Funny things....

I actually think the OCD side of me....has actually found a "routine" with this chemo stuff.  Might just be ME... Being the control freak that I am....trying to control what simply cannot be controlled.  Whatever the case....I think I've got it down.  :)

I get the treatment on a Friday.... cram about a week's worth of "quality time" with my loves into Friday night and Saturday til about mid-afternoon when the fading starts.  Become "medicated mommy" that sends me to sleep til about Wednesday-ish! MAKE myself get back into the "land of the living" Thursday and Friday.  This, of course, assuming I finally have all the meds tweaked into working well for me.  Friday and Saturday I feel pretty decent.  I force myself to work at least a day and a half or so just so I will have enough of a paycheck for gas money!  Week 1 -- ya basically feel like crap because of the chemo side effects.  Week 2....which starts Sunday-ish....is the week that makes ya feel like crap because of low blood counts.  Different KIND of "feel like crap" but you get the idea. 

Week 2:  Sunday starts the low-grade fever.  JUST enough to make have the chills and aches and wanna be in bed.  And the dreaded mouth sores.  Lordy.  Mashed potatoes and soft serve ice cream.  There consists my meals.  I talk with a lisp and hate for ANYONE to look at my mouth.  Swollen gums and lips.....Ya don't need collogen....just chemo!  :)  I'm no medical expert....but I've seen a direct correlation with the mouth sores becoming almost immediately better with rising counts.  So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I get the shots to boost those.  Luckily, I can expect my mouth to only be REALLY bad for the "mashed tater diet" a day or 2.  Thursday I get a normal day!  Well....Cancer normal....but normal.  And here we are full circle....back to Friday for the next Round.  Good news is on Week 2, I'm getting to work most every day.  Knock on wood. 

Met w/Dr. Sneed today.  He seemed proud of my progress.  After a peak, he wasn't happy with my mouth pain.....even made the comment that we'd "delay treatment" Friday if it wasn't better.  Not on your LIFE!  With all due respect....Delaying treatment is not an option.  I'll be getting my prayer warriors on that....pronto!  He reviewed my records.....just to refresh himself...after all I don't think I'm his only patient....:)   I didn't panic...but did notice....he once again, in reading aloud to himself....said "your cancer is triple negative....that is the part we surely don't like...." Dangit.  My counts once again bottomed almost completely out.  So I'll be back the next three days for Neupogen shots.  No suprise there.

Since this week's treatment is the 4th and final dose of the Adriacytoxin.....aka "The Red Devil".....we did briefly talk about the final four rounds of Taxol....or Taxotere.  While no chemo is "a walk in the park"....he said that would be a good description of it in comparison to what I've been getting.  Yay!  Hope I can take that to the bank.  He said that maybe some achy-ness the first day or so and then tingling in hands and feet.  But that should be it.  Could this be some light at the end of the preverbial tunnel??  :)  I've googled about it....and sometimes they prescribe steriods with it....Lord I hope not...the last thing I wanna do is gain weight!

I love the staff there.  "Staff" seems cold.  They are simply awesome.  Oncology is a calling folks.  They fact that I feel special means they are doing their job well.  They make this journey so much easier.  They genuinely care when they ask how I'm feeling.  And are concerned when they see I'm fighting to smile.  I pray each day that they are blessed as much as they have blessed me.  While I look forward to the day that I can truly stop in and visit on the way to Park Plaza.....I know I will have forever friends there.

Well Arkansas Blue Cross/Blue Shield officially sucks in my book.....since they have officially denied my claims due to "Pre-Exisiting" condition.  My team of doctors and I are appealling my claims and I'm fighting.  But my energy to "fight" them is low.  So please pray for us.  However, the good Lord stepped in....as always the good Lord does....and through the help of financial aid officers at Baptist, I was able to qualify for a Medicaid spend-down that pays secondary to my insurance.  Its not based on income, its based upon the fact that I have breast cancer.  Its all so new, and I've not received an explanation of benefits yet to know exactly what that means, limits, etc......but I do know, that I didn't have to write a check at the doc today that would have bounced to high heavens!  Funny, I received the card, and it's already expired.  Approval is based upon 3 month periods.  So I've already started the ball rolling for the next three months.  Prayers much needed and appreciated.

My kids are doing awesome and still as wonderful as ever.  My Sam is gonna make some young lady a good husband.  He can do laundry, vacuum, change sheets, even cook a little!  Syd is teaching him well!  :)  Oh joy.  What I love about him most....is that even at 15, he climbs into the recliner with me.....or in my bed with me....for snuggle time with mom.  Those moments.....I cherish.  Syd is flittering here and there.  She is my social bug.  I'm so grateful that her entire summer isn't a total loss due to this crummy cancer. 

My friends....old and new.....are incredible.  Saturday, I was able to see some old high school buddies!  Newport's American Legion team was playing in the State Tournament at Bryant.  I was able to dig out something "orange" in my closet and go!   

The Class of '89 was represented!  :)  It was so nice to have a piece of home come to me!  Was a wonderful afternoon! 

I still continue to get cards, gifts, emails, texts, facebook messages, calls......every day. Friends who step up in any way possible.  Its overwhelming.  As horrible as "cancer" is....I've never in my life felt more blessed.  Funny how God works!

Gayle Sulik,  in a post called "The Battle They Don't Want to See" makes such a great point.  "Most have a vision of breast cancer that is too often sugar-coated with platitudes, sassy t-shirts, fun-filled fundraising galas. For some, this reality is too much to bear. But until we as a society are willing to see cancer for what it is, our capacity to support the diagnosed will always be limited." 

I'm not sure I totally agree with her statement, but I do understand and see why many would feel that way.  "Pink" has never really been my color!  ha  Very few, including myself who was once a care-giver for someone with cancer....REALLY know what it is like.  I have never felt more ugly....than I do right now.  I rarely pass a mirror without feeling disgusted.  Its like a constant reminder of my on deterioration.  Even worse....most days, I don't even care.  Then there are days, like the last few......when I felt compelled to dig through pics on FB to find ones of me "with hair" to post to my profile.  I had struggled for months to lose weight to look and feel better.  Little did I know that diet saved my life.....we hope.  Anyway...while scrolling through pics....I found a couple from our cruise this past spring break, in which I was wearing one of those sassy "breast cancer" t-shirts....with the words..."Don't Stop Believin".....Little did I know, that a couple of weeks later...I'd have to put my words into action.

Which brings me to the funny stuff people DO say......Warning: Im in a smarty-pants kind of mood!  :)  PLEASE know I'm just in a mood.....AND its all in fun......:))  I might just take that show on the road.  These have ALL been said to me....true story!!!  I've been making a list....thought I'd share!

"But you're cancer free, right?"   .......I don't know, am I?  Maybe at the moment.....we'll see.  Geesh.

After posting pics of my bald head.......  "Did you shave your head?"    uh.....duh!

"At least your bosses work with you"........Yep...they do.  When I work....they pay me!  haha
(I have WONDERFUL bosses.....but usually this falls in a "how am I gonna pay my bills?" convo...

"Why'd you have a double if ya only had it in one?"    Um.....didn't wanna be lopsided?   duh!!

"My grandfather's mother's sister's cousin's daughter" had that red devil stuff.  I know what you're going through!"    Ok....that makes you an expert!   hahaha

"Ive read that such-n-such in your diet will keep cancer at bay!"     Well, you should definately eat some then!  I think I'll stick to ANY thing that doesn't make me puke right now.

