The Race...Picture Tribute!

This post is like all the others in that I could write page after page of all the wonderful things going on around me.  I find myself in bed early tonight....finally rested after a busy and exciting weekend.  So many emotions....all wonderful....

Team Terri rocked it OUT!!!!!  

Pictures worth more than a thousand words:

Chi Omega Love!!!!!   <3

 

Some of my BEAUTIFUL Benton friends.....<3

 

Ang & Debra!  <3

 

 

The table was beautiful and food yummy!  <3

 

JUST in case the firemen ran out.....Pink Beads!  <3

 

Like no time has passed....smiles on every face....laughter was heard!  xoxoxoxoxoxo

 

Cupcakes from "Fat Bottom Girls" Cupcakes.....need I say more????  <3

 

High School Friends.....I love my Newport peeps!  <3

 



 

New Friends!  <3 

 

Jon = Proof that "Real Men Wear Pink"  <3

 

Daughters......Exactly WHY we need a CURE!  <3 <3 <3

 

 

RACE DAY!!!!!

 

Back of Team Terri Shirt.....Psalm 119:50 <3

 

Front of Team Terri Shirt.....Love it!!!!  <3

 

 

 

Why I walk.....This is for you, Mom!  Oh, how I miss you!  <3

 

This pic just makes me smile!  Chi Omega....Sisters forever!  <3

 

My brother's family!  Precious!!  <3

 

 

My David....<3 -- Another Real Man in Pink!  <3

 

 

I love Ms. Annette!  This is what a "survivor" looks like!  <3

 



 

Team Terri has friends in high places!  Shane Broadway and Gov. Beebe!  <3

 

Sweet Jana.  She made all of this possible!  Love Love Love her!!!!  <3

 

 

Jon & Holly.....Cute Couple in "Pink"  <3

Race is serious business.....:))



 

My mom's best friend throughout her entire life.....Judy.  I love her!!!!  <3  I'm sure my mom is smiling at this pic!  

 

Lotsa laughs throughout with Kimmie & Susan!  Love these girls!  <3

 

Love Lonna....and glad baseball places her in my path!  <3

 

My sistas.....Marsha and Jana!  <3

 

More laughs!!!  :)  I looked like a dork....but did NOT care!  :)

 

Another sisterhood pic!  <3

 



 

That pink tractor was just cool!!!! 

 

 

Sweet kiddos....Sam and Jacee!

 

 

 

Man!  That's a LOT of pink.....:)

 My beautiful friends...Traci and Lori!  <3

 

My BFFs right there! Love these girls!  So beautiful!  They NEVER left my side!

 

 

Our best attempt at a group pic.....not everyone....but here is Team Terri!  <3

 

 

 

I love you mom.....

Momma HAD Cancer....:))

Guess I can appropriately change the name of my blog now....to Momma "HAD" Cancer.....  My God, my Team and I sorta kicked its butt a little!  :)

Met with Dr. Sneed on Monday to "formally" discuss my scans that I had following my last treatment.  I got the "all clear" that I've....correction....WE have been praying for in recent weeks.  Some call it "clinical remission".....others "cancer free"....I believe I will call it God's miracle.  His love never failed me.  Not even once.   I don't go back until January!  :)  Praise The Lord!!

Unfortunately, I've gotta take care of some "housekeeping"......
I've been hesitant about continuing to blog.  I've been working on this post for a while.  Funny how some people are.  Most of my "readers" (gosh....that came out like I am a Best-Selling author or something....ha!  I know that isn't the case!)  have had nothing but encouraging and positive things to say.  "Inspiration" has been a word I've heard frequently.  "Strong" is another one.  Funny, I've felt neither of those a majority of the time.  I have TOTALLY written this blog from an honest place.  Sad that I feel forced to defend it......which is why I've not written in a bit.  There are acutally those out there that have taken my words and twisted their meaning and their intention and even used them against me.  Not to my face of course.....:)  I would welcome negtive comments openly.....but gossiping seems to be MUCH more enjoyable. I know because I, too, have been guilty of this.  Sadly. I know who ya are and what ya said.  :))  Yep....it hurt.  But....I realize the devil likes to creep in......hiding behind the Bible to do his work.  So after some soul searching.....I am back.  I have so much more to say.  And I'm not going to worry anymore about how "it looks to others" or whatever.  They've not traveled in my shoes.  Nor do they really know me.  So why should it bother me?  Im choosing to no longer let it.  I forgive you.  And hope you learn as I have. 

I will no longer DEFEND my actions, my blogs, my facebook statuses, my words, my faith, OR my need to share God's grace.  Period.  This right here...is MY space.  And if the devil uses even ONE gossipy woman to say something ugly and shut this down.....then I am the weak one.  Am I perfect?  Heck fire no!!  Do I make bad decisions and mistakes?  You betcha.  My friends and family and my Lord love me anyway.  Anyone who doesn't....just quite frankly isn't welcome here.  So....take that Satan!!!! Bam! Lesson learned.....and I'm now a stronger "more informed" person! Blessings in disguise.....I tell ya!  I love to share scripture, songs, or whatever helps me to stay on the right path on a certain day. Does it make me better than you?  Absolutely NOT!  Just maybe it can help others too.  And quite frankly, I'm gettin old and forgetful.  This is my life here......And I love it.

I have tickets to Casting Crowns Saturday night and I Can.Not.Wait!!!  They are my favorite.  I've been listening to almost nothing but this week getting pumped up to worship with them and siked that I will know EVERY word to EVERY song!  :)  Its on the eve of Sam's 16th birthday.  What a way to bring it in....by worshipping together!  We have so much to celebrate!!  Anyway,  as I was struggling with the aftermath of hearing some mean and ugly things....this song came on......

