Had my 4th and final treatment of the "AC" part of the "ACT." Halfway there folks. And totally finished with the appropriately named "Red Devil" that has successfully kicked my hiney the last 8 weeks. I wanted a party! Although, I'm still waiting to FEEL like partying. On a scale, physically, this treatment has been no worse, but certainly no better than the 3 previous rounds. Quite honestly, it just sucks. Emotionally, this round has knocked me further down, than I thought capable. So today, I will document my latest journey. Because you know my God and His placement of angels here on earth quickly brought me out of it......and that's the good stuff! Blessings in the midst of struggle. THAT is worth writing about.
Friday 7/27, was Treatment Day. That morning, got a text from my sweet friend, Sonya who had secured a condo on Lake Hamilton for the weekend, inviting us all to join her. I immediately resonded with, "Girl, I so wish we could, but I'm having a treatment today." She came back with, "So!....Do what you feel like doing....you can 'feel bad' at the condo just like you can 'feel bad' at home! Just crawl in bed when you need to and the kids can have a ball!" Now THAT is a friend. So that's exactly what we did! Went and had my treatment....and then hurridly prepared my last minute trip to the lake!
My sweet friend, Karen, was my Chemo Buddy that day. Before this struggle, Karen was of course, a friend....but I wouldn't say we were close and ones that talked daily. A fellow "ball mom" throughout Panther Basketball and Panther Baseball, she has always been a joy and precious. But since my diagnosis, Karen truly stepped up and selflessly has done so much for us. From delicious meals, to cute PJ's on a sack on my door, to fresh cut flowers from her own yard.....not to mention her continuous prayers and sweet texts to check on me.....God has truly revealed to me a precious friend in Karen since this nightmare of mine began. I so enjoy her company and was thrilled to have her with me! In the midst of her own struggles, she still found time for me. What a blessing! We enjoyed a quick lunch, girl talk and then off for Round 4! The benedryl kicked in and I mostly napped during the treatment. She sat quietly beside me and her presence was truly a comfort.
Raced home and threw clothes in a bag, made a quick grocery list. Sydney Clare was on a church trip this weekend, but David, Sam and Madison all climbed in and off we went. I usually have about 24 hours of "feel good" before the chemo takes over. I was praying to the "chemo gods" to please spare me of the effects so that I could enjoy this weekend with my friends and family. We arrived in Hot Springs, all went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings....Sonya had her sweet Taylor and boyfriend Dalton. We shared lots of laughs and fun memories! The next day, I acutally got some pool time in! Thank goodness....for someone who is usually tan, I think I'm starting to scare folks! Our old and dear friend, Jack, came up for the day and we so enjoyed the day. The kids were incredible. Sonya and I are both lucky to have such wonderful kids that still enjoy hanging out with "mom"! :)
I lasted until about 3 or 4, I guess. I then climbed in bed and stayed there for the remainder of the weekend. They went on around me, like I wanted them to. The sweet kids coming in to check on me. And of course, David taking care of anything I might need. As a mom, even thought I couldn't physically participate in everything around me.....knowing that my loved ones were having fun made me rest even better than I had been at home. So thankful that my Sonya had the foresight to realize that. Blessed I am.
I got home....and just sank. Physically, of course, but emotionally. I started allowing myself to go to places that cancer patients really don't need to go. I am so incredibly tired of feeling bad. This is a horrible road. I started googling. Not a good idea. I was giving myself my own death sentence. The "woe is me" day turned into "days". Triple Negative. Chemo. Bald. Ugly. All of that has an effect. But Triple Negative.....gives me a 20% chance of the cancer coming back. That is a big ole number when you think in terms of life and death. Ironically, I even let myself actually FEAR stopping chemo. Right now, I know I'm fighting the cancer. But what about when treatments stop? I'm not a candidate for any kind of preventative therapy. How do I reduce the 20%?
Went from fearing it to actually saying the words to both my brother and my friend....asking to actually stop therapy. I truly understand why patients elect to stop treatment even when its in their best interest not to. Chemo is the most brutal attack on your body that you can imagine. That is fact. You can be strong and fight through alot of things in life. I've worked through morning sickness during pregnancies. Through the flu. Through headaches. Even broken hearts. I've "faked it" until I can make it on alot of things in my lifetime. Chemo wins. It is simply not possible to work through it. Everyone tells me how "strong" I am. Maybe. Not really. Chemo is stronger.