"My aunt died a year ago with that same kind of cancer....."    Gee, thanks.

Lady at Gordmans....."Oh you really have cancer?  I'll give you 20% off!"  
Me......"Can my friend who took me to chemo get the discount too???"    bwahahahaha.....she did!!

"I feel awful today too....my allergies are KILLING me this year."    Ok...you win!   hehehe

"Everything happens for a reason."   Ok.....and my REASON for getting cancer is???   I wanna punch you in the nose right now.   :)

"I'm so impressed by your courage!"   Actually, be impressed that I'm really good at hiding how scared "shitless" (sorry!) I am!  

"Its just a bump in the road"    Ok....three surgeries in 10 days....one of which took BOTH my breasts, and insurance company that won't pay, 8 rounds of extremely agressive chemo, feeling crappy every day, being a single mom without a steady paycheck.....is NOT a bump in the road.  It's kind of a mountain.

"Is your cancer the bad kind?"   Um....is there a good kind?   hahahaha.....If I'm still here in 10 years, I'll let ya know!  :)

"I'd come visit you....but my stumped my big toe....Might get ya sick".... Ok. Whatever.  You don't wanna visit.  No excuses needed!  :)

"Just think!  You'll get new boobs!"   I liked my old ones just fine. .....

From an employee at work who speaks little English.... "Is Terri ok now that she cut her boobies off?  Is she gonna die?"    I couldn't hold back my laughter as I responded....."not today!" 

Ok....I'll stop now before I TOTALLY tick off anyone who has ever talked to me!  :)  I'm just joking.  I have the most precious friends in the world.  I wouldn't trade my support system for ANY on the planet.  I rely on humor to get me through lots of moments.  I thank the Lord everyday for those He has placed in my life.  God is good!


Please don't forget -- Save the Date for Team Terri! :) Go ahead! Sign up! :)
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25

In Him,
Terri

Steady my Heart.....

Hi Friends!  What a week.  Round 3 down!  Yay!  I've only gotta get the devil...."the red devil" that is..... in me one more time!!!!  That alone has done wonders for my spirits.  I've heard this a million times in my life, and even said it a few....but "this is a marathon, not a sprint".....however, I cherish the small victories along the way. 

I feel the need for a special "caviat" for my blogs.  Chemo Brain.  Google it.  It's real.  Short term memory loss.  And its driving me crazy.  I find myself writing absolutely EVERYTHING down to keep from forgetting.  I honestly can't remember anything anymore.  SO...that said, if I repeat something I've said in previous posts.  I am sorry.  I usually don't go back and read them...I just write.  You get what's on my mind today.  At this moment.  It is what it is.  :)

To catch my OWN self up....here we go.  Had my chemo last Friday 7/13.  My counts were not only "high enough" they were higher than NORMAL!  8-point-something (It was a week ago and I'm too lazy to go pull my lab report....See?  chemo brain).  Still.....It only has to be 1.9 to take a treatment.  And remember Monday 7/9/2012, they were 0.06.  After Round 1, during same time frame -- they went from 0.50 at their lowest to 4.something.  Which was awesome.  But 8????  Ok, I'll give the Neupogen shots a little bit of credit.  But for counts so low, I was placed on an antibiotic, not to mention I felt like "dog poo on a shoe".....to climb that high, I'm gonna give thanks where due.  To our Lord!!  See what prayer can do??????  Not only was I "able to take treatment"....I was a "ROCK STAR!" ....insert cheesy little dance here! :)

Anyway, third treatment went as expected.  Felt horr...i...ble.  In bed...again...for approximately 5 days.  This time...I just gave into it.  Took meds.  Slept.  Tweaked the meds for side effects that I had planned to.  I didn't fight it.  I just let it run its course....and here we are.  Thursday evening....feeling pretty darn close to normal.  :)  God is good....all the time.  And all the time....God is good!

My Sydney was at her first year of Dance Camp this week at UCA as a member of the BJH Dance Team.  I am so extremely proud of her.  Its brutal on those girls!  I was able to make the trip, yesterday and today to watch her perform.  Thanks to my sweet friends, Lucretia and Kim for letting us ride to Conway.  I so enjoyed our visits.  I was still feeling crummy....and know I wasn't much company....But pushed through and was happy for my time with them....and to see my babygirl!  Syd received all "blue" ribbons on her individual evaluations, and the whole team represented their school as the class acts that they are.  They performed beautifully and brought home lotsa awards!

I can't believe my baby is old enough for all of this!  I am so cherishing every moment!  :) 

Tonight, I'm reminded of my sweet mother.  Tomorrow mark's the 11th anniversary of her getting her "Angel Wings".  Gosh.  11 years.  I miss her so much...and remember that day as vividly as it was yesterday.  Usually, every year on this day, of course, I am heavy-hearted, weepy, and even angry that Jay and I, and our children, were robbed of such a wonderful person.  I've questioned God over and over AND over.  I feel differently this year.  I have learned a lot about my mother in the past few months, and how she must have felt during her fight. Not only that, but how her life really was, underneath the shelter she provided to hide it from us. 

I know now, not to question His plan.  It is flawless.  I believe He saved her from her struggles here on earth.  As I go through some of the same medical struggles....the cancer, the chemo....and all that entails...I have better understanding of what she experienced in that respect.  But much deeper.  My mother deserved heaven.  My mother deserved to be in a place of "no sorrow....no tears."  She touched countless while she was here.  She taught my brother and I everything she knew.  Her work here was physically done.   And it will go on in those she loved.....forever.

The children and I continually see blessings each day throughout this struggle.  For we know His plan for us isn't flawless either.  This says it all.....

 

"Steady My Heart"

Wish it could be easy

Why is life so messy

Why is pain a part of us

There are days I feel like

Nothing ever goes right

Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here

You're real

I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts

Even when it's hard

Even when it all just falls apart

I will run to You

Cause I know that You are

Lover of my soul

Healer of my scars

You steady my heart [x2]

I'm not gonna worry

I know that You got me

Right inside the palm of your hand

Each and every moment

What's good and what gets broken

Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You

You're my refuge in Your arms

And I will sing to You

Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart [x2]

Please don't forget -- Save the Date for Team Terri!  :)  Go ahead!  Sign up!  :)
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

In loving memory....of my mother always.
In Him,
Terri

Quickie Doc update....

Monday...."Fun" day.....:(
Today was jam-packed full of all KINDS of things.  I'm usually pretty good at holding it all together but today, I was an emotional roller-coaster to say the least.  But as always....God revealed many blessings....so for THAT I am grateful.

