They smile the kind of smiles that show ALL over your face! Eyes light up....the whole bit. I look forward to hearing from and talking to each one of them....each and everyday. While our "legal issues" are still in process, I can tell ya that those boys are my sons. No, I don't have a right to them in the eyes of the law....but in my heart....they are my sons.

We DID have our court hearing. Or rather.....we showed up for the court hearing. God moved! The "other parties" never filed the proper paperwork so there never was a guardianship. The case was closed years ago. So the judge said..."take your boys and go home." It was the most wonderful day. The boys were so happy....as were we.

Bonus Son #1:
For the first time, the he just gets to be a kid. He gets to worry about "kid stuff," not raising his brothers. Homecoming dates. Grades. His first job. Football. I'm watching the sadness in his eyes....slowly disappear. Oh how my heart is happy!

He is also struggling with his knee. Age 16, and two knee surgeries under his belt. Unfortunately, he didn't receive the physical therapy that was needed to bounce back. We are working through those issues now. All he wants to do is play football. All WE, as parents want...is for him to be happy. And will do whatever it takes to achieve that. Please pray for him.

I love my relationship with this one. How he knows he can come to me for whatever. How he talks to me about prayer. And his future. (He wants to be a doctor. And no doubt, he will be!) And his new girlfriend. Shopping with him for the perfect homecoming clothes. His disappointment of the past....and his knee....all of it. We are building trust. And love. And it is good. Real, real good. I strive everyday to be a mom to him.....one that makes him proud. One that he can love. And count on. And trust. Just be a kid, sweet boy. Be a kid.

#2: This one is a funny, funny kid. He makes me laugh....every single day. I do worry about him...and how his heart must have been so shattered the past few years. My goal....to fix that. And fast. Grades were iffy in the beginning....but whether he knows it or not....the accountability we have given him, and the incentives placed before him to get them up??? Are working! After the first 9 weeks....they are up! He is working hard...and it shows. And when we have the roundtable "checking of the grades"....his eyes are fixed upon us as we check. He knows his hard work is paying off. I am so proud. I just love him so.

The first to say "thank you" for the meal we prepare. And "love you" as he gets off the phone. This one is special.

Since the "custody stuff" is settled....he (and his brother) can now dress out for games on Friday nights. My boys are Panthers. In every sense of the word.

#3: This one....has my WHOLE heart. I probably worry about him the most. (It's a momma thing....). Although....great strides have been made. I can't wait to write about those. He is my buddy. The first one to help me unload the car on grocery day. The first one to offer if I say "I need a volunteer...". Other than the STINKIEST feet on the planet....I cannot say a cross word about this one. I've watched this sad, sad child, open up and just steal my heart. When the others are playing Xbox and watching sports....this one pads into my bedroom and snuggles in with me to watch whatever "chick flick" I have playing. This one...says "I love you" (and says it first) and gives me a hug before he leaves every morning....and before he goes to bed....EVERY night.  This one points out the houses along the Arkansas River that he plans to buy us one day when he makes it big in the NBA.  I asked him about his backup plan if the NBA doesn't work out?  Well....the NFL... then.  :)  He is my dreamer.  Dream big...kiddo.  Dream big.

This one...gets a tummy ache...when he thinks he has disappointed us. He frets over always doing the right thing. If only he knew....that NOTHING could make us not love him. Or be disappointed in him. Time will fix that. This, I know.

His grades are good, except for a struggle in one class. But we have faith in him. And let him know this daily. My goal...for the sadness to leave. And forever. And ever. I adore this child.

#4: Oh goodness....our baby. God broke the mold, y'all. This one is a the family clown. The class clown. He is the extreme to every emotion. A little love bug...that we hold our breath each day to see if there were any "issues". haha A frequent flyer in DH....we are working on this one. Severely, ADHD....we have finally starting the counseling process and have appointments forthcoming to have him evaluated. It was found that he was diagnosed years ago....but so many "missed appointments, sessions and evaluations." they closed his case. So we are starting over. I'm good with that. Fresh start. We WILL make sure he has all of the tools he needs to be successful.

