I feel really good about things. After treatment #6.....aka #2 of the Taxane......I had a few days of "rotten" but muddled through and managed to even work about 16 hours last week! Yay! There is "rotten" and there is "Red Devil rotten".......nothing can compare the two. While its really not a "walk in the park"......I'll take THIS chemo any day! :)
Side effects for the medical record: Treatment Day (Friday) -- feel good. Saturday....Feel Good, Sunday.....The fade begins in the afternoon. Fatigue and Bone Pain. Mon and Tues.....Bad Bone Pain. All over. Wed.....Just feel crummy. Can't really put my finger on it.....just blah! After that I can function pretty good.....but just really tired. Thats to be expected with low counts. Not having to take any more Neupogen shots (we think!) so that saves about 3 trips to the doc a week. Nearing the end folks! :)
Had a super great weekend. Had zero agenda. Kiddos came and went. I cleaned my house on Saturday......felt so good! Did a little grocery shoppin......and watched the Hogs. Don't laugh at me....but I am a HUGE reality tv buff. There was a "The Hills" marathon on MTV and I watched every episode this weekend. Yep, I'm a dork. Just love the show. I love fashion. Kinda made me miss my hair though. They all have such beautiful hair!!!! Can't wait for mine to grow back.......well, I hope! lol Its a mystery as to what my new look will be! Maybe I can have Heidi Montag hair this time! :)
On Sunday, Sunday School and Church was great. Sunday School is wall-to-wall friends again. Love it. When school starts back, so does the routine. Everyone is back home and church is just more wonderful in the company of friends. Had a great lesson, wonderful discussion, and talked to me in personal ways. Pastor Rick, as always, spoke a powerful sermon. On a dry erase board on my fridge states his words from Sunday....."Are your words....True, Kind, AND Necessary?" Wow. Think about how this world if we ALWAYS practiced that? True. Kind. Necessary. Something to think about.
I chatted with a sweet friend, Jenny, in between SS and Church, and she began to tell me what an inspiration I have been to her. That even through my "storm", I have continued to praise Him. Of course, I confessed that on most days I'm pretty grumpy and don't feel very "inspirational." I proceeded to tell her what I was working on in this blog. I have cancer. And quite frankly.....the cancer, the chemo, the feeling bad, the financial strain it has put on my family, the overall "inconvenience" it has been to me as a mother.....all of it....sucks. BUT....in all honesty I cannot tell you how it has changed my life.
I don't know how my future is going to unfold. I may have a scan at the end of this and show cancer somewhere else. I may be like Robin Roberts.....and suffer something down the road from all the Chemo my body has endured. OR I may walk out of those doors on Sept 21.....with truly my LAST treatment under my belt forever. I may live to be a hundred and this be a distant memory someday. We just don't know. Am I afraid? Sure I am. Will I always hold my breath when I have a test or a scan or xray? You bet. Will every little ache or pain or headache or "cyst" bother me? Of course.
But I will tell you this. I will spend the rest of my days.....trying to tell others about Jesus. Maybe not in words. But by the way I live. Will I be perfect?? Never. But this cancer has changed my life and blessed me in so many incredible ways. This "cancer" has HEALED me in other areas of my life. Past relationships, past mistakes, past ways of living. Things that USED to matter to me....and used to bring me to worry constantly......i,e, money, parenting, useless "gossip" and "drama"......I've turned over to the Lord. My whole focus on living is now different. I have never been broker than I am right now. Today. I literally have $30 in my wallet. Zero in the bank. Rent is due. The electric bill is outragious. Prescriptions that need to be filled. Medical bills out the wazooo. I have three ballgames to go to this week. Am I worried? Nope. Because....my faith is in God. I was invited to ride to a game tomorrow night with a friend....My gas tank is full and the cubbards aren't bare....get the idea? I have healthy children and in five days I will get another paycheck. It will work out. It always does. Always.