Jesus IS a friend of sinners, just like me.  Let us reach with open hearts and open doors.....Break our hearts for what breaks Yours.  Pickin on me when I was down is kinda wrong.  Down right mean.  But Jesus taught us to forgive.  So I am.  I'm a happy happy girl!  I no longer want to be held captive by others' mistakes either.  Feels good!!!

Cancer hasn't necessarily been a negative thing for me.  It has changed my perspective so much.  Of course it was a miserable experience phyically.  But....it has shown me how my own thoughts and past mistakes have been keeping me captive for so long.  I have finally found the courage to release the hold I had on MYSELF.  That is possible folks.....due to God's grace.  Facing your own mortality can be a really scary place without the grace we are all promised.  Its there....we just have to accept it.  I'm not any less human than I was before. I still screw up and use my words unwisely at times.  But the fact that I catch myself and recognize it.....makes me a better Christian.  Makes me a more devoted child of God. 

I'm not known for being very tactful.  In fact, I'm pretty blunt to a fault.  I'm well aware that this post is pretty "in your face" and I'm likely to take some heat for it.  I'm openly aware of my sins and trying to be slow to point out those of others.  My circle is small....but oh so close.  Cancer has brought so much goodness.  I will probably write about it for many years to come.  Friends.  Ones I barely knew before are now on my speed dial.  Ones I may have hurt before.....who forgave.  Ones I haven't seen in years and years.....who I talk to daily.  Ones who have stood by me before my diagnosis and continue to do so today.  Ones who aren't just on a "bandwagon".....to help the chick with cancer.  Childhood buddies who contact me almost dialy to let me know I'm loved.  Strangers I NOW call friends who have offered us aid in so many different ways.  Folks....God was movin in my life to make sure we were taken care of! 

My kids have been soldiers of courage.  It has been such a rough time on them.  Due to the kindness of others I was able to provide for them and even "treat them" at times.  I had one friend earmark money to buy Syd her "first day of school" outfit....because she knows how important it is for little girls to feel pretty on the first day.  Bonus?  We can share clothes!  haha  Many have given gift cards to various restraunts so that we can enjoy dinner as a family out on occasion.  Movie passes.  The list goes on and on.  So many have fulfilled needs and the gaps in my budget so that I can still have those "feel good mom moments" of a few "extras."  It always has and will be all about them.  My children are my world and will be until I take my last breath.

We are still struggling to get back on our feet.  The aftermath of being unable to work, the travels into LR for dr appts, prescriptions and Doctor bills have hit us hard.  God has continued to provide for our every need.  I'm back at work and feel awesome!!!  My little team is getting there.....one day at a time.  The only way I know how to thank everyone is by paying it forward.  God will use my work in progress to hopefully lift someone else up who may have my journey in their future.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for it all.

My cancer is gone.  But its effects....both good and bad....remain forever.  I can look and the mirror and see what all it has taken from me.  But I can look into my heart and see what all it has given me.  That's the good stuff!!!

Saturday is Race for the Cure.  My team is nearly 100 strong.  100 people who are joining me in walking with thousands of others on Saturday to fight for a cure.  My mom is ironing her pink outfit in heaven.....for preparation.  I can just see her!  ha   Better watch out Cancer....we comin after you!!!  :) 

In Him,
Terri

That's all Folks!!! :)

I'm gonna have to "catch up" this blog in several entries I think.  SOOOO much has happened over the past week or so!  I'm overwhelmed at exactly where to start......but can't go another day without blogging my thoughts. 

First....I'll shout from the rooftops!!!  NO MO CHEMO!!!!!!!!!   Yippeeee!!!  Had my last treatment on 9/21.  This day was complete with emotion from before dawn...til WAY past dark.  Started off arriving at the high school for the "daybreak" pep rally about 5:45 am.  Today was the "Salt Bowl"....a Saline County Holiday of sorts.  Benton vs. Bryant at War Memorial Stadium.  Over 20,000 fans were there to root on their favorites.....this rivarly runs deep my friends.  ESPECIALLY with a dog in the fight!  For my Newport friends.....Bryant is our "Batesville"....:)  For Razorback Fans....Bryant is our "Alabama".....ya get the idea.....

Anyway....my day started early... Pep Rally.....Breakfast.....Kiddos to School....work....another Pep Rally.....Back to work.....and off to chemo at 1.  From Chemo....went to the Salt Bowl and all of its festivies.  Things didn't go quite our way for my Sam or the Panthers.  But I watched my son grow in integrity through his struggles and am one proud momma!

I walked into the chemo room with a different feeling today.  My labs showed that today would in fact be the "finale".....:)  Got hooked up to my bags....and settled in.  The Benedryl took effect immediately and I dozed off under a blanket when I heard the commotion coming up the hallway.....
Lordy it was a party!  :)  And I do mean party.....

At first sight....they got the ugly cry, you know....the kind that looks like "Will Smith" in the movie "Hitch".....swollen eyes, red nose.....the works....

I was so overwhelmed with love, suprise, and just pure joy.  They took time from their lives, their jobs, to come be with me on this final leg of this sprint.  Many who couldn't be there.....and I DO mean probably over a hundred....sent texts, emails, FB messages, sweet words and gifts to me.  I have had SUCH a team on this journey.....I am just so blessed.

I was met with cake - TWO cakes, "kid friendly" champagne, balloons, confetti, presents, a "No Mo Chemo sash", and even a crown!  Most of all the VERY best of friends.  I think my Sonya was the ring-leader.....with the help of many I'm sure, to pull this off.  I'm up in EVERYONE's business, so not sure how they pulled this off without me knowing.....but they did.  In fact, I came to chemo alone....expecting Sonya to pop in with chocolate and Deb to swoop in on two wheels with hugs.....but that's all.  My Syd had begged me to check out of school and come with me that day.  But I was certain it was a ploy to get out of school....and she had tests and dance practice that day.  So I said, "nice try.". 