Woke up feeling pretty crummy at first.  I usually wait a couple of hours before rendering a "verdict" on exactly how I feel on any particular day.  Mornings are usually a slow start for me....before the whole cancer thing.....and its certainly no different now.  I knew pretty quick that it wasn't really going to pass.  In the back of my mind, I kept thinking...."Dang it!  It's Monday and I get another treatment in 4 days!  This is getting into my "feel ok" week!"  So my spirits took a big hit today.  After posting a status asking for prayers.....I did begin to feel somewhat better.  And no, I know that is not coincidence.  I am well aware that prayer is the best medicine!  :)

However, that "free will" thing that we are born with, probably fueled by Satan a tad, kept me sinking into this "woe is me" attitude that really took over my day.  Ended the day with a good ole cry.....and usually "medicated me" can't find tears.  So there you have it!  I'm just a bawl bag today! :(

I worked a full day....Yay!  And picked up Syd and headed to the Doc.  I was to have labs, meet with Sally, Dr. Sneed's Nurse Practioner, and get the first of this round's three Neupogen injections.  My Sydney was precious today.  She has sensed that "momma has been down"....as much as I try to shield this from them.  At the very least, they read my blogs, so they know.  When I picked her up, she had perfomed the few chores I'd left to her to her "Sydney Clare" perfection, and even added a few extra's without being asked.  Took a big load off of ole mom.  I'm pretty OCD about a clean house, and can pretty much say I've not really lifted a finger....in a long time.  The kiddos and David are picking up so much of the slack for me.  So very grateful.

Anyway, we drove into Little Rock, having a little momma-Syd time.  Arrived at the Doc, and she loves watching me get shots.  Weird kid.  Until I HAD kids, I couldn't even have blood taken without fainting.  I'm a little tougher now....but needles aren't my favorite thing.  She watched the tech draw my blood and asked all kinds of questions....I found it humerous.  lol  And we waited to see Sally.

This would be my first time to see her rather than Dr. Sneed himself.  I must say, she was a blessing for me today.  Throughout all of this (with the exception of Dr. Harrison's ofc that very first day!) I've not shed one tear in front of a medical professional.  I'm not a hero....Celexa will do that for ya!  haha, but also, I usually am prepared and have my "this is business let's get it done" frame of mind at the doc.  But today, I was a bit broken.  I've felt so weak and almost like I really HAVE flunked the "Chemo Test" this week.  Trying to maintain a normal life through this is like trying to ride a bike up the toughest hill with the wind blowing straight against you as hard as you can possibly imagine it. 

Sally reminded me that it doesn't GET much worse than the chemo I'm getting.  And I'm getting these treatments closer together than most patients.  Doing as well as I am means I AM tough.  She looked past me and right at my Sydney.  And she told her how proud she should be of her mom.  That I am getting this horrible medicine in my body in such a way that few are even prescribed.  And I'm surviving it.  And I do have those stolen moments when I'm even thriving.  My NEUT% today was 0.06%.  Notice it was point.ZERO.six.  Meaning that I basically have no white blood cells.  And my blood pressure was low.  That alone would make fatigue a factor. 

While I'm sure that precious Sally is born to give these "pep talks,"  I SOOOO needed to hear that what I'm feeling isn't me being week.  It's me being "strong."  She let me cry, provided me tissues, even shed a few with me.....and shot me straight.  I've got two more of the "red devil."  I'm half-way finished with the worst four of the eight.  Most likely, the next two won't get better.  Accumulating these treatments, means most likely they will probabably be a little worse.  So I'm wrapping my head around that.  The final four treatments will be "Taxol" or  "Taxotere" and should not hit me as hard.  Ok....so let's get through these two.  Let's do this.  They placed me on a preventive antibiotic since my counts were so low and also a "miracle" wash for my mouth sores. 

I got hugs from my favorite peeps there, got my shot -- another fun moment for Syd...ha!, got my appointments for the next week or so and headed on out.  Sydney again, just quietly listened as I talked to her about my fears.  How I'm bummed that she will be in Conway next week.....her first year of School Dance team camp....and I most likely will not be able to make the trips to see her dance.  I pray every day that at the very least by Thursday I can make it for the final day.  Of course, she understands.  But this is a big week for her.  Not a "feel good mommy moment" at all.

We headed on to the ball field to watch my Sam.  Broken record time....I SOOOOO love my baseball family.  There isn't a single soul that I couldn't call and they would be there for me in a split second.  And every one of them are hurting right along with me with genuine concern.  Sometimes, I can feel "alone" in a crowded room.  And that's kinda where my spirit had been most of today.  Immediately, when I climbed to the top and sat by my "girls"....I felt at peace.  I don't know if they individually know what each and everyone of them mean to me.  Gosh...I get choked up thinking where we would be without them.  Friendships that have withstood the test of time, victories, disappointments, changes, and never....EVER....an ounce of drama.  Of course, I feel that way about others.  But these folks are special.  That's rare.  They are like family to me.....and they continue to help me in ways they don't even know.

Enjoyed my visits with them all....was happy to have my "little sister" Stacey there, to tell me all about her summer.  She is an active Chi-O at ASU and the big sister of Sam's friend and teammate.  Her mom was an Alpha Gam.  Sorry Susan, had to throw that in.  hehe  We, as a sisterhood are so blessed with Stacey.  Also, happy to visit with sweet Misti.....she popped in to watch our boys.

Lightening and rain cut the game short so we headed to the pharmacy an on home.  Due to it being after 9, I cooked grilled cheese sandwiches for the kiddos.....Sam ate SIX!  Lordy.  Anyway, headed on to bath & bed for my "good cry."  As I was about to hit "lights out," I was scrolling through Instagram and a friend had posted this......

Did that ever slap me right BETWEEN the eyes?  Upside the head? Trip me up?   Geesh.  I've wallowed all day.  Crying like a big ole baby.  And all the while, forgetting that I just need to give it to Him.  So that my friends, will be my attitude tomorrow.  Doesn't mean I'll feel good.  Or can do all I want to do.  But it means I'll be able to beat this....and be all HE wants me to be.  The rest is all just relative....right?

I'm going to end tonight's post like I plan to end each one for the next 3 months.  Save the date!  Race for the Cure in Little Rock:  Hooties for Hooters:  Team Terri, in memory of my mother, Patsy Cox.  We are doing the 5k walk.  And if I can do it.....anyone can!  I consider is a personal favor to anyone who will join in this cause.  I guarantee you will get much more out of it than I will.  By October 20, I will have been done with treatments exactly 1 month.  And I want EVERYONE I know to be there with me to celebrate.  As my friend Jana, who got this ball rolling says...."Let Little Rock know we are here!"  C'mon guys....sign up....don't disappoint me!  :)



Here is the link!  :)  Its also on my FB wall!  :)

http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568

I know my mom and countless others are SMILIN down from heaven!  :)

"Fear can keep us up all night long....but FAITH makes one fine pillow!"   Nite, friends!  :)

In Him,

Terri



Momma Has Cancer....:)

Notice the name change on my blog.  My God and I still are teaming up to earn my "Pink".  But a more realistic name for my journey....is "Momma Has Cancer...."   I am a mom.  A mom to two of the most precious souls on the planet.  And these kiddos are my strength and my reason to fight each day. 

They never complain.  They pile up in bed with me....because that's where I am the majority of the time these days.  They, too, treasure the moments of "normality" when I can steal a few moments to feel good enough for a lunch date or outing of any kind.  They still smile.  Still come to me for hugs.  Still keep their rooms a complete mess....forcing me to "holla".....:)  Love the normality and hope they bring to my every single day....without fail.  I've said it before.....but they have this "cancer" too.  They are also going through chemo with me.....Something I've watched my own mother go through.  I know it's not easy on them.  When I think about giving up.....and I have those moments from time to time....I just look at them.  They are so worth the fight. 