His grades are for the most part, good. We have a great working relationship with his teachers, counselors, etc. and he is in a situation to be his best. I have noticed that things are settling down for him. No real issues in a few weeks. He knows he is home. And to stay. What a weight lifted for this child.

He tugged at my heart recently. When someone asked him who takes him to church? He said, "my mom and my dad...." I had to leave the room and take a moment. "My mom....." <3

For prayer purposes, here are some ways you can pray for us....

Protection of the boys hearts. They have been repeatedly placed in the middle of "adult stuff." And some were continuing to try to do that, but thankfully that is better. We are protecting them at ALL costs.

We are still trying to get the order for stopping of child support. SOOOO, that said...we are still paying for them (going on week 12) while they are living with us. I cannot begin to tell you what a financial struggle this is.  In addition, we are not receiving from their biological mother....as she is TOO paying to the grandmother. Or rather....supposed to be. We have no way of knowing that, yet. Our attorney is working on that. Thank GOD for him. A blessing.

Pray for my family. That we can create a home for them....a loving home. Where they have the tools....not to "survive"....but to THRIVE!  That I continue to get to know these little things about them. Like a momma should...

All six of these kids are so incredibly easy to love. My home is alive with laughter. And silliness. And love. Are we perfect?  Nope.  That means they are comfortable.  There are no "steps" in my house. None to enter our home...and none withIN our home. Family isn't defined by blood...only love. Love of the Lord....and each other.

My cup overflows.

God is good, y'all. So good.  His timing is perfect.  He is HEARING our prayers...and responding to our calls. So many ways I can back that up.

In Him,

Terri

Cancer Catwalk

This week I'm jumpin WAY out of my comfort zone, y'all.  From my "comfort zone" to the "catwalk"....literally.

I have the honor of participating in the "Runway For a Cause" whereby proceeds benefit the Arkansas Affiliate of Susan G. Komen.  All of the models will be dressed in fashions by local boutiques and are breast cancer survivors.

You can read all about it here!  :)

It wasn't until I went to the "meet & greet" recently, which was an informational meeting over "wine and goodies" with the committee and the other models that I realized just how BIG this thing is.  They raised about $75,000 last year....and this year, when 850 tickets were sold out, they are scrambling to add more tables to sell more tickets.  Wow. That's a lot of folks.  The venue is HUGE and little ole' me is going to strut down the runway in what will inevitably be in front of about 1000 people????  For the last couple of weeks, thinking about it has made me sick and feel like this MUST be worse than cancer......

For you see?  I have never thought of myself as pretty by society's standards.  Shorter than most.....Heavier than I should be....Hair that never really does what I want it to....ya get the jist. However...there HAVE been times that I FELT pretty.  Don't get me wrong...I didn't wear a bag over my head and let it affect me or depress me. Vanity was never that big of a deal.  

But since cancer???  Not once. I can honestly say....that not one time have I felt pretty.  Again....I'm not really a vain person, but sometimes...it sorta does get to me.  Once I described my body as a place where Edward Scissorhands has played Connect-The-Dots.  I've been cut armpit to armpit....twice.  Distorted.  Ugly.  The steriods, the hormonal changes, and most likely age (and ok....since I always write from a place of honesty....the donuts) have packed the pounds on me,  I just can't get this weight off no matter how hard I try.  My hair.  EVERY single person I have ever known who lost their hair to chemo....it came back different from before.  I was like...YES!  Nope....I got the same ole thick..."just enough curl to cause problems" hair.  And, cancer caused it to be gray!!  (That's my story and I'm stickin to it!)  :)  Thank goodness for great colorists!  <3

A double mastectomy is brutal.  3 years later and I'm still not the same.  Physically or Emotionally.  Due to my insurance woes....Reconstruction was really never a viable option.  And by the time ya beat cancer AND the "Red Devil"???  Who really cared??  I didn't.  Nothin can make me look better nekkid.  :)  So I've got my fake boobies on a shelf in my closet should they ever matter.  I've had them on twice.  The day I got them and when I was a bridesmaid in a wedding.  I'm still undecided if they will accompany me down the runway on Thursday.  They are sorta like a statement of being something that I'm just not.  Weird....I know.