I have friends who gossip. Who use facebook as a weapon to be ugly and cruel to others. I have friends who get caught up in drama constantly. I still love them. And I will continue to be right there beside them. And yep! I use FB to vent from time to time.....like the kind Police officer who scolded me for the "incorrect seatbelt" use. But I am trying to no longer buy into drama of any kind. I'm trying hard to love others for who they are. To try to be a light for THEM if only by keeping quiet. You see? If it isn't "true, kind, AND necessary" to say......then why say it?? That statement was like taking a bullet. Ouch.
I have friends that are simply precious. Who check on me nearly everyday. Who are "do-ers"......ie, show up at my house and wash my dirty underwear......who bring me meals......who cart my kids to and fro. Who just tell me to "shut up and go to bed....We've got this!" :) Ones who show up at my office with sonic drinks and hugs! I have friends from afar that text, call, and write to me. Send me greeting cards and meal cards, and financial gifts. I have old friends I haven't seen or talked to in years.....who reach out to me and have made ME a part of their everyday life by placing me in their prayers. I have new friends.....friends I've met BECAUSE of the cancer....who I will truly miss when all of this is over. Who I will be forever grateful to for their gentle kindness. My doctors, my nurses, and even those sweet folks who share this disease with me and understand my fight. Others who have stepped in to help us.....a family they don't even know.....get through this time. Sweet ones I now call friends.
I have the friends I've loved for years....who have never left my side. Who continue to love me and would drop everything to come be with us if we needed anything at all. I have a very different family dynamic.....and I do feel like I've been brought closer to some because of my illness. It has brought precious strangers into my life....who pray for me.
I have kids with the strength of Daniel, and with the patience of Job. They are MY source of light, fight, and faith every single day. I am amazed at how they live every single day without a doubt that mom's gonna be ok and this is almost over! :) They both are working soooooooo hard and I get a run-down each evening of their day's events, that never cease to make me proud. Sam is working so hard in football.....and in a few days baseball gears back up. The kid never stops. Syd is loving the dance team and is working so hard. Both are bringing home good grades and keeping up with homework. They make my job as a mom pretty easy most days.
I have wonderful, God-loving bosses who fully understand my struggles and who have worked with me throughout this journey and always put my health first. They make me want to give my "ALL" as an employee and have been a source of comfort to me knowing my job was secure. Many times I have to text: "Not doing well today...will try again tomorrow".......and the reply is ALWAYS..."Sorry you are not feeling well....take care of yourself." What a blessing in itself.
My point is this. I would do it ALL again......to be where I am now in my faith. And my close circle knows exactly how brutal this has really been on me. That is a powerful statement. And one I make with strong conviction. The insurmountable blessings that have been poured upon us cannot be measured. My priorities are different. My feelings are different. My whole being has been changed. It changed everything. I've prayed over and over for the Lord to heal my body. And I've made a deal with Him.....for lack of better words. I will use the rest of my days trying to be a comfort to others going through this. To be someone else's hero. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not trying to say I've grown into all I want to be. I'm far from a hero......but if my story.....if my words....can comfort another "Momma w/Cancer" then maybe I've found a purpose??
More importantly, I think its appropriate to use the whole "chemo" analogy. Chemo basically kills ALL cells in the blood....good and bad. Then the "good" cells reproduce and the "bad" ones are killed. Gone. This cancer has truly been my "Chemo." It has beat me down....even killing my good spirit on some days. Many days. BUT.....mostly it is working to kill all the "bad" things as well. If everything I do is in HIS glory......I believe I will find my purpose. If my focus is on the things that REALLY matter.....He will bless it. I have found my second chance within this cancer. I have found my blessings. I have found my faith. I want to continue life with the "good" stuff. Chemo killed the bad......
I will always remember the ugliness of this journey. I have scars.....hurts......and fears. This excerpt from the book, "Little Bee" was shared with me by my dear friend, Statia......(Start w/ On the girl's brown legs.....)
My scars mean I SURVIVED! How powerful is that????? And I am constantly reminded how "alive" I am. My sad story has shown me SOOOO many marvelous blessings.
What a cool awesome journey I'm on......Don't leave me friends. He placed you in my path because He knew I'd need ya! :)
In Him,
Terri
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