In walks the following:
Sonya, and her daughters....Bailey and Kenzie, Shane and her three.....Nick, Victoria, and Annie, Gina, Deb, Becca, Brandie, Michelle, Jack, John, and Karen.  These along with the AOA staff...Linda, Carolyn, Jill, Josh, Beverly, Brenda, Charlene and the rest,......and even Dr. Sneed!  Usually, Im alone in the chemo room....but today, there were a couple of other patients that got to join in the fun! 

I haven't gotten all of the pics yet....but here are few from the day I had on my phone:

First....Sonya:  Adorned in pink for the occassion, and even "pole danced" with me on my IV pole!  hehe  Will she EVER know what she means to me????  Ever???

 

Then my Shane.....:)  Beautiful Friend.....Love her so....

 

 

My "Clinic Boyfriend"..... Josh.  And a forever friend....:)

 



 

The best oncology nurses on the PLANET....Carolyn and Linda.  Love them!  :)

 

 

Dr. Sneed.....my HERO!  In his words...."He and I are going to be friends a LONG time!"  :)

WIG FUN!

I got pictures made with everyone there.....but not with my camera, so I've not gotten them just yet.  But I will post a follow up to this blog with a complete album!  My cake(s) were adorable, the children were precious. Everyone sipping champagne in colored stem glasses, the balloons,.... And all my friends that were there physically, and there in spirit.  I will never forget.....

Such emotion and heart-felt love.

I walked out of AOA that last day consumed with tears.  These people have gotten me through such a tough journey.  I won't allow myself to think about a reoccurance today.  The thing is....it has brought many blessings and so defined all of the relationships in my life.  Those who have been a friend to me unselfishly.  Those who are there for me without fail.  Those who came into my life as a RESULT of the cancer.  Those who came BACK into my life to reach out in love.  Those who were there before and never left my side.  All of which, I know will be there for me and with me should my future include another fight.  It has strengthend my relationship with my God and inspired me to be a better Christ follower.  It has taught me to trust, and to see things so clearly.

I sometimes take notes for things I want to blog about.  Sometimes I just sit down and the words come.  When I hit "publish" oftentimes I'm just as suprised at what I've written as my readers.  "Chemo Brain" has caused me to sometimes forget things I really want to write about.  But I will have posts in the future....that will highlight those who are so dear to me....that have touched me beyond measure.  Those who will kill me and will be recognized against their will.  Those who don't want or need a "pat on the back" or to be recognized to feel appreciated.  Those who give lovingly as Christ would and have repeatedly given to me in both big and small ways out of just plain love.

So get ready....David, Sonya, Shane, Jana, my AOA family, Deb, Leigh, Marsha, Sandy....and many others.....you're gonna get your OWN post dedicated to my love for YOU.....very soon.  These people have given their time, their words, their presence, their prayers, their service, their money, their everything to be a friend and caretaker for me.  From diagnosis to present.  They don't use the words, "I've done enough"......They are true to their word and have never let me down.  Many times, at the expense of their families, and very large inconvenience to be there for me and to just help.  They never keep score.  They don't question.  They give of themselves with a willing heart and have taught me so much.  Their families have shown much love to me too....in allowing me to borrow them for times in need and they were happy to do so.

I realize how this might get me into trouble with some.  There are many many folks who have stepped up in large ways and in small ways.  I can't possibly write about everyone.  I have written about many in the past.  And I've been praying and searching for answers from above on this issue. I certainly don't want to hurt any feelings.  It's not my intention at all.  What my God has told me is this......the book of James tells us that every "good and perfect gift comes from above"......and that if someone gets angry then they weren't giving with the right heart in the first place.  So.....there you have it.  I can't close this chapter without writing about my love for some of these special people.  And what's incredible is whether I thank them in a blog, on a note, with a gift, or never mention them again.....each of them would do it all again in a heartbeat.  Their "gifts" were from above.  With.Out.Question.  That's not to say that I feel like anyone will be hurt.....but its my fear, and I simply won't defend this again. 

I'm starting to feel better again.....and am going to start my own "Look Good, Feel Better" campaign.  Come Monday.....its diet time.  Gotta get the weight back off.  Gained 15 of the 41 that I'd lost.  That just plain ticks me off.....UGgggg!!  I should feel well enough to begin hitting the track again.  Got a couple of weeks before the race....Gotta get at it!  I'm going to continue working for my God and keeping a close relationship with him.  Momma's back!  I'm going to cherish every single second with my kiddos and love them more!  :)  I want to be present in church and Sunday School and active at church, since I've not felt good in so long.  I'm ready!  :)

I've wondered if I want to continue the blog.  And the truth is.....I do.  I do it for myself.  Not sure if very many read it.  But again....I do it for me.  You'll probably see alot of diet related posts....and silly entries about my daily crazy life.  It's just the right mixture of chaos and love!  I want to journal my prayer requests so that I can continue to see right before my eyes just how much my God works and answers each and every one.  I want to remember each and every memory with my kiddos, my family, my David, and my friends. 

The Race for the Cure is coming up.....and our Team Terri has grown to almost 60 members.  If you know of anyone who doesn't have a team....please share this with them.  Team Terri tshirts (optional) are also available but I have to know by Wed. at the latest.  Time is of the essence.  My Chi-O sister and dear friend, Jana, has worked so hard to get this together.....Never losing sight of its purpose.  To find a cure for our daughters.  Whatever YOUR goal.....Whomever YOU are honoring or remembering.....Join today!  :)

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568&et=qATXPFdSpC7h4DIor992Vw&s_tafId=90954

I have a couple of prayer requests please:

I have a couple of friends who are hurting for various reasons.  God knows their needs....please pray these unspoken needs.

