To my Sam...
You knew it was coming. :) First of all, let me say that I do not mean to
embarrass you with this; however, I do believe that it is a mother's
prerogative to allow her emotions to overwhelm her at certain points of her
life. The opportunity to begin the next chapter of your life as you enter into
adult-hood is one of them. It is because this means that my chapter as your
mother is going to begin changing as well. So be patient with me, because
if I’m crying while writing this, I will most certainly be crying as you read
it. A mother’s love knows no bounds and neither does her sadness and
trepidation as her first born son moves onto the next phase of his life,
without her holding his hand every step of the way.
I’ve been thinking about how we have sort of
grown up together. I wasn't a parent before you came along and so I've had to
do most of my learning, and failing, with you. When you were born, I was
scared to death. I was only 25 and had no clue how to be a parent.
Until that baby is in your arms, you can’t quite fathom the panic that
sets in with all the responsibility looming ahead of you, but at the same time,
you experience this unimaginable joy and love. Unconditional love… from
the first look in your eyes and the first time your little fist wrapped around
my finger. I was instantly in love with you. I remember standing for
hours by your crib, just looking at you. I remember all the fear and down-right
CRAZE I felt when we never knew if you would breathe on your own...let alone
jump, and run, and catch footballs on Friday night! :) I was in
awe that such a precious, perfect little baby was mine. Yes, despite your
respiratory issues, you were perfect. I was so in love that I would just
cry sometimes as I held you. Some nights I would get up just to hold you
while you slept. I felt like I was the luckiest mom alive to have you for
my son.
I remember you with your trach. How I
never heard your little cry until you were over a year old. How you would
sneeze and the filter would fly across the room. (Once into the baked
beans at a church potluck! haha) I remember the fear of letting anyone
NEAR you. You don't know this, but the whole community, our church, our
friends and family....prayed for you so much. You were a little super
star when you came home! So loved. Always. So very loved.
Parenting you has been the ride of a lifetime.
I wouldn’t trade it or give up a second I’ve spent with you, worrying about
you, loving you, being your biggest fan. Always. It’s been 18
years of pure emotion: love, joy, worry, anger, frustration, terror. Sometimes
the emotion isn’t even mine, but yours. When you’re excited, happy or, worse,
heartbroken, I feel those things, too. Ever since you were born, I
worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could
be. Did I make you feel important? Did we find enough time for the little
things that live on in happy memories - like laughter, and hugs, and
"just-between-us" moments? Did I show you enough that you mean
the world to me? And, more importantly, did you always know I loved you, even
when I was angry at you? I hope I’ve given you enough and made you feel
loved, cherished and important.
Sometimes I just stare at you when you aren’t
paying attention… and sometimes you catch me. :) Why do I do that, you
wonder? There are lots of reasons. I'm staring because it amazes me
that someone as handsome, funny, loving and smart as you ever came out of me.
You have the sweetest, most gentle spirit of anyone I've ever met.
So UNlike me! lol I think, how did I get so lucky?!
I'm staring at you with hope, because I know that you're sensitive and
sometimes a clueless, naive kid…and because I know that the world you're moving
into can be unpredictable and cruel at times. I just hope that I’ve given you
enough ‘tools’ to make it in this world without too much difficulty. The
biggest reason I'm staring is because I know that our time together is short
and growing shorter by the day. The day is coming soon when I'll no longer be a
part of your everyday life. There will be college and work, a lucky girl who
steals your heart, and some career that keeps you busy. So knowing that
my opportunities to teach and influence you will soon slow down to only the
occasional Sunday dinners and holidays, makes me sad. You're my friend! I
love our time that we just hang out, watch stupid tv, and talk. I know
that my moments with you are numbered.
I will most likely share this with you on your graduation day. Which is only a few short months away. Although the days between now and then are few, they are full of importance. So many decisions. By then you will know the outcome of the Panthers season. Both football and baseball. Will you be wearing a state championship ring....or maybe 2? You will know where you will be spending the next four years of your life. And most likely how we will pay for it. You will be preparing for your last summer at home, with few commitments. All of the worries and "what ifs" that we are experiencing now will be answered. Enjoy every moment, son. And please be gracious. God is carrying us. And He will reveal opportunities to you each day between now and then. So be gracious.
I find myself frantically wondering if I've
covered all the bases, told you all the things I wanted you to know…and
wondering, too, if you ever truly listened. I hope you did.
Ultimately, you are responsible for your own life. It’s a scary concept,
isn’t it? Your happiness, your fortune, and your emotional well-being all
essentially belong to you to control and steer. At this point we are still
holding your hand and we expect to do so to some extent for some time. (Don’t
worry – you aren’t going to come home to find all your stuff on the lawn. Yet.
:)) I know you aren't sure what you want to do with your life yet, but I have
no doubts that you can do anything you set out to do. And well. That’s
why college would be good for you, it will allow you a little more time to
figure it out and decide, while still having the safety of your family. It will
allow you to ‘find yourself’ in a way working in the world, just won’t.
It allows you to put off the responsibilities of being an adult, out on
your own, for just awhile longer. Now is the time for you to figure out
who you want to become and where you want to go in life. I am nervous for you,
but at the same time glowing with pride about the young man that you have grown
to be.
I'm sorry for any heartache and "bad
cards" you may have been dealt at the hand of my mistakes. I'm sorry
you haven't always had a daily father. One on the fields to teach you. I'm sorry that we can't always
have the best of what I wish I could have given to you. I'm sorry that you haven't always had family and support watching from the stands. It's mostly just the three of us rooting you on. Thank you for
never letting it matter. For never showing me an ounce of disappointment.
