October

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.....and it's beginning always gives me mixed emotions. 

BC survivorship is not all pink ribbons, and pink hats.  Not about survivor tshirts and sweet little quotes about saving the Tatas and mammograms. Most survivors don't feel all inspirational and courageous. 

For some us, there are times when we are just plain ticked....so forgive me in advance. 

We will never forget the day we were diagnosed.  And it plays in our minds over and over. 

We have stayed up nights crying and worrying about which poison to take.  The 3 month kind, or the 6 month kind.  Begging God for answers.  Which is the lesser evil?

We have been poked and prodded.  3 surgeries in 10 days.  

We have heard everyone else's stories and heard advice from so many....because everyone becomes an expert in our body.  

We live with no hair, no boobies, and a chunk of metal in our chest. 

We have stared at the clock after a treatment knowing how much time we have left until we begin to sink. 

Our life revolves around treatments.  About the time we start to feel human again, time for another. 

We love our diet cokes tasting like metal.  

We have had the pitiful cancer stares.  When u lose ur hair....the pity starts.  Funny thing is, it is worse when it starts to grow in!  I've never felt uglier. 

Our bodies look like Edward Scissorhands has played "connect the dots." It took our womanhood.  We are forever changed.  

We have joined with Google to have ourselves dead by bedtime on many nights. 

We learn what "chemo brain" is.  And it hangs around.  Even still.

We suffered mouth sores to the point where it was painful to even swallow.

We have been ticked off because the world went on. It didn't stop because we had cancer. It passed us by. 

We have puked our guts up. And dreamed of when we could poop normal like everyone else.  

We took one medicine to help one thing that caused something else.  Then another.  And another.  A vicious cycle. 

We have survived the "gray" look and all the sweet little words from friends telling us how "beautiful" we are.  Yuk. 

We have lost weight, then gained weight. Each totally out of our control. 

We have been blessed and cursed by the "bandwagon".......  So many wonderful people who helped for the right reasons.  And of course, a handful who helped for the wrong ones.  Who disappeared after the "cure".  To some, we went from "hero" to "zero" in 5 seconds flat. 

We have stayed up for two days straight only to sleep the next four. 

We have watched as insurance companies dictate our treatment only to deny payment. 

We have put our families through a complete hell of worry and dispair. 

We fear that the man we love will forever look at us differently.  Will he love me?  He did not sign up for this....

We live month to month.  Then every three months.  Then 4.  Then six.  Each checkup dictates our lives. 

We all survive the after cancer loneliness.   When when the cancer leaves....but the scars remain. When the silence is so deafening and the depression takes residence and we don't even recognize ourselves in the mirror. 

We look at our daughters.  And pray and worry and fear for their futures.  Will they find a cure?  Even worse, you worry that there already might be a cure.... Complete paranoia. 

We are tired.  Oh so tired.  Even after a year.  Exhaustion is an every day thing. Naps are frequent and exercise is virtually nonexistent.  Our bodies feel like we are 80.  And it's real. 

We pray.  We cry. We pray.  We cry. And we pray some more.  We fall on our knees broken in body and in spirit. 

It's a fight.  We see behind a curtain that very few others have seen.  They can't possibly understand.  

We want to shake people who whine about trivial things.  And beg to trade places. 

We worry about the bills.  Not only the medical bills that are piling up. But the household bills that piled up while we were fighting. 

We watch it take others.  Loved ones. Strangers. Friends.  And we wonder what makes US so special to survive?  And then we wonder if it's really even over. 

Then we feel guilty because we DID survive. How twisted is that?

We think about it everyday.  We get to a point where it's not ALL day everyday.  But everyday. 

We don't need a month to "be aware of Breast Cancer".  For we all wish for a month to not think about it. 

Tonight, I'm angry.  I'm angry that this happened to me.  To my family.  That I no longer have my mother here.  That it continues to haunt my family.  

I get a night.  One night to be ticked.  It's allowed.  

But then I remember:

Grace.  I was reintroduced to the beauty of His grace. 

We feel Gods presence.  And there we find peace.  We find strength. We find courage.  Not the bull-fighter, Mohammed Ali kind of courage.  But the gentle, soft, "I can do this one day at a time" kind of courage. 

I get the pleasure of living for Christ.  Once you face mortality, it forces you to reprioritize your life.  I got a second chance. 

We surround ourselves with people from which we draw strength and closeness to God. Who are authentic. And real. Who have our spiritual growth in their mind. And help us when we stray or fall short. 

We dig deep in the word because when there is nobody around, it keeps us company.  It provides wisdom.  And comfort.  And peace. And direction. 

We cling to our church family.  Who prayed with us. And for us. 

We hold tight to our kids.  Who despite the sheer terror stood strong. Who are still affected today in ways nobody understands.  Who are scared of losing momma. 

We note how God places the right people in our lives.  At the time we need them most.  New friends. Old friends.  Some for a season. Some forever. 

I know God like never before.  I spend time with Jesus.  I hang out with Him daily.  And it has changed me. 

So take that!  Darn cancer.....bam!   Nice try.  

When we are constantly reminded this month to "Be aware".....please say a prayer for all those who have fought the fight.  Behind every ribbon is a story. 

Thank you for once again letting me vent.  I can always write my way to healing with the reminder of God's everlasting love and healing.  Happy October Friends.  Send your love to a survivor.   

In Him,

Terri