My sweet friend Kara, pregnant with her first baby boy, Luke.  Kara has gestational diabetes, and has some medical fears along with those of generally being a new mommy.  She is precious to me.  Lift Kara, her husband, Thomas, and baby Luke in prayers in the weeks to come.  God be with my Kara and comfort her in ways only HE can!

And myself.  I go Wednesday for my scans.  I pray that they are all clear and with No Evidence of Disease.  I wanna dance with NED!  :)  I am a little anxious for the results.  I don't wanna jump the gun and rename this blog..."Momma HAD Cancer...."  :)  Lord, hear our prayers!

Finally.....Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Check your boobies ladies!  Don't wait.  It makes ALL the difference in the world.....if ya don't believe me, you haven't heard my story.  Back up and read a few blogs.  Be aware!  And remember those who have fought the battle and won the fight.....and for those who sacrificed the battle and gained His glory.  Be it never in vain.

Hugs!
In Him,
Terri

"Fluffy" :)

Isn't it strange how you can feel one way about something one day.....and feel completely different about it the next?  Guess that's why my mom always advised me to "just sleep on it".....because chances are that I often feel differently in the morning.

Well, this week?  My emotions are all over the place.  I have been looking forward to September 21, 2012 for about 5 months now.  My last treatment!  And I know I've blogged about it before....but with the last treatment comes a vulnerable feelings.  That I'm no longer "doing anything" to fight the big bad cancer.  I HATE chemo.  It's positively the worst thing, physically and emotionally, that I've ever had to go through.  But there is a part of me that is terrified of being finished with it.  I'm weird, I know.

I left the Doc Monday, feeling confident and reassured.  But in the days since, I've found my self feeling so unsettled and afraid.  I even let myself "google" again.  I had myself dead by bedtime.  Geesh.  I was a glutton for punishment.  Reality is this.....Triple Negative is a mean monster.  There is absoulutely nothing I can do to "prevent" a recurrance.  One article stated that researchers can't even get a handle on it because the majority of patients do not live long enough to do adequate trials.  Wow.  That was like taking a bullet.  Most all Triple Negative BC does recur and most will recur sooner rather than later.

Another stated that the 5 year survival rate was much lower than other types of BC, but less after the "5 year mark".  Nobody likes to think of their own life in the terms of "5 years"......That is the blink of an eye.  Several articles state that Triple Negative BC are most common among those who test positive for the BRAC gene mutation.....the "breast cancer gene."  Since Arkansas BC/BS are essentially making my life almost as scary as the cancer, I don't know for sure that I have this gene. I can't get my test results.  But since I have the triple neg....most likely I do.  Makes me tear up everytime my child walks by. 

I take comfort in the fact that so many are praying for me.  The prayers are heard and answered, I know this.  But I'm now asking that everyone please pray for a cure!!!!   The thought of my Sydney EVER facing this is almost too much for me to bear.  Another reason why the Lord may have taken my mother home years ago.....so she wouldn't have to endure my struggle.  Our generation has to find a cure.  There just isn't an option.

Satan has been working overtime this week to shake my faith.  I'm ashamed....he gets to me at times.  Sometimes the fear is so extreme, that I can't eat or sleep.  Sometimes, it hits me out of nowhere and I have to just collect myself.  I will be holding my breath until Oct 15, when I get the next set of scans.  And then it will be another 3 months until I can exhale again......I long to be "dancing with NED".....Ned is appropriately named as "No Evidence of Disease".  I want to dance with Ned forever!!!  And then I want to introduce Ned to my child.....and to every woman around me that could be faced with this.

As Robin Roberts said.....we HAVE to love and pray for one another.  But more importantly, we have to find a darn cure.  There won't be another prayer going up from my heart that doesn't ask God for that specific thing.  A cure.  Of course, I am praying specifically this week that tomorrow's "poison" go straight to any evidence of cancer or pre-cancerous cells and ATTACKS!  And of course,  I pray that my fight is over forever.  And I pray that I learn to live with the fear and not let it take over my spirit.  But, if a recurrance leads to help in finding a cure and saves my Sydney.....and the future of other women.....God, let YOUR will be done.

Satan has tried to get a firm hold on me this week.  But my God has a purpose for me.  I intend to tell everyone I know about his blessings that He has placed and revealed to me throughout my immediate fight.  And I say to you, Satan, if the cancer comes back.....I'll fight like a faithful servant once again!!  I feel the need to change the name of Cancer to "Fluffy" or something equally as lame.  Fluffy doesn't sound so big and scary, now does it???  :)  Fluffy is not welcome here......

One last article I read, assured women like me, with the triple negative, to not panic.  That we just have to know our bodies, listen to our doctors, keep the checkups, live a healthy lifestyle, and above all trust in God.  It's not a coincidence that I ran across that particular article.  God knows our destiny.  No matter WHAT we do, or the doctors do.....is HIS plan.  And He is perfect.  His will has no mistakes.  So with that....I had to write until I settled myself down and worked through the fear to get to a point that I can find inner peace again. 

I look forward to getting my life back to a "new normal."  To love my children completely.  To let all mistakes of the past go.....as they don't deserve a second of my time left.  To make sure that my children look back on all of their beautiful childhood memories and the majority of them include ME! :)  To be the kind of friend that I want!  To reach out to those who are hurting, even if I don't know them that well.  To fight my insurance company until the day I die....or until I win.  To financially get stable again.....enough to own my own home and to drive a decent vehicle. To be a good steward of my money and to first give the Lord what is already His. To have a savings account!  And to teach my children to always save for situations such as the one we have found ourselves in.   To be the best employee I can be and honor God at the office as well as out of the office.  To pray.  Fervently and Honestly.  And to teach my children to spend time with God every single day.  To support to the best of my ability the causes to find a cure.  So that no other family is affected like ours has been.  To always say prayers for my medical team that the Lord bless them as they have blessed me.  To be a loving mother and friend to my children.  To give my whole heart in every relationship....from David.....to my friends and family.  And spend the rest of my days being gracious to those who have helped us through this......and continually lift each and every one up in prayer as they have me and that may He bless each one 10-fold.  (And yes, I have a list....and thier names are in my prayer journal!)   I plan to praise God for it all and to remember to thank Him every single day.  Most importantly, I plan to try to live in His favor so that others feel the need to come to Him in my presence.  All in all, to be a Proverbs 31 woman!  These things.....are my bucket list. 