I'm sorry that you have had to face "grown up" issues while
being a child: divorce, financial issues, illness, and death. Thank
you for always stepping up and facing issues WITH me and being such a soldier
for Christ. For thriving sometimes...not because of me...but in SPITE of
me. Thank you for ALWAYS respecting my rules and authority. I can
honestly say, I've never worried or questioned you. Thank you, Sam, for
your honesty. Thank you for loving me. And for always knowing that I did my very best by you. And telling me often.
Today you become a man.
At least you are the
legal age of maturity according to our society. You can fight for our
country...but can't drink in it. Remember that! :) But becoming a
man is more than reaching a milestone. It’s a process that began on that day
eighteen years ago when you took your first assisted breath and will continue
until that time in the future when you take your last.
Being a man is not about
accomplishments, athletic prowess, mechanical ability or financial
assets. Being a man is more about character, compassion and
courage. A man has character when he is a person of integrity who can be
depended on. How you act when not a soul is watching. A man has
compassion when he not only cares for others, but demonstrates it by putting
their best interests ahead of his own. A man has courage when he does what is
right even when it's difficult. I believe you are a long way along this journey
to becoming a man. You have learned so much already. You show so much
promise.
Here are some other
tidbits that I want to make sure I tell you... (For you see...I've been taking
notes in preparation for this day. A long, long time.)
Remember who you are. Decide your values and what is important
to you and live them out. Don’t be afraid to be an individual.
Listen more than you
speak. You will learn
more by paying attention to what others have to say, and people appreciate
being heard.
Be selfless. Let someone else have the nice chair, closer
parking space or last slice. Look for simple ways to help others.
Keep your promises. Doing what you say you will do is a rare
thing in our world today. It is one of the easiest ways to stand apart.
Be confident but stay
humble. You can accomplish
anything you put your mind to, so don’t doubt your abilities. On the other hand
don’t think too highly of yourself. Humility is a wonderful trait.
Remember Who gets the honor at the end of the day.
There is no substitute
for hard work. The process of
working toward a goal is often as rewarding as the achievement itself.
Intelligence and wisdom
are not the same. Intelligence is
the ability to learn. Wisdom is using knowledge and experience to make good
choices. You can be both.
Never stop learning. There’s a whole world to be explored
beyond the classroom long after graduation.
Embrace “IT”. Whatever life throws at you, embrace.
Change, obstacles, accomplishments, difficulties, adventures, success, failure
are all opportunities to grow. Enjoy the moment.
Stay away from the bad things. You know right from wrong. Don't be swayed. Always be above reproach. Never give others the reason to question you.
Reach higher. Your Mamaw Patsy always told me to dress, act, and work as if I had the position I aspired to be in. That is true in all of life. Show your superiors that you are worthy.
Love outrageously! Be a man who is known by his affections and his
actions. Value your family and forge friendships that last. Treat the
woman that receives your heart like a princess. Be the man you would
choose for your mom or your sister. I promise...nice guys don't ALWAYS finish last.
Love Jesus.
Live Jesus.
Launch Jesus. Go out and show your love for Him just by
being you.
Pray. Everyday. Pray, son.
These eighteen years you
have been alive also happen to coincide with the best eighteen years of my
life. That’s no coincidence. Your coming into this world has profoundly changed
mine. No words can adequately describe my love, my pride and my hope for you. I
am blessed to call you my son. And today I am also pleased to call you a man.
While today you may curse the conviction behind my beliefs, and rolling your eyes that I shelter you, know it is
this same determination that helped you learn to stand up for what’s important
to you. While you’re frustrated by the lessons I have to teach, know that
it’s taken twice the amount of time, heartache, and self-doubt to figure out
how to teach it to you, when I could have easily been indifferent. While
lately my strong will might seem to limit your choices, know it was this
strength that helped me rock you to sleep every night you were sick or afraid , all while doing it on my own. My goal has always been that when you look back on your childhood, you have to know that your momma was there. Always.
While some days you question my need to protect you, know that it
is this fierce nature that ensured you were never alone and always
safe. While sometimes you may wonder if I think about you when you’re not
here, know that it feels like a physical part of my body is missing when my
children are not with me. While right now you sometimes wish I would leave you
alone, someday you’ll wish you had just one more day with me. While you
become excited by the prospect of love in your life, know that it was the first
moments of your life when you slept upon my chest that you first learned the
meaning of unconditional love. Know that I pray everyday that God show me
how to fill the gap between how to love, shelter, and protect you and trusting
HIM. Thank you for being patient with me while I find it.
I leave you with a couple of "love songs from mom." Cheesy...I know. But know by now, you will have words written about ya, and a camera in your face. You are my favorite man in the entire world. I love you like no other. And that will never change.
Follow
your dreams. Never give up on something you desperately want. Ever. Don’t
make the same mistakes I’ve made in life. You are my first-born and I want
great things for you. You are loved and all things good in my heart.
When you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. Of all the things in my
life that I might have, could have or should have done differently, there's one
thing I'd never change, and that's having you for a son... If I didn't always
find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it - I'm proud to be your momma
and I love you with my heart and soul.
Happy 18th Birthday My Sweet Sam. I
love you…forever.
"For this child, I prayed and the Lord answered my prayer." 1 SAMUEL 1:27 (Straight from the book of "Sam"....:)
With a bushel, peck, and hug around the neck.
XOXO,
Mom
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