Prideful Pretender

I haven't blogged in a while. Primarily because I've been in a "mood" for about a week.....and I've been hoping it would pass. My life was pretty "topsy turvy" busy last week, but in all honesty, I've been having some feelings about myself....things coming to the surface that I knew I probably should blog about.....things I know I should address within myself....things other than the mundane "this is what I did today"....or "this is something nice someone did for me today" posts that everyone has come to expect.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't been told at least once, usually a few times, what an "inspiration" I am....or how enjoyable and inspirational my blog is. The thing is....the last thing I feel is inspirational....I may or may not have the courage to explain why by the end of this post. Most nights, I don't have any idea what is going to be written. I just begin to type and the words come. Tonight is no different. I just know that I have a heavy heart. Don't know if anyone will find an ounce of inspiration tonight. I am burdened.....and I know what the burdens are.....I think. I am just not sure if I know how to convey it. OR if I want to. Let's just see how it unfolds....

For now....I'm going to journal my last few days....not for the enjoyment of any readers out there....but for my records. The pain is terrible. It is not getting better. It is getting worse. And if ONE more person tells me I am "overdoing it" I am going to flip my lid! :) Truth is, when I am working, I am useful. I am needed. I am in my element. I am around people who still see me as capable and they are all dudes....so they don't understand the first thing about the female body....our emotions....or even remotely what I am going through. You see, this is a GOOD thing. I escape the cancer...for 8-9 hours a day. I am mobile....so I actually feel a little better. When I'm home, and still, I get stiff. And the pain is much more apparent.

Also, I gotta pay the bills. It's what I do. I don't have a choice. Period. I'm not a hero, or as Deb says, a "Rock Star." Not trying to be. I'm doing nothing more than any good mother would for her children. Still, by the end of the day, I'm tired. I almost dread coming home to all the running that has to be done taking kids here or there. I've finally just had to say no.

Driving is painful. I dread getting in that car everyday. My left side hurts terribly. It's hard to close the driver door. The darn seatbelt is my enemy. Just steering can cause discomfort at times. So when I get home. I wanna be home! The kids are notorious, especially in the summer, for wanting to go here and there at the last minute. Then they get "here and there" and forget "this and that." They don't understand that I can't run run run like I used to. Funny, how I'm too exhausted to care. Now that's inspiration, huh?

Then the guilt sets in. Why should their summer be ruined by this FBC?? How can I let parents with twice the kids I have who are TWICE as busy run my kids around?? It's like a vicious cycle. And its making me very dizzy.

All I want to do is be home. I want to relax with ice packs and ibuprofen. My daughter actually called me boring. And she is right. I am boring. I don't want to look at her and tell her the pain is intense. Sometimes almost unbearable. Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome. It actually has a name.

Imagine yourself falling on gravel or rough concrete. (Kinda like I did a week or so ago...ouch!) You get a "strawberry" or "road rash".....When you sit in a tub of water and the water touches it the first time....it burns like crazy. That is a description of how I feel from one armpit to the other....across my chest. Twenty-four. Seven. My nerves are apparently coming back to life....slowly. But in the form of pain. Anything that touches it....nightgown, soft blouses, a bed sheet.....anything at all...is like an electric current. From dawn til dark. 24 hours a day. Forget wearing that bra and new boobies I was so excited about last week. That won't be happening for a while.

At times, I just suck it up. But others, I just let it go and cry. I never knew my mother felt this way. She never let on the pain she felt. It's a terrible surgery. The thought of reconstructive surgery terrifies the daylights out of me.

But then to say those words....and look in the mirror at the ugliness of my chest....the thought of NOT having reconstruction terrifies me more. Yes, I am whining. Maybe I am just a wimp. Who knows? I just know my life is so altered. And as far as I can see.....it will continue to be. Call it dramatics. Call it looking for attention. But my friends who talk to me daily, know that I don't complain often because I know they don't want to hear it. When I'm asked point blank how I feel....a select few have heard that I'm in pain....but most get the general "I'm getting stronger everyday" line. This space is MY outlet. Not forcing anyone to read it. When I look back days, weeks, months, and hopefully years from now, I want the "realness" of today. Today.....and the last 10....have been filled with pain. Physical pain and emotional pain.