One month from today is Arkansas Largest' support of the Breast Cancer Fight.  Race for the Cure.  I am honored to have 36 women who have already registered to walk with me.  I look at the list and pray over each one as I check it daily.  I pray for their cause and the heros that have inspired them to stand beside me.  It is important to me that whomever chooses to walk on my team know that it isn't for ME.  Everyone has their own personal reasons for joining in the fight.  So please know that by joining "Team Terri" -- you are gaining other team members to stand beside you for your hero!  :)  I gotta get my hiney to walkin!  :)

Here is the link:  Please feel free to share and invite friends! 

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2568&team_id=219501

Let's kick "Fluffy" to the curb!  :)

In Him,
Terri

This is "what's up" Doc! :)

Quickie entry tonight to update about my doctor visit....

Syd and I headed out to meet with Dr. Sneed....my final visit with him prior to the last treatment this Friday.  I had a list of questions prepared for him and he eased many of my worries.

When we arrived, I immediately went back for labs.  After giving them my blood, came back out into the lobby and there was Sydney's "Miss Jonna" (She was an aid for her last year in the Counselor's Office at the Middle School) was there with her sweet mom.  I've hoped this whole time to run into her and we finally did.....Such a precious lady and an inspiration to me!

They were having a "bake sale" in the lobby to raise funds for something "race related" I think, and Syd conned me out of a few bucks and hit the "sweet tooth buffet" and came back with some goodies.  No wonder I'm gettin fat again.....geesh.  Yummy!  :)

So this is what's going on...
Today, I had a slight fever but that is usually normal for a week out of treatment.  Normal for me anyway.  Not enough to be alarmed but enough to make ya feel bad.  My counts were "good"...well "chemo good" and on track for treatment Friday.  Graduation Day.  "No Mo Chemo" Day. 

Dr. Sneed reviewed my initial pathology report, and everything we have done since.  Stage 2A, Grade 3 Breast Cancer. Triple Negative.  Double Masectomy, 8 rounds of Dose Dense Chemotherapy, 4 of Adriacytoxin (aka "the blood of Jesus":)), and 4 of the Taxol.  Path report showed lymph nodes to be clear and a really small "Suspicious" spot on the breast bone and some sort of "calcification" on my lung.  Hearing that last part sent my head spinning.  I had never heard about those places before.  He quickly assured that I didn't NEED to worry about those, but it gives us a reason for another set of scans.  So I'm trying not to worry until given a reason to. (ha!)

Following Friday's treatment, I will go back weekly for labs for four weeks.  On Oct. 15, I will have the scans to make sure that everything still looks clean.  In the blook work, they look at tumor markers, and from that they can tell plenty.

If the scans are clean.....here is where we are:
- checkups every 3 months.  (Eventually going to every 6....annually, etc. assuming the good news continues)
- I can have my port removed if I choose to following the scans.  I will probably keep it for a while but its painfully uncomfortable.  So we will just see....
- I am a candidate for reconstruction...."as soon as I feel" like it.  Again, I'm tired.  In no hurry.  I may never.....I don't have to decide today.  We will see....
- Since I'm "triple negative", there isn't any kind of hormone therapy that I can practice that will prevent the cancer from returning.  That said, he was adament that he didn't EVER want me to take any type of hormone replacement therapy or estrogen producers.  Just steer clear of them.  His gut tells him that.  This will cause me some issues down the road.  But not cancer issues.  So just gotta deal with those.
- Wasn't a fan of me immediately dieting to get this weight off....but felt certain that just being off the chemo I would lose it anyway.  We are butting heads on this one.....
- I told him that I would never ever put medicine of ANY kind into my mouth without consulting him first.  He calls the shots.
- We talked about some other issues and medications that I will continue taking.  I got my answers.

I'm celebrating the fact that Friday is the last one.  And holding my breath for the scans Oct 15.  And most likely, every checkup thereafter.  Dr. Sneed said that "we would be friends for a long time"......I just have to pay attention to my body and communicate with him ANY thing that doesn't seem just right. 

He told me that he and his staff were amazed at my progress and proud of how I've done.  They don't do this "dose dense" therapy on a regular basis.  I had to tell him how special each and every one of his staff members were to me.  I wanted him to know how special they made me feel every time I was there. I will miss each and every one of them terribly and plan to visit!  :)

He hugged my neck and for the first time in a LONG time....I exhaled.  My prognosis probably couldn't get any better.  I still have one more.  And while its no "walk in the park".....I can begin to heal in other ways.  To continue my journey of faith.  To get my life back.  To be a better person.

I've had SOOOOO many love me through this.  As I was typing this blog, the CMA music festival is on TV.  I'm now typing through tears as I've rewinded the DVR a dozen times to see Martina sing one of the most beautiful songs ever written.  And she points to those in the audience, bald, crying, wearing pink, holding up survivor signs.  Wow.  I am beside myself with emotion tonight so, I'm gonna end this post here.  It's too soon to find her perfomance online....but here is the official video:

I can relate to each story told.  What a beautiful tribute to not only survivors.....but to the caregivers as well.  Another moment in God's perfect timing. While I've heard this song a million times before.  Hearing her sing it again.....in this moment today. Again,  SOOOOO many have loved me through this.  Maybe WE really DID survive????