As much as I hate to go there, I must....Side effects are much worse this time.  This is a complete honest listing.....so if you don't really want the blow by blow....might wanna skip a few lines! :)  Nausea, Fever, Constipation to the point I'm bleeding, Fatigue, and Mouth sores.  The heat is killing me.  No headache this time....but the Aleve I was taking as a preventative during the day.....now hurts my tummy.  Doc had indicated that the Zofran to prevent nausea that I had taken during the first round religiously, can cause headaches.  So I've backed off of it this time.  And I've had more nausea.  One drug helps one thing....and seems to cause another issue.  During round 1, My "feel good day" was Saturday.  Day 7.  Still waiting Round 2's day to present itself. :(

Smells are starting to affect me. Not necessarily "food" smells.....but good smells. I've had to turn off the scentsy's.....find scent-free lip balm and lotions and bath soaps. Takes me back to my pregnancy days. When I was carrying Sam, is about the time that Victoria Secret put out its cucumber melon lotions, sprays, etc. I had so loved it. But after morning sickness, the cucumber melon smell to this day turns my stomach, 15 years later. Weird.

We are on day 8, last night was a rough night.  I woke up bound and determined to make it to Sunday School and Church.  My spirit is in need of as much healing as my body.  First, I wore the darn wig.  Just not me.  Hated it the whole time.  Of course, was met with many loving hugs, and friendly words, but inside I couldn't wait to get home and rip the thing off.  I remember sitting in SS and praying more than once that I wouldn't have to interupt by leaving in the middle.  Just didn't feel well.  Prayers worked....I made it through class and service and even had lunch with friends and kiddos.  I have about a "1 day window" when I can stomach Mexican food.....so we took it.  Reluctantly, but I took it.

Came home and found myself back in my bed where I am at the moment.  Funny, I used to love my bed.  I'm here so much feeling rotten, that its no longer a source of comfort anymore.  My spirit is breaking....because I'm only a quarter of the way through this nightmare.  I can't even allow myself to think about the strong possibility that it may not stop there.  What if I am battling this the rest of my life?  I've come to truly understand why some patients elect to stop treatment.  This isn't living.  This is merely a painful existance.  I know Satan is pulling and tugging at me trying to shake my faith.  I would be lying if I said that he isn't at times successful.  There are moments I find myself in tears just ready to give up....give in to this monster.  I've seen my own mother fight this for 5 years......and not survive it.  What is the world makes me think I will be any different?  Nobody can answer that.  There isn't a good answer.

I've rationalized many answers:  1) treatments have come a long way in 11 or so years.....ok.  Sure they have.  2)  My cancer is a different kind.....yep.  But not different "better"....but different "worse"....Mine is triple negative.  Can't be prevented, only killed.  3)  I'm a young (relativley speaking I guess!  :)) mother whose children need me......Of course they need me!  But my brother and I had the glue to our family ripped from us.  And our children were deprived from the most loving grandmother this world would have known.  So what can be said to that??  I have others, but will stop there.  Ya get the idea.  God hasn't revealed any answers yet.  Just His presence.  That is where I'm finding comfort.

I know that facing what could be a "terminal" illness has strengthened my faith.  But it continues to reach my weaknesses also.  I wouldn't be writing a blog from a place of honesty, if I didn't really "tell it like it is".  I'm scared to death.  I'm trying hard to focus on one day at a time.  Each day, I make myself list mentally the blessings of the day.  If I allow myself to think of this as a"long term" battle, which it is.....it drives me crazy.  But if I have to endure Breast Cancer....et.al, seriously enduring all that it entails.....the worry, the chemo, the side effects, the surgeries, the life alterations, the financial woes, the relationship changes.....all of it.  If I have to endure that to find peace in my faith.  To recognize my weaknesses and turn them around to help others.  To inspire even one person to be curious about Jesus.  I'd honestly do it all again.  I still fall short daily.  But as Pastor Rick fed me today....that "God's will" isn't that I got cancer.  He doesn't "will us" to endure pain.  But His will for us is to turn to Him in times of struggle.   To have an un-ending faith and trust in Him that nothing can break.

The Lord is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in Him, 
Nahum 1:7

I look at my kids.  They are stronger than I ever could be.  They are the epitome of strength and courage.  It can't be easy on them to watch their otherwise active mom, down for days on end.  But in their eyes I find the hope.  I realize my Sam and Sydney Clare are blessings straight from God, hand-picked to be my children, faithful Christ-followers, who never doubt for a second that "Momma's gonna be ok."  They are my best friends.  My everything.  I've been a wife, daughter, sister, friend, and Christian.  I've also been a sinner.  I've fallen short of Christ's plans for me many times throughout my life.  Through His grace, I've found salvation and forgiveness.  In my heart, I also know, that through God and His love for me, I will also be a Survivor.  Still.....my most treasured of these all....is that I'm a mom.  I am Sam's mom.  I am Sydney Clare's mom.  Blessed.

In Him,
Terri

2nd round and down.....:)

2 down my friends....and only 6 more to go!  This one has been a doosey.....(is that even a word???  Sorry to my fellow grammatical gurus....) but quite a bit to report.

Hair is gone...
I am now bald, my friends. When I was first diagnosed, remember I went to the New Outlook Center at St. Vincent's and sweet Alicia informed me..."You will lose your hair....two weeks from your first treatment.  Mark my words!".  Love those that don't sugar-coat and just tell it like it is!  And she was pretty much dead on!  Last Wednesday, I started "shedding" for lack of better words.  David was working out of town last week and I told him the minute he got home that we were heading outside with his trimmers.  By Thursday, it was coming out in "clumps"....and driving me crazy. When I got home that afternoon, and took one look at him, I KNEW he couldn't do it.  Lordy.  Tears streaming down HIS face.  I might lose an ear or something.....:)  God love him. 

My Leah lives all the way in Dallas and wasn't due in for another couple of weeks ....so what to do?? David and Sam always go to the local "Great Clips" to get their hair cut and they have a favorite girl, "Lyndsey" who we found out just a short time ago is the daughter of our dear friend, Jon.  Small world.....all this time she has cut their hair, we had no idea.  Anyway, I immediately texted Jon to see if maybe she was working.  She was....and we headed up there.

Jon had given her a "heads up" that we were coming and she was simply precious.  Led us to a chair in the back.  She tried to hide her emotion and was so sweet as we went through this.  I had already melted down...just a little....a day or two before.  Another dose of reality set in.  David sat in a chair and fought back tears himself.  Her kindness and gentleness will never be forgotten.  David, who is about as picky with his own hair, decided to shave his head as well....God placed this sweet girl here....this day....and her connection to us was no "coincidence".  No doubt in my mind.  I will never forget that day....and her part in making it much easier on the both of us.  Here is a pic of us.....I didn't ask her for permission.....so I may have to ask for her forgiveness.  I just want to document what a precious thing she did for us this difficult day......

I left there that afternoon with a feeling of "relief".....Call me "vain", but since I first heard the word cancer....I imagined myself bald.  I knew it was coming, but you can never really prepare yourself for the way you look to the outside world.  I now look sick.  I'm getting that "gray" chemo look, zero tan, of course, bald, and dark circles under my eyes.  Made me think alot about outward beauty.  I've never been pretty by the "world's standards"......at all.  But I've been a little "high maintenance" to try to look and feel my best.  Before all this, I had just come off of a 6 month diet in which I'd dropped 41 lbs.  I worked hard at it....and was starting to feel much better about myself. 