If I hear one more time...."Who cares?  You're alive!  You beat it!" I think I will punch someone.  While, I'm so happy to have beat it.  And SO happy to continue walking through the spider web and dodging the spider bite....it still succcckkkksssss... 
Forgive me...I don't really like using ugly words....but there really is no worthy equivalent. Yes, I'm healthy and alive.  But, it STILL took alot from me.  And from all who fight it.

As I was driving to work this morning....feeling fat and so UN-modelish, and counting down the days....not to this event....but to when this event was OVER...God spoke to me.  The message of the day on KLove was this, "If you are called to do something that is normally out of your character....then it is most likely GOD giving you a little nudge."  A lady called in to the show to say that she was in a public place with a woman obviously in the middle of a cancer fight.  She was pale, and weak and appeared to be exhausted.  She had a scarf on her head to hide her baldness.  The caller explained that....SO out of her character...she was given the urge to just walk over and hug her.  No matter how hard she tried....she couldn't resist and just hugged the lady tightly.  She explained that God was guiding her just then....to go out of her normal comfort zone, and extend love.

While this really isn't the same thing....it sorta is.  In two days....I get the opportunity to meet and be among 48 other women who have SURVIVED breast cancer.  Who have been through the surgeries and the chemos and the radiations and the fears and even the love.  These women have FOUGHT and WON!  Some are fighting and may just need MY story!  Bear with me a sec....but if each of these 48 women have at least 5 loved ones.  5 people who think that SHE is one of the most important women in their world....be it a spouse, partner, child, sister, parent, grandparent, friends.....That is 240 additional people that this disease reached.  And I get to celebrate WITH and AMONG them.  What a privilege!!!

It has already allowed me to spend some time catching up with my sweet friend, Dana....who was one of my greatest encouragers and heroes during my fight.  She will be the envy of everyone with her inward and outer beauty.  Cute as a button!  And, also Michelle...a friend from my childhood home and church home.  God made sure I wasn't alone.

These incredible fighters get it!  They understand the chemo brain.....and all the memories lost because of it.  That is why I blog and facebook so often.  I'm CONVINCED that Timehop was created by a "Chemo Survivor".....:)  My kiddos will forever have my words.  Forever.  And I will always have my life reminders of my posts.    

They understand the struggle with eyesight, and weight gain, and oncology checkups.  They realize the pain of simple things like a seatbelt and trying to scratch an itch in the middle of their back.  

They understand the personal kick in the stomach every single time they hear of someone around them with a new diagnosis.  If you could write a letter to a new Survivor Sister....This is what it would look like: Dear Terri...You have Cancer.

I've met with my vendors...and to be completely honest -- I left both places feeling inadequate.  Not necessarily because THEY made me feel this way....but because I don't feel worthy.  Both boutiques were beautiful and the clothes exquisite.  Price tags so out of my reach that this will be the only time I  can even DREAM of wearing these clothes.  I worry that I don't do them justice.  Or make anyone want to rush and purchase them.  In fact....the mere ticket to an event like this is out of my budget.

I have visions of the scene from Sex in the City where Carrie wore 6 inch heels to appear taller and after about 4 steps down the runway she took a flying fall and the models stepped over her like roadkill.  haha  As THIS 5'3" rolly polly steps into her mile high clog booties on Thursday....I just PRAY I can walk up there with the big girls without a casualty!  <3  While a part of me wishes I can lose 50 lbs and grow about 6 inches in 2 days....I know that is not a "realistic prayer."  :)

Then it hit me.  THIS isn't what it is about.  This is a celebration of Survivorhood.  This is a fun event for ladies who enjoy fashion.  This is a way to raise funds for a cure!  And for mammograms and for prevention.  For ladies JUST like me who didn't have insurance (or rather one that would pay.)  This is a way that I can give back.