To HIM I give ALL the glory,
Terri

Redeemed

Writing tonight from a place of fullness of "heart" from the wonderful weekend I've had.  And from a place of ...for lack of better words....fear and confusion.  I'm hoping this entry helps me to sort out my feelings in a productive way.  I'm finding myself in unfamiliar territory.

First the good stuff....
Friday night....watched my Sam play a very wet and sloshy football game.  I'm such a PROUD Panther mom!  It was miserable weather.  Yuk.  But didn't mind being there among the other moms and cheerin for our boys.   Leigh and I cooked up several to go to Chili's.....a table of Syd's friends....and a table of Sam's friends.  And wonderful visits with parents.  (Thank you Scott & Karla for the gift card....we made great memories while using it! :))  A good good night!  :)

All the suprises!!!  :)  Big and small.....each has come in its own time and meant the world to me. Sweet cards, hats, meal cards, movie passes.....Such generosity!  My sweet friend Holley, sent me a sweet text Friday afternoon and gave us the sweetest gift.  2 razorback tickets for Saturday's game on the hill.  My Sambo was so pumped!  Got pics throughout the day from his "view."  Yes, the game was a bloodbath.  But my boy had a wonderful time.  He and David hooked up with some friends and made the trip.....and chances are they probably watched this year's National Championship team. 

Razorback tickets just aren't in my budget this year.  And Sam knows this.  It was a precious gift and I was so thrilled!  How will I ever thank her adequately?????

 

 

Since the boys were gone for the day, Syd and I had a little girls' day.  I woke up feeling crummy.  Just that time again, when the counts were dropping, etc.  Headed to the pharmacy and we ran a few errands.  One of which was breakfast at Ihop....Yummy!  While there, our dear friends, Brenda and Blake came in.....from our Cubs family.  Oh how I've missed them!  Got the chance for a quick hug and a visit.  We finished up and asked for the check....only to be told it had already been paid.  I'm gonna get her!  Thank you sweet Brenda.  I love you!

 

 

Went home and napped in between Alabama touchdowns.  Still feeling yuk....but the rainy lazy day allowed me to rest.  Chloe was visiting Syd and they were heading to Syd's first babysitting job Sat. evening.  I fed them and dropped them off and met my gang for my dear friend, Shane's birthday dinner.  Lots of laughs as always with old and new friends.  These people are so special to me!!

Happy Birthday to my Shane!

 

 

Don't they make me look good?  :)  Pretty accessories for the night! 

 

Shane has been such an inspirational source of strength throughout this journey.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  In fact....I will have to blog an entire entry in her honor really soon......and share here all of the encouraging words I've gotten from her at the most God-given, perfect times.  She is my Sister in Christ.  We share a special bond...she and I. God bless Shane!  :)

 

 

Today, we headed out early to UALR for Sam's baseball game.  Again, precious time shared with my baseball family.  Of course, Sam made me proud on the field.  As usual.  About 15 of us shared lunch together at Shorty Small's.....and we enjoyed the laughs and began planning our next vacation together!  :)  Surely by next summer, I'll be back on my feet enough to join in the fun.  Of the 15, 10 were of the Johnson family.....et.al.  Just love love love them.  Envy of such family love and support.  They have always welcomed us with such love and support.  Just makes me smile.  And none of them would "own up" to buying our lunch.  Lordy.....:)

 

 

After lunch, ran home for a quick catnap....got the kiddos to Pure Energy (youth choir) at Church, ran to clean the Dentist's office that I do each week, and got groceries for the week.  Everyone is sleeping, and momma is plum tuckered out!!! 

 

 

My heart is heavy and my mind is confused.  I had a small melt-down this evening.  Ok, maybe not so small.  Again, since we have been "on the go" every moment and I've not felt well.....the house is a wreck and the laundry is piled up.  I tend to forget that my kids are just that.....kids.  Sometimes, I have to "nudge" them a little to pick up the slack.  Ok....rephrase....sometimes, I have to down right put the "BEAT DOWN" on them and make threats of "phone removal" etc, to get a fire lit under them.  I'm so ready to be their mom again.  To cook for them....do their laundry.....to be there for them and not just "exist"......to not rely on others to take them here and there. 

 

Of all the things in my life, that is the ONE thing that I've always been good at......being a good mom.  Of all the mistakes, failed relationships, and failures in "life".....that is my proudest thing.  I am good to my kids.  I know they know without a doubt I am always there for them and that I love them with all that I am.  The thing that has broken my spirit the most is where this "FBC" (haven't said that in a while!  hehe)  has impacted my ability to be a good mom.  Talk about angry.  If anyone has followed this blog from the beginning....they know that.  My kids have been forced to grow up a little the past few months.  To not only fend for themselves, but to take care of me.  Our lives revolve around cancer....chemo.....doc appointments.  We have conversations like...."Is that your bad weekend?"  "Will you feel like it by Wednesday?"  Ugggggg.....

 

I have to dodge volunteering for concession stand duty.....and beg on facebook for friends to buy cookie dough because I've simply not been able to do my job.  Buying groceries tonight was a feat.  When I picked up the kiddos from church.....they were excited to see hot pockets!!  How sad is that?  When moms talk about getting dirt stains out of ball pants.....I cower in my seat because I know that Sam washed his OWN ball pants for the game today.  No care for the stains.

 

Ok ok....I'm done whining about that.  It all built up in me tonight and I was ugly to them.  Ugly to David.  I mean....he didn't sign up for all of this.  I've not been easy to love.  Sometimes I almost force him to leave to give him the "out".....knowing he is too good a guy to ever leave me like this.  I can be mean and ugly and I've had to swallow alot of my own words and dish out some apologies tonight.  Sometimes its just all too much.  And I have diarrhea of the mouth.  I know they love me.  All of them.  David, Sam & Syd.  They understand.  They ingnore it.  And soon, they will have their mom back and to them, this will be a distant memory.  Our faith tells us that.  But I'm not very proud of myself today. 