In the whole scheme of things....who cares, darn it?  Beauty truly is from within.  I don't like looking in the mirror anymore.  The idea of a wig makes me cringe.  Its not me.  Me?  is bald.  Is gray. Looks like a "cancer patient."  Do I feel pretty?  No.  But in exchange....I feel blessed.  I know this is only temporary.  And focusing on my outward "looks" is only Satan's way of taking my focus away from the fight.  My hair will grow back.  My "boobies" can be reconstructed.  In the meantime, I can't let chemo take away a smile.  Or inner beauty.  That is my focus.....to work on being more beautiful....inside. 

Treatment #2:

My sweet Shane arrived all the way from Searcy to be my "chemo buddy" last Friday.  Drove to Benton to pick me up and drive me back to Little Rock for my treatment.  Chemo is pretty uneventful.  Just get hooked up to the "stuff" for a couple of hours while ya sit and wait.  This gave us time for a great visit and of course, many laughs as always.  I just love Shane.  She is a busy single mom of three, works two jobs and goes to school.  Our busy lives don't allow for many visits....but somehow, when we have a few stolen moments to talk.....she gives me more strength than I can describe.  A fellow "sister in Christ"....she is continually a source of strength for me.  I am so blessed to have a friend in her.  I only hope I can be to others....and to her in return.... what she is for me.

They say that laughter is the best medicine.  And we definately shared many of those, as always.  Sonya popped in for an impromptu visit at chemo.....bearing gifts....chocolate!  :)  I just love her.  Sonya always wears a smile.  No matter what is going on that day or inside of her....she smiles.  I can feel her love.  Those friends are rare and special  So blessed for these girls!  We had our little chemo party......which always prompts a photo op....

Shane, Sonya, Josh and Me!  :)

Me and my sweet Shane:)

My "Rock Star" Chemo nurses....Carolyn and Linda!  :)

I have been blessed with the best care ever.  Not only are they "doing their job"....they truly care about me as a person.  And they let me and my silly friends take over the chemo room every other Friday!  :)  These ladies are truly a blessing to me.  I can't imagine going through this nightmare without them. 

Magic Mike:

I was bound and determined to squeeze every single minute of "feel good" that I had left until the chemo set in.  A big group of girlfriends met at the opening night of "Magic Mike".....Lordy....what fun and laughter!  :)

Saturday morning, Deb and I set out to Little Rock with her sweet Ashlyn, to just goof off and hunt for some scarves to accessorize my "new look".....mainly wanted to just have a girly day.  She picked me up dawning her "blinged doo-rag"......in honor of my "new do".....:)

What a friend!  We had the best day!  Big ole yummy Cracker Barrell breakfast...and we hit the stores.  It didn't take me long to figure out that scarves really weren't a good look for me either....sigh.  I'm not 80.  Scarves make me feel 80.  So...cute caps, big earrings it is.  As always, we shared laughter, a couple of tears, and several "Deb pep talks".....I honestly don't know where I'd be without her friendship.  She is truly like a sister to me in so many ways.  A genuine caring person.....I know now why God called her into nursing.....her compassion is flawless.  But I also know that he hand-picked her to hold my hand through this struggle.  Every step of the way.  What a blessing.  Gosh, what a blessing.  And to her sweet family for sharing her with me....day and night. 

About 3 that Saturday, I began to sink.  Pretty much stayed in bed until Wednesday.  This one was worse.  Much worse.  My boss....who is a Godly man I call a friend....said it best to me today...."The sooner you wrap your head around the fact that each treatment will most likely be worse on you....the better emotionally you will be to fight this."  How true.  This poison is killing my body.  Only I can control my spirit.  His words changed my focus.  I was down.  Down that I was simply unable to work.  Its Thursday, and I have a total of 5 hours on this check.  The blessing is that my job is secure.  And this too....shall pass.  God has continued to show His presence in our lives.....and met our needs.  So I'm choosing to continue to trust in Him.

More ballgames missed, more dependence on others to cart my kiddos around.  More kicks to the spirit of being a mom that I miss so much.  My Syd was a Junior Counselor at Family Farm this week.  God bless Leigh for getting Syd to and from the bus each day.  Family Farm is a Christian day camp that is an "outdoorsy" camp....horseback riding, canoing, fishing, paddle boats, ziplines.  I found it so wonderful that her stories each day were centered around "Christ" things.....rather than stories of just "fun in the sun."  I believe she said that 11 or 12 children were saved this week.  So grateful that my babygirl gets the opportunity to be a part of such wonderment.  God is so good.  Those moments get me through these days of "being in the bed."

Independence Day!:
Wednesday was the "4th".....we were invited to the Hathcotes.....one of the most precious families on earth!  This is a tradition of sorts.  In fact, I can't remember a 4th in recent years, when they didn't invite us to join their huge family....(and I mean HUGE....9 kids and spouses....and expecting their 20th grandchild!!) ....for pool fun, food, family, and usually fireworks.  The burn ban dampered the fireworks, but certainly not the spirit of the day.  I honestly worried all day that I wouldn't feel up to it.  It was so hot out, and I just felt terrible.  They were grilling about 5:00 and I climbed out of bed at 4:30 for the first time since Sat.  I washed my face....threw on a cap  (Hey!  silver lining....I can literally be ready in 10 mins!  hehe) and off we went.  My kids and David were excited to go and I was determined.

Kyle & Kim's beautiful shaded backyard pool is about 20 degrees cooler than the rest of the world.  I got to visit with such precious people, love on babies, eat some "good ole Hathcote grub" (including Grandma's potato salad that is the best I've ever had....every year!!), and stick my feet in the pool!  So glad I went.  So honored to be included with their family each year.  Truly precious people and friends.  And this year was no different.  Such a loving family.....that we are blessed to call dear friends.

The texts, phone calls, visits from "climb in the bed with me" girlfriends, Lordy...the food!, cards, gifts, and emails.  Again, each one perfectly placed at a time when I needed to be fed a dose of strength.  With so much wrong in this world.....I've been reminded of so much "good" among us.  The sweetest of "new friends"....the comfort of my "closest" circle of friends....the blessings of "old friends".....I just can't describe.  God is placing people to meet even the smallest of needs.....Can you believe that after blogging that I was waiting until payday to mail thank you notes....sweet Becky....a friend from high school....sends me postage stamps.  How clever!  :)  Even the smallest of needs....continue to be met.  Praise HIM from whom all blessings....even the greatest of friends.....flow.

Tonight....my sweet Marsha came to visit.  Without detail....I will just say that she thinks of needs that others may not.  And meets them.  She not only loves me.  But she loves my children as she would her own.  And for that....I'll love her forever.

Save the Date!:
My dear friend and Chi-O sister, Jana, is spear-heading a "Team Terri" for this year's Race for the Cure in October.  Tshirts and all....kinda "official-like."   I am truly honored, and hopes to have all my wonderful friends join me for this wonderful thing.  What Jana or a few others don't know, is that since my mom passed away 11 years ago, I've been unable to actually go to the race.  While I make my donation as a "virtual runner".....its just too hard to go and be there knowing this monster took my mom from me.  She lived for the race every year and she was SO proud to wear her "survivor pink".  So this year.....I am earning that darn pink.....and I want my "Team Terri" to walk for HER!  If all goes as scheduled, my last treatment will be Sept 21.  The race is Oct 20.  What a celebration!!!  And what a party!  :)  I'd be truly honored for anyone who wants to walk with us to please let me know.  :) 

I know I've left out so many blessings if I were to list them all.  In all honesty, I thrive on them.  I am hurting.  I'm hurting for some people in my life who are hurting.  Friends who have been betrayed.  Friends who have suffered without need.  Relationships that are changing.....even ending.  Hearts are breaking.  Please pray for my friends.  For they deserve the very best in this world for what they give to others.  I hate it that I'm not in the position to just "fix it".....just like they hate it that they can't "fix me."  But what friends do....is love you through it.  And pray without ceasing.  If there is anything worse than cancer.....its a broken heart.  Please pray with me that these broken hearts are led to Jesus and that they trust in HIS plans for them.  Pray that they know without a doubt how much I love them and hurt with them.  And pray that I have the right words even in my darkest days ahead.