I stand in a room once a week and I lead prayer for my children and their teams to simply do their best and honor Him.  I was instrumental in starting a ministry that's primary focus was to give it ALL to God, and let Him bless our efforts.  I was reminded this morning to do just that.  Time to do a little practicin' of what I've been preachin'....

So today?  I have a newfound joy in the events this week.  I splurged and got a mani/pedi.  I'm getting a spray tan and I had my hair did.  I will be wearing beautiful clothes specifically picked for me and I will have two of the best friends in the world there for ME.  I will meet new heros and inevitably be touched by bone-chilling inspiration.  I will be there early to sip mimosas and have my "hair and makeup did!"  For a few moments...I will strut my stuff, y'all.  

I think my mom would be so happy to see me on Thursday.  She would have been my biggest fan!
As always...I'm reminded what she used to say about anything that worried me...."Pray about it...and just put on some lipstick!"  I even wrote about that once....here.

You can bet...I won't be the prettiest.  I won't be the skinniest.  I may even stumble in those big ole shoes....But, rest assured.....I will be walking for my God.  For HE is always with me.  My God carried me through cancer...and all that entailed.  My God gave me Deb....who is STILL fighting for me...I still wonder how that lady got a ticket!  lol  My God gave me Kel....who never lets me down.  These girls are gonna have special jewels in their heavenly crowns for always being MY friend!  haha  There are others who are supporting me in spirit....and will no doubt lift me in prayer that day.
And...who knows??  For just a blip in time....I just might FEEL pretty. :)

I feel led to share the one and only picture I have of my "bald days"....a simple reminder of what cancer looks like....

It was during this time, that while I didn't feel "pretty"....I never felt more loved.

This Catwalk's for you, my Lord!  <3

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 4:6-7

In Him,

Terri

I'm Nobody?

".....start worrying about your own family, chick.  Hell, your not even married to this man.  So, your nobody."  This is a quote....so don't chastise me, grammar police!  :)

This was the end of a recent facebook posting. About me.  Apparently, I'm "nobody."  One more tidbit...it was written by the biological mother of my new sons.  A woman that I've laid eyes on one time in the 4+ years that I've known and loved this man.  A woman who has NOTHING to do with her children.  A woman who has resided right across the street from them for months and hasn't seen them.  A woman who hasn't had custody of them in ELEVEN years.  (note....the youngest is 12.  HER youngest is even younger....and not with her, either.)  A woman who hasn't inquired about them, made contact with us, OR them....at all.

That above statement almost laughable. Until, you reallllly sit and think about it.  Sad.   Sad....is what it is.

I come tonight asking for prayers.  I am wide awake with no sleep in sight.  Prayers for an impossible situation.  Almost like a "cancer".....and we all know that I know quite a bit about that.  Prayer for my bitter heart and lack of understanding.  For I will NEVER be able to understand or condone the actions of a bad mother.  Being a parent is such a gift.  A blessing straight from the heavens that should be the most important role one should EVER play.  As a mother.....I would claw the eyes out of ANYONE who tried to hurt my children.  Of ANYONE who would try to take them from me. 

The day my children were placed upon my chest....My life was forever changed.  While the road hasn't always been easy, I hope and pray that when I stand before my God, He WILL say to me "Well done, my faithful child....."   My children and I have survived death, divorce, cancer, financial struggles.....all of it.  But we are a team.  They know to seek Jesus.  Whether because of me or in SPITE of me....they know that they are loved.  Motherhood is a job I've never taken lightly.  

In addition, I've always respected not only the father of my children, but his wife as well.  I've never wanted my children to be torn.  I've always said...there is room enough in their hearts for all of us.  And I believe that.  Time after time, we can all come together for the needs of our children.  We can share meals together.  And Senior Nights.  And dorm move-ins. Baptisms.  All of their special moments.  Its about THEM.  Always.  I'd like to think we have always co-parented well.  I say all of that, to let you know my stance on dealing with "exes".  All who know me....know that about me.  And well.

I just don't get it.  I'm trying not to judge....but how can you have children and not raise them?  How can you walk away?  How can you place greed and selfishness above them and their needs?  How can you exhibit such ignorance as to post something so ugly about A) someone you've NEVER met and B) someone who is LOVING YOUR CHILDREN???  Lord, come quickly.