 

I'm sorry to you, David.  You have been precious and have done all in your power to come to my every need.  To comfort me.  To support me.  To pick up the slack.  I know this.  And am grateful for this.  I'm sorry to my kiddos, that part of their life has been touched and altered again by this cancer.  Syd actually offered to me her babysitting money to help with expenses.  What a kid.......They have been so wonderful....and today....for a few moments, I forgot that.  For that, I'm sorry.

 

We couldn't attend church and SS this morning, due to baseball.  That always gets me on the wrong foot. And while I'm so ready to get that last treatment under my belt.  I have lots of fear along with it.  I meet with Dr. Sneed tomorrow.  He better settle in for a lengthy visit!  I've got lots of questions. Chemo is over.  Now what?  I have a list of questions.  Then, I guess the mental/emotional battle begins. Re-establishing a life. Being a mom again. Getting back to work....really focusing on my job.  Learning to not live in fear and panic and anxiety of cancer's return.

 

I am afraid of stopping the fight....almost as I was when I went in for treatment #1.  I will miss those who cared for me in the medical realm.  I am undecided as to whether to continue this blog.....and if I don't, I will miss this.  I will miss being lifted up in prayer as often when the "old Terri" returns and people begin to forget.  There is just a more emotional side to #8 than just "Yay, its over".  Because for me.....will it ever really be over????  I do have a feeling that life after chemo will be a much better place to be.  My Jesus tells me so! 

 

I can only pray and ask for God to guide me through my emotional health in the coming weeks....as I have my physical health.  I'm resigned to turning it over to Him.  While I'm nearing the end of this phase of "healing".....I'm still walking my faith journey.  I look down at my arm......to see that familiar verse from Philippians 4:13 that I began with.  "I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."  I'm reminding myself that He will be there for me even when the cancer is gone.  When the chemo is over.  And my hair is back.  And I'm feeling strong again.  I realize now, that ANY strength I feel comes from Christ Jesus.  My scars remind me that, in HIM, I survived......

 

While I was cleaning in the office alone tonight, I had KLove on my phone.  This song came on to remind me of that strength......

 



 

I am not who I used to be.  I am redeemed.

 

Don't forget!  Time is closing in......Team Terri! We're gonna have a good time girls! :))

 

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2568&team_id=219501

 

In Him,

Terri

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

Love Deeper....

This week has been slammed full!  Where EVER do I start?  I've been itchin' to blog for several days and just haven't felt up to it.  So, in true "Terri" fashion.....I made a list!  Might be a long one.....I'm settled in to write a bit....

Business first.....The medical junk.  Lucky #7 kicked my ever-lovin hiney.  Hoping to work tomorrow....Friday.  Which will be the only day this week.  I'm praying that the Lord continues to protect my job.  For I'm not the most dependable lately!  :(  The bone pain is excrutiating at times.....dull and nagging ALL the time.  Thankfully, it seems to be easing some. I've had headaches this time and some nausea and tummy stuff.  Missed out on some fun "mom things" this week.  Ballgames, church, and of course work.  Glad I've got some great friends....We may be on their couch if I don't make it through one more round!  :)

"One more round"......To some, I'm sure that doesn't mean the same thing that it does to me.  Folks, I've JUST about knocked this thing out!  Let me re-phrase....WE have just about knocked it out.  It has definately been a team effort.  We are continuing to be blessed in more ways than I can ever list.

"Faith"
Last Friday, I went in for my treatment.  Typically, Friday afternoons, I have the chemo room to myself.  Occassionally there are others in and out but most of the time its me and my "chemo buddies" for the day.  Always my sweet Sonya.  I think she has been there nearly every treatment.  Such a comfort.  While I'm now a pro.....it is so nice to have her there.  If nothing else, we can catch up on girl talk and without fail, we share laughs.  Hope she knows what she means to me.  I'm sure I don't show it enough.

Anyway....Friday was a little different.  We shared chemo time with another fighter.  I didn't even catch her name.  I've seen her a time or two....but today we really talked.  Here I was....going on and on about how I only had "one more after this one".....and the next time "I would have my graduation".....etc.etc.  I'm going to name her "Faith".  Because she was absolutely the epitome of it!!!  Faith came in with a bubbly attitude and a smile.  Going on with the nurses like I do....Wearing a sassy little wig.  This time, she sat directly across from me and we began to chat.  Will never forget this conversation.....

Faith:  "Do you mind if I ask how old you are?"  
Me:  "I'm 41"
Faith:  "I'm 42!" and she smiled. ( It's rare that I have much in common with the others in the chemo room.....other than "chemo" of course.)
Faith:  "What kind of cancer did you use to have?"
Me:  "I have breast cancer and only have one treatment left!  Thank goodness!"  (There I go....bragging again like an idiot!  I honestly thought she was thinking mine was recurring....)
Faith:  "No, you USED to have breast cancer!" ( Big smile.....correcting me that this chemo has done its job....and I've survived.)
Me:  "Absolutely!  May I ask what your cancer WAS?"
Faith:  "Well, I was diagnosed at 31 with breast cancer.....and the doctor says its back in my liver, and I've been on chemo for 3 years.  Indefinately.  But I'm gonna make a believer out of Dr. Khalil.  My God has taken care of this.  It's gone.  I know it is.  I will have my "last treatment" day too."
Me:  Feeling like a COMPLETE jerk.....cowering at my reality check.  My heart sank.....completely sank for my new friend.  8 years out and it came back????  Chemo for 3 YEARS?  Indefinately?
Faith: "Did you have the Adriacytoxin?"
Me: "The Red Devil?  I did.....it kicked my hiney!"
Faith: "Girl, I call it the "Blood of Jesus"......."  Said with such attitude and conviction. 