I am posting a video of one of my dearest "friendship" songs that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  I love it....and still rings true for each and every one of my "friends" today.  I love you......and here's to you!  :)

Friends are friends forever...if the Lord's the Lord of them.  A lifetime's not too long....to live as friends.  :)

In Him,

Terri

The Good Stuff! :)

I am blogging tonight feeling very very good....inside and out. Funny how things can change from "blog to blog" huh? What a difference a day makes!

Last week, I posted from a place of weakness and despair. Despair that literally scared me. I kept thinking to myself..."Do I really have to feel like THIS for the next 4 months?" I realize now looking back that it was the "unknown" again....that had me worried. With the first treatment....I had all those "new things" to go through again. Kept waiting for the "bomb" to go off, so to speak. Didn't know how long "this" would last or "that" would last. Didn't know what medicine might be causing me to feel this way....or what might be causing me to feel that way. It was an experimental week of sorts. And a crummy one at that.

Saturday morning, I woke up feeling like a new woman. Honestly, it was the best I'd felt since surgery nearly 2 months ago. We hit the ground running and were at the ballpark in Conway by 10 and pulled away from there about 11 that night. It was awesome!!

A full day of laughter with my baseball fam, watching my son "doing what he loves", spending the day with David and Syd. Basically I was doing what my heart enjoys. Couldn't ask for a more perfect day.  Call it the magic of Aleve, finally knocking the headache I'd had for 4 days. Call it Day 7 and the chemo finally letting up and me feeling better. What I really think? Prayers were heard. And prayers were answered. I posted my blog all but begging for prayers last week and within hours I felt incredible. Not just ok.....I've felt awesome.

Sunday was a day of "fabulous-ness" too! Up and at it early, we headed to Sunday School and church. David and I hadn't really plugged into a Sunday School class "together" yet and we were visiting one for the first time.  Not just welcomed....but EMBRACED.....we absolutely loved it. I already feel a part only after one visit. David and I had been discussing this for a while, and I've felt a "tugging" at me for some time, and I am so very honored to become a part of such a special group of people. As we walked in, we were immediately met with old friends, new friends, and just smiles all around. Our God is so incredibly good. I'm bummed that I most likely will be unable to attend next Sunday, after my next treatment. But warms my heart that David wants to go without me. That....is big.

Sunday afternoon, we continued "blown and goin" as I prepared to send Syd off to "My Jerusalem" which is a mission opportunity for the middle schoolers. We got her packed, her "snacks" bought, and headed to the parent meeting that night. Later I cleaned the dental office that I clean each week and headed home. Was a full day and I felt awesome!

The fact that I had these days were I could be "me" did wonders for my emotions and spirit. It showed me that while I'll have those crummy days, that I will also have the good ones to still look forward to. Week on....Week off. I'll take it! :)

Worked a full day yesterday and headed off to LR with Sam to meet with Dr. Sneed. He seemed pleased with how things were going and optimistic that we have chosen the right path.  I am scheduled for three Neupogen injections, which are to give my bone marrow a boost to make the necessary white blood cells quicker.  The goal of my "dose dense" regimen is to hit it hard and fast, so missing or delaying a treatment kind of defeats its purpose. 

Some experience side effects of bone pain, maybe a low grade fever to the Neupogen, but so far so good.  I've not seen any effects as of yet.  (Praise God!)  Counts taken today have not shown improvement, in fact they were a bit lower than yesterday.  So my specific prayers are that the meds kick in and improve my counts before Friday!  Friday is chemo day.  Let's get this done.

Medical stuff noted.  So on to more awesomeness!  :)  I didn't realize I'd become friends with such awesome cooks!  I think I have eaten my weight in the best chicken & dumplins I've EVER put in my mouth!  (Sorry to my wonderful aunts....yours are delicious too!)  But sweet Jackie knows how to cook!  She and Tracie were kind enough to feed us Friday night.....with plenty of leftovers!  :)  Last night, Holley and Karen brought us Tacos and all the fixens and brownies!  My Sam was in heaven.  And I'm sure Madison was glad she was visiting on a night when I wasn't doing the cooking!  :) Not only that, we have a couple of extra meals for my freezer.  How awesome is that??   My facebook was hacked today by one of those crazy posts boasting about  how I lost 23 lbs....etc.etc.  I was driving home from LR and my phone was blowing UP with all the people scolding me about still trying to lose weight, etc etc.  Funny thing is....I think I'm the only patient in history that actually GAINED weight during chemo.  Geesh....I gained a lb!  Lordy....its all that good cookin I been gettin!  :)

Also might be due to the fact that my morning "donut hole" habit has somehow kicked back in this week.  The Shipley's lady knows me and has my order there each day  (sad huh?)  but its more than that.  She and I were chatting and she is a 6 year survivor!  :)  She is so sweet each day and always asks how I'm feeling.  Simply precious.

Tonight, I'm again overwhelmed.  The local JA chapter has a service project called "Gathering of Dreams" in which they choose a family that might be going through a difficult "bump in the road" or difficulty, and they keep in contact with them throughout to offer emotional and financial support.  Apparantly, the children and I were nominated and chosen for this.  I am beyond grateful and overwhelmed beyond description.  Another example of how God will never leave us or foresake us. Through this wonderful, self-less, act of love for me and my children.  For those ladies who felt led to help us among all of the many other service projects they provide for our community.  We are so blessed.  Please join me in prayer for these wonderful ladies.  There is not a "thank you" proper enough, big enough, or loving enough that expresses the feelings the children and I have today.....and for the days to come.

There are days when I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.  And then there are days, like today, that I'm reminded of all the goodness of others out there.  Those who offer help in many different forms and fashions.....from sweet words....to prayers.....to meals.....whatever.  And they never expect a thing in return.  I know I sound like a broken record when I go on and on about how blessed we are.  Being far away from family is hard....but God contstantly reaffirms that we are exactly where we need to be.

Saturday, I was at the ballpark....and sweet Ashlyn, 10 year old daughter and "mini-me" of Deb's......was sitting near Syd and I.  She is very curious and so very concerned about what I'm going through.  She was asking when I thought I'd lose my hair.....how I felt....if I ever "threw up"....hehehe....very curious "little girl" questions.  She went on to say that she SO WISHED this wasn't happening to me.  Went on to say....that a "Good Friend" (and she nodded toward Syd) once told her that God won't put any more on me than I can't handle.  Wow!  Syd shared that with her little friend.....which made me very proud.  Ashlyn heard and BELIEVED that.....which made me prouder.....and further....I needed to hear it!!  (Reminder...this was the first day I'd felt good in a week!)  I immedatiely hugged that little girl so tight.  Looked over and of course David was tearing up!  :)  God love him.  I just couldn't resist sharing that precious moment.

