Disconnected

Disconnected.

That is the best word to describe me at the moment.  Totally disconnected.  Lost.  Alone.  Sad.  No one thing I can really put my finger on, really.  But disconnected.  That is the word, for lack of nothing better.

On paper…my life is pretty good.  I have taken a few “lemons” for some pretty good “Country Time Lemonade”.  Read:  God has truly given me grace, love and blessed my broken roads.  He has healed my body, and given me wonderful people to just do life with.

 I have two beautiful kids.  A loving man in my life.  A great job….2 of them, actually.  Wonderful friends.  A second chance at life, if you will.  A fantastic church home, and fellow Christians everywhere in my life.

Why, then, do we burn bridges?  Why do we make poor choices?  Why do we sometimes feel lost and alone….even in a room full of people?  Why do I feel like I’m constantly feeling as if I need to mend something….from everything to a mess at home to a broken relationship.  It’s exhausting. 

I’ve been doing some reflecting.  Some soul searching.  If anyone is actually reading  this in a public forum….you have to know that it has taken me a lot of courage to actually post it.  (Yes, I write lots of things that I do not post.)  I feel the need to sort through some ways I’ve “made my bed”.  Guess its time to put on my big girl pants and just “lie in it.”  Envision a Catholic confessional of sorts.  No, I’m not Catholic….but I am a Christian and I’ve not been very nice lately.

It is very hard to list your weaknesses.  It is very hard to disclose your pain.  Satan likes to place people in your life to use those very weaknesses against you.  I am claiming in Jesus’ name….that whatever eyes fall upon my words tonight, please go to prayer for me.  Hate my actions….but please do not hate me.  Even more…please love me.  If you are in my life….I love you.  Period.  I pretty much steer away from those not good for me. 

I’ve drifted.  Disconnected.  And here is how:

I feel like a fake.  I tell my friends, my children, my childrens’ friends….everyone….to always follow HIS plan.  To follow HIS direction.  Sigh.  I’ve been following my OWN plan.  Hence, my life feels like a mess.  I am told often that I am an inspiration.  How inspiring I really am, huh?

I’ve not been in church in a minute.  Ok…a few weeks.  We were going to the early service.  Then began skipping out on Sunday school.  Then just started sleeping in.  Our lives are so busy, its just been my day to crash.  To sleep in.  To not drag my lazy butt up, get my kids to church, to worship and praise and honor the very God that blesses my life each day.

I watch online.  I listen to KLove.  I open the Bible.  I do my devos.  I read Christian liturgy.  Heck, I even lead prayer once a week for a little ladies’ group. But I’m not following my commitment to being an active member. To getting my children there.  I have failed as the spiritual leader of my home.  Despite, texts, emails, and concern from my church family.  I’ve just flat been at home.  No excuses. Just exhaustion.  I've never been more tired. 

Further, I’ve been neglecting my giving.  As a family, we committed to our tithes and offerings and were doing so well.  I could tell you stories of how things just “magically” not only worked out, but we were even AHEAD….because we trusted Him.  Since I’ve not been committed with my presence, I’ve also not been present with my tithes and offerings.

I cannot tell you how financially burdened we are at this time.  Honestly, I have been so bothered….that part of the reason I’ve not been in Church, is that I couldn’t write that check.  Playing games with myself.  How twisted is that?  Now there is much more “Month at the end of the Money.”

In addition, I’ve been a nagging mom.  My kids are sick to death of me.  My attitude with them isn’t much better than with myself.  All of the emotions with time moving so quickly. I want to hold on so tight to them.  I’m the classic helicopter mom.  I want to be a part of every single second.  But the little turkeys drive me crazy at times.  I need to find balance.  I’ve GOT to find balance.   I’ve GOT to check myself…and bring it all back to Jesus.

I’ve not been the best partner for David.  He has trusted me with his heart.  With his affairs.  He works so hard for us.  And sometimes, I’ve not been the best steward of our money.  The snowball effect continues.  And continues.  And continues.  Both of us work in excess of 50 hour weeks….we are exhausted.  Physically and emotionally.

I haven’t been the best friend.  I watch my daughter with the struggles of “mean girls” at school.  And its sad that sometimes it isn’t that much different as adults.  I’ve been a witness to gossip.  While I do my best never to instigate it….I’ve done nothing to stop it.  AND I’ve shamefully been a participant in it.  Even deeper…what kind of a person am I that anyone thinks its ok to talk badly about another friend to me???  Not a very good one. 

Thankfully, it’s mostly been an issue of “venting”….or “aggravation”….or “concern”….but still, it’s a betrayal of loyalty.  There is no excuse.  Women need to build each other up.  Mothers need to work together to raise our children in an ugly world.  We HAVE to be supportive of one another.  Not judge the mistakes we ALL make from time to time.  We need to go to one another should conflict arise.  Not engage with others about it.  That never solves a thing.  Just causes more hurt.

When you love someone like a sister…yes, they most likely will get on your nerves.  Or make you angry.  Or do something that you don’t agree with.  But just like a sister, that doesn’t change the love.  Even further….most of the very things others do to aggravate us….we are guilty of ourselves.  It is COMPLETELY time to practice more grace.  As a Godly woman, we need to look more to being like Him.  To practice kindness.  To exhibit love and forgiveness.  And yes, grace.  Abundant grace.

I have always tried very hard to nurture the relationships that mean the most to me.  To be forgiving.  Even in my pain, I keep a lot of things to myself. 

I’m in need of forgiveness.  And grace.  And love. 

We all are. 

More than that.  I need some intercessory prayer.  I need others to sincerely pray on my behalf.  That I find my way back to Him.  That I remember my salvation.  That I be that person, mother, friend….that everyone can love and trust and enjoy.

That I stop faking it.  And sincerely come back to HIM.  That I don't continue to be that "prideful pretender" that I once was. And return to the peace that comes with being truly saved by grace. 

That I trust Him.  Give Him my worries, my joys, my money, my time, my EVERYTHING.  I can say that I’ll do better.  Best laid intentions.  I can promise myself that it will all work out.  I’m REALLY lost.  I’m REALLY not sure if I can alone.  I’ve reached the end of a hopeless tunnel. 

Please pray for me friends.  Please.  And I promise to pray for you.  I promise.

Deal?

In Him,

Terri