A few facts....for the need of specific prayers.
My David is a lineman.  10 years ago....he had custody of his children when he was called away out of state to work Hurricane Katrina.  The children went to stay with their grandmother who became their guardian.  While this was before I knew him, a part of me is angry at him for leaving them then.  However, the man had to work and provide. So, I'm praying about giving total grace to that decision.  He has paid his child support....enough that she hasn't had to work, mind you....and has loved his children very much.

Unfortunately, a single dad who has had to travel for work (home about 2-4 days a month!)....he relied on "Grandma."  When I met him, he coached their ball teams, and his life was the boys.  His goal has always been to work his way up in the company....out of having to travel.....so that his boys can come live with him.  

I will admit.  That when I began dating David....being a stepmother to 4 children wasn't in the cards.  I even told him as much.  I'm aware that makes me appear to be a monster...but, I had survived a messy failed marriage, with not the best relationships with my stepchildren.  I had been burned.  And hurt.  I had my own "stuff". Made my own mistakes in that arena. I'm a "few" years older than David....and little ones were a job!  FOUR?  were impossible.  I was struggling to make ends meet.  I then got sick.  Cancer took over our world.  David stood by me, and even though he could have left, helped me to parent my own two.  He shared with me a few months ago, that it was in the very beginning....that he began praying for God to change my heart.  To OPEN my heart.  He shared that one of the things he admired most about me was the kind of mother I am.  He wanted that for his boys.

Know that I have tried to have the utmost respect for the boys' grandmother.  She stepped in when David couldn't....and gave them their needs.  Where was their mother, you ask?  A mystery to me.  No judgement.  Just facts.  Ok....I'm fibbing.  Maybe, a little judgment.  Again, I'm seeking to understand.  My heart isn't ready to offer that grace to her just yet.  That's a place where I need prayer.  For I'm trying, friends.

When I made the declaration, 5 years ago...."I'll never date a man with children!".....I ate my words a few short weeks ago.  We began the process over the last year, for the boys to come and live with us.  They were begging and pleading. Every weekend when it came time to take them back....there were tears.  We were in a position to have them.  It was time.  It had also started to become painfully to light...that while the boys were living there, they were simply existing.  I remember asking once... what their favorite meals were?  Nobody answered.  They fended for themselves most of the time.  Sandwiches.  Cereal.  

It has been a TREAT to have a home-cooked meal every night.  To have a bed.  One informed me that he had been sleeping on the floor.  To be loved and have guidance and even discipline.  Yes...I think they even love our routines.  We have it like a well-oiled machine, my friends.  I believe in my heart...that their homelife until now...has been one of survival.  Not of nurture.  Of love.  Of family.  My heart is simply broken for these precious children.

After months of getting the change of custody in motion....and lack of cooperation...we had told the boys that it may be a little longer and we would have to take extreme measures.  We wanted to be amicable.  To do these the right way.  Now, I have found myself in a place of having to be an advocate for these children.  THE DAY before school started.....the boys were told they were no longer welcome at Grandma's house.  She left them a voicemail....kicking them out.  A voicemail.  To your grandchildren, after a visit to their dad's..."you don't live here anymore."  Let that sink in for a second.

PRAISE GOD!  Myself, and my village...got them enrolled in school, placed them in football, found them clothes and beds and school supplies and everything they needed to be a part of our family.  Our world.

ALL of their information purposely withheld from us....birth certificates, social security cards, Insurance information, shot records.....all of it.  And God's angels made it happen.  Everything fell into place that day....and our little town brought them in and welcomed them home.  Even their former school cooperated....and saw their best interests unfolding. God's arms wrapped around us all....sent so many to help....and brought our boys home.