I've spent alot of time talking to God. I've been working on my relationship with Him. Working on doing a little more listening and a little less talking. It's no secret that I've not always made decisions in His glory. This week I heard the words, "Prideful Pretender." And I'm going to borrow those words....because boy, was that me! There was a time when I would "lie, cheat, and steal" to get what I wanted. I'd do anything to get ahead. "Robbed Peter to pay Paul" so to speak. I used the name of God to do the Devil's work. Boy, that was harsh. Maybe not the "devil's work," but definitely MY work. When you grow up in small town America, you can never keep up with the Jones', because your happiness will always be "just out of reach." Prideful Pretender. I'm aware that I may be judged by my admission but I've found through this peaceful grace, that I'll bet I'm not alone. Not everyone will blog about it on the internet, or put it on Facebook, or even tell their best friend. But everyone has struggles. Everyone. Noone is perfect and at times we have all done and said things that have hurt others. Some are simply dealing with the hand they are dealt, others are facing consequences of their own actions. The fact is....it doesn't matter. When you are saved by the amazing grace of God....When you make the decision to give Him your full heart and full attention.....When you lay your struggles at the foot of the cross.....you are born again. You get that fresh start. You get that second chance. You are free. Satan tries to creep in and keep you remembering how you hurt others and how others hurt you. He tries to ruin your current relationships. He stands in the way of forgiveness. He tries to come between you and God. He strategically places conflict. He makes you question your faith. He tries to distract you from His glory. He will not win. Period.

I don't know how I would be here today without My God. I don't know how I would be getting through each painful day without His promise of healing. I don't know how I could possibly be so blessed with the children, family and friends that I am, without HIS loving kindness. I don't know how I would have ever been granted second chances in life without His forgiveness and grace. I am no longer a "Prideful Pretender" but a Christ-Follower. I try so hard to show that in my daily walk. Yes, I fail some days. This blog alone I am in ways falling short of this glory. But please do not misunderstand where my heart is. It is in HIM!

Christ makes you think of things in different ways. Some things just don't matter to me anymore. Things that once did. Things that once mattered alot. I look around at some people in my life, who matter very much to me. Some I just want to spoon feed a dose of Jesus Christ to until they swallow Him whole. I want to shake them until they feel Him to their core like I do. I never want people to think of me as a pretender again. Because I am not. Saved by grace. :)

I know that it was necessary in my walk to get to where I am today. I know there are those who still may have doubts about me. That's ok. That's what happens when you hurt others. That's what happens when trust is broken. Lucky for me, I've turned it over to Jesus Christ. He will never fail me. He will never fail them. He has my life in HIS hands. And I'm simply here for His glory.

This week hasn't been all "gloom and doom" pain. I've had moments of pure peace and happiness. My Sam is in Chicago tonight with Pure Energy. I'm getting updates and pictures that warm my heart and make me smile. I so miss him! My Sydney talked her way into Chloe's house tonight. So she isn't home with "boring mom." The child hasn't been home in nearly a week! lol

My Tootie and Chuck came to visit over the weekend. God love them, I think I slept the whole time they were here! I just died this weekend. I think I rest better just knowing she is here. I so love my Tootie! I wish they lived closer....

On a lighter note....I've given in to the craze and reading the ever so steamy "Fifty Shades of Grey".....I refuse to blog about it. Those of you who have read it understand why. Just wait for the movie! :))

I plead with everyone to pray for us. No doctors this week. I'm working and mostly will be home to rest each evening. So hoping this recovery takes a turn for the better. Next week...the dreaded chemo.....sigh. I have to remind myself that the chemo, though painful, is not my enemy. It's my cure.

Psalm 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God...."
In addition, Be Still...and KNOW God.

In Him,
Terri