We chatted a bit further about our children and such, and as she left she looked at me and we promised to pray for one another.  But I've not been able to get her out of my mind.  Sonya and I have discussed her since.  She touched both of us that day.  What a true inspiring sister in Christ I found that day.  There is not a doubt in my mind that the Lord had a hand in it.  Made me think about a number of things.

This may not be over for me.  It may come back someday.  If so.....God will not leave me then.  Nor should my faith be shaken.  I'm sure the devil was there that day.  Making me cower.  Making me fear the future.  Making me worry.  You know, that is how Satan works....in the form of worry.  Faith has no room for worry.  Only Hope.  I know that is "ok" to celebrate the fact that I've made it this far.  But it's also ok to notice my scars. 

Tim McGraw had this song once...."Live like you were Dying".....or something like that.  I can remember a couple of phrases in it...."Love Deeper and Spoke Sweeter."  This cancer has definately made me truly love in a deeper way.  Love my Christ, love my children, love my family and friends.  Love myself, even.  I know longer look in the mirror and hate myself for past mistakes.  Those emotional scars mean I "survived," just like the physical ones.  And like my friend "Faith".....if it comes back.  We begin to fight.  Again. and Again. 

It has also made me want to speak "sweeter" to others.  And constantly say "I love you."  Not always 100% successful at this one.  I'm pretty grouchy these days.  But I am consitently making the effort to try harder.  Words are so powerful.  In good ways.  And in bad ways.  The whole "sticks and stones.....blah blah blah"   Baloney!!! 

Friends, please pray for my friend Faith.  That her cancer is gone.  Forever.  And offer a prayer of thanksgiving for placing her in my path to inspire me. 

"FOOTBALL"
It's that time of year when the men in my life talk about nothing but football, my daughter's activies are all centered around the "game", my TV only picks up ESPN, my newsfeed is crammed with pics and status updates about everyone's favorite team, coaches, blogs, etc.  Football Season is here.

My Sam is one of 2 or 3 sophomores seeing playing time on Friday nights for the Panthers.  That's cool.  I mean, really cool.  He works so hard.  Loves the game.  And there isn't much I'd rather do than be in the stands watching him.  He also plays for the JV team on Monday nights.  My health has forced me to miss some of his moments on the field....and that KILLS me.  While I know in my heart he understands, I also know he KNOWS when I'm there.  No matter the sport.....when he hits the sidelines the first time, he is scanning the stands.  If I'm not looking, David will often nudge me....."Momma...he's looking for you!"......and I'll wave like a fool and he will give me the "head nod" and go on about his business.  I love it.  Without fail....everytime.  Yep, he knows I'm there.  Due to the many prayers, I've not missed much! 

With JV games on Mondays, Jr High on Thursdays, when Sydney dances, and Varsity on Fridays......I'm footballin 3 nights a week.  Makes me tired BEFORE the cancer thing!  haha   Like I said, no place I'd rather be!

Panthers pulled a win last Friday night after a 2 hour rain delay.  Walked off the field around midnight.  Go Panthers!

We were able to tailgate Saturday for the first LR Razorback game.  Best time with my friends and all their kiddos.....I took advantage of every single "feel good" moment that I had.  Lots of laughs and memories were made that day.  Even though the hogs suffered a loss, it was a good good day.  My heart goes out to those kids.  Kids are what they are.  The way everyone downs them.....Can't be easy to hold their heads high and I know they have Mommas.....Lordy.  Again, words.  Ouch.

Tailgate fun....:)

Sunday, we followed Sam to UALR to play fall baseball.  His "green" team pulled out a win.  And I got sweet hugs and visits from my baseball family.  Good good day.

"Last Chance"
Sunday afternoon, the side effects began and have kept me pretty much down all week.  Lots of time to reflect on those I love and how this fight has forever changed me and my "faith."  I can see the end of this battle.  But the war is far from over.  I know there will come a day.....long from now....where I might go a full day without talking about "cancer".  But I can't help but smile at all the love and friendship I have felt throughout this all.  We have come a long way since that day I stood in Dr. Harrison's office.  April 23, 2012.  Changed my life forever. 

"Race"
So excited for this year's Race for the Cure.  I'm walking with a wonderful team and in memory of my sweet mother.  Forced me just imagine what this world would be like without breast cancer???  Gosh.....we need that cure.  I am so happy to see such a large team forming and so hopeful that the rest of my friends will join in!  Even if you can't make it.....They have an option to register for the "Sleep In for the Cure".....and you get to support us even though you are able to make it.  $26 and a few clicks and ya get the Tshirt.  More importantly.....you help my team.....you help this foundation give people like ME hope that I never have to watch my daughter go through this. 

I think I currently have 22 members registered.  We can do MUCH better than that!  I've had nearly 100 "likes" on FB from a silly post before.  Takes about that much time to do much more.  And since Komen is cool....they have a "no excuses" approach!  C'mon friends!  Don't make me seek you out!  I know that EVERYONE has someone that this disease has touched.  Join my team and walk for your personal hero! Or donate in THEIR honor or memory.  :)

Here is the link.....
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2568&team_id=219501

Thank you! Thank you!  :)

I decided to post a pic of me.....the real me without the hat.  I never want to forget anything about this fight!

My specific prayer in the coming days is this.....That if there is ANY cancer cells left.....even the tiniest.  Any PRE-cancerous cells.  Any trace at all in my body.  That Treatment #8....at 1:30 on September 21, 2012, will go straight to them and attack until they are gone.  Heck, while I'm at it.....add that it can leave my good cells alone so I'll feel good!  :)  This is my last chance attack.  Gotta make it count!!!  Please lift me up.

Many blessings and love to everyone.
In Him,
Terri