To date, we have been made aware of the many things that these boys have survived.  How food stamp money (If I told you how much...it would tick you off!)  wasn't spent on food....but sold for cash.  How their dad's child support was spent on everything BUT them....even used to pay for their mother's child support to keep her from going to jail.  Outside of the clothes and shoes that WE and David's family bought over the years, their clothes and gifts and everything....hand-me-downs and donations from local churches. That their shots weren't even up to date.  We have audio, video and pictures of their living conditions.  Holes in the floor.  A house that needs to be condemned.  Their little hearts were just used.  They weren't nurtured.  They were simply a source of income. And even TOLD as much. When they were finally allowed to pick up their things....every bit of it fit in a couple of trash bags.  They were barely allowed to bring what little they had with them.  It's sickening.  

 SOOOO many things that cause me to question the integrity of those who had surrounded them.  As I drove them to school the first day, and drove away in tears...I knew that God had opened my heart...and changed me.  I love these boys.  I want to save them.  Each day, I see the sadness in their eyes slowly disappearing.  When they call me in the afternoons to let me know they made it home?  They say "I love you."  (And they say it first.)  When they need something they forgot at school?  They call me.  When they didn't have a ride to football and didn't know a soul?  I was at the school to take them.  When they scan the stands....(Just like my Sam used to...) to see if we are there?  I get to wave to them.  When I turn the corner in the afternoons....and the youngest spots my car...He lights up and waves....SO happy to see....ME.  

Please don't misunderstand....I'm not expecting or asking for pats on the back.  I'm simply pointing out, that the little things we all take for granted are EVERYTHING to some.  I get the joy of being their bonus mom.  I may be "nobody" to some.  But, I get the honor of being "SOMEBODY" to them.  

Not once have they missed their former school.  Not once have they asked to visit their former home.  The laughter and joy they are now experiencing in our home, makes my heart so full it could almost burst.  They are thriving!  Making friends.  Settling in.  Getting good grades.  The best part?  They are just normal.  

The boys' grandmother has yet to sign the papers necessary to cease our payment of child support.  She has EVEN tried to have his child support raised in the days since they came to live with us.  You read that right.  The caseworkers at both DHS and OSCE are both disgusted.  David continues to pay her each week.  Hundreds of dollars....while waiting for these proceedings to unfold.  She continually lets him down....saying one thing while doing another. Lie after lie after lie.  It is a struggle.  To pay her....and to raise them.  But we are making it.  Please pray for this specific request.  I know that God will protect us all.  And that the system will not only work for the betterment of our family....but prevent her from getting away from this much longer.  I'm holding tight to the promise of "ya reap what ya sow."

Pray for my heart.  For I am so bitter.  I am so angry.  I just will never understand.  It is my job, as a faithful Christian....to extend grace.  And, I'm struggling.

In the eyes of the law, I have no rights to my new sons.  Which is sad, really.  But, I will love them.  I will protect them.  And I will let them know how precious they are.  God has a sense of humor, kinda.  Our family isn't perfect....but we are perfect together.  These boys have blessed me FAR more than I deserve.  And again....I hope to stand before MY Father...and He answer with "Well done, my good and faithful child..."  This IS my family.  And I worry about them daily.  So happy to have them home.  

To my new sons.... I'm sorry that those who should NEVER fail you...have. I love you. And I will never fail you.  And I will tell you and show you every day for the rest of my life.  Welcome home.

And...to them?  Maybe.  Just maybe...I AM somebody.

"Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it."  Proverbs 22:6

In Him,

Terri

Are you there, God?

Are you there, God? Its me....Momma.

I've got a few ....well a LOT....of requests for ya today. For you see? I'm not strong. I'm weak. I'm overwhelmed. I'm S-appy....which I'm convinced is a word for Happy and Sad at the same time. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm worried. I'm a complete mess. In short....I just flat need ya big time.

My Sammy is moving 50 whole miles from my front door :). His friends are, too. Some much further....MUCH, much further. Some are lying their heads at home, but will not be heading to BHS on Monday. Their lives are moving forward. While, MUCH of my requests are about THEM....I'm going to be a tad selfish and ask for some prayers for me. And my friends. The mommas. Well, the dads, too....but really the mommas.