My kids are living without a mom. Others are getting them where they need to be. My house was in shambles. They are helping....but they are teenagers....so c'mon! lol My laundry was piled up...house dirty, and I found myself just sinking into this emotional mess! Deb called in the troops. Tuesday night, I had 4 friends....Deb, Kim, Becca, and Jackie and even Deb's daughter Ashlyn. They and my kiddos had my house whipped back into shape and even took laundry home with them! Against my repeated protests, they just lovingly told me to get in bed and shut up! I was so moved at such a loving act.....and shaking my own head at how someone else was washing my underwear! lol
I couldn't believe my eyes as my home felt like "me" again, clean, fresh flowers, and candles burning! How will I ever thank them????
Wed night, received salad and pizza from the Johnsons and Aunt Gayle......Was so happy to see them. Guys, I have the greatest friends on the planet.
Thursday and Friday, I drug myself into the office for a few hours each day. Financial worries are consuming me, without being to work. But it seems that God always sends me what we need at just the right moment. So I try not to let it get me down. Hebrews 11:1 -- Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and evidence of things not seen.
Friday evening.....I was brought to tears, by the act of two special little boys. Little Jessie and Gary. Both are "little brothers" in our baseball family. They had a birthday party recently.....and in lieu of gifts, they chose to ask for donations for the kiddos and I. I have had alot of thoughtful gestures. But this coming from two very sweet little boys just tugged at my heart. Again....blessings in the midst of the storm.
The weekend was a quiet one. My Sam is at a crossroads and he spent alot of time hanging out with me. I love that he talks to me about everything. That he seeks my advice when he is hurting. That he tells me he loves me.....and often. That he is honest and faithful. I remember how hard "being a kid" was sometimes. He is such a good boy. He sees the good in most every situation. Entering high school is a big deal....and I'm so proud of the young man he has become. I hate watching him hurt...but I love how he constantly thinks of others instead of his own pain. I've often joked.....If I can't meet the perfect man.....by cracky I'll raise one! :)
Made it to Sunday School and church.....hugged friends....and enjoyed my family. Sunday evening, I could feel the effects of my counts dropping....so back to bed I went.
I met with Dr. Sneed today. I was bound and determined to back him into a corner and ask him to tell me, "Terri, you are not going to die." Of course, my friends and family tell me that all the time. But nobody in a "white coat" will do that. I pretended to be calm as a cucumber, while my sweet Sam sat in the room with me. And asked about the whole 20% thing. When you reach the "half-point" mark....you start to see the light at the end of your treatment tunnel. I never got those words out of him of course. But what he DID tell me was this.....That "20%" really was a good thing. Means that 80% chance it won't come back. I asked what would happen at the end of this. He told me that he and I would be friends for a long long time. We will stay very on top of this and he would not leave me until he retires. He even shared his age....53. And he isn't planning to retire until age 67. And at that time....he would leave me in good hands. In his own way, he was telling me he wouldn't let me die. Above his head on the wall.....hangs a framed art that says "With God, I believe in miracles"....
My friend Kara, who I go to more than she knows when I need to be brought "back to reality"....reminded me that when the weatherman tells us 80% chance of rain....we bring our umbrellas and most all of the time we use them. My God is my umbrella! He covers and protect me even when I'm being a belligerernt, whiney, grumpy, cancer patient. My sweet Deb reminded me through her tears and mine.....that the devil will use my low times to test my faith. And that I HAVE to fight back. No more devil! :) No more "googling". Just faith. So I'll tell ya....THAT is how I plan to lower that 20%. Prayer. Faith. My God is bigger than ANY problem we face. Even cancer.
Dr. Sneed discussed my new chemo drug...Taxol, which I will start this coming Friday. He predicts that it won't be as "messy" as the others I've withstood. I'm a bit anxious.....more unknowns. But with school fast approaching.....and TWO football seasons....both Jr., JV, and Sr. high that I must be present for.....I need those "chemo gods" to be nice to me! :) Stay tuned.......:)
I've had a lot of ups and downs since my last post. A couple of really LOW downs. But even in the midst of struggle....I have been reminded of my blessings. 2 awesome God-loving children. Wonderful family. Incredible Friends. My support system is perfect. I simply couldn't ask for more. Within this struggle....there are blessings. New friends. God has brought such special people into my life. My doctors, nurses, caregivers, friends.....I'm so very lucky. My prognosis. I am going out on a limb to say I am cancer free. My faith tells me so. Is the road still rocky? Yep. Am I finished yet? Nope. But faith is going to see me through.
Please don't forget to join my team!!!
http://arkansas.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/LIT_ArkansasAffiliate?team_id=219501&pg=team&fr_id=2568
Lord....I continue to praise you in this storm......
In Him,
Terri
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