She is right.  God's plan is perfect.  His timing is perfect.  This is what is supposed to be happening to me and the best way I know to get through it is to trust in His plans for me.  Maybe its so that someday I can help someone else.  Maybe its so that my kiddos can witness others.  Its being revealed more and more to me that I have a purpose.  This cancer has a purpose.  I'm not to question it, but to listen.  And trust.

We still share laughs through our "cancer jokes"....Like the day I received a door hanger on my door for a free cemetary plot.  Or when the mosquitos were about to carry us off at the ballpark and I dared them to eat on me.......the red devil will send them right to their death!  haha...  I know this is cancer is a journey that I must take to be a better Christian.  And I'm doing my very best to be just that.  How strange is it that this cancer has been a blessing to me in ways.  God knows what He is doing!  :)

I have another prayer request.  Blue Cross has started to deny my claims based on the suspician of a "pre-existing" condition.  My effective date of the policy was 4/15/2012.  Upon my approval of insurance, I immediately scheduled a routine physical with Dr. Harrison on 4/23/2012.  The lump was found and later confirmed in the mammogram that day.  I am appealing this decision.  But very worried.  The stress is consuming me enough to pay for my $2,500 deductible, plus my 20% which represents MY part of the responsibility, plus the pharmacy co-pays, and plus the monthly premiums to THEM.  Now, I'm facing the fact that excess of $40,000 in medical claims to date (before chemo) that are being denied.  This on top of rarely getting to work a full week and paying all the normal household bills!  So please....pray for me.  Tired of losing sleep over this!  I DID tell the BC/BS rep (kindly, of course!) that the stroke and heart attack that I'm bound to suffer due to the stress THEY are causing me better NOT be denied based upon a pre-existing condition!  :)  Prayers appreciated, my friends!

One more tidbit of business:  I want to take a moment to go on record as saying that I can't possibly name each and every way or action that someone does for us daily.  They would charge me for using too much memory on here!  :)  I am already feeling so inadequate as a friend because I'm just not up to fulfilling my roles to others that I want so desperately to.  Sometimes, I'm not good at immediately responding to texts.....I am so far behind on thank you notes that I'm getting embarrassed.  But mostly, I want to convey to everyone who helps us in big ways, small ways, in prayer, meals, words, cards, texts, money, whatever the case.  That it is NOT going unnoticed.  I mention many by name.  But there are SO many that are worthy of name mentions on here and it kills me to think that I may be hurting feelings.  This blog is for me to heal.  For me to survive this incredible monster we are fighting against.  To work through my own fear, my joys, my sorrows, etc.  So if anyone has felt like you weren't appreciated.....please put that to rest now.  God has placed every person in our paths .....for a reason, season, or whatever.  It's in HIS perfect plan.  And for that.....I know how blessed we are and give HIM the glory.

Cancer does a lot.  Satan likes to remind me on those "woe is me" days what all it has taken from me.  But what cancer cannot do.....

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

For me...and Through our Heavenly Father.....
It changes love.  It encourages hope.  It strengthens faith.  It provides peace. It increases confidence. It nurtures friendships.  It rushes to create and cherish memories.  It IS courage. It makes you reach for eternal life.  It awakens the Spirit.

That my friends....is the good stuff.
In Him,
Terri

Chemo 101

It's been a while since I've posted.....and since I've had this blank white screen glaring back at me waiting for me to write something "profound..."  Truth is....there is only a few ways to say that I feel like poo.....And I do.  Big time poo. 

I told the girls at Dr. Sneed's office....."I don't much like the cocktails ya'll serve here.....hangovers are brutal and goin on 5 days now."  :)  That is my attempt at humor under chemo.  So forgive me in advance....my humor is bound to get worse.  :) I'm grumpy.  So please try to love me through it!  :) Gonna do my best to record my last week....in which the "ups," while incredible... were few, and the "downs"....well, they were pretty crummy. 

Power Port:
Last Thursday, I had my little "surgery" for the port placement.  I received a Power Port.....which to me didn't mean much, and to most, won't mean much either.  Just means I won't be stuck a thousand times in the next few months -- they can access this hunk of metal in my already scarred up chest.  (Yep, I'm also bitter tonight.  Probably NOT a great day to write, so I'm trusting anyone who might be reading is doing so with a forgiving heart! <3)  Anyway, the surgery went ok....my dear Sonya drove me and was my "in case of emergency" person that day.  More than that, she lovingly sat there through my nervousness.  I have and will make this statement a thousand times....I have such dear friends.  Friends who ARE my family.  I will never be able to thank them all properly.  Never.

Was so grateful for the few stolen moments I'd had with Sonya and Shane the afternoon before.  They will never know or fathom how much it means to me to have those moments with them.

Aren't they just beautiful?  I teased them that I looked like I had already STARTED chemo next to them!  They shushed me and wouldn't even acknowledge that with an answer of course!

The Port.  The darn thing just hurts!  It also happens to be on my "bad side" ....which is kinda good.....means I have a port-free "good side" :)  But a week out and its still very swollen and painful.  Down in the muscle kind of pain.  Blah.  Good news is that my "burning" pain from the Masectomy seems to be better.  Or less obvious.  So that is good.  Just still recovering from the "trauma" of all the "stuff" done in that area.  Emotionally....I may never recover.  I look in the mirror and cry at least once a day.  But taped to my bathroom mirror is this verse:

1 Peter 3:3-4

³ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Para-phrased by my mom...."Pretty IS as Pretty DOES"  :)  I take comfort in scripture as I'm facing more and more of my "outward" self changing with my illness.  And its cure.  Sigh.  Good thing?  Big flowy tops are in this season! :)   AND....I still have my hair.  For today.  :)

New Chemo Plan:

Had my first treatment last Friday, June 15.  "Chemo Day" was met with quite a bit of anxiety.  I worked until noon and then Deb loaded me up and we headed to get this ball rolling!  We arrived and headed back.  My whole plan had changed, effective following a 10:00 phone call the night before from Dr. Sneed, my oncologist.  I am still taking the same chemo meds....just a tad differently.

I am opting for the "Dose Dense" Therapy as follows:
First four treatments:  Andriamycin and Cytoxan
Second four treatments:  Taxol
Total of 8 treatments, every 2 weeks.  I will have to have 3 Neupogen shots in between each treatment. 

Sorry for all the medical mumbo jumbo.  Mainly recording it for my own records.  But, for you guys out there....its supposed to be a little less harder on me, than the 3 month TAC and done a tad sooner than the 6 month option I'd been given early on.  I guess I can call it "ACT"? :)  Same drugs, just in a different regimen.  The "AC" part is also called the "red devil".....

It's even scary in the bag.  Even makes you potty red!  :)  I'll tell ya....I was saying a LOT of prayers while hooked up to the devil.  Deb was there and we were havin fun with the wig basket, and the nurses.  I think I'm going to leave this experience with some definite new friends.  They were so caring and kind.  It must be heart-wrenching what they do each day.  God chooses those ladies and places them there.  I know this.