For you see? Our hearts are so all over the place. Be with us as we learn our new place as parents. My heart is welled with joy and thanksgiving, anticipation and anxiety, amidst a longing to be together as we have been till now. His years of growing up have moved so quickly, so many things left undone, so much left unsaid, so much I still hope to give to my child who is taking this new step in the journey of life.

Help us as we reshape our lives to reflect this new reality of college. Show us new ways to be present to each other in love and in trust. Give me patience and help me to remember that my child is establishing new routines in freedom, routines different from my routines.

Help me to let him go.

Help me to guide him. And teach him that College is a Privilege.  Sure, I expected him to go.  But this in no way takes away from the fact that spending four years learning, growing and focused almost exclusively on himself is a gift like none other. Before he sets foot on campus, I wish him think through the millions in human history and try to guess how many people were given this opportunity.  Even fewer play sports at the college level.  MAKE him see and acknowledge just how rare and special this gift is.

Guide me to help him realize that this is the Best Four Years of His Life.  Lord, I pray that he takes the initiative to soak in deeply of all that this Christian University has to offer. That he loads his plate with its academic, athletic, cultural and social offerings. Never again will life mix youth, freedom, opportunity and resources together in quite this combination. If these are to be the very best years, he must make them so.

Father, help him to realize that the First Weeks of College are a Time like None Other.
Everyone will want to meet everyone and there will be none of the social awkwardness that usually accompanies rushing up and speaking to total strangers. He must not squander this short window of opportunity, for it may will never come around again.

Precious God, Don't Let Him Be Stupid!  :) He will now be in a place where the judgement is both allowed and encouraged. The only thing that stands between him and a very bad experience is his own good judgment. But here is the tricky part. So is everyone around him. On the flip side, Lord....Help me to allow him to bump his knee, or to miss a deadline.  Help me to step aside....so he can learn life's lessons.

Lord, Give Him those "Forever Friends." He sat in the same classes or did the same activities as his high school friends and teammates. In college, maintaining friendships is a bit more work. After college it is a lot more work. Investing in friendships now pays dividends forever, truly forever.

God...Help him to see how How His Home is Now Different.  It is Sam's blessing to never have lived in a place where no one loved him.  At the outset, college is that place. Despite everyone’s outward cheer in the first weeks of college, he will have no real friends....yet.   Sure he will know some kids, but these are not true friends, yet. They are still just acquaintances he really likes, but barely knows. Lord, I beg for your hand on his new friendships and relationships.

Help him to see that I Was Once 18.  When he looks at me, he sees “Mom” and “Old.” Do not let him be fooled.  Not one fiber of my being has forgotten how it feels to be his age. Let him know that if he has a problem, talk to me. Few things he will say will shock me and there is every chance, though admittedly just a chance, that I might have a good suggestion. And while the law may recognize him as an adult, Lord, let him realize how much he has left to learn.  

Lord...again, I ask.  Help me to let him grow. And leave.  And learn.  Teach him that I may not necessarily have all the answers, but that he is not alone.

I have loved him every moment of his life. Even as he prepare to move out, I shock myself by Loving Him even More!  This love comes without strings, but life does not. If there are things he wants to achieve, knowledge he wants to gain, and friends he wants to make... it is now entirely up to him.  Guide him in these moments...that will forever change him.

Calm my fears. Strengthen and protect my child in the midst of the challenges and temptations which surround all students. Grant greater courage that I myself may have had in standing for your truth against compromises of faith.

Provide good friends and worthy confidants for my child during these college years. Help me to give support and confidence, to discern how I am needed now, and to pass on, in my love, a measure of the strength and courage you have given me in the gift of parenting.

Nudge him on Sunday mornings and make chapel more than a requirement. Help him to seek YOU.  When someone looks at Sam...be it now, or in a week, or in a year.  Let them see You.  

