To my Syd....on HIS Senior Night

Dear Sydney Clare,

I've been consumed by your brother for several weeks.  As you know...and are VERY well aware....it is his Senior year.  A series of "lasts" for him.  Throughout it all, it has been on my heart for so long to make sure that YOU don't get lost in this sweet blessing of chaos that we share during this special time for HIM.  For you see?  It's about you, too....my sweet daughter.

I watch as you jump in....to make his last year special.  How you take in every moment.  I also watch as you fight with him on a daily basis....only to be the first to hurt when he does.  I watch you as HIS biggest cheerleader and is always in his corner.  I see you cherish his moments of victory and are saddened at his moments of defeat.  Thank you.  

But...did you know?  That he is all of those things for you?  He loves that you have given your all to dance.  He hurts when you feel as if you've failed your team.  He "bows up" when someone tries to break your spirit.  He texts me to ask about you when he can't be where you are.  Newsflash....your brother loves ya, sis!  And God knows.....so do I.

My precious children, sometimes you might think I don’t like being your mom. When my face gets all weird and scary looking. When my patience is short. When I’m too tired to do all the things I need to do for you and I get frustrated that you didn’t do it yourself. You have seen sides of me that others have not. You have seen me at my worst.

It has been your little hands and hearts that have brought me to my knees. I have learned through your lives that there is always someone more important than myself. Serving you has left me tired and drained. Serving you has been the best thing I could do in my lifetime. Your lives remind me every day that life is not about me, it is about loving others. You have no idea now, but you are teaching me to lean hard into the moments that shape my character, no matter how uncomfortable they are. You are teaching me that serving others around the clock is hard work. But it is turning me into something beautiful.

Before I had you I was told that children are a blessing. They were right, but I didn’t understand what they meant. I thought children were a blessing because they were fun and and really cute to carry around. Now I know that children are a blessing because they turn my eyes away from myself. Your lives have stolen my heart. My heart can’t beat for myself anymore. It beats for you from morning to night, and all through the night. When you are in pain or when you have to work extra hard, I feel what you feel. When your feelings are hurt, my heart breaks with yours. When you experience something new and you scream with excitement, I am cheering right along side of you.

Sydney, I'm so proud of you.  Yes, I get mad ya.  Like when evil creeps in .....in the form of a teenage smart mouth....and you lash at me.  When you wake each morning a total terror to all around you.  But I realize, that you feel the need to fight for my attention.  For you have always had to share the spotlight of my love.  You are the "second child".  You feel like you are in his shadow.  I remember once....you wrote on a sticky note in my office years ago...."Its always ALL about Sam!"   It broke my heart that you felt that way.  I know its normal.  I was grew up a sibling myself, never feeling "good enough."  But please know.  Its also...all about YOU!  

I know as you get older, mean people will try to tell you that the second child is loved less. That there is no way you can love another one as much as the first. Well, I'm sorry to say that's a lie. And as you continue to grow, you will hear more and more of them. They say, "A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes." From the second the doctor placed you on my chest, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. It is possible to love so much it hurts, over and over and over again. I would give my life for you and your brother without hesitation. I will love you just as much as I love him for eternity. Don't you ever believe anything other than that I have also loved you with every piece of me, and you will never hear an apology for that.

While I wish I could "fall back" this weekend....to time when you both were just starting your journey, and the thought of your brother graduating literally gives me hives and the runs, know that I am looking forward to my time with you.  Much too soon, it will be your turn.  

You are my best friend.  I love our laughs and our silliness and our shenanigans.  I love our special moments that we share that noone else really "gets."  I realize as a mom how blessed I am to have a daughter that enjoys me as much as I enjoy her.  Thank you for sharing YOUR love with me even when I'm not very lovable.  And while our "normal" will change.....I promise that my love for you will not. 

While the next few months with encompass a celebration of the accomplishments of your brother, as he enters the next phase of his life....you are not forgotten.  You are as much a part of his journey as anyone.  I'm watching you and loving you, too.  I'm grateful for your heart.  Your loving kindness for others.  

Enjoy every precious moment with your brother.  For you cannot get these back.  

I love you, my Sydney Clare.....

Momma