Deb and I never miss a photo op.....even "chemo fun"!  :)

I have such pretty friends!  :)  In every sense of the word!  Straight from 1 Peter!  :)  I'm sure the other patients were cracking up as we were yapping about nonsense and eating Sonic.  Yep....from the chemo chair!  :)  Bless her heart...she was leaving for the beach that afternoon and hadn't packed a thing.  But was there with me and the devil!  ha

The chemo hit me about like I expected.  Some ways worse.....some ways maybe not as bad.  Extreme fatigue.  So much that this on-the-go insomniac never left the bed....literally....for 3 days.  Day 4 (Tues), I found the recliner.  I signed up for the worst flu bug you can imagine....times 10.  Uggggg.  While my anti-nausea meds worked fairly well.....I can't describe the fatigue.  It's not a matter of "being tough and taking it".....its a matter of literally being able to hold your head up. 

Despair set in as the world went on around me.  Doors slamming as the kids came and went.  Panther games....I have NOT attended as many as I have lately.....even my sweet animals don't know what to think about me. 

I worked half day on Wed.  Took everything I had.  Everything.  To the doc for labs Wed afternoon -- they said they looked good.  Wondering on what scale?  Cause I felt anything but "good"....:)  But I'll take good.  Hanging on to any good news I can get!  Back to Dr. Hagans on this am for a checkup.....again..."all looked good"....that word again.  Good.  Worked until 4.  And I may actually get a full day in tomorrow if I'm lucky.  Sigh.  SOOOOOO blessed with wonderful bosses who are fighting this with me and are full of understanding.

I guess I am feeling a little better each day.  Except for this horrible nagging headache that nothing touches.  Not Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Aleve, or even the "good meds".....nothing touches it.  Its from the chemo.  Gonna have to manage the pain....however, its miserable.  Light, noise, everything hurts with a headache striking about 20 on a 1-10 scale. 

I feel like a whiner about now.  I'm doing an awful lot of griping.  I know.  Please understand I'm not looking for sympathy, pity, or tears.  Prayers?  You betcha!  But I'm mainly hoping to help someone out there know what to expect if they are in line for my "cocktail"......and also for myself so I'll know exactly how I felt on what day.  If I'm faced with this again in 10 years....I may forget!  :)

Truth is, I'm trying to face this battle with as much dignity and class as possible.  Many ways I fall short.  This week....I've been snappy and grumpy and not very loveable.  FAR from dignified OR classy!  Glad I have my God!  And my friends who are literally holding me up....by climbing in bed with me bearing orange slushies, or treating ME normal by crying to me with their issues.  It is an honor to be trusted and to be in prayer for my friends.  The ones who are feeding us (literally through the meal train).....texting me, sending me cards, emails, facebook messages.  Each and every one comes in God's perfect timing just when I need it. Visits from friends day and night.... A comfort I can't describe. My "heros" -- "Dana" :) who have fought this fight and won....and who reach out to me and give me strength not just by her kind words of encouragement but also by her example.  Wow.  To my "ball moms" who are hauling my Sam everywhere and yelling for him when I can't be there.  Another blessing.  God is workin!    Which brings me to the "good stuff".....

Tootie:
My Aunt Tootie has been with me all week.  Passing through on her vacation last weekend....she made my uncle leave her here for the week.  She has driven me around, cooked for us, taken care of my kids and my animals.  Such a blessing to me this week!!!!  I honestly don't know what I'd done without her!  It was also nice to just spend some time with her visiting.  We don't get time like that often.....and it was nice.  Even though I didn't feel well....I was able to rest...guilt-free....knowing she was there for my babies.  The ultimate comfort!!  I love her!

Strangers:
I've talked before about the kindness of my friends....and strangers alike.  But this week a couple stand out.  I had an issue with my water heater beginning of the week and the Centerpoint man had to come out and help me with a "gas issue."  I was holding down the recliner that day.....and he was just coming and going through the door doing his thing and as he poked his head in to tell me I'd have hot water in "30 mins" (Yay!), his eyes turned soft and he asked me about my cancer.  At first, I was wondering how in the world he knew.....did I have "chemo" across my forehead already?  Then it hit me that my "cardboard ministry" signs were hanging in the foyer.  He was the sweetest man.  Asked if he could pray for me and made certain before he left that he knew I had a church family and that my children were a part of a youth ministry.  It was very touching.  There was a gentleness about him that made me weep as he left.  I know that I am in his prayers.....and probably will continue to be for a while.

There is another lady in the office building I'm in that came in the other day.  She caught the tail end of my phone conversation before I could help her and gathered that I was having this "cancer struggle". After a few minutes she asked if she could pray WITH me....and took my hands in hers and led prayer right there over my desk.  She led the most intimate prayer for my personal healing.  THIS....is the good stuff.

Stepping into the Ring:
My friend Shannon, gave me a book early on in my battle.  I'm embarrassed....totally....to say, that I've just found the time to read it.  I read the entire book in less than 30 minutes.  I realized it was like reading a book about my very own journey.  Wow.  Here is the book:

If you or someone close to you is touched by cancer.....breast cancer, specifically.....this is a MUST read!!!  I have highlighed most of the book as special to me.....and can't help but share a few.....

".....Finding out I had cancer was like going to sleep in my own bed and suddenly waking up in the middle of a boxing ring.  Out of the clear blue, I am standing toe-to-toe with the Heavyweight Champion of the World, the crowd is looking on, and I am in my pajamas and don't even know how to throw a punch."

Boy does that take me back to April 23, 2012.  Standing in Dr. Harrison's office with my friends.

"...Every line the doctor said was a physical punch.  Blow after blow the words kept coming, until I was sick to my stomach and dizzy with fatigue.  The wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't say anything, my tongue was numb, and my eyes refused to blink.  Inside, I was SCREAMING, NO!  Please, God, no."

"...I was already in the ring..  I could keep standing there, literally getting killed, or I could fight begin to fight back."

Cancer is mean.  Cancer doesn't discrimate.  It doesn't care that it could leave children without their mother.  It is a cruel thief and it deserves my anger.  I AM angry.  I am angry that it has taken my body.  But through my faith and HOPE in my God.....I will give it up to save my life.  It will take my breasts.  It will take my hair.  But the disease isn't getting the "good stuff!"  The "me" that laughs at my kiddos when they toot or that loves reality tv or the "me" that believes love and forgiveness can change the world.  The Cancer Thief has a fight!!!!  It's not taking my "goods."  And the value of it all underneath.  My body hurts.  It's "damaged goods" quite possibly.  But my heart and my faith couldn't be stronger.  I'd get into the ring ANY day with God in my corner!

In the book of Isaiah, it tells us "Your hope will not be cut off."  As I went over these words and thought about hope.....this song in its once again "perfect timing" came on....

 

Yes, everything....especially in the world of the kids and I.....rides on Hope.  And in Faith.  Worrying about tomorrow is just borrowing trouble.  Today....I live!  :)

"Hope is not a positive mental attitude.  I have hope but am not always positive.  There is no way to conquer true despair with "happy thoughts."  Hope has real strength, but not strength of its own.  The power of Hope comes for the truth it hopes in; no matter the outcome, I can hale life, because the loving, merciful, God of the universe is good and He is looking after me.  So if I fan the flame of Hope everyday, I win."

I have much more to write about in the "goodness" of this week.  But it's bedtime.  Another day.  I kinda feel like I've flunked Chemo 101.  But as I was reminded this week...its a marathon, not a sprint.  I have cancer.  But.....and I say this with a smile.....Cancer does NOT have me!

In Him,

Terri

PS....I was reminded today that my struggle, while big to me......is nothing like some.  My children are healthy and happy.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Hug your babies and hold on for a minute.