Lord, I also ask that you be with my Sydney.  Her brother is her buddy.  Her friend.  Also, let her know that she is not merely a "back up dancer" in the "Sam Show."  In my eyes, she is a "Co-star!"  With all the preparation of getting her brother ready...there have been no back-to-school shopping, or hair appointments, or much of anything for just "her." Help her to know that has little to do with her worth....and more to do with her momma's budget!  :)

Place favor on her, Lord.  As she walks the halls of BHS without the chance of bumping into her brother. As she begins her Junior year, Lord, allow her to continue to practice kindness with her friends, and to nurture her important relationships.  Let us turn the emptiness in the bedroom across the hallway, and the ride to school, and empty chair at the dinner table....to a newfound joy in our family.

And Lord, I ask that you keep my babies safe.  You have entrusted me with their care.  I now hand them over to you.....for I know you are already there.

PS....Say hi to my momma.....and scoot over to give her a front row seat!  I know that lady is super proud of these two! :)

In your Son's precious name,

Amen

Happy Tears

I know I'm not the first to send her child off to college.  And I certainly won't be the last.  My Sam made me a mom. Throughout all of my life's twists and turns, ups and downs, victories, mistakes, even sickness and health..I've had one constant....my  Sam and  Sydney Clare.  The three of us have always been a team...made decisions as a team and have been best friends.  This child and his sister,  have endured so much in his 18 years of life....starting with his first assisted breath...much more than most his age.  Deaths, divorce, my illness. The thing is?  You would never know it.  He is the happiest kid.  He shines his light to all he meets.  Always smiling.  Always kind. He has literally been a source of joy every single day since he was born. Without fail. 

He looks to God. He is a self-proclaimed "momma's boy" and my favorite man on this earth. He is a gentleman. And real. And incredibly sweet.  And while  I feel like Conway is so far away.  I know he will be just fine.  I want him to enjoy every second of his new home, his new friends, his new teachers, his new team, and his new coaches.  I don't want him home often, because I want him to enjoy these best years of his life.  I am giddy watching this kid chase his dreams. Sam has, at times, been the underdog.  The overlooked.  Never been the one who got special treatment or ahead because of any reason other than hard work.  This kid is everything I wish I was.  And more. 

I'm not afraid of losing him. He has always made his relationship with me a priority.  I remember in Pre-school, when I arrived to pick him up each day....he would be playing.  When he noticed me there, he would run full speed to me, so happy to see his momma.  To this day...he texts or calls when his feet hit the floor. Or when he gets out of practice or off work. He piles up next to me to talk, laugh and just enjoy time with me. He drops into my office almost daily just to visit.   I know that our friendship won't change. We are best friends.  He said to me not long ago, " of course, I'll come back!   You're my momma!!"  You know what?  I believe him!  

I can't wait to hear about his days, still. For him to bring home his laundry, or call for gas money.  I can't wait to meet his new friends, hear about his classes, watch his new team, and proof his papers.  I can't wait to meet a new "someone special" because there is bound to be one. I'm excited to visit him in Conway as he finds a new church home. I realize that miles can't separate us, because we live in each other's hearts. 

I watched tonight in Walmart....a heartfelt embrace between Sam and one of his former class and teammates that is leaving for the Navy tomorrow morning.  I heard the words "love ya man" and "so proud for you" and "prayin for ya, bro" as they shared in under 5 minutes each other's future plans.  They weren't hindered by being "macho men", the color of skin, or who was around. Just sincere, genuine, and REAL. As I went through the motions of the self-checkout, fighting back tears...it hit me that my Sam and his friend were going to be just fine. We...our little team and our village...have prepared him for this wonderful blessed opportunity before him. Yes, I will miss moments.  I know our daily lives will change.  But he loves me.  This I know. 

It's time for me to turn him over to our God, who I trust will love, carry, guide and protect him.  And I trust that my Sam will continue to look to God while reaching for the stars. 

My tears are not because I'm sad. And yes, the tears are plenty.   It's because my cup runneth over.  This love of my life gets to do this.  And I get to continue watching.  What a gift. Gosh, what an incredible gift. 

Please join me in praying for my Sam.  For our family as we find a new normal.  For our friends who are going their separate paths. And their parents, like me, struggling to let go. Pray for this world to accept them, and let them continue making it a brighter place. Fly high, kiddos!

In Him,

Terri

1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed, and God granted what I asked of Him."